Motion Picture Soundtrack
by MrsBigTuna
Summary: A collection of oneshots about Craig and Ellie, featuring the band, Radiohead. More info in the first chapter. Rated T for language. ***NOW WITH SPOLIERS FROM DEGRASSI GOES HOLLYWOOD***
1. Introduction

Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or Radiohead. _**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**_

This is not the first chapter, obviously. I just wanted to give my readers a head's up to what this collection will entail. Firstly, every oneshot will have an beginning, a middle and ending. None of these will be continued or turned into a long tale. They are simply little snapshots and little stories in themselves. Some of them will be in accord with the storyline produced in the show, others are creations of my own. Some will be fluffy and sweet. Some will be angsty and dark. And a few will even be weird and strange. Some have happy endings, others will not. In short, these twenty stories are my way of exhausting every single idea I could think of for this couple. I'm sure there's more out there, but for me, I'm gonna close the book on these two. I adore them greatly and this is my tribute to them. I hope you will enjoy it, as much as I did writing them all.

As for the selection of Radiohead to be the soundtrack throughout each tale, I have to leave that up to you. I could go on for hours of my deep adoration for Thom Yorke and company, but I won't. I will say that they are one of the few bands living that seem to truly understand music, albeit through the lyrics or the music itself. I'm not trying to convert anyone to their music. I've come to find it takes a special type of person to appreciate them. I've met many who hate them, others that don't understand them, and quite a few that never heard of them. So, this is my little way of paying tribute to both Craig and Ellie and Radiohead.

I hope that you not only enjoy the stories, but the music that accompanies them. If you would like to hear the music that is associated with each entry, please visit my profile page where you will find a link to a playlist. It will be updated the same time each installment is.

Most of the stories are complete, with a few exceptions, so I'll be able to update fairly frequently. Again, there will be no sequels, or continuations. The stories are what they are. I don't mean to sound so bossy, but I love the way that they all are and hopefully, you'll feel the same way too.

Okay, loves. The first installment follows this, and I think you'll like it. As always, read, review, and enjoy!


	2. Anyone Can Play Guitar

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or Radiohead. I own episodes and an embarrassing amount of music respectively. **_

_A/N: Okay, this installment takes place in a weird Season 2 world, before Craig and Ashley got together and after Craig and Manny were together. Enjoy! _

* * *

"**Anyone Can Play Guitar"; Pablo Honey**

"Are you really gonna audition for that stupid talent show?" Jimmy Brooks dribbled the basketball between his legs, making an effortless shot from the free-throw line. "Only the band geeks and drama dorks ever go to that thing anyway."

Craig Manning shrugged, sitting on the bench by the fence. "I don't know. I mean, it could be fun." He strummed on his guitar, an earlier birthday present from his stepfather for his good marks that past semester. "Who doesn't want to be a rockstar, right?"

Jimmy snorted. "Right, a rockstar. Not some kid with a six strings." He continued to dribble the ball. "Besides..." He took a seat next to him on the bench. "What would you play? You don't write any music. I've barely seen you play."

Craig smirked. "Don't worry about that. I've got good material." He dug in his backpack, shuffling through some papers.

Jimmy chuckled. "Right. Look, man. My Dad got me some new games. There's this one game where you can --."

Craig pulled out the papers he was looking, shaking his head. "Maybe later. I have to get to the auditorium to tryouts."

Jimmy rolled his eyes. "Whatever, man. Good luck, I guess."

Craig smirked. "Thanks, dude. You know you're gonna eat those words when I walk away with the prize."

Jimmy shook his head. "Oh yeah. I forgot, I was talking to a rockstar." They bumped fists, heading in different directions.

As Craig headed toward the building, his stomach churned at the thought of performing in front of a room full of people. He had thought it would be a cool way of getting to know more people, having always hidden behind his camera. He wanted to open up more, finally released from the chains his father's home seemed to have him bound to and able to really be his own person. He found the method of songwriting cathartic, simply writing whatever flowed through him and using his own words, not colors to say what he felt. He always enjoyed music, being an avid listener to anything involving a decent guitar riff, but feeling his hands doing the dance across the strings seemed to make everything else seem mediocre. He wasn't sure if music was his calling, but it was definitely a nice distraction.

_Destiny, destiny protect me from the world.  
Destiny, hold my hand, protect me from the world._

_Here we are with our running and confusion,  
and I don't see no confusion anywhere._

* * *

Ellie Nash was walking down the hall when she watched Craig heading in the direction of the auditorium. She rolled her eyes as she turned down the hallway. As she considered going down another way, Craig had spotted her, with a guitar in her hand. "Hey Ellie."

She put on a civil expression. "Hey Craig." She tried to walk faster down the hall, but Craig was right on her heels. "Do you need something?"

Craig chuckled. "Uh, no. I just thought it was weird you had a guitar with you."

Ellie stopped. "I could ask you the same thing. When did you learn how to play?"

"My stepfather got me one a few weeks ago. It's awesome, and I've been trying to write some stuff." He shrugged. "I think it's pretty good."

Ellie nodded. "Yeah. I've been playing for a few years. I'm not much of a writer, but I can play a few songs."

"That's really cool. I haven't learned much songs yet. I mean, I know a couple, but I thought making my own would be more fun."

Ellie sighed slightly, trying to get out to of the conversation. "Yeah, sure. Look, I have to get going. I was gonna audition for the talent show."

Craig nudged Ellie in her shoulder. "No way! Me too! I was just about to head over there myself." He hitched up his guitar strap. "We could go over there together."

Ellie bit her lip. "Uh, I'll just see you there." She took the moment and turned quickly, heading toward the auditorium.

Craig shrugged, following closely behind. As he caught up with Ellie, Liberty stopped him in his tracks. "Your application, please?"

Craig scrunched up his face. "Application? I thought you just signed up and did it."

"Yeah, if we were putting on a show for Vaudeville." Liberty rolled her eyes, handing him a copy. "Fill it out and return promptly. Auditions close in an hour."

Craig scoffed, taking a seat by the stairs. He caught Ellie, handing Liberty her form and heading into the room. "Save me a seat?"

Ellie nodded nonchalantly, "Yeah, sure." She walked into the auditorium, finding a seat in the back near the door. She looked back, seeing Craig thoughtfully filling out the form. She fidgeted slightly in her seat, feeling slightly guilty about being so cold to him. He was a nice enough guy, and Ashley thought of him in high regard, but he was just so... annoying. He was always around and she never got to see Ashley anymore because he followed her like a lost puppy. Now he was sitting there, with his guitar. She took a hold of her own, feeling protective of her interest in music. It was her thing. She wrote and she played her guitar, mostly at home, but it was still her thing. The only other person who knew she played was Ashley, but even she didn't share everything with her. The truth was, she adored playing the guitar, even more than she did writing for the paper. It gave her this clarity where she could be free to do whatever she wanted. She wasn't limited to grammar structure or word counts, she could do whatever she wanted with the six strings provided, allowing her free reign to the infinite tunes she could compose. She tried not to feel threatened by Craig, but she honestly didn't want to share her thunder with anyone else.

_And if the world does turn and if London burns,  
I'll be standing on the beach with my guitar.  
I want to be in a band when I get to heaven,  
Anyone can play guitar and they won't be a nothing anymore_.

* * *

After handing his completed application to Liberty, he walked into the auditorium, finding Ellie right away. He plopped down next to her, as Emma and Manny approached the stage. He snorted. "What do you think they'll do?"

Ellie was in a slight trance when she noticed Craig sitting next to her. "Huh? Oh... not sure. Maybe Emma will say something like 'Save the Whales' or something."

Craig nodded, chuckling softly. "Right." He shook his head. "I dated Manny for like two seconds." He sighed. "Yikes. She was a mess."

Ellie scooted over slightly. "Why would you say that?"

Craig shrugged. "I don't know. It's like she would follow me everywhere. Constantly popping up at every place I'd be. Always trying to involve herself in everything I was in. It was crazy."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "The nerve." She felt even more repulsed by him when her name was called. Ellie smirked slightly walking past Craig and the other attendees. As she approached the stage, she heard Craig cheer her on. Finding it revolting as well as endearing, she took her seat on the stool. "Hi, um... I'm gonna play 'Criminal', by Fiona Apple." Ellie cleared her throat, strumming the first chords. She sang along to her playing, faltering slightly with lack of confidence, but as the crowd clapped along with her, she found a smile on her face.

Craig applauded louder than everyone as Ellie got off the stage. She smirked, heading back to her seat. "Do you really have to be so obnoxious?"

Craig chuckled. "What? I'm just trying to give you a confident boost. You seemed kinda nervous."

Ellie scoffed. "You wish." She shifted in her chair, trying to distance herself more.

Craig leaned back in his seat more. "You were great by the way. You almost make me want to not try out."

Ellie chuckled. "Thanks." She looked over at his guitar again, biting her lip. She was gonna regret this one. "What are you gonna play?"

Craig lit up more. "I wrote this song a few days ago. It's not much, but I think everyone's gonna like it. It's got that whole Eric Clapton kind of feel to it, you know. Before 'I Shot the Sheriff', but still cool."

Ellie chuckled. "Should be fun." She fiddled with her necklace a little before clearing her throat. "You really thought I was good?"

Craig smirked. "Ellie Nash is asking me for my opinion? Dare I say it? Is that... _doubt_ I hear in your voice?"

Ellie rolled her eyes. "You're such an ass. Forget I asked." She started to get up when Craig took her arm.

"Hey. I was just kidding." Craig smiled slightly. "Don't move." He budded his head to her empty seat. "Stay."

Ellie looked down at this guy that seemed to capture all the girls' hearts in the school. From day one, everyone wanted to know him, be his friend, hang out with him. Even her best friend Ashley had fallen under his spell. Ellie thought it was so silly to get so invested in some random kid, he wasn't anything too special. She thought he was nice-looking, but not something to write home about. But for a moment, she saw past his charming smiles, his witty personality and looked into his presently soulful eyes. It struck her funny that she never noticed them before, but there they were, seemingly pleading with her to stay by his side. So, she slowly sat back down, allowing a small smile grace her lips. "Okay."

_Grow my hair, grow my hair, I am Jim Morrison,  
grow my hair, I wanna be, wanna be, wanna be Jim Morrison.  
Here we are with our running and confusion,  
and I don't see no confusion anywhere._

Craig scooted closer to Ellie. "I didn't mean to offend --"

"You didn't." Ellie reproached slightly. She looked around, seeing that two more students were finishing up their act. "I think you're next."

Craig looked up, seeing Liberty beckon him to the stage. He turned around, grabbing his guitar. "Wish me luck."

Ellie smirked. "Break a leg." They exchanged a chuckle, while Liberty snapped her fingers, urging Craig to hurry.

Craig took a seat on the stool, looking back at the audience. He noticed a few of the girls in the front row giggle as he tested out a few chords. He didn't understand why they all did that, except Ellie. She seemed so above the influence that seemed to inflict the rest of the girl student body. It was refreshing that he could tease her without her falling to pieces. He glanced in her direction, finding her easily as she seemed to be the only one not completely entranced by him. "Hi. I'm Craig Manning and I gonna play a song I wrote. It's called 'Running'." He strummed his first chord, looking up at Ellie. And for the first time that hour, his stomach stopping hurting.

_And if the world does turn and if London burns,  
I'll be standing on the beach with my guitar.  
I want to be in a band when I get to heaven,  
Anyone can play guitar and they won't be a nothing any more._

* * *

Craig and Ellie walked out of the auditorium, both receiving the 'okay' by Liberty that they both made the bill. A congratulatory high five followed, as they both headed toward the parking lot.

Craig looked down at Ellie, watching a gentle breeze pass through her hair. "This might be a stupid question --"

"Than don't ask it." Ellie chuckled when she saw Craig's face fall. "Take a joke, Manning."

Craig smirked. "Fine, _Nash._" He shook his head. "I was just wondering if... if you wanted to hang out sometimes after school. I mean, we can play guitar or something."

Ellie looked up at Craig and that same soulful glare materialized, sending a trail of goosebumps up her arms. "Uh, sure. I suppose. I mean, most days I have to work on the Grapevine, but I mean --"

"Whenever. Whatever works for you." Craig hitched up his strap, walking toward his house, separating the distance between him and Ellie.

Ellie watched as Craig continued to walk away. She still felt the row of goosebumps on her arms, sighing as she yelled. "What about now?"

Craig turned around, smiling toothily. "Yeah. Now is great." He waited for Ellie to catch up as they walked together down the street. "I think we might be in luck too. Joey was talking about making some goulash, which is the best thing ever."

Ellie shook her head. "I think I'll pass."

Craig nudged her. "Dude, you're gonna miss out. It's amazing."

Ellie rolled her eyes as the went up the stairs. "I'm sure I'll manage." As they both walked into the house, Ellie felt a rush of warm inside the walls, unlike her own. So maybe Craig is a little annoying and his stepfather makes gross goulash, but at the very least she could play her guitar.

* * *

_Hope you kids enjoyed it. More is on the way. --MrsBigTuna _


	3. Bulletproof Wish I Was

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. I'm pretty sure you've figured that out already.**_

_A/N: I'm glad everyone is enjoying this so far. This oneshot is only Craig. There is no Ellie mentioned. I'll have another oneshot later on that is only Ellie, so look out for that. This is set just before Season 2, before Craig is actually introduced on the show. Okay, now read!_

* * *

"**Bulletproof... Wish I Was"; The Bends**

Standing in front of the mirror always made him tense. He didn't do it often, but the mornings when he allowed himself to look, he cringed as his eyes passed over his bruised torso. The road map of his childhood could be marked through the different whelps, traced back from each wrong glance, every misstep and the constant reminder he represented while in his father's company. He tried his best to avoid him at all cost, making sure to smile during appearances and put on the act that everyone needed to believe. He never wanted to touch them, if only to play make-believe, the denial card that seemed so easy to fall into. It was only than in the early morning light while the world still slept that Craig could look at himself and admit that it was real. This was his life, and he was trapped.

_Limb by limb, tooth by tooth  
Tearing up inside of me _

Shaking his head, he walked into this bathroom, brushing his teeth and not looking in the mirror. He felt weary, like he had lived a hundred years before standing in this room, surrounded by belongings that he didn't feel attached to. He splashed water on his face, trying to shake the disembodiment he felt constantly, but to no prevail. It was useless, masquerading the scars for battle wounds, fighting a war where there were no winners. He wanted to love his father, he was all he had. He had tried to get in contact with his little sister, if only to have a blood relative that didn't show affection with fists but with giggles and hugs. He needed that reminder that he wasn't worthless. But as the daily knock on the door from his father came, he knew that nothing of the sort was possible. Why would they be? Nothing ever really worked out for him, not really.

_Every day, every hour  
I wish that I was bullet proof _

"Morning, Dad." He walked cautiously into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of orange on the counter. "You have a surgery this morning?"

Albert Manning grunted as he drink coffee behind the newspaper. "Yeah, at nine thirty." He folded it up, drinking the last of it as he passed Craig to the sink. "I better head out." He stood behind him, struggling with words. "You have any plans today?"

Craig scratched the back of neck, feeling the prickling of his father's breath. "Um, most likely hang at the park, you know? Take some pictures. It's supposed to be nice today." He looked outside than, seeing a neighborhood girl riding her bike down the sidewalk, her pigtails blowing in the wind. "I won't be out late."

Albert nodded. "Good. I, uh... I have a surprise for you so be sure to be home later, okay?" He patted him lightly on the shoulder, trying his best to but on a smile, coming out more as a grimace. "Have a good day, Craig." At the last minute, he kissed him softly on the cheek before grabbing his jacket and rushing out of the door before having to look at his son again.

Craig walked to the living room, watching through the blinds as his father's car left the driveway. It was hard to hate him, he knew that. He wanted to hate him and leave forever, live his life on his own terms, be his own person, banishing the memories and tears shed behind. But than there were moments when he looked at him and saw him as a man, one who was trying to get through the day. He wanted to not feel the pain, the sadness, the compassion, but it was just another false hope that he would inevitably dash for another.

He walked back into his room, grabbing his camera and into his red room off the side, looking over his "masterpieces" of smiling faces, trees, birds, lakes, places and people that seemed in reach but never attainable. These were the pieces of the imaginary world he created for himself, the only way that he could avoid looking in the mirror as long as he knew that these places and things existed. He looked at the most recent picture of his sister, laughing on the swings at the park. She was supposed to be there today and he looked forward to spending the few moments he could with her without hovering over her at school. He liked that they could escape from the world, just being together was enough for him to hold onto when he had nothing but the sullen glances from his father. He needed her, and he had hoped she would need him as well one day. He felt guilty expecting so much from her, being so young, but he needed that connection like a drug. He was addicted to love, and he didn't feel guilty about it most days, only when he wasn't near it, near her.

_Wax me, mold me  
Heat the pins and stab them in_

* * *

"There she is." Craig smiled as he spotted Angie amongst some classmates. He loved watching her interact with other people, seeing her grow and be able to effect other people, spreading her love with the world. He envied her often, but it was what he treasured the most was her ability to bring light to others, her smile being so infectious and her laughter playing on the wind like a distant lullaby. He snapped a few pictures, not minding the most candid to be of her picking her nose or falling down in the woodchucks.

Within a few minutes, Angie noticed him behind a tree. "Craig, you came!" She ran into his open arms, attacking him with kisses. "What took you so long?" She crawled up in his lap, snuggling closer. "I missed you, Silly Billy."

"Missed you too, kiddo." He rustled her curls, taking another candid picture of her as she laid on the grass. "Stay still." He snapped a few more, watching as a daffodil blow apart over her face. Just than, Angie sat up, snatching the camera.

"Your turn!" She looked it over, looking puzzled. "How do you work this thing, anyhow?" She pushed a few buttons, clicking the back panel open.

Craig took it back, righting it and snapping another picture of her sticking out her tongue. "Your my subject, the photographer stays behind the camera, always." He laid back down next to her, watching to clouds go by. "How was daycare?"

Angie wrinkled her nose. "Boring." She turned on her stomach, picking blades of grass. "I can't wait to start school, you know, like you." She smiled lightly. "School looks like fun."

Craig matched her position, shaking his head. "Schools kinda lame, I mean you have to do homework and stuff. And than teachers are _really_ boring and..." He sneaked a peek at Angie, not paying attention to his rant. He lurched over her slightly, attacking sides with tickles. "And have bad breath!" He laughed as she giggled loudly, cringing as he rolled around in the grass. After they both collected themselves, he noticed Joey, his stepfather, approach one of the parents in the park. "Hey, kid. I better get going."

Angie frowned. "But it's okay. Daddy likes you." She seemed on the verge of tears, her bottom lip trembling. "Don't leave."

Craig knelled down in front of her, taking her hand. "I'll be back tomorrow, like always. I promise." He kissed her gently on the forehead, opening his arms as she ambushed him with a bear hug. "Love you."

"You too." She sniffled, breaking into a run. She turned quickly, sticking out her tongue before running toward her father.

Craig snapped a few more pictures of her running, hating the image immediately. He never wanted her running away from him, leaving him to fend for himself in the downturn cone of destruction that his life seemed to be. She was the only thing that was pulling him through the days, being with some one that loved him unconditionally. He had never wanted to expose him to his tattoos, his marks and imperfections, opening up Pandora's box to his demons. That was a part of his life that could be hidden from outsiders, and having to make her that seemed to be the only way to allow him to feel less of a freak, less human.

_You have turned me into this  
Just wish that it was bullet proof,  
Was bullet proof_

* * *

The sticky air of late summer made his mouth dry as he walked the not so long walk home, desperate to find some other distractions to stir him away from the foreboding image of his house. He went to the local convenient store to buy a soda when he saw a couple of girls near the back. He thought he might have recognized the taller one. She was blond but seemed kind of young while the other one was a smiley face brunette. They both giggled before leaving in a rush of giggles and the scent of bubble gum. Craig shook his head, chalking it up to being a silly teenage girl, never fully understanding how they ticked.

Walking the final block before he could actually see his house, he pulled down a few leaves, ripping them apart with ease, wondering if all things could tear as easily. He felt fragile all the time, just a ticking bomb before he released all his secrets to some poor soul who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. He had difficulty hiding himself from the world. He found it easier to pretend he was a spy, sent to live in this environment and was forced to deal with extreme physical endurance tests until the breaking point finally occurred and he was given his next assignment. Maybe he could go back to British Columbia or to London or Africa or all the places that seemed to not be in walking distance to the house that loomed only a few yards away.

The sun was setting when he walked inside, realizing he had left the park hours before and had manged to waste plenty of time meandering around the neighborhood. He had seen his father's car in the driveway, hoping he hadn't been waiting too long. He was still sore from the previous night's beating because he hadn't called to tell him he had went to the city to go to a store, not arriving home until nearly nine at night. He sighed with relief when he saw him in the kitchen, tossing a salad. "Hey kiddo." He seemed better than this morning, all smiles as he turned around in between the sink and the counters. "Dinner's about ready. You better get washed up." He sounded stern, but there was a playful tone to it, causing Craig to nod only before disappearing into his room to change. Peeling off his dirty shirt, he caught a glimpse of his reflection, the bold green quality of the fresh bruises and the tenderness that still remained. Grabbing the closet clean shirt, he pulled it over his head before rushing downstairs.

_So pay the money and take a shot  
Lead-fill the hole in me_

"Smells good. What we're having?" He slid into the chair, not looking at his father as he sat down a plate of pot roast. "Nice." He waited for Albert to take a seat, afraid to upset him if he started to eat. It was rare when he would be this pleasant for the better part of the day, so being on his best behavior was crucial. "How was work?"

Albert smiled openly, showing off his pearly whites. "It went very well. Complete success." He took a forkful of the meal, nodding for Craig to join in. "You know, it was just one of those times that reminded me why I became a doctor." He shrugged, enjoying his food. "How was yours?"

Craig shrugged, trying to not smile to openly. "Oh you know, it was nice. I took some great pictures at the park today."

Albert chuckled. "Maybe one of these days you'll let me finally see some of your work." He smiled again, making Craig slightly uneasy. "You're always so secretive... like your mother." For a moment, Craig stopped breathing, afraid that he might have unintentionally set him off, but when he watched his father shake his head as he got himself more salad, he was able to continue to eat.

After they had both finished, Craig stood up to collect both plates to start the dishes when Albert stood up, placing a firm hand on Craig's shoulder. "Sit, I'll take these." He allowed his father to take his plate, sitting down again. He knew that his disorder would set him in odd moods, different as night as day, sending him into this tangent where he wasn't sure of the rules, only knowing that he wanted to remain in his good graces.

As he twisted his dinner napkin, he heard his father step behind him, placing an envelope on the placemat. He turned to watch his father sit in front of him. "Well, open it." He saw his father bite his lip in anticipation when he opened it, revealing two tickets to Kid Elrick at the end of the month. Craig was speechless, not knowing if he should laugh out loud or hug his father. He took his eyes off the tickets, looking at him. He saw him clench his teeth. "You don't like it." It was a statement, not a question, making Craig weak in the knees.

_I could burst a million bubbles  
All surrogate and bullet proof_

"No! I love them. They're great!" He smiled widely, walking over at his father and awkwardly hugging him. They rarely embraced anymore, the gesture almost foreign in his presence, but when Albert patted him on the arm, he felt relief flood his body. "It's just..." He hated to bring it up, but it was a very prominent concern.

"What?" Albert looked tense, seemingly fragile as he waited.

"I, uh, I don't have anyone to take with me." He shrugged slightly. "I mean, I don't have any real friends at school, you know?"

Albert nodded. "Well, it's not until the end of the month, and school starts in a two weeks. You can find someone to take before than." He patted him on the back than, assuming the matter to be finished. "Glad you liked it."

Craig knew that was his best chance of an apology he would ever receive, so he nodded again, and walked out of the room. He knew that that evening was over as his father headed into his study, closing the door as he did most nights. He watched him do his nightly march into the far off room, ignoring the son he had to disappear into his own world for the remainder of the evening, leaving Craig to go on his own devices. He looked down at the tickets again, chuckling at the thought of taking Angie with him. It was times like that he wished he didn't feel anything. That he could protect himself from disappointment, fear, and love. It was only a matter of time until he upset him again and earn himself another beating. So as he walked into his red room, ready to develop his pictures from earlier, he tried to imagine what it would be like to stand in the crowd at the concert, seeing smiling faces and wishing he could feel that free too.

_And bullet proof  
And bullet proof  
And bullet proof_

* * *

_More later! --- MrsBigTuna_


	4. My Iron Lung

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. Nothing else new. **_

_A/N: And we're back. What if Mrs. Nash found out about Ellie's cutting earlier? This oneshot takes place during Season 3 and is only Ellie. Again, check back at my profile for a link to hear each featured song. I recommend it so you can actually the tone of the song and story. Enjoy!_

* * *

"**My Iron Lung"; The Bends**

It started on a whim, at least that's how she looked at it. It wasn't supposed to be this habit, but as she looked down at the latches on her porcelain skin, she knew it had developed far beyond her control. She figured hiding it under long sleeved shirts would help, even forgetting about them throughout the say until the urge returned. She could try to pretend to not be fazed by the occurrences, even going as far as denying them when she showered or dressed in the morning, but it was only than when the needlepoint object grazed her arms did it all seem too real. But again, as the old saying went... "Out of sight, out of mind." For Ellie Nash, it wasn't just an old saying, it was her creed.

_Faith, you're driving me away  
You do it everyday  
You don't mean it  
But it hurts like hell_

* * *

She had stopped cutting for approximately sixteen days, having been outed by her classmate, Paige, but the urges still remained. She pulled on her rubberbands, her new accessories from therapy, trying to rid the hunger to attack her arm with the sharpest thing she could find. Every time she closed her eyes she could see the look of shock on her mother's face, the horror as she rolled up her sleeves for Paige, the first time she actually spoke to Ms. Suave, only moments before in her weekly session, and the trace of concern, only making the aches and pains more severe. She longed for someway to release the stress, doodling on her notebook as sh waited for the bus.

She still had her beloved co-op that she was relieved could still keep, Catlin being more than gracious about the whole ordeal and telling her that with her experience she'd be more vital. It was just that every moment she was there, she felt like she was under a microscope. She would have periodic checks throughout the day, little smiles and hushed whispers at he watercooler, making it nearly as bad as it was at school. Not everyone knew about her habit, but enough did to make it obvious. She would receive the daily pat on the back form Marco, a gentle smile from Ashley and the friendly wise-crack from Paige, but it didn't make it any easier. She still felt small, insignificant and the tension only seemed to build.

_My brain says I'm receiving pain  
A lack of oxygen  
From my life support  
My iron lung_

* * *

"Mom, I'm home." She dropped off her backpack at the door, looking around for her mother. She would be home all the time now, fearful to leave her alone, and this would on;y cause her to drink more, continuing the vicious cycle that was her life. She shrugged off her jacket, hearing her mother in the back room. Walking toward it, she heard a glass break. Without a false step, she grabbed the nearby broom and headed in. "I got it."

"Oh, Ellie. I didn't hear you come in." She frantically tousled her hair, crossing her arms. "I'm sorry. I was just--"

"It's okay. I've got it." She swept at the glass, grabbing the dustpan. She noticed her mother scrutinizing her cleanup. "What?"

"Just don't... cut yourself, sweetheart. There's a lot of broken glass." Nearly lunging at her, she snatched the broom, pushing her away. "Let me get this. You go on now and start your homework." She tackled the mess head on, leaving Ellie puzzled.

"Alright." She shrugged as she went into her room. A few moments passed when she heard her mother walk in. "Yes?"

"Just wanted to know what you waned got dinner?" Ellie turned to her mother, seeing her in the light of her room and noticing the heavy circles under her eyes. She looked as if she hadn't slept properly I years. " I was thinking maybe some chicken stirfry. I know you like that." She crossed her arms self-consciously, assessing the room. "And you might want to tidy up in here, Eleanor. It's getting a bit junky in the corners." She lifted a pile of dirty clothes near the door. "I can start a load of laundry if you want--"

"Mom, just start dinner." She rested her hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her before she drank anymore that evening. "Look, I'm fine, okay? I'll do some laundry later tonight. Just make dinner and I'll be out later after I get some of my homework done." She felt bad talking to her mother as if she was the child in the relationship, but it was easy to feel sad for her most days. It wasn't as if she was beat up by her or anything. But seeing her mother fall into the bottle over and over again only intensified the internal struggles she faced constantly.

_We're too young to fall asleep  
To cynical to speak  
We are losing it  
Can't you tell? _

It wasn't long after dinner and laundry when Ellie felt she was finally alone. She was sitting on the floor of her room, reading some poetry book Marco had let her borrow from ages ago and haven't ever returned when she rolled up her sleeves. She could make out the small red whelps from the rubberbands, masking the still healing scars from the cutting. It was than she felt like ripping off her skin, shrugging it off like a snake and having something new and fresh. She wanted to start fresh, ridding all traces of self-inflictions and being a different Ellie, a better Ellie. It wasn't more or less the fact that she was scarred that kept her up at all hours of the night, but it was that she was forever labeled. She was price sticker on her forehead, a branding on her ass, a tattoo that couldn't be removed. Even after all the shedding, all the concealing, she would always be a cutter. And she was scared.

_We scratch our eternal itch  
A twentieth century bitch  
And we are grateful for  
Our iron lung_

* * *

"So... how are you?" Ashley smiled from across the tab;e in front of the school. She hadn't asked much the past few weeks, knowing she might get her head bitten off from Ellie, but she smiled nonetheless. "I mean, have the meetings helped at all?"

Ellie shrugged as she chewed on her fries. "Ms. Suave wants me to start group counseling soon. Abe next week. There's one for teens every week down at the youth center that she thinks could be good for me, you know?" She hated talking about this stuff, especially with Ashley. She had Craig, who was kid of her prefect match, she was still popular and everything seemed to go for her. She might have been her best friend, but there was few things that they could relate to outside of the usual angsty teenage woes that everyone shared. "I don't know, sounds kinda silly."

Ashley nodded. "Well, it's up to you." She peered over her book, looking more cynical. "I think you should do it though, just to see if it's worth it."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Look, I get that it's supposed to be a 'therapeutic' practice, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for the whole world to see I'm more than a freak." She broke into a small smile, tossing a fry at Ashley's head. "Besides, it'll be kinda a lot with my co-op and everything."

"True, but this could also be great for it. I mean, what better way than knowing your target audience than getting to be a part of it yourself." Ashley threw back the fry, landing in a pile of catchup. "Look, I'm trying to force you or anything, I just think you should at least consider it."

"Thanks, Mom." Ellie rolled her eye again when she caught Ashley's expression. "What?"

"How's your mom handling all this?" They rarely spoke about Ellie's mother, both knowing about the alcoholism, but never discussing it on a grand scale.

"As I expected her to, of course." She shrugged. "You find out your daughter is hurting herself, she's going to hurt herself, and thus the circle of life." She tried to play it off, but the anxiety rested on her shoulders. "She never leaves me alone, hovering all the time. It's a bit annoying."

Ashely chuckled. "She cares. It's what mothers do."

"Oh, so that's a mother? Forget how that whole thing went down." She knew that she meant it to sound more playful than it sounded but as the bell rand for class, she dumped her trash, joining Ashley at the stairs. "I guess I can at least try to learn something."

"Sounds like a plan." Ashley wrapped a supportive arm around Ellie, chuckling as Ellie laid her head on her shoulder.

_The head shrinkers  
They want everything  
My uncle Bill  
My Belisha beacon  
The head shrinkers  
They want everything  
My uncle Bill  
My Belisha beacon_

* * *

Walking home from school, Ellie stirred down a smaller street, taking the long way home. She couldn't handle seeing her mother for more than she had too, deciding to linger at the neighborhood park. She sat on a swing, rocking back and forth as the wind blew through her pigtails. She watched on as a few schoolchildren ran by the slide, giggling as they fell over, only breaking into another run. Ellie longed for those carefree days again, before everything got pear-shaped and scary, before life seemed to throw her curveballs and before destroying her skin seemed to give her release.

She wondered when it all seemed to fall apart. She knew her life wasn't ever picture perfect, but she wanted to know had she done anything that warranted the events that surrounded her troubled life. She tried to conjure up the past years, her father being recruited, hr mother's subsequent drinking, her outer appearance changing, falling deeper into the hole than she imagined. It wasn't always bad, knowing that she once had two parents at home. She missed her father all the time, and it wasn't that she loved her mother any less, it was that he was easier to talk to. As much as everyone compared her to her mother, Ellie knew she was her father's daughter. They both could be silent watchers, observing everything and yet could be oblivious. He didn't seem to notice the fragile fabric that their household was when he left, didn't seem to realize that his wife and daughter were slowly falling apart, but it wasn't until he was gone that the curtain was pulled back and things seemed far more real for Ellie's liking. She liked to put on the mask, the smile, the charade. It made things easier. It made it easier to get up in the morning. It made it easier not to hate her mother. It made it easier not to hate herself.

_Suck, suck your teenage thumb  
Toilet trained and dumb  
When the power runs out  
We'll just hum  
This, this is our new song  
Just like the last one  
A total waste of time  
My iron lung _

* * *

She didn't see her mother's car as she walked inside, feeling gleeful for the first time in days. She was finally alone. She ran into her room, plunging into her bed and covering herself with her sheets so that she might disappear. She loved these moments, when she could actually laugh and not be suspected over something suspicious, able to be herself, even though these days she wasn't sure who that was. She pulled off her jacket, throwing it across the room with malice, blowing caution to the wind as she laid haphazardly on the side of her bed. She liked this, she needed this. It was than amongst the carefree motions that she wanted to cut. The urge caused her to bolt into the air, desperate to distract herself. She tidied up her room, picking up her jacket and neatening her books and papers, filling the space and avoiding the burning sensation traveling up her arm.

"Don't give in to temptation." She closed her eyes, reciting the lines in from the pamphlet Ms. Suave had given her earlier that week. She needed to be strong, snapping the band mercilessly, hoping it would suffice. Taking a few more heavy breaths, she sat at her desk, looking over at her books again. "You can do this. You're Ellie Nash." She remembered that being herself could pull her through anything. She once took pride in being Ellie, someone who didn't stand down to brutality, even if it meant her own demons. She was used to harvesting all her bad feelings deep inside, forcing them under the surface. It was what she had always done. She snapped at her writ again, hating that she couldn't control her urges. She had one minor slip-up and now was resulted to this, snapping at her wrist because she couldn't handle one day of school. She felt weaker than she had in weeks, all the effort draining her more and more and feeling helpless. Had it always been this difficult? Was it supposed to be so hard to be herself again? She wasn't even sure if she was Ellie Nah anymore.

_The head shrinkers  
They want everything  
My uncle Bill  
My Belisha beacon  
The head shrinkers  
They want everything  
My uncle Bill  
My Belisha beacon _

Frustrated, she three on her jacket, thinking another walk around the block might do her some good. She walked out the back door, if only to avoid her mother if she ran into her. If she didn't know she was home, she could gain a few extra minutes. The fresh air in her lungs helped as she walked faster. Without realizing it, she broke into a run. She wasn't she running from or running towards, but she knew she needed to move faster, maybe she would figure it out once she could there or she would just continue to run until she found it, whatever it might have been. The running, the wind that traveled up her sleeves grazing the raw skin, it all seemed so much when she reached the end of the street, which was a large intersection. Cars whizzing by at all speeds in front of her, realizing she had ran a mile. She caught her breath, wanting to break into another run when she saw her mother across the street. She was at the supermarket, loading groceries into the trunk. She looked so small in the parking lot, lost among the dozens of cars surrounded her and she wanted to run to her than.

_And if you're frightened  
You can be frightened  
You can be, it's OK  
And if you're frightened  
You can be frightened  
You can be, it's OK_

Dodging between cars, she made it across, walking behind her. "Hey mom."

Her mother jumped clear into the air, spinning around as she held unto her chest. "Jesus, Eleanor." She looked around. "How did you get here?"

Ellie shrugged. "I went for a walk." She smiled, handling her the remainder bag from the cart. "Are you headed home?"

"Actually, I had a few more errands to run." She sniffled, scanning Ellie swiftly. "You look like you've been sweating." She laid the back of her hand on Ellie's forehead. "You _are_ sweating. Are you sick?"

Ellie shook her head, closing the trunk. "I'm fine, I swear." She opened the passenger door, sliding inside. She watched her mother walk around and into the driver's seat. "I'm fine, Mom. Really." She tried her best to give her a convincing smile, but she had been out of practice. "Can I come with you... on your errands?"

Her mother nodded, trying to resist a smile. "Sure, of course. But you should lay down when we get home. You don't look well."

Ellie nodded, looking out at the oncoming traffic, dissolving into the mass of cars as they drove further down the road. "Okay." She liked this, her mother worried and as realization set it, maybe it wasn't the worst thing in the world to be worried about, because she clearly needed to be.

_The head shrinkers  
They want everything  
My uncle Bill  
My Belisha beacon_

* * *

_More coming soon! --- MrsBigTuna_


	5. Creep

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or Radiohead. I hope I've made myself perfectly clear. **_

_A/N: These are coming along nicely, and I hope everyone is checking out the link for the songs, it's really helpful, promise. This oneshot takes place in Season 3, shortly after the episode, 'Holiday'. And I think this song fits it well. Enjoy!_

* * *

"**Creep"; Pablo Honey**

"Did this school always have this many girls?" Craig looked around the classroom, dozens of pairs of eyes seemed to follow him as he moved from his desk to his backpack on the floor. "I mean, they're everywhere."

Spinner shrugged. "Yeah, it's just you weren't a slimeball until last week." He snickered to himself, passing around the homework assignments. "Besides, they really hate you."

"Not helping, Spin." He looked around helplessly, hopeful to find a focal point where he could look and try to disappear.

"Who said I was trying to help? I was just stating the obvious, dude. You're pretty much the scum of the Earth." He walked away, shaking his head.

Craig hunched over his desk, wondering why he hadn't stayed under the covers and faked sick like he had planned. It was the first day back from break and everyone was looking at him like he had the plague. He realized he had done wrong to two girls, he didn't know that meant the entire female population of the school. "This is gonna be a long day."

_When you were here before,  
couldn't look you in the eye.  
You're just like an angel,  
your skin makes me cry.  
You float like a feather,  
in a beautiful world  
I wish I was special,  
you're so fucking special._

_But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.  
What the hell am I doing here?  
I don't belong here._

* * *

Ellie walked alongside Ashley as they both headed into the lab, greeted by Marco and Paige. "Hey guys." She slid next to Marco, smirking over at Paige as she scowled across the room at Craig. She simply shook her head, not surprised by his actions. She had never really taken to his existence, so seeing him being shunned by most of his classmates only supported her cause. She looked over at Ashley, who looked like she was going to vomit. "Hey, you okay?"

Ashley shook her head, not able to lift her head from her book in front of her. "I just want this day to pass." She looked ahead, avoiding any of the other's glanced and started her assignment. Ellie sighed, looking over at Marco for help, which he gave none, so she resigned, leaving her alone.

Paige leaned around her computer. :Just ignore him, hon. Everyone else seems to have the death stares covered." She winked, hoping to be reassuring, but looked glum with none response from Ashley.

Ashley suddenly stood. "Mr. Simpson, could I go to the washroom?" She briskly walked up to his front desk, practically running through the door.

Mr. Simpson raised his eyebrow in surprise. "Ellie, could you go see if she's alright?"

Ellie nodded silently as she raced after Ashley, finding her on the ground near the back, crying "Ashley?"

"Just leave me alone, El. Please." Ellie watched as she shook from crying, handling her some tissue from one of the stalls. She wordlessly sat beside her, wrapping an arm around her. She had never loved someone as Ashley apparently loved Craig. She watched them together and she knew there must have been something there that he had shared with her. She had never thought of Craig as anything special, but she had admittedly envied their relationship, having someone there. It was than that she hated Craig for what she had done. She had expected it would have ended for whatever reasons, but seeing her best friend crumble just being near him was more than she could stand. Ashley looked up than, leaning her head on Ellie's shoulder. "Thanks for staying."

Ellie stroked her hair. "Of course." She didn't know what else to say, no words of wisdom, nothing she could think of seemed right or appropriate. They stayed silent for a little longer when Ellie took Ashley's hand to stand her up. "Come one, Simpson might start getting worried." She cracked a smile, hoping it would spread to Ashley. "We can have a movie night this weekend at my place. My mom is gonna be gone to my Aunt's house so we could just hang, just us girls."

Ashley wiped her face, checking her reflection. "Sounds awesome, count me in." She tried to smile, but ti came out more as a grimace, chuckling. "Gonna take a while before I can do that." They walked slowly back to class, avoiding Craig as they walked to their seats. Ellie nodded at Mr. Simpson, inwardly hoping that the next few days got better.

* * *

Craig bolted for the door as soon as the bell rang, desperate to separate himself from Ashley at all cost. The look of horror as she glance his way was enough to destroy any chance of sleeping this week. He hadn't slept much all weekend, and barely through the vacation if you could call it that. He had attempted to call Ashley, not knowing what else to say but sorry. It was such a puny word, not really holding any meaning, but what other word was there to say? He walked the halls aimlessly, not venturing to the cafeteria for more razor-sharp glances from the student body. He slid down against a locker, closing his eyes when her a throat clear. He looked up, finding none other than Ellie Nash. Not wanting to deal with Ashley's friend, he put on his best stone face. "Can I help you?"

_I want a perfect body,  
I want a perfect soul.  
I want you to notice,  
when I'm not around.  
You're so fucking special,  
I wish I was special._

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.  
What the hell am I doing here?.  
I don't belong here

Ellie crossed her arms, a snare across her lip. "Actually, if you don't mind sulking in front of someone else's locker instead of mine, that would be great, thanks." She proceeded to shove him over with her leg, pulling oped her locker door. She chuckled to herself as he toppled over.

"Okay, that's it!" Craig slammed Ellie's door, snaring at her. "It's bad enough Ashley and Manny can't stand being in the same room as me, but I don't need this."

Ellie pushed him away from her locker. "Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" She wanted to slap him, for Ashley, even for Many, but seeing him looming there, the lanky boy that didn't have a clue, she felt the effort futile. "Just stay away from Ashley. Don't bother calling her. Don't, okay? He has it rough enough. You humiliated her in front of the entire school. It's bad for her." She opened up her locker again, grabbing her few belongings. "If you want to sulk, find someplace else to do it." She slammed her locker, marching away.

Watching Ellie leave, he wanted to hit something, anything. He kicked at the locker door, wishing for it to bend to his foot, maybe even swallow him whole. He didn't need this, being reminded constantly of his fornications. He loved Ashley . He really did. He didn't know why he messed with Manny Santos. She was trouble from day one, either she was ridiculously clingy, almost having babies or whatever crazy thing followed her around. He walked down the hall, finding an empty classroom to rest his head. He just wanted to sleep without the guilt behind his eyelids, to nit have to deal with the pressure, the longing he had for Ashley. "I'm such an idiot."

_She's running out the door,  
she's running,  
she run, run, run, run, run._

* * *

Ellie walked into the cafeteria, seeing the usual group at the back table. She didn't want to sit with them, and she felt conflicted. She didn't need to see Craig, not today. She was weighed down with the minor breakdown of Ashley's to deal with her nemesis. She took a seat at an empty tab;e, seeing weird glances from her friends. She just needed time to think, to process everything. She rolled her eyes, wondering what had come over her. Was she actually feeling compassion for Craig? Her stomach turned at the thought, wishing it away.

Ashley sat across from her, trading some of her food with her own. "I like it over here, it's quiet." She tried to smirk, but shook her head instead. "I don't think I'm coming to school tomorrow." The statement was more severe than it was tended to be. "My mom had said if I had wanted to take a few extra days off, she would vouch for me. I think I need them, you know?" She looked over at Ellie for a response. "Hey, you alive over there?"

"Huh?" Ellie looked up, noticing Ashley for the first time. "Oh, hey." She didn't like the images of Craig sprouting in her mind's eye. Instead, she made another frown. "Boys are assholes."

"You're preaching to the choir." Ashley made another pan around the cafeteria as Marco and Paige took seat beside them respectively.

Ellie knowingly shook her head. "He's not here." She snatched back her pudding cup replacing the jello Ashley had. "He won't be coming in here." She said it with absolute confidence, receiving a small smile form Ashley.

Craig walked out of the school, the burning of invisible holes on his flesh felt raw as he passed a group of grade tens. He hadn't seen Manny all day, figuring she might have ditched, but once he spotted her near Emma Nelson, he sighed, making his way toward her. He wanted someone to hear his side, and he figured if he started with her, he would be able to find a way to talk to Ashley. "Hey."

Manny looked up, her eyes widening. She turned to Emma, who held a defiant glare. "Go away, Craig."

"Look Manny, if I could just talk to you for a second--"

"We said go--" Emma paused when Manny stopped her, shaking her head. They exchanged looks, and within seconds Emma had left the two alone. Manny looked expectantly at Craig waiting for him to speak.

"You have something you need to say?" She crossed her arms, looking more self-conscious than her usual assertive self.

"I, uh, I'm sorry. For everything. The way everything ended. With the baby... with Ashley... with us." He stumbled on more to say, but he simply sighed. "I know you hate me, I get that. But I..." He looked up for help, maybe Manny could say something to make him not so afraid

"You _don't_ get it, do you?" Manny rolled her eyes as she sat on the nearby bench.

Craig looked confused. "What are you talking about?" He searched for something in her eyes to give him a clue, but like always, when it came to Manny, he never quite understood her, his attraction or for choosing her over Ashley. He had something great with Ashley and here he was, sitting next to Manny Santos of all people. "Look, I said what I had to say. I really am sorry for what happened. I'll see you around." He walked away, not sure what or if anything that had transpired was helpful.

* * *

Ellie cut through the parking lot to get home faster, away from the day, away from Ashley and her Craig issues, just away. As she approached the last row or cars she noticed Craig standing at the corner, looking more pathetic than he had in the hallway. She had tried to turn around to avoid him but she realized he had seen her as he rolled his eyes "Are you stalking me now?"

_Whatever makes you happy,  
whatever you want.  
You're so fucking special,  
I wish I was special_

Ellie chuckled throatily, holding her stomach. "You really are an asshole, you know that?" She walked away from him, hoping if she walked fast enough, he would leave her alone. Noticing he was following her, she spun around. "What is your problem? You want every girl at this school to hate you or something? Well, guess what? Mission accomplished."

Craig threw down his backpack. "You never liked me, right? I know you never did. You would always roll your eyes at me and Ashley, all the time. Why?"

Ellie crossed her arms. She tried to stand close to him, hoping he would just go away. "I knew you'd hurt her, that's why. She's my best friend and I knew you had eyes for Manny for a while." She didn't look at him when she spoke, staring at the school.

"Why didn't you tell Ashley than?" Craig walked around to face her. "If you had suspicions--"

"Look, it doesn't matter what I think. You hurt Ashley, alright! You don't get to feel hurt. You don't get to feel anything but remorse." Ellie pushed him away. "You think you can put some guilt trip on everyone because you're father died or whatever."

Craig raged ahead of her. "You don't know what you're talking about, so don't--"

"It doesn't matter. You can't use your past as excuses. You have a rough past, that doesn't give you the right to be an asshole... a creep." She shoved past him than, but paused as she turned around. "If you're really sorry, you'd leave her alone. She needs time to not hate you."

Craig crossed his arms. "Why do you care anyway?"

Ellie shrugged. "For some reason or another, you make her happy. And I'm her best friend. It's my job to make sure she's happy. If you're it, than fine. But give her some space." She shrugged her shoulders, turning around and walking the rest the way home, wondering if she should help Craig, or was she helping herself.

_But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.  
What the hell am I doing here?  
I don't belong here,  
I don't belong here._

* * *

_I've never really liked this song, but as the band's biggest hit, I figured it deserved a spot in the collection and seeing Craig get kicked around seemed to be the best way to do it._

_More to come. --- MrsBigTuna_


	6. Subterranean Homesick Alien

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. Neither are up for negotiations. **_

_A/N: Hey everyone! Hope everyone is enjoying these little snapshots of this couple's lives. Remember, these are not continuations from each other. Most of these are stand alone, so just keep that in mind. This oneshot takes place during Season 4, 'Secret, Pt:1' specifically. I might have changed a few things, just because I can. And don't forget to go to my profile for a link to all the songs featured in the collection. Okay, go ahead and read. _

* * *

"**Subterranean Homesick Alien"; OK Computer**

"What are you supposed to bring to these things anyway?" He stood in his room, pacing as he tried to decide if he should bring anything to his first group meeting. The very thought of actually going made him want to laugh out loud. Images conjured up of sitting in a circle, holding hands and singing songs to 'shake the care away', sending another round of giggles up his spine. What was the purpose outside of parading to everyone that he was a weird that couldn't control his temper or emotions. He shook his head, heading into the bathroom to take his medication when someone wrapped at his door. "Hark, who goes that?"

_The breath of the morning  
I keep forgetting.  
The smell of the warm summer air._

Joey chuckled as he cracked the door. "You decent?"

"As much as I can be. Come in." He walked out the bathroom, sitting across from Joey who had materialized on his bed. "What's up?"

Joey shook his head. :Just wanted to know if you wanted a ride." He tried to repress the smile lying just underneath the surface.

"No, thanks. I think I need the walk." He pulled on his jacket, looking himself over in the mirror as he caught Joey's reflection. "What?"

"I;m just glad Ashley convinced you into doing this. It'll be good for you." He patted him on the back fatherly. "You know... being around like you."

"Yeah, freaks." He slouched off Joey's hand, walking across the room.

"You're not a freak, Craig. And neither are they. You just... you have some problems that you have to work through. We all have them."

"Yeah, I bet. And you have to take medication too, right?" He hated the fact that he had to be on meds to be somewhat normal. It made him seem unattached to his emotions, like someone was taking control of the gears in his mind and he was jut autopilot, along for the ride. "Look, I better get going so I'm not late." He passed Joey, feeling guilty about yelling at him. He knew he cared, it was just that everywhere he turned, looks of concern and worry followed him and it was getting more and more difficult to ignore.

_I live in a town  
where you can't smell a thing,  
you watch your feet  
for cracks in the pavement._

* * *

Passing through the park, he noticed the changing colors of the leaves, feeling as if everything was changing around him. His schoolmates had changed so much in his past weeks, making him long to visit Jimmy in the hospital instead of doing the ridiculous group crap. How was talking about your feelings in front of a group of strangers any different that talking to his therapist? He knew just as much about him as he did the kids he would soon have to face. He had gotten back in good graces with Ashley after his outburst and most of his friends seemed to not hate his guts, but he still felt like an outsider at time.

Approaching the youth center, he knew it was his last chance to make a run for it now before facing the music, but he took a breath and walked inside. He noticed a group of kids hanging by the entrance of a classroom, joking around as they noticed Craig. One of the girls smiled, nudging her friend beside her. Craig gave her an easy smile, looking for the classroom number 134. "Hey, you lost?"

_Up above  
aliens hover  
making home movies  
for the folks back home,  
of all these weird creatures  
who lock up their spirits,  
drill holes in themselves  
and live for their secrets._

Craig turned, seeing a slender boy near the end of the hall looking him over. "You talking to me?"

"I'm looking at you, aren't I?" He crossed his arms, leaning against the wall. "Relax, just trying to be helpful. You seemed lost." He walked over, extending his hand. "Nigel."

"Craig." Craig looked him over quickly, seeing that he wasn't nearly as foreboding as before. "Yeah, I guess I am lost. Do you know where Room 134 is?"

Nigel nodded. "Yeah, I'm actually going there myself." He looked Craig over again. "I would peg you for someone looking for the music room." He chuckled. "Guess looks can be deceiving. You have that whole 'indie kid' look about you." He beckoned Craig to follow him, as they walked down another corridor away from the group of noisy teens. "So, what's your damage?"

"Huh?" Craig looked up, feeling slightly out of his element. "Um, they say I'm bipolar."

"Who's 'they'? Your counselors or therapists? Nigel stopped in front of the classroom 134, leaning by the door. "Or was it your own diagnosis?"

Craig chuckled. "I didn't figure people actually diagnosed themselves bipolar."

"Well sure. I mean, when you start hearing other people's stories, you'll realize you're not as much as a freak than you think you are." He budded his head across the way toward a girl sitting on the stairs. "You see her? She has Münchausen's Syndrome. You know, make herself sick for attention." He shook his head. "She actually tired to get cancer."

Craig felt slightly squeamish. "Why?"

"Hell if I know." He smirked. "I'm thinking to get attention." He pulled out a box of cigarettes, tapping it against his wrist.

"You can smoke in here?" Craig looked stunned as he watched his new companion pull out one.

"No, of course not. But it helps my nerves holding it." He offered Craig one. "Want one?"

"I'm good, thanks." He was fascinated by Nigel, his cavalier attitude and his humor about everything. "You've been going here long?"

"Not too long. I used to got to this one up north but got kicked out." He noticed Craig's curious expression. "Started a fight with another kid. Got pretty ugly. Anyway, that told me to leave." He looked back at Craig, chuckling. "I'm bipolar too."

Craig's shoulders eased even more so, seeing that he had at least found someone else like him with violent tendencies. "It sucks, huh?"

Nigel chuckled. "Oh yeah. It's a blast." He put away his cigarette as a gentleman came down the hall, smiling slightly.

_They're all uptight, uptight,  
uptight, uptight,  
uptight, uptight._

"Nigel, good to see you." He turned to Craig, extending his hand. "And you're my new one, eh? Pleasure to meet you. I'm Dr. Kendrick. I'm the mediator here." They shook hands briefly as other people walked in. "Well, take a seat and we'll get started shortly." Craig grabbed a seat by Nigel, seeing the two girls fro earlier seating further in the back. He took inventory of the clothing. Another seemed to be a jock with his build and clean cut appearance. Some seemed like more of the bookworm persuasion and others seemed confident amongst the crowd like Nigel. Interestingly enough, he didn't feel out of place, if not feeling like he belonged somewhere for the first time in a long while. He didn't want to admit it right now of course, but he seemed comfortable.

* * *

After the first fifteen minutes, they had introduced each other, and had started talking about the past week at school and some situations that they were confronted by that they had to assess. Craig and Nigel were discussing he disclosure of their disorders, feeling better to hide them than let them be shown to the world to see, eclipsing their real personalities when the door opened, revealing a familiar face. Craig watched as Ellie Nash too a seat near Dr. Kendrick, apologizing for her tardiness. She caught Craig's stunned look, ignoring it as she paid close attention to the conversation occurring in the circle.

Craig was steaming by the time break was called. He noticed Nigel waving him over to join him and the jock guy but Craig ignored them to walk toward Ellie. "What are you going here?

Ellie chuckled. "Nice to see you too." She grabbed a cup of fruit punch, wrinkling her nose. "I thought it would be that strawberry they had a few weeks ago. It was so good." She shrugged as she grabbed some cookies. She looked over at Craig, seeing him still upset. "Would you stop being so melodramatic about the whole thing. It's not the end of the world."

"Yeah, but it's _your_ group." He looked around, feeling suddenly trapped in the four walls that seemed so comforting only an hour before. "Is this Ashley's way of keeping tabs on me?"

Ellie rolled her eyes. "No, it's more of her way of being a caring girlfriend." She looked him up and down, clearly impassive. "And wasting it on you. You really need to get over this egotistical trip you're on. You seem more of an ass than you usually are." She pushed past him, taking a seat by one of the girls, diving into a conversation.

_I wish that they'd sweep down in a country lane,  
late at night when I'm driving.  
Take me on board their beautiful ship,  
show me the world as I'd love to see it._

Craig walked over to Nigel, taking a few cookies. "Hey man."

Nigel looked over at Ellie. "You know her?" He smirked slightly. "She turned me down a few weeks back when I asked her out. She's a piece of work , huh?"

Craig nodded, trying to not pay attention to the smirk lurking at the corner of her mouth. "Oh yeah." He shook his head, looking down at the cookies. "Is this the best they can come up with?"

Nigel chuckled. "Oh, you're gonna love it here." He patted him on the back as they sat back down.

* * *

Craig rummaged through his refrigerator, looking for some real food when the doorbell rang. "I got it!" He jogged to the door, finding a redhead at the doorstep. He opened the door, seeing Ellie Nash with a guitar in her hand. "Yeah?"

She frowned sheepishly. "Know how to re-sting a guitar?"

"Ask Ash. She's good at forcing things." He stormed back into the living room, hearing Ellie's footsteps behind him. "Look, Ellie--" He turned, finding a more timid Ellie than he had ever seen her. She had always seemed to be a force to be with be reckoned with, assuming that she was genuinely fearless. Seeing her so humbled made him uncomfortable. "Why are you really here?"

"The paper-thin excuse didn't catch, huh?" She smirked, laying down her guitar. "I used to cut myself."

Craig nodded. "I know."

"And what's worse is that I'll always be one, no matter how long I go without cutting. I'll always be a cutter."

"Well that sucks." They both stood in the living room, not knowing exactly to do next. As much as they had hung out together, they never really spent much time without Ashley as a buffer. "I'm bipolar and it doesn't matter if I think it sucks either."

_I'd tell all my friends but they'd never believe me,  
They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely.  
I'd show them the stars and the meaning of life.  
They'd shut me away.  
But I'd be alright, alright,  
I'd be alright,  
I'm alright._

Ellie hitched up her guitar strap. "I think Kurt Cobain was bipolar. Maybe if he just accepted that, maybe things might have been different." She looked over at Craig, hoping she might be making an impression. "Nigel from group manages okay."

"Yeah, he seemed cool." Craig smirked, thinking about the others at the group and for the most part, he had enjoyed their company.

"He is! You should call back! It's pretty okay. I mean, it's kinda scary at first, talking about your feelings and everything, but it gets easier." She allowed a smile to play on her lips. "Once you get past the whole fact that you're around people like you... like us, it's better." She chuckled, rolling her eyes. "So, I'll see you next week than?"

Craig nodded. "Yeah, I'll be there." They lulled in the doorway for a moment when Ellie turned to leave. "I guess I'll see you at school."

Ellie nodded as she looked up at Craig again. "Yeah, see ya later." She waved, walking out the door. She paused however, spinning around. "And you should probably call Ashley." She made a grimace, walking down the small path.

As Craig closed the door, debating to call Ashley that moment or later on, he wondered what made Ellie actually come. Was it Ashley encouraging her to forge a friendship or was it really her wanting to make amends? At any rate, he knew he's continue to go to group, if only to try to make the effort. If Ellie could, he knew he could too.

_I'm just uptight, uptight,  
uptight, uptight,  
uptight, uptight,  
uptight, uptight,  
uptight._

* * *

_More is coming, dearies. -- MrsBigTuna_


	7. Street Spirit

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. No, I really don't.**_

_A/N: I kinda a scene from the Season 4 finale: "Goin' Down the Road: Pt. 2", and ran with it. I had written this oneshot about seven times, and I think I finally settled on this. Also, this is probably one of the most beautiful songs ever written. It's a stunner. As always, read, review and enjoy. And be sure to stop by my profile for a link to a playlist for this collection._

* * *

"**Street Spirit"; The Bends**

The police sirens echoed off the puddles of water, splashing up against the tires as the cars sped past down the endless road. Shouting from the apartment complex hid, tucked away in the small crevices in the night, making the damp evening more profound. It wasn't just the streetlights that seemed to bare down on his back, but it was the ever-present throb that pulsated on Craig Manning's neck, making him ache for a place to lay his head. He dug in his pockets, finding forty-seven dollars and thirty-three cents. That's all he had in the world, but all he could think about was the fight that Joey and Caitlin had before he left. That's all they ever did anymore was fight and scream and somehow it always came back to Craig's illness. He needed to break free, not for himself, but for the mercy of his family that only seemed to crumble, like everything and everybody he was attached to.

_Rows of houses all bearing down on me  
I can feel their blue hands touching me _

He hitched up his guitar case, blocking the cold winds coming from the north as he stumbled along the side of the road, desperate for shelter and clueless to his own means to find any. He knew he couldn't go back home, the strain he was and the constant reminder of his indiscretions as the "orphan" made each step in the opposite direction more hopeful. He needed to get away, far away from the pressure, the destructive environment he was creating in the once safe haven. How could he let this happen? How could he let the closet thing to family fall apart? He looked down at his hands, feeling contaminated and diseased. He felt like a marked man, destined for failure. It was time for him to realize and accept that now rather than later. He closed his eyes, inhaling sharply at the twilit street, absorbing the freshness of the air and hoping against hope that he was at least worthy of the opportunity he had in front of him, starting over.

* * *

Ellie scratched the back of her knee, the hosiery bunching slightly as she maneuvered herself on the lab stool. She could feel Jason Mewes looking her over again. She had to remove his hand from her thigh twice that day, not looking forward to another scene with him. She was relieved that the filming was nearly over, but she felt apprehensive. She wanted to get out of this Elvira getup immediately, but in her black jeans and hoodie, her Chucks and feel normal again, so she had began looking at the clock so frequently it looked like she had a nervous tick. She felt a vibration, rolling her eyes thinking it was another Jason stunt, but when she saw Ashley's name flashing with "911" text, she bolted for the door, not caring if Kevin Smith screamed, "_Cut!_"

Ellie dialed Ashley's number rapidly, a thousand different scenarios popping into her mind. "Pick up... Hey! What's wrong?"

Ashley sniffled on the other line, her voice shaky. "It's Craig... He's gone missing! I just got a call from Joey saying that he was going to meet me here in London, which is absurd and he was supposed to be her three days ago. Ellie... he could be hurt. I'm so scared."

Ellie watched other people filter out of the chemistry lab, figuring Kevin called it a night seeing as others were grabbing their belongings from other classrooms. She went into an adjacent classroom, grabbing her backpack and jacket. "What do you want me to do?"

"Find him, Ellie! He... he trusts you. He knows you. Maybe you can talk some sense into him, make him come home. He's sick, Ellie. You know that better than anyone. Please... for me." Ashley eventually cried over the phone, creating a buzzing on the other end.

"I'll do the best I can, okay?" What happened next merely occurred to the strength of their friendship. Ellie rushed into the bathroom, changing her clothes in record speed. Without turning around to apologize to Kevin and the crew, she ran down the steps of the school, trying to flag down a cab. She paced slightly in the parking lot, trying to figure out her next move. She paused briefly when she felt someone tap her on her shoulder, causing her to jump several inches clear into the air. Spinning on her heel, she found Jason Mewes. Relief flooded her pale cheeks. "Thank God! I need your help."

"I'm at you leisure, sweet thing." He moved remarkably closer, outstretching his arm around Ellie's shoulders. "What can I do for you?"

Ellie shrugged off his arm smoothly, pulling him toward his car. "I need a ride. To downtown."

_All these things into position  
All these things we'll one day swallow whole  
And fade out again and fade out _

Jason halted. "I knew you were a wild vixen under all those stockings. You hit up clubs and stuff, huh?"

Ellie pursed her lips, considering her options. She needed to find Craig, if not for Ashley, but for her own nerves. She had seen him just yesterday, looking unkempt and slightly unhinged. She was too absorbed in her own melodrama to take notice to his odd behavior, the overwhelming feeling of guilt taking hold of her lungs. "Look, I need to find someone... a friend. I think he might be hanging out downtown at some of the teen clubs. I just need a ride."

Jason nodded, jogging over to the other side of his car. "Well, hop in. I can get you down there in a few minutes. Are we in a hurry, 'cause I can gun it if we have to."

Ellie felt a new round of adoration for the slightly over-sexed costar. "I don't think we need to break the law, just get me down there as fast, and ad legal as possible."

"Your wish is my command, goth goddess." He slammed on the accelerator, speeding off into the night.

* * *

Craig felt as if had been walking for days, hunger getting the better of him. He paused briefly, trying to gain his bearings as people from all directions were passing, one in particular in a long trench coat bumped clear into him, knocking him into the brick wall. "Hey, man! Watch where you're going!"

The man turned around, ramming him against the wall harder. "Who the hell do you think you're talking to like that?! Watch where the fuck _you're_ going!" He pushed him again, walking faster down the street.

Craig watched him leave, shaken by the encounter. He instinctively checked his pockets, feeling for the lump that was his wallet. His stomach dropped when the lump was gone. He tried to look down the street again, hoping to catch of glimpse of the thief, but he was long gone. "Fuck!" He punched the wall, grabbing it instantly as a surge of excruciating pain went up his arm, hitting his elbow. He held onto his arm protectively, moving further away from the busy street. He stumbled down a darken alleyway, collapsing near a dumpster. He was so exhausted, not caring that he managed to sit in a puddle of water. He just needed to rest. He shook his head, images of the trench coat flashing past his eyes, the white hot pain that still throbbed in his arm and the tearful expression of pain that crossed Catlin's face. He trembled from head to toe, the cool winds from the North making the hot June evening far more chilling. He wrapped his arms around his chest, rocking on his bottom, trying to calm his shakes. What was he going to do? He couldn't concentrate with his thoughts fogged over with other distractions and interruptions, the longing to be near Ashley and the cold reality that she needed an ocean to separate them. He didn't have any friends, no one that was willing to go out and find him. He couldn't go home, even if he wanted to. He managed to alienate anyone that give a damn about him by simply being himself, regardless if he was on his medication or not.

_This machine will not communicate  
These thoughts and the strain I am under_

Almost like a jolt rushing through him, a lyric popped into his head, causing his hands to drift to his six strings. "_Pain crushing you like a freight train... Drifting like a wind, like a slow drain..._" He played with the chord for a few minutes, hearing a few wolf whistles from the street, doing his best to ignore them and concentrate. He muttered to himself, hoping to keep the lyric in his head before the round of disruptive images plagued his mind.

* * *

Jason pulled onto the side of the main street, looking over at his passenger. "Here we are, milady. You sure you don't need me to accompany you?"

Ellie nodded, feeling grateful. "No, put I might need a ride back. Do you have a cellphone I can reach you?"

Jason smirked. "If this was all a clever way of getting my number..." He moved the divider in the seat, scooting closer to her. "There's far more easier ways than showing your gratitude."

Ellie scoffed. "Do you have to be such a sleaze?" She opened the door, before he halted her. "What?"

"Look, I play around, but it's late, after nine o'clock at night. It's not the safest place in the world for a pretty girl like you walking around unaccompanied. Are you sure you don't want me around?"

Ellie shook her head. "I just need a ride. I need to do this on my own, I'm afraid. If you could--"

"I'll be over at the pub down there when you're finished, alright?" He pointed down the street. "It's about five blocks, so if you need me, I'll be over there."

"Thanks... for everything." She pushed open the door, pulling out a picture as she made her way into the first teen club on the corner. She was blocked by a few rather shady characters standing guard at the entrance. "Um, excuse me?"

One prickly haired one looked her up and down quickly, getting closer. "What can I do for you?" He seemed do be digging in his pockets, looking for something.

Ellie tensed up. "I just want to get into the club, thanks." She stepped around him, trying to get to the door when another one blocked the door. "Look, I'm not trying to--"

"Want to help your party experience?" He pulled out a few joints and a small bag of pills. "I can give you a special..." He reached out to touch Ellie's face when Ellie grabbed his hand, twisting it in midair.

"Try to touch me again and I'll do the same thing to your Johnson." She shoved him out of her way, gaining entry into the place. After sweeping the front, seeing teen girls dressed in clothes that barely covered over their private parts, she lifted herself on one of the tables. "Excuse me!" She hollered over the speakers, gaining the attention of a few rude patrons, shouts of protest coming for all directions. "Hey, shut the hell up!" After causing more of a distraction, she cleared her throat. "I'm looking for someone. He's lost and his family is looking for him." She saw a few less than concerned expressions through the crowd, ignoring them as she passed around the picture she had brought with her of her, Craig and Ashley. "His name is Craig Manning and he's seventeen years old. If any of you have seen him tonight, if would be a great help if you could point me in the right direction." She waited until she got the picture, nothing turning up. She rushed out of the place, moving onto the next club a few blocks away.

_Be a world child, form a circle  
Before we all go under  
And fade out again and fade out again_

* * *

Craig drifted in and out of sleep, not sure how long he had been sitting in the alleyway. He knew it was getting later, the temperature dropping over the time he had been there even more so. He needed shelter and needed it soon. He tried to recover the lyrics he had made out of thin air, frustrated that he lost them in his subconscious. He banged on the dumpster, hearing some rattling from within. Not a moment later, a pair rats scrambled out of it, causing Craig to jump up as they raced down the path.

"I need to get out of here..." He felt a weight of nausea hit him, built-up fatigue as he grabbed his head. He leaned against the wall again, not sure if moving was the best decision. He felt as if he had been bludgeoned at the head, dizzy spells occurring more frequently. He thought briefly that this might be a side affect to the lack of medication, but it only hurt the more he tried to think. He hit himself in the head, not knowing any other way to release his frustration. He needed to fix his head. He needed to remember his song. He needed to not feel sick so he could get help. He needed help. He needed someone. He needed anyone. He needed... Without warning, he began to sob uncontrollably, shakes rolling over like waves.

_Cracked eggs, dead birds  
Scream as they fight for life  
I can feel death, can see it's beady eyes _

* * *

Ellie rushed into the next club, seeing more of the same, slightly disappointed in the lack of imagination in the district. Standing on the bar, she grabbed a few patrons attention immediately. "Hey! Over here!" She watched others turn, satisfied. "Has anyone seen this guy? I need to find him. He's runaway from home and he needs to be found. If anyone has seen him or know where I can, it would be really great--"

"I just saw this kid." Someone from the back walked toward Ellie, carrying the picture. "Yeah, I saw him a few blocks north of here. I recognized the guitar." He nodded again. "I thought he was homeless the way he looked, but he had that sweet guitar, so I thought he might have just passed out."

Ellie snatched the picture back, shaking the kid's hand. "Thanks a lot." She ran out of the place, picking up speed as she headed in the direction he pointed. Images raced through her mind, the state Craig might be in, the shape he might look. "_I thought he was homeless the way he looked_..." Her stomach churned with anxious tension as she rounded the next corner, stopping short when she stumbled across a darkened alleyway. She walked slower until she noticed a pair of legs poking out on the other side of a dumpster. "Craig?" She reached him, seeing him slumped over his guitar, looking far worse than she had imagined. She stooped down closer, reaching out to him. "Craig?"

_All these things into position  
All these things we'll one day swallow whole  
And fade out again and fade out again_

Craig twitched violently, causing Ellie to fall back on the ground. He looked around, finding her on the ground. "Ellie! How did you get down there?"

"You knocked me over." She stood up, wiping off the back of her jeans. She looked down again, watching Craig as he turned around disoriented. A pang in her chest throbbed as she witnessed the sight. "Do you know where you are?"

"I'm with you, silly." He chuckled, rubbing his head. He tensed up, remembering his hand was sour. "Ow."

Ellie reached out, taking his hand. "What happened?"

"Got upset." He shrugged, as he tried to stand. He swayed slightly, grabbing onto Ellie for support. "When did you get here?"

"Just now. I went to come find you." She decided talking in calm tones was the only way getting him out of this alleyway. "Come on, we're gonna get out of here."

Suddenly, Craig wrenched his grip away from Ellie, backing away. "No! You're gonna take me back there... I don't want to go back there!"

Ellie froze, seeing him crumble back into a ball on the ground. "But you like Joey... he's good to you..."

Craig shook his head. "NO! I hit him... like my Dad hit me... I'm not good, Ellie. I'm messed up... I'm no good... I'm a bad boy..."

Ellie never saw him this departed, finding it too much. She tried to comfort him, wrapping an arm around him. "No, you're good, Craig... you're just sick."

Craig pulled away. "What do you know about anything?!You don't know anything about me!" He hitched up his guitar strap, walking further away. "Leave me alone."

Ellie caught up to him, halting him. "No. I can't leave you alone. You need help, Craig." She blocked him from walking around her, grabbing his hand. "I want to help you, but you have to let me, okay?"

"Why do you care? It's not like we're friends." He snatched his hand back, moving around her again.

Ellie stopped him again, pushing him back. "We _are_ friends. And I'm trying to help you here. I know we don't get along well, but I want to help you."

"Why?"

"Because..." She had to admit, she hadn't quite figured out why she wanted to help him as much as she wanted to. She knew she couldn't tell him it was because Ashley had asked her. It was beyond that. Seeing him in the alleyway, looking defenseless and alone, a part of her was awakened and disturbed. She needed to help him, if only to know that she could. "I want to."

_Immerse your soul in love._

Craig scoffed. "I'm not an idiot."

"No one said you were." She crossed her arms, wanting to desperately leave this cold place and find Jason to take Craig home. "You have to believe that people want to help you."

"But why you? You have nothing to gain from this... I'm nothing to you." He looked away, the weight of his statement hitting home. Ellie knew for a long time, he felt that way. She had felt the same way in her own home. It was than when he turned to her, as vulnerable as she ever saw him that she saw what she was sure Ashley saw the first time she looked into his eyes. She wanted to extract that sense of abandonment from him, replace it with her own companionship.

"You're not nothing to me. And I can gain a friend... if you want one." She reached out to him, taking his hand. "Ashley's gone. I know it sucks, but that's just it. She left us both. But we have to stick together."

Craig looked up from the joined hands. "You want to be my friend?"

"Yes." She hadn't been surer of anything more in a long time. She pulled him away from the dumpster, away from the lone streetlight and away from the scum that resided there. When they reached the end of the alleyway, on the busy street again, she grabbed a tighter hold onto him. "Come on. We're going home."

Craig looked apprehensive. "Joey hates me. He doesn't want me back."

Ellie shrugged as they crossed the street toward the bar that Jason was at. "You never know until we get there." She pulled him closer, feeling slight butterflies in her stomach when he reciprocated the gesture with his hand holding to her tighter. She knew he needed her in that moment, but she also felt she needed him too.

_Immerse your soul in love._

* * *

_More will be updated much sooner, promise! --- MrsBigTuna_


	8. How to Disappear Completely

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. It depresses me too.**_

_A/N: Next up, this installment is one of two during that coveted summer between Season 4 and 5. Also, this is one of my all-time favorite songs by Radiohead. It's flawless. And don't forget to check out my profile for the link to the playlist. Again, read, review and enjoy!_

* * *

"**How to Disappear Completely"; Kid A**

Craig Manning was walking along the side of his house, watching as the sky turned a shade of dusky pink. He felt the sweat trickle from his brow, waiting for the heat to finally take him out of his misery. It had been especially hot that day, everyone withering under the merciless sun, trying to find refuge inside their homes. It only seemed to get hotter as the sun went down. He tried to stay outside, only after Angie got sick from the heat and Joey told him to go for a walk while he tended to his sister. So on this evening, he found himself wondering through the backyard when he caught a flicker of red in the corner of his eye. He turned, seeing Ellie Nash walking through the alley.

He ran over to her, quietly coming behind her. "Boo!"

Ellie jumped clear into the air, spinning around and slapping Craig on his arm. "Ass!" She hit him again repeatedly until Craig begged her to stop. "Why would you do that?"

Craig straightened his shirt. "Why are you walking in an alley at 7:30 at night. Are you trying to get attacked?"

"Apparently if the mean streets of Toronto are filled with scumbags like you, I should be more fast with my mace." She shrugged him off after he laughed some more. "What are you doing out anyway?"

Craig pulled a leaf off a tree, twirling it in his hands. "I was just walking around the backyard. Angie got sick and Joey kicked me out."

"Sucks to be you." Ellie continued to walk while Craig walked alongside her. She smirked slightly as they eventually walked in the same stride.

Craig paused. "Wait a minute. Why are you out and about in an alley? You never answered the question."

Ellie chuckled. "I don't know. Too many people were walking on the sidewalk. You know, with everybody bumping into each other. It's too hot to walk around, touching people."

Craig rolled his eyes. "Said the girl wearing a black long-sleeved tee." He chuckled, throwing the leaf down. "Hey, I have a bright idea."

"I guess there _is_ a first time for everything." Ellie snorted while Craig scoffed. "And if you are suggesting that I wear less clothing, I'll have to side with you being one of those scumbags."

Craig chuckled. "Please, Nash. If I wanted to see you with less clothes on, I wouldn't try to do it in a back alley. You have to give me more credit than that."

"I suppose." Ellie continued to walk as a comfortable silence fell on them both. "So... what was your bright idea."

Craig shook his head. "It's stupid. Never mind."

"I'm pretty sure it's not stupid." She paused as they reached the end of the street. "Besides, we're supposed to get away with doing a few stupid stuff during the summer. It's what we kids do."

Craig chuckled. "Fine. I was just thinking we could down by the lake and take a swim. But I'm sure everybody's down there with a day like this."

Ellie smirked. "But it's after seven, mostly everyone is probably heading home. And I'm pretty sure no one is by that cove over there by that stream."

"Oh yeah. I went there once." His smile faltered. "But isn't it kinda dangerous over there?"

Ellie smirked. "Is Craig scared of a little water?" She chuckled when Craig lunged at her, tickling her sides. "Okay, okay! Sorry." She pushed Craig aside as they leaned against an adjacent fence. "So, you wanna go?"

_That there  
That's not me  
I go  
Where I please_

Craig grabbed her hand. "Come on. If we hurry up, we can stay there longer."

* * *

They ran to the end of the next street, heading toward the wooded area by the ravine. As expected, most everyone was already gone or heading toward the ravine where most high schoolers hung out. Craig spotted Jimmy Brooks and Paige Michalchuk along with Marco Del Rossi and Hazel Aden. Ellie headed toward that way when Craig pulled her back. "I don't feel like hanging with them."

Ellie looked confused. "Why?"

Craig shrugged. "I just wanna hang out with you. Is that a problem?"

A swarm of live butterflies erupted in her stomach, making her feel slightly lightheaded. She hated that he had this effect on her, how he could just smile or something as simple as wanting her company could turn her from her usual collected self into one of those mindless flackies she despised at school. Damn you, Craig Manning. "No. I think we can go over there to the cove."

Craig nodded as he led her over to a group of trees, resting in front of the opening of the cove. Craig stripped off his shirt, discarding it as he started to take off his jeans. "C'mon... while the water still cool."

Ellie blushed as she stripped off her shirt, revealing a white undershirt over her bra. She felt her chest redden as she watched Craig jump into the water, disappearing under its surface. She stripped off her jeans, feeling more nude than she ever did in Physical Education and more exposed than she did in group. She slowly walked into the water, feeling herself cool down after a day long marathon of heat.

"Feels amazing, doesn't it?" Craig was lying on his back, his curls surrounding his head. "This was the best idea ever."

Ellie chuckled. "Yeah. It feels wonderful." She felt her legs leave the ground, trying to stay afloat. A few goosebumps trickled up her arm as she looked at the darken shades of the sky above. "It's getting darker."

Craig eyed Ellie incredulously. "Are you afraid of the dark or something?"

Ellie stiffened up slightly. "No, just... I just want you to be aware."

"I'm in water, Ellie. I'm not blind. And besides, the mosquitoes can't get us if we're in the water." He slowly drifted away from Ellie. "C'mon, lay on your back."

Ellie did as she was told, feeling her legs gracefully rise to the surface. She tried to ignore the slight churn of her stomach as she let her guard down when she felt Craig aside her, his hands on her back. "What are you doing?"

"Carrying you. Well, sorta." He continued to get closer. "It's like you're levitating or something. Like Houdini."

Ellie snorted. "Cool." She closed her eyes, finding herself nestled in the water like a cocoon, gently being cradled.

Craig watched Ellie as she produced a smile on her face. She looked so serene under the trees, in the water as if she could go to sleep right there in his arms. For a fleeting moment, the thought of her going to sleep in his arms seemed irresistible. "You look peaceful."

Ellie smiled. "I feel as light as a feather, like I'm invisible. Like I'm floating on air."

Craig looked at her smile, wanting desperately to touch it. "You are."

_  
I walk through walls  
I float down the Liffey  
I'm not here _

* * *

Ellie sighed pleasantly. "I wanna stay like this forever." She let Craig continue to carry her, reveling in his touch. She never let others touch her, not really. There was always the occasion hug from Marco or a high five from Jimmy or Craig, but with physical contact, she really didn't explore since her time with Sean, which had went south. The truth was she could only imagine Craig touching her. He knew her better than any of her other friends. Marco had always been her ally among the popular kids, but Craig knew the one thing she could never explain to Marco, the feeling of inadequacy. She never felt like she was enough to keep around. She wasn't pretty enough to keep Sean. She wasn't persistent enough to keep her mother sober and she wasn't strong enough to keep from not cutting. But it was only with Craig when she felt that maybe she could be all those things and more. "Is that alright?" She chuckled as Craig smiled above her.

Craig continued to carry her, finding it somewhat romantic. He looked down her slender shoulders, seeing the fading scars from her past. How he wished he could take back every infliction and put them on himself. He hated what they did to her, make her bleed and cry, destroying the perfect skin that covered her. He knew what it felt like to hurt himself and he knew that he had fallen victim to the temptations a few times, but he would take any pain that life would give him to shield her from any of it. She had been his ally in group, allowing him to rant about whatever problem presented itself through the day or simply giving him the wisdom that seemed to seep through her like the water they were surrounded by. She gave him hope that he could be better, but the truth was, she made him want to be better. "It's fine with me."

_This isn't happening  
I'm not here  
I'm not here _

There fell a silence, lulling over them as they both seemed to disappear under the now prominent stars in the summer sky. The only thing that never seemed to fade was the red of Ellie's hair. He wrapped a strand of her hair around his finger, noticing no change at all. "Are you asleep?"

"Not yet. But I'm considering moving in." She chuckled as Craig scooped her up. "Craig!"

Craig laughed as he took her to other side of the cove, closer to land. "Sorry... you were starting to get heavy. I need a break."

Ellie pouted slightly. "Fine. But I'm gonna swim some more." She turned back around, diving into the depths of the pool. She opened her eyes, seeing it was a bit more murky in its depths, but she could make out Craig's pale legs under the starry sky. She thought about pulling him under, making him carry her, if only to feel him close to her again, but she felt like she needed the distance. He was still technically with Ashley, her supposed best friend who took off to London on their final summer together in high school, abandoning her boyfriend when he needed her the most. She tried not to think about Ashley that much these days, mostly due to the fact that she could pretend that she meant more to Craig than Ashley did. She always knew how he felt for her and she was aware of the feelings that Ashley held for him, but as each day past, she couldn't ignore the growing urge to be near him always.

Craig slowly drifted back into the water, trying to find Ellie when he saw her red hair as bright as day in the murky waters. He smiled softly to himself. "There she is." He watched as she swam further away from him, following her. And she she broke the surface, he was right behind. "Boo!"

Ellie spun around again, slapping him on his shoulder. "Damn it, Craig! Stop being an ass."

"Never." He pushed her back into the water, diving in behind her. They kicked and wiggled in the water, creating a slippery dance in the aquatic wonderland. When he drew closer, she seemed to back away and when she swam near him, he went into the other direction. Their lungs finally ached for oxygen, sending them both back into the atmosphere. "You're a good swimmer."

Ellie shrugged. "It's one of those things I just kind of got." She splashed him playfully. "The water calms me."

"Good to know." He splashed her back, sending a smile on her face. How did he love to make her smile. He stared at her for a moment, mentally snapping a picture of her face. He knew it wouldn't last long, they were usually fleeting, but while the moment lasted, he took in the pride that came with making Ellie Nash smile.

_In a little while  
I'll be gone  
The moment's already passed  
Yeah it's gone  
And I'm not here  
This isn't happening  
I'm not here  
I'm not here _

Ellie snorted. "You okay, you look dopey."

Craig ran a hand through his hair. "Thanks." He looked up at the sky again, seeing the moon. "It's getting late. We better get going."

Ellie putted again. "But I don't want to. It's just now feeling normal outside." She swam a little further from Craig when he took her hand.

"Yeah, but I don't want Joey having a shit if I don't at least call him." He swam back to shore, digging out his cell from his pocket.

Ellie looked up at the sky again, wishing she could disappear in the dark, not being able to go back to the world. In this little cove, her and Craig could just be, not having to live up to others' expectations or feel small. They could hide away here, vanish and pretend that all the pain they ever felt, all the abuse they ever endured and all the fail they might have had never happened. They could just be together. But as she watched Craig putting his shirt back on, she knew that playtime was over. She walked back toward him. "You have to go home?"

Crag nodded. "Yeah. Joey said he needed me home soon." He smirked some. "But he didn't say _how_ soon."

Ellie chuckled. "Ah, semantics. Gotta love them." She plopped next to him in the dirt, putting her toes in a muddy clay. "Thanks for this."

"For what?" Craig smirked as Ellie nudged him. "You're welcome." He nudged him back when they continued to nudge each other back and forth, sending Ellie into a giggling frenzy. Craig laughed out loud. "Did you just giggle?"

Ellie pushed him away as he fell on top of her. "Get off of me."

Craig leaned over her. "You know you like it." He smirked slightly when he saw Ellie blush underneath him. Without thinking, he kissed her gently on her lips. It was brief, but the heat that followed seemed to lull in the air for a great time after. Craig sat up, looking back at the water. "I'm sorry."

Ellie sat up as well, leaning her head on Craig's shoulder. "Don't be." She moved it as she watched Craig turn to face her. She pressed her forehead against his, feeling him bring his hand to her face. He softly stroked her cheek, sending a new round of goosebumps up her arms.

Craig chuckled. "You're shaking."

Ellie nodded. "I know." They stayed like that for a while, not saying anything as they leaned against each other, transferring thoughts that couldn't be spoken. "Craig?"

Craig didn't move. "Yeah?"

Ellie sighed. "You're so..." She couldn't find a word to describe Craig Manning. She loved him more than she had ever loved any guy before. She loved Marco, who was the best friend she ever had and she believed she loved Sean, but none of those loves seemed to compare to the adoration she held for Craig.

Craig looked up at Ellie, letting his mouth work without reason. "So are you."

As Craig leaned closer to Ellie, a bright light came through the trees. "Who's over there?!"

Ellie and Craig turned toward the voice, seeing that two police officers were by the top of the hill, leading down to the cove. Ellie grabbed her jeans, stuffing her legs into them as Craig grabbed her shirt and their shoes. "C'mon!"

_Strobe lights and blown speakers  
Fireworks and hurricanes _

Ellie took his hand and they ran through the trees, going the long way back to the ravine, fielding large branches and leaves in every direction, trying not to fall over or drop anything. Ellie felt herself gain steam, not wanting to stop running. She thought they could just keep running, running away from their problems, away from their pain and just fade away.

When they finally reached the end of the ravine, near where they came in, Craig noticed that the cops were never following them. He was still holding Ellie's hand, giving it a small squeeze. "Hey."

Ellie chuckled. "Hey." A sharp breeze came through the trees where they stood. "It's getting colder."

"Yeah." He handed Ellie her shirt. "This might help." He watched Ellie put it on, noticing a patch of her stomach peeking through. "Better?"

Ellie nodded. "Much. Thanks." She tucked her hair behind her ear, feeling the awkward silence take hold of them. "Craig?"

"Yeah?" He looked down as she struggled to say what she wanted to say by the cove. He didn't like thinking about being awkward with her, he enjoyed the freedom he had when he was with her far too much. She was like one of the guys. She was funny, smart, fun to be around when she wasn't being distant. But she was so pretty. He didn't know where he and Ashley stood, and he hadn't thought about her properly in weeks. She left him and he knew that it would end eventually, but as he stood there, seeing one of the most beautiful girls he ever been close to, he took the moment to kiss her again.

Ellie was caught off guard with the kiss, stiffening slightly. But as Craig seemed to move away, she gradually brought her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. All her thoughts seemed to tell her this wasn't real, that she couldn't possibly be kissing Craig, her biggest crush and the one guy that seemed to see through her blocks and shields. She couldn't hide from him and as the kiss deepened, only halting for the brief intake of air, did she feel herself fading into him, wanting to never part.

_I'm not here  
This isn't happening_

Craig finally pulled away from her, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I've wanted to do that for a while."

"Me too." Ellie allowed her skin to ablaze as they drew closer. She leaned her head on his chest, sighing. "You're so awesome."

Craig snorted. "That's what you were trying to say?" He grabbed his stomach as he laughed harder.

"Shut up." She nudged him in his side, sending him to the ground. She fell on top of him as he tickled her wildly. "Stop!"

They both sighed contently, Craig bringing his hand to her face. "You're awesome too, Nash." He laid back, seeing the stars above, feeling Ellie beside him. "Close your eyes."

Ellie did as she was told. "Why?"

Craig shrugged. "Because we can." He closed his eyes as well, letting sleep take him over. He was aware that he might get a ten-minute lecture from Joey and he was sure he would get sick being out all night, but he was with Ellie. He kissed Ellie. He was holding Ellie and nothing seemed more natural than that.

Ellie snuggled closer to Craig, finding the warmth that he held like a gentle breeze taking her home. But as she had come to realize, she already was. "Okay."

_I'm not here  
I'm not here_

* * *

_If only they ended up that way... heh. Another chapter up soon, kids! --- MrsBigTuna _


	9. Sail to the Moon

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or Radiohead. And neither do you!**_

_A/N: This is actually a two-parter. This one is during, "That Summer", the other is taken a few years later. And be sure to head over to my profile page for the latest song. As always, read, review and enjoy!_

* * *

"**Sail to the Moon"; Hail to the Thief**

"We're gonna fall off this thing, you do realize that?" Ellie looked down, feeling her knees wobble as she made another inch across.

Craig chuckled. "You act all tough, but you're such a wuss." He chuckled when Ellie gave him the one finger salute. "Nice, Nash."

"You tease me about being afraid of heights and than you make me get on your roof. What kind of sicko are you?" She shook her head as she stumbled slightly while Craig laid out a blanket.

"Stop being so dramatic, Elle. Besides, you're gonna be stoked when you see the star shower in about an hour." He patted a space next to him, giving her a small smile reserved only for her.

Ellie blushed slightly, forgetting that she was three stories above the ground. She eased her way down, close enough to feel the warmth that radiated off of his body. "You have another blanket?"

Craig frowned. "You don't wanna share one with me?"

Ellie blushed again. "Um... no, I want to. I mean, I'm fine with sharing a blanket with you, it's just--"

"Spit it out, already!" Craig crossed his arms, seemingly annoyed.

"I, uh, I was just kinda cold, is all. Sorry." She laid back on the blanket, mentally kicking herself. "I didn't--" She stopped when she saw Craig lay a fluffy blanket over her.

He shrugged. "I stole it from Angie. I figured you might need one to cover you since you're so skinny and frail." He leaned back dramatically. "You might catch a chill." He snorted when Ellie punched him in the arm. "And sensitive too, I see."

"Bite your tongue, Manning." She nudged him again, thoroughly enjoying their solitary time on his roof, away from counselors and teachers. Away from schoolmates and parents. Just them and the stars.

They both laughed when Craig turned to look at her. She looked different in this light. He hardly ever saw Ellie at night, mostly due to their curfews, but he liked the way he hair seemed to dance in the wind like flames. "Hey."

Ellie turned, smiling brightly. "Am I hogging all the blanket or something? Because if I am, too bad." She pulled the blanker closer to her. "Besides, you'd look really girly with this extremely pink blanket." She snorted when she saw the serious expression materialize on Craig's face. "What's wrong?"

"You ever think about the future?" He looked up at the sky, as if he was trying to figure out how to put his thought into words. "I mean like... do you see what your future might be like?"

Ellie looked up at the sky, tracing the few constellations she could make out. She could barely see the Sagittarius. "Yeah. I mean, I think about where I'll be going to school next year... if I'll be able to be near friends and family." She looked over at him, watching him look at the stars. "If things will be different than they are now." She silently pleaded that he got what she was saying, how she was more and more attracted to him with each passing day and hoping that they could be more. Not now, but someday. She loved what they had already, the friendship that seemed to grow throughout that summer and how she had began to fall for him, hard.

Craig nodded. "I think about me getting worse. You know, if the medication stops working or something and I freak out all over again." He turned to Ellie, frowning slightly. "I think that I'll mess things up again and lose my friends. I want to go to school and stuff, but I guess I feel like if something happens, I'll just be a failure."

Ellie shook her head. "You won't lose your friends. We care about you." She closed her eyes briefly, biting her lip. "I--"

"Hey, Elle. It's starting!" He pointed up toward the east, as several shooting stars fell from the sky. "Isn't it awesome?" He looked back at Ellie briefly before looking up at the sky again.

Ellie sat up, nodding. "Yeah, it's awesome alright." She scooted closer to him, trying to feel his warmth when Craig noticed.

"You cold?" He wrapped the pink blanket around her, rubbing her arms. "That better?"

Ellie blushed at his touch. "Yeah, much better." She leaned on his shoulder, smiling when he stayed close to her.

Craig laid his head on top of hers, tickling her neck with his breath. "Hey, Nash?"

Ellie tried to keep her voice leveled. "Yeah?"

Craig chuckled. "If it made you smile, I'd lasso you the moon. Pull it right down to you."

_I sucked the moon_

Ellie smiled, letting the small sentiment drift into the atmosphere. "Why?"

Craig shrugged. "Just because I could." He looked up at the stars falling, closing his eyes briefly. "Make a wish."

_I spoke too soon_

Ellie closed her eyes, making a silent plea. She wanted to be more with Craig, more than anything. She longed for him to look at her all those countless times he gave the numerous girls at school, only hoping she could ever be enough. "Did you make one?"

Craig chuckled. "Nice try, Nash. But my lips are sealed." He chuckled, thinking about his own wish. He wanted Ellie to be happier, feeling that over the months, they had grown closer and her friendship was so vital to him. He wanted to always be close to her like this, but he wanted her happier more. "What about you?"

Ellie turned away from the sky for a moment, smirking. "If you're not telling, neither am I." She nudged him again. "You shouldn't be afraid of that though."

Craig snapped out of his reverie. "Huh?"

Ellie rolled her eyes. "About losing your friends... about losing me."

_And how much did it cost?_

Craig smiled. "I know. You guys are awesome. I mean Jimmy and Marco... you. You're the best people I could ever know." He pulled the blanket tighter around Ellie, rubbing her arm. "I couldn't imagine this summer without you in it." He shrugged. "You're my best friend."

Ellie blushed, looking up the shower again. It was significantly less that it was several minutes before, but just as captivating. She closed her eyes again briefly to make another silent wish. She never wanted anything as much as she wanted to be with Craig. She felt terrible that she was so interested in her best friend's ex-boyfriend, confiding in Marco when she could, but when moments like than, when Craig was beside and the whole world seemed to disappear, it was only than that the guilt faded away.

_I was dropped from moonbeams_

"It's ending. Bummer." Craig frowned slightly, looking over at Ellie. He smiled as he saw her closing her eyes again. "Still got a few more wishes in ya, eh?"

Ellie blinked, blushing. "Oh, um... you know. If you do it, do it all the way, right?"

Craig chuckled. "Yeah, right." He laid back, looking up at the remaining stars, creating his own pictures in his head, taking him away from his troubles.

_And sailed on shooting stars_

Ellie looked over at Craig, leaning back alongside him. She moved slightly, feeling her stomach tense up. She had forgotten that she was so high up, slightly shaken by the distance from herself and the ground. She became lightheaded, until Craig brushed past her, touching her hand gently. She breathed slower, gaining some of her consciousness, seemingly relieved. She sat up again, sighing. "I sometimes worry that I'll never be a great journalist. That I'll be just... mediocre." She figured he had been open with her, abandoning the boundaries they usually put up to avoid awkwardness, she would share something personal as well.

Craig turned to her, seeing her face fall. She looked so vulnerable, so small compared to the larger-than-life, conquer-the-world persona she had always seemed to hold. Even among the freaks in group, she seemed far superior. "You couldn't be mediocre if you tried."

_Maybe you'll  
Be president _

Ellie chuckled. "But I feel ordinary. I mean, I worked for the Grapevine since forever, but I never felt that I really made a difference, changed someone's life."

Craig shrugged. "You worked for Caitlin and she always told Joey how smart she thought you were. She said you have plenty of potential."

Ellie rolled her eyes, chuckling. "I know, but it's just... I read my stuff and I feel like it has no depth. It's just some high school kid trying to sound better than who they are. It's pathetic."

Craig nudged her slightly. "Would you stop beating yourself up, Nash? First of all, you _are_ a high school kid. Second of all, so what if you try to use big words and actually seem like you know what you're talking about. Everybody does the same thing. And lastly, you are wrong."

Confused, Ellie probed. "About what?"

"Changing someone's life..." Craig blushed slightly. "You changed mine."

_But know right from wrong  
Or in the flood _

Ellie tried to hide the smile that washed across her face. "Um... really?"

Craig shrugged. "Oh yeah, sure. That piece about the cafeteria debacle between the two lunch ladies and the janitor was top notch. I'm way more aware of where my food comes from and goes."

Ellie punched him in the arm, rolling her eyes. "You are such an ass." She punched him again, when Craig grabbed her arms, tickling her stomach before falling on top of her. Ellie looked up, seeing the closeness between them. She had wanted him to kiss her than, just once. She had thought about how it would feel, how it would feel for him to hold her, just once. But the fear and the guilt took form, making her push him off of her. "Way to pounce, Manning."

Craig pulled away, slightly bruised by her comment. He thought of kissing her than, for a moment, just to see how she would react. He had thought about it sometimes, but at that moment, the idea seemed to stay, not like the other few times that it would occur, fading away almost instantly. He chuckled. "Hope you don't think I'm a creep or something?"

_You'll build an Ark  
And sail us to the moon_

Ellie started to fold up her blanket, seeing that it was getting later. She smirked. "I've always thought of you that way." She stood up, backing away toward the ladder. She watched as Craig inched closer to her, shaking his head. "Don't you dare, Craig. If I fall, it'll look like homicide."

Craig nodded. "I suppose so. And I'm really not in the mood to clean up that mess."

"Nice. We'll if I ever need to clean up a murder scene, I'll be sure to not call you." Ellie climbed down the ladder slowly, still shaken from the height. She watched as Craig climbed down after her, both on solid ground again. "Don't ever make me go up there again."

Craig took the pink blanket from her, wrapping the other arm around her. "Deal, Nash." They both chuckled as they walked around the house. "Want me to walk you home?"

Ellie bit her lip, trying to still her nerves. "Sure."

As they walked down the quiet street, a few cars passing, Craig looked down at Ellie again. He wanted her happy so much, and he hoped that tonight made her so. But a small part of him that seemed to grow hoped that he would be the only one to ever make her happy.

Ellie turned around, walking backwards. "Whatcha thinking about?"

Craig shook his head. "Nothing." He looked up at the moon, so vast and intimidating, and looking back at Ellie, who seemed just as intimidating. "Just the future."

_Sail us to the moon  
Sail to the moon_

* * *

_The continuation will be later on! ---MrsBigTuna_


	10. Exit Music For a Film

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. Or do I?**_

_A/N: This is another one of my favorites from this band, just really soulful. This is an AU oneshot set in a strange Season 5 where Craig's father is still alive and Manny's not in the picture. _

* * *

"**Exit Music (For a Film)"; OK Computer**

Craig ran off the stage, only gravity keeping him on the ground, the sensation of floating on air could only seem to describe the high he held. The band had nailed the performance, the smiling faces in the crowd had only acknowledged the effort. Surges of kinetic energy drove through him like he were on rails, blasting into the stratosphere, knowing that this was the beginning of everything. He looked over at his friends in the audience, and all he could do was smile in response. He had really done it, he had made it.

Jimmy came over, extending his hand. "Dude, that was amazing." He shook hands with Craig, a quick hug in between. "I mean, the new guitar player isn't better than me, but you did good, kid." He chuckled as Marco nudged him.

"He's right, though. You guys were incredible. I don't even feel bad now about you getting a new band together." He shrugged. "I mean, let's face it. I sucked." All three laughed as the new drummer patted Craig on the back. Marco smirked adding, "Now if you need an accordion on a few tracks, I could--"

"You'll be the first person I'll call, buddy." They all laughed again as Craig looked around to see the most important face of all. "Where's Ellie?"

Marco shrugged. "Don't know. She was right next to me one minute, the next..." He chuckled. "She'll show up." He started talking to the new bassist when Craig was tapped on the shoulder. He turned, hoping to find Ellie, but instead saw his manager, David.

"Hey kiddo. You did great up there. I mean, the crowd love you." He smiled like he was keeping a secret, which only made Craig nervous. "I have some big news." He searched through the crowd. "Everyone gather around." When a circle formed around him, he cleared his throat. "Okay, I have some pretty big new. Well... it's just big, huge even." He paused for dramatic effect, getting a few eye rolls. "The label wants you to be part of the lineup for the next week in Vancouver, maybe even a full roaster of gigs through the entire sumer. A real tour. We leave tomorrow night." He grabbed Craig on the shoulder. "This is really it, fellas."

Craig felt the wind get knocked out of him as everyone bunched up together into a group hug, collectively jumping with joy as the impact of the announcement took shape. They had landed a tour. Their manager has been trying to work with the record label for funding for a tour for months, trying to get the right amount of songs for a proper setlist. Due to lack of funds in recent months, it was scarce unless you had enough endorsements to pull of a large tour. The label's tour was their last chance, with that evening's performance at a showcase, pitting band against band in order to get a slot on the roaster, which would also be accompanied with their sister branch in the States. It was Craig's dream finally taking form. It wasn't until he saw Ellie near th back door, looking lost amongst the roadies that he knew it couldn't be real until he told her. Running to her, nearly out of breath from excitement, he beamed. "Where have you been?"

Ellie shrugged. "I'm here now, right?" She chuckled as she looked him over. "You guys sis great. You were really on tonight." She crossed her arms as Craig proceeded to look her up and down. "What? You're giving me the willies looking at me like that."

Craig snorted as he pulled her off to a more a quiet corner. He smiled down at her a moment before revealing, "We got the tour. We're going on tour starting next week... and even the whole summer."

Ellie threw her arms around Crag, smiling widely. "That's amazing!" She pulled away looking suddenly somber. "The _whole_ summer?" She tried to disguise her disappointment, chuckling instead. "And so the rockstar emerges." She punched him in the arm when he picked her up again. "Put me down!"

Craig dropped her, laughing when she punched him in the arm again. They laughed some more until Craig looked at her wistfully. "Come with me."

_Wake from your sleep,  
the drying of your tears,  
Today we escape, we escape._

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Um... can't. I still have classes and stuff. And..." She trailed off, not knowing what to follow it up with. "You haven't exactly gotten the tour yet, right?"

"Way to be optimistic, Nash." He dropped his shoulders, seemingly sullen for the first time that evening.

"I'm being realistic. And what about your Dad. You know he's not gonna let you drop out of school for this." Ellie laid a supportive hand on his shoulder when he shrugged it off.

"I'm an adult now. I'm eighteen. I can do whatever I want to do with my life and if than means dropping out of school and being a real musician, than fine." He could hear everyone still celebrating up front, unaware of the tension that stood between the two. "Look, I want this. I need this. And if my Dad can't except that, than whatever. It's not about him."

Ellie nodded silently, walking closer to him. They had been treading the thin line between friends and more for the past few months. They both knew how they felt about each other, it just never seemed to blossom, either Craig was caught up in his band or Ellie was too afraid. She leaned into him, feeling his strong arms wrap around her. As the tension seemed to melt away, she looked up at him smiling. "Would you give me some time to think about it?" She boldly planted a timid kiss on his cheek, leaning her head on his chest.

Craig held her closer, nodding. "We leave tomorrow night. But I'll need an answer before the gig next week." He pulled away slightly, kissing her back. "I can't so this without you."

Ellie felt the heat from her face radiate off the lights, trying to mask her blushing. "Okay." She moved in his embrace, both of them nervous of their new frontier.

_Pack and get dressed  
before your father hears us,  
before all hell breaks loose._

* * *

Craig had packed his bags during the day while his father was at work. As he packed, he felt similar to when he was fourteen, packing his belongings to live with his stepfather, Joey. It felt like a lifetime ago, before his father had gotten help, before he could actually look at his father without shuddering. After two years of separation, he had moved back in with his father, having never laid a violent hand to him again. They had their arguments, but Albert Manning had always used his words, never striking his son. It was good to be with his father, but there was still the undercurrent of uncertainty, the ever-present notion that he could hurt him if her was pushed. He knew he was stronger now and could handle himself, but he was still aware that he was his father.

Ellie had been right to worry about his father's reaction. He was never supportive of his aspirations, constantly knocking them down in a pursuit to take his schooling more seriously, trying to persuade him into going away to university that next year. He allowed Craig to do the music if his grades were acceptable, but nothing would steer him from taking time away from school, especially if it meant him not finishing high school. Craig had struggled with the right words, the right argument to have when he announced that he would be leaving school for his dreams. He was petrified of the outcome if it went wrong, real abandonment. He had made his decision, and he wanted his father more than anything to accept it. He looked outside, seeing storm clouds graze over the sky. "Perfect."

_Breathe, keep breathing,  
don't lose your nerve. _

* * *

Ellie had been worried all day during her classes. She had been nearly catatonic, passing through school without a word to anyone. She had been contemplative about Craig's offer, trying to decipher what the best way to turn him down would be. She couldn't just leave school, without the prospect of university, traveling around with a band, leaving her mother behind. It was illogical and nonsensical, yet she couldn't imagine braking his heart. She needed him to know she needed security. She never had much of that growing up, a father being taken from her constantly for the armed forces and a mother that wasn't stable in the least. It was her only way of truly staying sane, the knowledge of being in school next year. It was the middle of the final semester. Summer was three months away. She just needed time, she needed to finish her schooling. She only hoped he'd understand.

Marco materialized beside her in the hall next to her locket. "Where have you been all day?"

Ellie chuckled. "I've seen you in like three times today. What are you talking about?"

Marco scoffed. "You've been elsewhere." He nudge her, sliding down on the floor. She sat next to him, staying silent. "What've you been thinking?"

"Craig." She chuckled as Marco snorted. "I'm serious. He asked me to come with him on his tour."

"Seriously? That's amazing." His smile faded when Ellie gave him a grimace. "No so amazing?"

"Try inconvenient and impractical. I mean, I can't just take off like he can. I don't have a music career. I have to go to university next year. I can't drop out school for him." She leaned back, covering her face. "As much as I might want to." She could her the rain beating on the windows in the classroom nearby, wanting to run out in it, hoping she could fins a resolution. "This sucks."

Marco nodded. "Yup."

_Breathe, keep breathing,  
I can't do this alone._

* * *

Albert walked into the door, dropping his medical bag into the living room chair when he found Craig sitting on the couch. "Hey Craig." He looked around, seeming confused. "I thought you be out. It's Friday night."

Craig shook his head. "Actually Dad... I need to talk to you." He stood up, not sure how to start the conversation.

Albert walked closer, nodding. "Okay, what's going on? He took off his jacket, turning to find a few duffel bags hidden in the corner. "What are those?"

Craig followed his eye line, inwardly kicking himself. "Um... the band got another gig. A huge gig."

Albert rolled his eyes. "Craig, we've discussed this--"

"Dad, hear me out." Craig put some distance between the two of them, aware of his temper, but tried to hold some composure. "Look, the band has been offered the chance of a lifetime, to be featured in a real tour, with real musicians. So many people would kill to be in this situation. I'm only asking to be given the chance."

Albert shook his head. "No. Absolutely not. You can't throw your life away on some random dream, thinking that you'll be some rockstar or whatever. You have a future, and I'll be damned if you try to ruin that with this."

"What makes you think I'm going to be throwing it away? Have you ever considered that this is what I wan to do?! That this _is_ my future!" Craig breathed deeply, ding his best to restrain his temper, tingles running up and down his spine. He could see his father's face redden from aggravation and he knew that one wrong step could send him reeling. "I want this to be my future. I'm an adult now, and this is what I want for my life."

"As long as you live under my roof, you'll abide by my rules." Albert shook his head, pacing in place. "Listen to me, Craig, I'm only going to say this once. You are not going on this tour or whatever if you want to continue calling his your home. I refuse to raise someone who dashes away from their potential." He walked to the wetbar in the corner, pouring himself a glass of scotch. After downing the glass, he looked back at his son. "I care about you, I love you. But this is ridiculous. You can't honestly think I'd allow you to do this, when you're three months shy of graduating and going off to university in the fall. It's ludicrous and it's not happening."

Craig watched as his father took another glass, wanting to break the glass in his hand. "Why can't you let me go?"

Albert sighed exasperatedly. "I already told you--"

"No, not just th tour, but everything. You think you own me, but you don't." Craig chuckled. "You never really owned me. I could walk out that door and you could do nothing about it." He walked closer to his father, smelling the liquor on his breath and finding him slightly less than the intimidating figure he had always been in his youth. "I've done it before."

_Sing us a song,  
a song to keep us warm,  
there's such a chill, such a chill. _

The next few moments happened rather quickly as Craig found himself on the ground, looking up as his father stood over him, preparing to kick him in his stomach. He rolled away, not being able to gain his bearings as he tried to comprehend what had happened. His father had hit him. He felt nauseous, the thought of being stricken and not stopping it made him feel more weak than he had since he was fourteen, hiding in his bedroom or his red room, desperate for the protection that seemed so far away. Having pushed his father over the edge like that made him even weaker. He gained enough strength to sit up, resting against the wall as he watched Albert Manning cover his mouth in horror. "Craig... I'm so sorry... Oh, my God, what have I done?"

"Just stay away from me." Craig pulled himself up, keeping his distance. He heard the storm clouds rumble outside, the raindrops attacking the windows like bullets, increasing as the tension in the room seemed to heighten. He could taste blood on his tongue, wanting to throw something at his father, but finding himself not able to stoop to his level. "I don't care what you think, not anymore. I'm gone." Grabbing his bags swiftly, he past through the foyer and opened the front door. He could hear his father bumping into furniture, trying to reach him before he left, but without looking back, he made his way down the driveway towards his car.

He sat in his car for a few moments, trying to process what had just happened. He had really left home, left his father, again. He was not going to his stepfather's house or Children's Aide. He was going to be on his own, truly for the first time in his life. He quivered at the notion of leaving everything behind, everyone behind for his dreams. He knew that his father could come out any minute, begging hims to reconsider, but he couldn't give in. He needed to do this for himself. He needed to go after his dreams, if only because it's all her had left. Suddenly finding purpose, he hit the accelerator, making his way to the only other thing that was as important as his future.

* * *

_And you can laugh a spineless laugh, _

Ellie looked out he window, tugging at her necklace as the poring rain didn't seem to let up. She hadn't heard from Craig all day and she was beginning to worry, hoping everything had turned alright with his father. She had figured that it might have been a scene, but she needed some reassurance. She reached for her cellphone to send him another text message when she noticed a car pulling in front of her house. Recognizing Craig's Mustang immediately, she sighed with relief as she rushed down the stairs, passing her mother through the kitchen and running into the thunderstorm. She halted when she watched Craig get out of the car with a swollen lip. "What the hell happened?" She walked slowly to him, reaching out tentatively to touch it. "Did he... _hit_ you?" She tried to see his face, but the oncoming rain only made it more difficult. She froze however when his their eyes locked, looking into his frozen blue eyes. "Craig, tell me what happened."

Craig took her hand, pulling her into the car. As they situated themselves, they remained silent. It took a moment for him to face her again. "I left home." He turned again, looking out the window.

"That doesn't explain why he hit you." Ellie pulled on his arm, forcing him to look at her. She noticed the backseat filled with duffel bags and his guitar. He really had left home. "Did you all have an argument? Did you hit him first? Tell me!"

"He hit me because that's all he knows how to do, okay?!" He steamed, grabbing the steering wheel for support. He turned suddenly to Ellie, measuring her up. "Have you made a decision yet?"

_we hope your rules and wisdom choke you _

Ellie inhaled sharply, trying to stagger her breathing. "You told me I had time."

"Look, are you coming or not? I don't have time for your bullshit, alright?" He drummed on the wheel than, determined to keep his temper in check. "So, are you in or out?"

Ellie crossed her arms, leaning further away. "With an attitude like that, I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Look at me, Ellie! I just got punched in the face for following something that might never even work out! I left home, do realize that?!" He grabbed the wheel again, his knuckles turning white as his fingertips were a harsh pink. He exhaled again, noticing Ellie inching closer to the door and realizing he wasn't doing a good job of making her stay. "Look, I'm sorry. Just... a lot of shit went down earlier. I've left my father and I can't go back. University... high school.. I can't look back. He's not going to pay for me if I fail. I know he won't. He's practically disowned me and there's no way in hell I'll go crawling back if I had to." He sighed again, reaching out to take Ellie's hand. As she laid it gently in his, he grasped it. "I need you... I love you, Ellie." He made eye contact again with her and smiled. "None of this would be worth it if you weren't there beside me. So... are you coming?"

Ellie watched the transformation of Craig before her eyes, his silence, his rage and finally the part she loved most about him, his vulnerability. She had wanted to crawl into his arms than and forget about the world outside the four doors surrounding them. She wanted to escape the storm and find the rainbow on the other side. She wanted to be in that moment forever, but as the magic and weight of his words seemed to fade away, only leaving the reality of the situation, Ellie looked at him once again. "I love you so much." She sniffled as she took back her hand, feeling the heat leave almost instantly. "Craig..." A single tear fell from her eye, wiping it hastily. "I can't."

There was a sharp silence, until Craig looked ahead again at the pouring rain, deleting his past. "Get out." It was an order and Ellie knew it was. She knew she had shattered whatever they had by rejecting him. She wanted to yell at him, making her choose than, giving her an ultimatum. It wasn't fair and he should have realized that. She crossed her arms, refusing to leave until he realized what he was asking of her. But he looked at her again, any shred of kindness was stripped from his body as he addressed her like a stranger. "Get out."

Ellie choked back a sob as she pushed open the door. She turned around, slamming the door. "This isn't fair, Craig!" She tried to yell over the rain, but it only seemed to drown her voice, along with any happiness they might have once shared. "You can't make me choose now!" But her effort was pointless as he revved back down the driveway and raced down the street too quickly in the storm. She ran after him, not knowing why. Maybe if she caught him, maybe if he saw her face, maybe if he knew she still cared he might have stopped and reconsidered. But he continued to drive away and after half a block, Ellie stopped, trembling as the rain continued to fall, washing her hope away.

* * *

Craig sped down the street, cursing under his breath at the stunt he had just pulled. "What the fuck am I doing?" He had just left home and now he had thrown away the only relationship he ever held dear to him, a girl that would have stood beside him if he had given her a chance. He knew he wasn't being fair, but he needed to know if she could be there now, when he needed her the most. Asking so much of her in that moment was cruel and he couldn't imagine not being with her a moment longer.

He turned in his seat, trying to find his cellphone. He had misplaced it earlier that day, thinking he had left it in the car. Finding it under his seat, he noticed that his inbox was full, seeing seven new text messages from Ellie. He scrolled through them, each one more panicked than the next. "She really does care." He was driving steadily faster as he approached a bridge. He had tried to make a u-turn, not wanting to cross it, but before he could make a left hand turn, the light turned green. He thought he could turn around the next block over so as he crossed the bridge, the car in front of him seemed to be hydroplaning, causing Craig to hit the brakes. But as he continued to hit them, they didn't seem to stick, making the car swerve, sending him flying and through the barrier into the river.

_And now we are one  
in everlasting peace, _

* * *

Hours had passed, as Ellie paced in her bedroom. She had called Craig twelve times, figuring that once he had cooled off, he would call her in the morning. She looked out the window periodically, hoping for a glimpse of red pulling in her driveway, a small part of her thinking he would just show up. She wanted to tell him that she changed her mind, that she would have said yes, to the tour and to them. She loved him so much and it killed her that he might not think that, thinking that she was too afraid. She wasn't scared, she wanted to take the leap to him. She just needed another to make it right. As she dialed his number for the thirteenth time, she only hoped that he would give it to her.

_we hope that you choke, that you choke,_

It was nightfall. The stars had peaked out behind the dissipating storm clouds as Albert Manning approached the riverbank. It was swarmed with ambulances and police cars. He had even noticed the sheriff deputy's vehicle as he made his way toward the crowd. He didn't know what he expected to see when he moved through, pushing people aside to what lied ahead. His thoughts drifted back to the phone he had gotten only fifteen minutes before. From the tone the police officer who had found Craig's wallet sounded, he knew it was grave. He dealt with death everyday in some way, either at his own hands or the hand of others. He knew that tone, having used it methodically for the past 17 years. But never had he ever wished to be on the receiving end of those words that he had heard before only once and feared to hear them again.

_we hope that you choke, that you choke,_

Albert walked to the nearest officer he could find, seeing a machine craning an object from the water. He recognized the tail fin of Craig's car instantly, feeling his knees weaken. "That's my son's car!" Without warning, he found himself on the ground, no recollection as to how he had moved so quickly. He pulled his knees to his chin, shaking as a few paramedics came rushing to the fallen man. As onlookers whispered the events, Albert felt the need to vomit. He couldn't fin the strength to breathe or think. He couldn't concentrate on the people wrapping him in blanket or trying to attach him with a oxygen tank. He needed to know if his son was alive or dead. "Where's my son?"

A female police officer materialized beside him, taking his shoulder. "Mr. Manning, I'm so sorry, but--" The rest of it faded as Albert seemed to lost track of consciousness. He could hear himself breathing, in and out, in and out, knowing his son couldn't so the same thing. He shook his head, but nothing he could do seemed to change the circumstances. Losing himself to his own sorrow, Albert Manning cried for the first time since his son left him for years ago, only this time, he was never coming back.

_we hope that you choke, that you choke..._

* * *

_And that's it. I know, this was by no means an uplifting oneshot. And it wasn't meant to be, it's not an uplifting song. Don't worry kiddies, I have plenty of Crellie fluff coming._

_More to come. --- MrsBigTuna_


	11. There There

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. This should be clear as I am writing this here. Kinda obvious.**_

_A/N: This is my favorite Radiohead song. I think I might have listened to it thousands of times over the years, never growing tired of it. It's simply the best song ever. I can only hope you find this song and story as enjoyable as I do. This is taken during the episode, "Venus Pt. 1, one of my favorite episodes, if not for all the Crellie cuddling. I also tweaked a few things, to make it more fitting. Yes, I am a fangirl, but only for them. As always, read, review and enjoy!_

* * *

"**There There"; Hail to the Thief**

Storming from the Dot in a huff, he pounded down the pavement, reeling at the scene he had just left. How could have been so blind? How didn't he see this coming? His throat constricted from the built up rage he held for months now, knowing the truth, but struggling to contain it in his safe denial box where he could hide, not having to admit the worst. It wasn't that him and Ashley were breaking up, he had expected for a while, not hearing much from her outside of Ellie's emails. Ellie... out of the all people, the one person he trusted above all over the past summer, lied to his face. He felt sick, wanting to disturb the quiet homes that surrounded him with a fit of anger, anything to distract him from the fact that he felt betrayed, not only by Ellie, but everyone else.

He leaned against a lone building, trying to gain his bearings when he saw a rather drunk person walking aimlessly toward him. He watched, seeing how weak he was, how defenseless, how small he must have felt and saw himself in him. Was he much different from this guy, alone, helpless, disturbed? He wanted to lash out on him, maybe make himself feel more human, more strong than this weakling for from sobriety. "Can you even walk straight?"

_In pitch dark i go walking in your landscape.  
Broken branches trip me as i speak._

The guy turned to him, cracking a smile. "No way, man. Just got pissed. Crazy night, eh?"

Craig spat on the ground, not looking at him. "Yeah, crazy."

"What's eating you?" The man stood next to him, leaning closer to Craig for his liking. "I got some to spare if you want to party."

Craig pushed him away. "Get away, loser." He chuckled as the man toppled over, falling on the ground and rolled in the nearby grass. "Get up!" He chuckled again, watching the drunkard lay helplessly, rolling from side to side. "Come on! Get up!"

"Stop!" Craig turned around, seeing Marco running toward him. "Stop it, Craig!"

"Oh, it's you." He turned away from the man on the ground, walking further away from Marco when he felt Marco pull on his arm. "What?!"

"Hey! Nobody liked knowing Ashley was going to dump you, alright? It's not like we asked to know first." He crossed his arms, blocking the chilly, late evening wind. "She was just nervous."

"Nervous, right. Nervous to freak me out and send me off my pills again, right?" He shrugged Marco off, turning away again. "Just leave me alone."

Marco sighed, turning down the street. Craig watched him as he walked away, tempted to apologize, but he felt he had every right to be upset. The humiliation seemed to saturate every bit of his skin, but nothing seemed to mask the pain of betrayal he felt when he imagined Ellie's face in the restaurant.

_Just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there.  
Just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there._

* * *

Ellie helped Hazel and Paige clear the presents from the table. Paige picked up her gift. "I'll just give him his gift tomorrow at school." She shook it. "I got him a shirt. A decent one from all the heinous monstrosities he considers clothing." She smirked, hoping to get a rise from anyone. "Yeah, not such a fun party."

Ellie shrugged. "I tried to do him something nice. I mean, Ashley--"

"Left him high and dry." Hazel smiled. "It's not your fault, Ellie. You tried."

Spinner came up behind Ellie, wiping down the tabletop. "Hey, um, sorry for letting the cat out of the bag."

Ellie grimaced. "Yeah, bad timing." She chuckled. "It's okay. It was gonna come out anyway and I kinda expected this reaction. Just... thought I would postpone it until _after_ the party."

"Yeah, well. I am sorry." He offered Ellie another smile. "It looked like you guys were having fun while it lasted."

"Yeah, we did. No thanks to you, again. It wouldn't have been as good if we didn't get the prime real estate." She patted him on the shoulder. "See you around." She waved, walking out and finding a spot on the grass across the street. She was hoping to catch a glimpse of Craig, but saw Marco heading in her direction. "How is he?"

"Well he's bashing on the poor, defenseless drunk kid, but he'll be fine." He took a seat next to her, shrugging.

"I feel so terrible." She fidgeted with fingers, making knots.

"It's not your fault okay? Don't worry. I think he kinda saw it coming."

"Than why do I feel so awful?" She wanted this nagging feeling to stop, she hated to be the one to deliver the news, the one to have to tell him that the reunion he had talked about endlessly that summer wouldn't come to be. And the look on his face. She knew that was what angered her most, the pain she caused him.

Marco smirked. "Because you like him."

_There's always a siren  
Singing you to shipwreck.  
(don't reach out, don't reach out)_

Ellie straightened up. "Marco, he's my best friend's boyfriend."

"Yeah, but not anymore." He smiled wider this time, seeing through Ellie's multi-layered defenses.

Ellie sighed. "Well, you are so wrong." She bit back the lie, knowing that it was everything but the truth, but she didn't need to think about her endless daydreams that occurred. Kicking a pebble from under her shoe, she watched the light reflect off the streetlights, knowing she needed to head home soon, but her stomach plagued her previous indiscretion. "I feel like such a fraud."

"Would you stop beating yourself up? It'll blow over, okay. Just... he'll come around."

Ellie looked down the street. "Which way did he go?"

"He went that way, about three blocks." He pushed Ellie slightly, getting her off the curb. "See you later."

_Steer away from these rocks  
We'd be a walking disaster.  
(don't reach out, don't reach out)_

* * *

Ellie smirked, jogging slightly as she went looking for Craig. She stopped four blocks down when she noticed him on a park bench, a few blocks away from his house. Walking slowly, she cleared her throat. "Hey."

Craig looked up, scoffing. "I heard enough from you tonight. Just go away."

Ellie stood there, not knowing what to do. "Look, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have tried to protect you, but--"

"You think I'd go off my meds or something, right? Crazy Craig, right?" He sighed, facing Ellie as she took a tentative seat next to him. "We hung out all summer. You and me. You know I'm better now and have been for a while." He turned away, looking at his sneakers. "I thought you out of all people might have been straight with me about all this."

Ellie felt a lump in her throat again. "I'm sorry. But... you didn't have to be such an ass about it." She crossed her arms, not looking at him as she shook with fury.

Craig turned her to face him. "Hey! I just got dumped, publicly, on my birthday, by _email_. I have every right to be an ass."

"To Ashley... not to me." She continued to shake, knowing she was in the right. "I might have been wrong not to tell you right away, but you didn't have to react that way."

"I was humiliated, alright?" He stood up, frustrated. "I'm supposed to be complete rational all the time now?"

_Just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there.  
(there's someone on your shoulder)_

"No! I'm not saying that. Just..." She could still hear him say, "Screw you" in her head, making her feel ridiculous for being hyper-sensitive. "I didn't want to be the one to tell you. She was trying to find the right moment, the right time. It just sorta came out."

"And you told Spinner before me. Real nice, El." He shook his head. "Just leave me alone."

Ellie stood up, biting her lip. "I get it, okay? I'm a jerk for not telling you sooner. I shouldn't have told Spinner or anyone until I told you. Ashley told me this and I don't want the pressure. She shouldn't have told me, I wish she didn't." She pulled out a small box from her pocket, tossing it in his lap. "Happy Birthday." With that, she turned around, leaving Craig in the darkened park alone.

_Just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there.  
(there's someone on your shoulder)_

* * *

Craig fiddled with the small box for several minutes, fearful to open it. It wasn't like it was going to explode or something, but he could feel the guilt for Ellie and the anger toward Ashley mound. Ripping off the wrapping, he open the box, seeing a silver pick. He turned it over, seeing his initials engraved. "Wow." He loved it immediately, holding it between his fingers. The sudden rush of guilt hit him like a ton of bricks, getting off his seat and jogging from the park.

_There there_..

* * *

Ellie rushed into her bedroom, falling on her bed. She punched her pillow a few times, wishing it was Ashley's face. The evening turned out to be a complete bust. She spent a week's allowance on all the decorations, even splurging on a cake for him and now she sat here on her bed, anger and open. She still couldn't believe Marco pegged her crush on Craig, even her dashed attempt of denial hadn't worked. She hated she felt the eager green monster, jumping around in her chest whenever he would mention Ashley and it would subside, doing cartwheels the few moments she would get a hug after group or make him laugh. She felt this jealously she never knew she could possess, making her feel even worse about that evening's events.

_Why so green and lonely?_

She changed into her pajamas, the strong urge to make a cup of tea before bed overcame her. Walking downstairs, she noticed her mother. "Hey."

"Hi. How was the party?"

"It could have gone better." She didn't want to spare the details, preferring to pretend the whole fiasco never happened. "I'm just really tired." She walked over the her mother sitting at the table, kissing her on the forehead. "Goodnight."

"Night." Ellie walked back into her bedroom, sitting at her desk as she drummed with a few pens. She had gotten back into it after seeing _This is Spinal Tap_ with Craig a few weeks ago, not having played in years. She tapped on her notebook, wondering if Craig would ever stop being mad at her. She knew he could hold grudges pretty well, even impressing her. She imagined him throwing away the pick she scrapped her last few dollars getting when she saw it in the local music shop yesterday after school. "Oh brother."

* * *

He checked his watch, seeing it was after ten o'clock and knew Ellie was already on her way to bed. He walked down her street, picking up some stones on the way as he neared her house. Getting under her window, he threw a few pebbles at it. After the fifth one, Ellie rushed to it, in her pajamas. She frowned down at him, reaching for the curtain when Craig signaled for her to come down stairs with their secret code. He could see her hesitate before leaving the window.

_Heaven sent you to me._

Craig looked down, waiting for her to appear when she finally did. She stood in the doorway, her arms folded in a power stance. She looked pissed, even more so than earlier that evening. He still couldn't understand why she was so upset. He was the one that got dumped. He sighed as he walked up to the door. "Are you coming out?"

"Why should I? So you can bite my head off again?" She remained in the doorway. "It's late, Craig. I'll talk to you tomorrow at school. Goodnight." She tried to shut the door, when Craig opened the screen door, halting her.

"Wait. I have to talk to you now." He pulled out the box. "About this."

Ellie opened the door wider, walking outside. "Make it quick. My mom's still awake."

"Fine. I just wanted to say..." He lowered his voice. "Sorry."

"What? Didn't catch that?" Ellie smirked despite herself, watching him squirm.

"I'm sorry for overreacting, alright?" He pushed his hands in his pocket. "I don't even know why I have to apologize."

Ellie shrugged. "To clear the air, I guess." She was so exhausted by the whole ordeal, finding herself sitting on her stoop. Craig sat next to her, shaking his head. "What?"

"This isn't the worst birthday I ever had." He chuckled, seeing Ellie's reaction. "Oh yeah, my birthdays are always a barrel of laughs."

Ellie turned on her seat, facing him. "Okay, name another bad one."

Craig closed his eyes for a moment, feigning a thoughtful look. "Okay. Try it being forgotten completely." He saw Ellie twitch slightly. "Yeah, my thirteenth birthday. My Dad had three surgeries that day and didn't get home until 11:30 that night. Of course, I waited up because I knew he would have something cool to make it up, right? Well, he didn't. He didn't even know I was downstairs until he checked my bedroom. He asked me why was I up and I told him that he should know and why was he being weird." He paused, seeing Ellie bite her lip. "He didn't hit me or anything, but he looked sad. I think he honestly forgot. It wasn't that he forgot that hurt so bad, it's just..." He shook his head. "I don't know."

_We are accidents  
Waiting waiting to happen._

Ellie took his hand instinctively, giving it a squeeze. "It's just a birthday, right? Another day of the year. And you'll have another one next year, right?"

"Yeah. I guess." He pulled out the box again out of his pocket. "Thank you. It's awesome, El."

Ellie beamed inside, doing her best to disguise it. "You're welcome." She squeezed his hand again, feeling him squeeze back. They held hands for a while, not saying anything. Before long, she felt a yarn come up her throat, trying to stifle it. "Sorry."

"Yeah, it's late. You'd better get inside." He watched Ellie stand, seeing her stretch and a bare bit of skin peaking from underneath her tee shirt. Trying to compose himself, he cleared his throat. "So I'll see you tomorrow?"

Ellie nodded, moving away reluctantly toward the door. "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow." She walked inside, turning as she watched Craig meander down the sidewalk. He paused, facing Ellie again as he waved her another signal to talk to him tomorrow at school. He cracked a smile, causing Ellie to laugh. Shutting the door, she leaned against it, thinking that not all mistakes are bad.

_We are accidents  
Waiting waiting to happen._

* * *

_Goodness, I love this song. Can't even begin to tell you how much, just the message... so amazing. Please check out this song over on my profile page link, it's worth it. I'll have more chapters up sooner. Thanks for reading! -- MrsBigTuna_


	12. Bodysnatchers

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or Radiohead. However, Thom Yorke owns my heart.**_

_A/N: This oneshot is during the episode, "How Does it Feel to Be a Ghost, Pt. 2", in which Craig has an overdose. Heavy stuff. Also, this song selection can only be appreciated on full blast, so if you are in a library, plug in the earphones and let the music take you away. Enjoy!_

* * *

"**Bodysnatchers"; In Rainbows**

Craig sat on his bed, hearing Ellie's words ache in his ears. She thought group could help him, show him the way apart from his little hobby, but it wasn't that easy. He scratched his arms, feeling the withdraws become more violent without a little taste from his powdered friend. He tried to ignore them, but the guilt that was flowing through him from Ellie, the look of disappointment and betrayal in her eyes nearly caused him to jump off the roof. How had everything turned to crap so fast? He was a recording artist, actually having gigs and only until three days before did he feel somewhat normal. He kicked at the nightstand, wanting to throw it out the window. He felt powerless of his surroundings, trying desperately to forget Ellie's eyes, her pleas of actions and her unfailing love that she would never admit she held for him. The only outlet he had was denial, trying to justify what he was doing was for his career, for the stage fright, for those small moments on stage where he could really feel something, the only time he ever did other than being with Ellie.

_I do not_

_Understand_

_What it is_

_I've done wrong_

He looked at the clock on the wall, seeing it was half past four. If he had left right than, he would make it to group and show some effort for Ellie, maybe be lucky enough to see her smile at him again, like she always had when he was near. He wanted so much to be that figure she held on a pedestal for so long, trying to reach the image that she had created and knowing he would always fall short. He wanted to blame her for his self-destruction. That she was the reason why he went to drugs because the pain of not being with her was too strong to handle alone. But as he caught sight of the non-sugary white substance that erased the weeks of loneliness, he tried to resist the urge. He was determined to ignore the voice inside his head, pressuring him to take the edge off. _Just one taste, just one hit, just once._ He knew he was weak, and only felt weaker when he knew Ellie lost faith in him. Why did he have to lie about it? He knew he was doing wrong, the damage it was causing and he would never admit that it affected his music too. He had even gotten Manny to take some, feeling even more of the scum of the Earth than usual. But only when he was high was when he seemed to feel anything. On his medication he felt numb, only able to remember the small moments in his youth when he was happy, being with the band, being with Joey and Angie, being with Ellie. The rest of the time, he felt dead.

_Full of holes_

_Check for pulse_

_Blink your eyes_

_One for yes_

_Two for no_

He shook his head, tossing his jacket over the cocaine. He could handle this, he knew he could. He had endured far worse at the hands of his own father, let alone from the events he caused in his life. He could withstand the urge to not use, he had to. He needed for her to have faith in him, he needed to make her believe in him again, he needed to know that there was someone out there that loved him still. He had burned nearly every bridge, the few that still held together were ones that could never seem to fall, but Ellie was the most important. He had to do this for her so as he took wallet, leaving his jacket and grainy snow behind, he headed toward his salvation, hoping it would still be there when he got there.

* * *

As he walked down the street, avoiding cars as he jaywalked to the community center, he felt himself shake. He tried to play it down, not make it so obvious that he was going through withdraws, but he needed to be here for Ellie. She needed to know he wanted help, that she needed to be there for him, that he was finally willing to open up and let her in. He had been guarded for so long, afraid to open the Pandora's box of demons lurking right under the surface. He never felt quite right in relationships, always feeling less than extraordinary, albeit Ashley or Manny, never living up to their needs. He wanted to be everything for Ellie, and knowing he could never be. But as he walked up the steps, he thought that maybe it was finally his chance.

_I have no idea what I am talking about_

_I am trapped in this body and can't get out._

* * *

"You're such an idiot, Craig! You're so stupid!" Craig continue to pound his fist on his head, banging it continuously, trying to fall unconscious. He wanted the pain in his chest to lessen. He needed to breathe clearer, feeling as if his chest could collapse under pressure. He tried to calm his nerves, trying to erase the image of Ellie snapping at her rubber bands, trying to make her pain lessen. Why did he give everyone he ever loved pain and grief? He seemed to be contaminated with it, drenched with the notion that he would ruin you if you came in contact with him. He chuckled at the idea that he should come with a caution warning on his back, bewaring the world to not become attached due to destructive tendencies. He could have gotten there on time, he could have been the person that deserved Ellie, but he was just as useless as the blow that seemed to burn a hole in his pocket. He pulled it out, trembling as he poured it onto a small mirror. He dug into his wallet, grabbing a hotel room key from Vancouver and made four lines. With one sniff, he took in a line that went straight for his chest. He could feel his arms throb, the cocaine coursing through his veins, taking it to his head. He closed his eyes, trying to numb himself out, but he still saw the snapping rubber bands hit her perfect skin, slacking away as if another latching at his heart. He wiped his upper lip, taking another hit and another one. After the third hit, he laid on the floor, trying to picture what happiness actually felt like.

_Oooohhhhoooohhhhhh_

* * *

It was about fifteen minutes before he got on stage. Fifteen minutes before he performed in front of his friends and a potential band he could open for. Fifteen minutes for him to absorb his last hit and conquer the stage. But there was Ellie, looking more beautiful with every blink of his eye. He tried to focus on the words she was saying, trying to comprehend what she was talking about. But she shook her head, trembling when she grabbed his stash. He lunged at her, not sure what was being said, but knew that he had to get it back. She was holding onto the only thing that got him through the day, the weeks, the months that he was away from her. He knew that he would never be good enough for her now, not in the state he was in, so taking that away from him would paralyze him.

_You killed the sound_

_removed backbone_

_A pale imitation_

_With the edges_

_Sawn off_

He tried to bite his tongue, making excuses that he needed it, but the truth was, he needed her. And for the briefest of moments, he needed that reassurance that she might need him too, just to know he wasn't doing any of this suffering alone. He kissed her, trying to find some truth in his lies, the lies that blocked him from being with her, the boundaries that he had so skillfully built so that he wouldn't hurt her, wouldn't hurt himself. He needed his friend, the white stuff. He needed Ellie more, but as it seemed to be clear as she pulled away, he knew that the coke was the best he could do. He wanted to have both, like always, he was selfish. He thought that if he eased off the drug, he could be high off her light and glow, her laughter and presence and maybe he wouldn't need the drugs anymore. But she walked away, leaving him with one option. She didn't understand what he was saying, she didn't get that he needed it, so that he didn't need her. He wasn't good enough for her, why couldn't she see that? He wanted to show her that he couldn't stand on his own two feet, not really. That he wasn't the prefect God-like creature that she created in her mind. That he was just as weak as everyone else, only weaker because he knew his own mortality, his own soft spot and knew that he wouldn't be anything more than ordinary.

_I have no idea what you are talking about  
Your mouth moves only with someone's hand up your ass  
Ooooohhhh_

* * *

He loathed his own skin, wanting to rip it off and change. In his hallucinating state, he imagined himself as a chameleon, changing form and color to associate with his surroundings. He tried to picture himself able to adapt, able to change into something worthy of Ellie's love and everyone's admiration. He had fantasies of coming back to Toronto like a King, his friends' adoration, his stepfather's pride and Ellie's love. He felt himself lose some of the high as he tried to remember what Ellie had said. He remembered telling her that he loved her, sort of. He wasn't sure what he said, but he was more than certain she said it to him. He wanted so much to remember the way the words pushed out of her mouth, how amazing it must have sounded, but only blurs and flashes of red hair and tear-stained cheeks were seen, eliminating any shred of hope that she might still love him. He closed his eyes again, trying to remember her taste, how soft her lips were with his and how he might be able to pull that memory for those unfailingly expectant lonely days ahead. He needed to feel something, anything that would substitute the pain, the longing and the notion that he would be like this always.

Craig heard his name called from the stage, knowing that the moment had arrived. He jumped up and down, trying to gain some momentum as he made his stride to the microphone. He looked around, seeing familiar faces, trying his best to seem unaffected and nonchalant, but he saw Ellie's face, sticking out like a sore thumb in the middle of the lounge. He closed his eyes, searching for a soothing memory to give him strength, find him peace so he could perform without crumbling. He said something to the crowd, not really sure if it would suffice for the lack of preparedness, trying to seem professional. He strummed in his guitar, feeling some resonance of home, but he couldn't remember what song he was going to play. When he saw the member of Taking Back Sunday, it all came clear. He strummed the first chord, trying to gain his barrings, and looked at the crowd. He felt lightheaded, the room spinning, lightening and darkening, fading in and out, and he found his breathing shortening. He widened his feet, keeping steady, but as he looked into the crowd again, every face seemed to resemble Ellie. Each with a disappointed glare, a sorrowful stare and the contempt that only projected doubt.

_Has the light gone out for you?  
Because the light's gone for me  
It is the 21st century  
It is the 21st century  
It can follow you like a dog  
It brought me to my knees  
They got a skin and they put me in  
They got a skin and they put me in  
All the lines wrapped around my face  
All the lines wrapped around my face  
And for anyone else to see  
And for anyone else to see_

He blinked, hoping that the hallucinations would disappear, but they only intensified, making him sweat and feel suffocated on the stage. He looked down, trying to keep his footing but he stumbled slightly. He heard whispers from around, sounding more like a freight train ringing in his ears. He wanted to make a run for it, leave Ellie, the guilt and the staring eyes behind but he was paralyzed. He couldn't move, knowing there was no place to turn, having to face his fate as the blood trickled from his nose. He watched the faces turn from skeptical to horror, finding the transition not only drastic, but relevant. He felt the urge to run again, bury himself in a white powder tomb, drowning in his own sorrow and close out the world.

_I'm a lie_

* * *

She was standing there, looking at him, but not seeing him. She kept her distance, not making an effort to stay close. He wanted to reach out and take her hand, begging her to feel him, tell her that he was real, that they were real. She was greatest friend he had ever known, a true beacon of hope of the tunnel that never seemed to end, the only tangible truth of a life he could have had, if he was worthy of it. She avoided his eyes, making a little speech he was sure she had practiced before seeing him off. He saw Mr. Simpson, not sure what was supposed to happen. For a split second, he had the urge to run again, taking Ellie with him. They could travel like they had planned in those wee hours of the morning when they should have been home instead of going over the countless inspirations that seemed to get them through the hot summer. He wanted to be that person she could love, she could admire, and he was willing to do anything to make that happen. He didn't want the drugs, not anymore. He wanted her, more than he ever thought he wanted anyone. She was his drug, the one that could pull him through anything and everything else would always seem less significant. He was obsessive by nature, throwing himself into whatever seemed to grab his attention at the moment, but she was his only constant. He felt that everything was leading to this moment, and as he was clear-headed, he wanted to make it known.

She backed away. She shook her head. She cried again. She didn't love him, not anymore. He told her he loved her and it didn't matter. She turned away from him and walked away, not looking back as he felt the hands of Mr. Simpson take him up the escalator. He was going to get help for an addiction that seemed fickle compared to the one that walked away. He closed his eyes, trying to remember her words before, the sheer joy in her eyes when he told her he loved her. He loved her so much, his heart crushing under the pressure, the pain that seemed to course through his veins, remembering the drug and its faint illustration of a man with little to hope for, and regardless if he thought his words would change everything, he knew that he would never be enough for her, high or sober, tattooed or bare, sick or well. He yanked his arm away from Mr. Simpson, not wanting to spread his poison, his disease and hoping that maybe the pain would lessen, but knowing that it would only expand.

_I've seen it coming  
I've seen it coming  
I've seen it coming  
I've seen it coming _

* * *

_And isn't that song intense? GAH! I love it! More to come._


	13. Just

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. I'm too poor to own a show and human ownership has been outlawed. **_

_A/N: This is Ellie's response to the oneshot, 'Bodysnatchers'. I have always liked this track and hopefully you will too! As always, check out my profile for each new song. _

* * *

"**Just"; The Bends**

Ellie plopped down on a stool at the kitchen counter, the urge to make coffee surging through her tiny body as she tapped on the kitchen counter. She felt off all day, first with the interview with _Taking Back Sunday_ taking a complete detour, than Craig bailing on her as usual to party with his sex kitten, let alone the weird and concerning looks Jess threw at her every chance he could made her want to bury her head deep into the ground, surrounding to whatever agony she was forced to deal with. She thought she left all this drama back in high school, but she knew better. As long as Craig Manning was a part of her life, drama was never too far away.

Figuring the caffeine jolt was what she needed, she meandered in the kitchen, fumbling around until she heard banging from upstairs. Rolling her eyes, she left the kitchen, seeing the source of the racket fleeing down the stairs in a rush of brown and black hair. "Where's the fire--"

Manny's eyes lit up when she faced Ellie. "Ellie, just the girl I wanted to see." She shook her head. " I have a present for you. Me and Craig broke up."

Ellie's mouth went dry. "What?"

Manny chuckled under her breath, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, he has a little bit of a drug problem if you haven't noticed." She spun around, grabbing the door handle when Ellie took her elbow.

"I think you have the wrong way around." Ellie tried to compose herself, trying to give Manny a warning glance. "I found your loot bag and I know the coke is yours." She straightened up more. "Craig told me."

Manny chuckled louder, nearly tickled pink by Ellie's oblivion. "Craig lied. That's what drug addicts do, Ellie." She threw open the door, before turning to give a half-hearted sympathetic glance. "Good luck with him."

_Can't get the stink off  
He's been hanging round for days  
Comes like a comet  
Suckered you but not your friends  
One day he'll get to you  
And teach you how to be a holy cow _

* * *

Watching Manny leave, she felt the bile rise in the back of her throat, wanting desperately to punch something, anything to dissolve the utter stupidity she felt in her chest. She wanted to believe him, everything her heart was riding on the possibility that Craig could tell her the truth, even if he couldn't trust anyone, she thought that he could at least trust her with the truth, but as always, she failed to see what everyone else saw when they looked at him, a broken man. She ran up the stairs, feeling the anger only mount with each step until she pushed open the door, seeing him stooped over whatever concoction he was creating with his new friends, spoon and lighter. For a split second, she didn't want to face the truth, knowing that comfort came with the lies and deceit, at least than she could look at him without wanting to leave him. Than he turned around, looking wild-eyed and disoriented and the anger came rushing back with vengeance. "Question of the day: Who's more pathetic, you for lying to me about the drugs or me for believing you?"

Craig smirked, unmoved. "Is that a trick question?"

Ellie never wanted more to hit anyone in her entire life. Not just a slap in the face with suffice, more like wipe his face clean of any trace of snark and charm, removing anything tangible about Craig. "This is funny?" Her fists were shaking at her sides. If he moved any closer, she was positive she would deck him and feel no guilt. Not being able to stomach her own rage, she turned to leave, vowing to get away as far as she could from him, hoping Joey would take him off her hands. It wasn't until she heard him call her name, the desperation in it, the plea for her to turn around that made it harder for to do just that. Seeing him across the room, she saw again the lonely sixteen year old in group, scared and confused and all she wanted to do was fix him, make him whole again.

Craig walked closer. "Don't be mad."

Ellie stepped back closer to the door, taking a breath to clear her head. "Just tell me the truth for once." The rest of the conversation was a haze more or less. She tried to see his rational, see his logic and only felt herself break apart piece by piece. She didn't want it to be this way. She wanted Craig to be the one that left her to go solo months before graduation. She wanted the Craig that had a bright future, who took his meds and wanted to be a serious musician. She wanted her Craig. But this imitation, this dead figure before her was only that, a ghost of someone she used to know. She wanted so much for everything to stop, to make him see what he was doing, but maybe she needed some reassurance. She convinced him to come to group, if only to know that he was willing to change, if not for her, but for himself. Without another look back, she walked out the door, finding her footing had lost momentum and hoping she could make it down the stairs with collapsing.

_You do it to yourself, you do  
And that's what really hurts  
Is that you do it to yourself  
Just you and no-one else  
You do it to yourself  
You do it to yourself_

* * *

Ellie glanced at the clock for the umpteenth time in the last fifteen minutes, praying that he'd show his face, just for a little while, but as she saw Dr. Kendrick inch closer to the door, she screamed pleading. "Can we wait just a little longer?" She pulled her rubber bands, hating she was resulted into this behavior again, over Craig. Seeing him shake his head and close the door, she willed herself to not cry, to not shed another tear over her fallen hero. She wanted to believe in him, putting her all hopes and dreams into believing that he might actually come through, but even she knew that it was a suckers shot, a gamble that only she would come up short and the realization drenched her with more self-loathing, giving her arm another latching, and praying it would shed whatever hope remained on her.

_Don't get my sympathy  
Hanging out the 15th floor  
You've changed the locks three times  
He still comes reeling through the door  
One day I'll get you _

* * *

It didn't hit her fully that he disappointed her again until she saw Jesse at the set. She knew that he cared for her, maybe even loved her, but she couldn't, wouldn't let him for so long. She wanted to pull him aside, but he was busy, thinking better of it and waiting until that evening to properly talk to him, apologize and maybe even confide in him that she was still naïve enough to believe that everyone had good in them, that not everyone could be corrupt or corrupted. She felt herself tremble as she turned the corner, looking for Craig's dressing room. After getting directions from another stage hand, she rounded the last turn, seeing the door cracked slightly. She relished in the fact that he didn't even bother hiding it anymore, leaving it open for the world to see. Another wave of nausea hit her, thinking that maybe they already did, that only she was a little late on catching on. Pushing it open, she saw a familiar pose, his backside hunched over. But he wasn't doing coke, he was shaking like a leaf, obviously tense. She wanted to hold him than, take him in her arms and wish away any pain that he felt, but she couldn't bare all his demons, not anymore. Slamming the door, she watched him turn in shock. "Ellie, hey. About group therapy. Something came up."

The image of consoling him vanished than. She was tired of the lies, of the constant agony she delved herself in, the notion of saving him was futile and borderline ridiculous. Why was she the one who needed to do the saving all the time? When would she finally get rescued? She shook her head, digging around his belongings, things he touched, pieces of a man she knew less about than the men in the next room. He wasn't her Craig, not anymore. Wherever he was, he wasn't here. Grabbing hold of his special friend, she spun around, forcing the tears to stay put, waiting until she was alone to show any compassion. She cleared her throat, trying to remember what she had rehearsed. "Either you stop now or I call Joey and tell him about this and this, this will all end. The touring, the music career, finished." She stiffened when he lunged at her, pushing her back without force into the door.

The look of hunger and rage, fused together startled Ellie, trying to find a way to see past it once again, trying to find her friend behind it all, but was there anything left? "Come on. Why would you do that to me? Just leave me alone, alright?"

"I can't." And there it was. She loved him more than she ever thought someone could love another. As trite as it seemed, he completed her, never feeling her entire self until she was around him. With him, she had compassion, she had hope, she had all the things that she bashed her friends for having and suddenly, with him in her life, she found that she possessed them as well. She didn't want to lose that, and she didn't want to lose him, no matter how much it hurt to look at him, the thought of him not being there, after months of the occasional email or the random phone call at two in the morning whenever he wanted to talk shop or tell her about the most perfect lyric of the moment. She knew that if she called Joey, if she walked out that door, it would all end, including the best of of her.

_You do it to yourself, you do  
And that's what really hurts  
Is that you do it to yourself  
Just you, you and no-one else  
You do it to yourself  
You do it to yourself_

Craig looked up at her than, and for a brief moment, he was her friend again. He was the Craig that used to play silly songs to make her smile, tickle her to make her laugh or ramble about how songwriters were making a comeback. "Why not?"

Ellie shook her head, knowing this wasn't why she came back here. She needed to tell him he wasn't in control anymore, that he couldn't handle calling the shots in his own life, but as the room seemed to spin, she knew that he was controlling the conversation. "Because."

Craig inched closer. "Because why?" He looked at her than, like she had always wished he looked at her when he was stable, when they were both leveled and had a chance to be something real. She had dreams of those looks, of his eyes lingering and wanting something more than the occasion embrace or peck on the cheek, that he needed her, longed for her as much as she had for him.

"You know why Craig. Um... you know, so don't make me say it." She felt herself get weak in the knees, not sure how everything had gotten to her being in love with him and why Craig was closer than he ever had been to her, even when they hugged or tickled or lounged around. He was holding her arms and taking her waist, and suddenly she tasted his tongue, warm and slippery against her teeth and for several moments, she felt the greatest bliss she had ever known. _Maybe it wasn't one-sided? Maybe he does love me? Please let this be real..._

"I love you, Ellie." And as if the Hallelujah chorus rejoiced in song, Ellie needed to know nothing else, fearing she could never relive that euphoria of finally knowing her heart's desire. She absorbed the words, swam in them for as long as she could, images of being by his side through rehab, waiting for him outside the gates when he returned home, endless days and nights of love and affection, knowing that they could get through it because he finally let her in.

"I love you, too." She let herself smile than, saying it aloud made everything more real. She looked up at him again, so excited to start the next chapter of her life with him, knowing that everything would be alright, that she could save him and that he'd save her too. But as he pulled away, taking the coke out of her hand, the hope, the dreams slipped away rapidly, without warning and held no bondage.

The rest of it played in slow motion as the second wave of nausea set in, the pain surging through her in hydro-speed and as she desperately tried to grab the pieces, feeling them slip through her fingers. She felt like she was suffocating, like her chest could collapse if she stayed in the room much longer with him. He hurt her again, she let him in and he destroyed her again. She ran out the room than, feeling faint when she saw Jesse across the room, looking solemn. She couldn't deal with him now, she couldn't deal with herself, feeling her skin was betraying her, goosefleshed and crawling, searching for the exit door. The sharp wind rounding the corner of the dingy building felt like a renewal of life she thought she might have lost inside. She took a few deep breaths, when she heard the door open. She turned, seeing someone she didn't recognize. "You alright?"

Ellie nodded silently and followed him inside to join the audience as the announcer called Craig's name over the speakers. She crossed her arms, wishing she could disappear. She portrayed her better judgment and looked at him prepare, looking slightly calmer than he had a few minutes ago. She hated him than. She wasn't going to go back on the hatred anymore. He was scum, poison and everything he seemed to touch withered. But than he sang and she watched as he crumbled on the stage, the blood oozing down his face, and the hatred once again left. But unlike the past, it wasn't replaced by her standby, love, any longer. It was simply pity, pity for a man she no longer knew, pity for someone who needed help and she knew she couldn't give. A few moments later, she left the building, pulling out her cell phone and dialing a number she knew as well as her own. "Hey Joey? It's Ellie. Hey." She wiped away the first of many tears, feeling her lip tremble. "Um, I need to talk to you." She looked back at the building, hearing the commotion get louder. Closing her eyes, she took another breath. "It's about Craig."

_You do it to yourself, you do  
and that's what really hurts  
Is that you do it to yourself_

* * *

It wasn't until she saw him the next morning that she felt her heart betraying everything that happened the night before, the pain, the tears, the consoling from Jesse and Marco and everything she told Joey when she watched Craig walk ahead of her toward the concord. He looked better, less pale but still had the stench of a user. He turned to her than, looking self-conscious. She needed to talk first. "You're on the 11AM to Calgary. Joey's waiting for you at the airport." She didn't meet his eyes, she couldn't.

"I guess you're here to make sure I get on the plane." Craig tried to smile, but he went stone faced after Ellie turned again.

"No. Mr. Simpson is. I'm leaving." She turned than, feeling victorious for once, being the one to finally leave him. She needed to walk away now. She couldn't watch him leave her for the second time, knowing that they would never be the same. But he took her hand, forcing her to look at him.

"Ellie I know I messed up, badly, but I am glad for one thing. I was finally able to be honest with you." He nearly reached her face than, making Ellie tremble with some distant desire. "I meant what I said and I felt that way for a long time."

She shook her head, forcing the words away. "No just don't. Don't, just…it's beside the point. You need help." She needed to say the words. She needed to push him away. She couldn't allow herself to get buried in his lies again, she couldn't stomach the pain, not any longer. She couldn't dwell on the possibility that he did in fact love her. He made his decisions, made his choices and he never once added her into the equations. She had always been his standby, the person he could rely on, but who did she have?

Craig took her hand again, pleading her with eyes that could make anyone quiver. There was no mistake, she still loved him intensely, even more than she might had a year ago, but he wasn't good for her, he was a disaster and he knew that more than anyone. "I know. I know. I'm going to the rehab or whatever, but when I get out maybe we could-"

Ellie took back her hand. There was no "after rehab" for them. This was the end. She couldn't love him, refused to. They needed space, she needed time to get over him and the thought of waiting around for him to be ready was only a repeat of the last year. Waiting for him to break up with Manny. Waiting for him to make the big gesture. Waiting for him to see the light and realize what she could have offered him. But she was tired of waiting. "Goodbye, Craig." Turning her back on him might have been the hardest thing she ever had to do, but as she left the airport and walked to her car, she knew the hardest thing she ever had to face wasn't causing him pain, but causing herself pain. Little did she know, she already was.

_Just you, you and no-one else  
You do it to yourself  
You do it to yourself, yourself, yourself._

* * *

_Hope you liked it. Great tune. More will follow. ---MrsBigTuna_


	14. Climbing Up the Walls

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or Radiohead. It bothers me too.**_

_A/N: Okay, this I have to say is the reason why I decided to do this collection. This song SCREAMS Crellie in my mind (you'll get it after you hear the song), and I'm really proud of the finished product. This is considered the band's "scariest" song, so I figured I would do an oneshot that was fitting. Taken place while Craig is in rehab. Also, this is a bit fantastical, so you've been warned. As always, read, review and enjoy!_

* * *

"**Climbing Up the Walls"; OK Computer**

Ellie was typing away at her computer, completely immersed into the task at hand when she felt a chill run down her back. Pausing briefly, she turned, seeing Marco a few steps away. Gasping, she grabbed her chest. "Don't do that!" She tried to steady her breath, shaking her head. "Why do you insist on lurking in the shadows. It's weird."

Marco rolled his eyes, handing her a glass of water. "I'm not the one with all the lights off, sitting in the dark at 2am." He leaned over her shoulder, trying to read what she was working on. "Shouldn't you be getting some sleep?"

Ellie scoffed. "Shouldn't you be minding your own business?" She cocked an accusing eye, looking back at the computer. "Look, I have to finish this before class tomorrow." She could tell Marco was rolling his eyes as she spoke, ignoring the urge to ram him with her chair. "I don't have to be there until after 11, so I'll get a quick nap before, okay?" She turned, finding a grimace on his face. "What?"

Marco shrugged, perching on the table beside her computer. "It's just you've been not getting much sleep in a few weeks. Call me crazy, but I'm just concerned, is all." He leaned over, giving her a peck on the forehead. "As soon as you're finished, get some sleep." He took away the cup of coffee off the table. "And no more coffee for the rest of the night. You're gonna get sick if you keep at it."

Ellie chuckled. "Yes, Mom." She held up her glass of water. "Thanks for this." She patted his hand, watching him walk up the stairs. "Night."

"Later, sweets." As Ellie heard Marco close the door to her room, she inwardly cursed him for stealing her coffee, it was the only thing keeping her from shutting her eyes. She drank the rest of the water, but she knew it was helpless, she would have to go to bed now.

After brushing her teeth, she hopped in bed, turning toward the window. She could just make out the moon through the curtains, trying to see if it was bigger than it was the previous night. She had made a habit of staring at the moon, making faces and shapes from it, anything to distract her from sleep. She remembered when sleep was one of her few solaces, now being one her most dreaded excursions. She fought sleep at every turn, desperate to deflect any need for it, but when she was very nearly on the verge of collapsing, she caught a few winks, never failing to be faced with thoughts and images of the apparition that haunted her dreams as well as her sober state, Craig Manning. Like every night, hIS lone figure stood before her, just as welcoming as he was foreboding.

_I am the key to the lock in your house  
That keeps your toys in the basement  
And if you get too far inside  
You'll only see my reflection_

* * *

Craig walked back to his desk, scribbling in his notebook when a nurse opened the door. "Checks."

Craig waved, seeing that it was one of the nicer nurses. She had always brought Craig comic books that her son had left when he went to college earlier that season. He wasn't much into the books, but it was a nice distraction from the same pale walls that felt more like a tomb. "Hey Rachel."

"Hey Craig. You better get some sleep now. You have a 8:30 group meeting." She gave him a gentle smile, closing the door.

Craig continued to look at the door, trying to remember what his own mother was like. She had died when he was twelve, but with everything that had happened over the years, certain things about her seemed to fade. He could see her vividly in his dreams, but there were times when he forgot the way she used to smile or how she used to laugh when they went out together. He liked to think that she was thoughtful like the nurse, always thinking of others and treating everyone as their own, but he just missed having someone around he could talk to.

He turned off the desk light, feeling sleep take over his limbs as he willed himself to his bed. The medication that he was under made his sleep pattern erratic, either making him extremely drowsy in the morning or up at all hours in the night. He tried to face another night of restless sleep, finding the moon in the sky a singular comfort. He watched as it seemed to sway in the night sky, the clouds forming a cocoon of vapor, trapping the glow, lightly spreading it down below. He imagined himself free from these walls, out on the open sea, slowly drifting far away, nothing but the wind as a constant companion. He closed his eyes, desperate to find some hope of survival, not willing to conceive the notion that he would have to face another three month stretch inside. He had dreams of fighting, struggling to come undone from the stray jacket that was invisible, but always there.

In the pit of his fears, he imagined never leaving, forever imprisoned for the wrong that he did onto others on the outside. He seldom wanted to accept the comic books from Rachel or the care packages that Joey and Angie often sent, feeling unworthy. But what he struggled the most with was the dreams that would soon take over his mind. The dreams that haunted him in his waken state and chased him down. He would usually wake with a start, no need for alarms anymore because the face that greeted him was one that he beloved, but felt revolted by. Her face was the constant reminder of his deeds, the misfortunes that his life had resulted to, and consumed every facet of his mind. He found himself longing to be with her, the one that he let go away, but Ellie Nash wasn't just his best friend, she was the dream that he couldn't seem to shake, the island that he couldn't seem to leave.

_It's always best when the light is off  
I am the pick in the ice  
Do not cry out or hit the alarm  
You know we're friends till we die_

* * *

Ellie stared out ahead, seeing his figure in the distance. She reached out to him, wanting to touch him and afraid to at the same time. He smirked at her, beckoning her like a siren, trying to trap her in his web of deceit and lies. She felt drawn to him like a moth to the flame, but something was holding her back. Could have been fear or the knowledge that he wasn't real that made her keep her distance, but when she turned to run away, she found him in her path again. He crossed his arms, a small smile on his face. "Why are you running, Nash?"

Ellie shook her head. "You aren't real. You're fake. You don't exist." She tried to say what she felt, aching to tell him that he hurt her, but she needed to be logical. "You don't exist."

Craig put his hand over his chest, mockingly whimpering. "Well, that's just plain rude. I feel real. I'm talking. Seem real enough to me." He walked toward her, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I can do that, right? If I didn't exist, I couldn't do that."

Ellie closed her eyes, trying to make him disappear. "You don't exist."

Craig pulled away. "Stop saying that. You're only making me feel bad."

Ellie backed off him, feeling a wall on her back. "You can't feel anything." She tried to hold back the tears, not letting Dream Craig see her cry.

He walked up to her, taking her hands. "Why don't you trust me?" He pulled her closer, making him tower over her. "I'm gonna be here for you. I'm not going anywhere." He smiled down on her, trying to put her at ease, but Ellie found it far more demonic than a comfort.

_And either way you turn  
I'll be there_

* * *

Craig looked at Ellie, finding her more beautiful every night her saw her, standing in the same shirt he saw her wearing at the airport. He couldn't shake the image of her, leaving in a tearful haze, desperate to distance herself from him. He walked up to her, trying to touch her, but she backed away. He ran a little faster, trying to make a fast approach, but she was just that faster at moving further away. "Why are running, Nash?"

Ellie smiled coyly, shaking her head. "I'm not telling. You have to guess."

Craig rolled his eyes, already fed up with the ridiculous tricks his mind was playing. He wanted to touch her, feel her breath, have something tangible to know that she existed, that he wasn't losing mind. He moved quickly, catching her hand. He pulled her toward him, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. He watched it fall through his fingers, watching how the dark room seemed to only hold the light in her hair. She smiled up at him, seemingly mischievous as she pulled away from him. She tried to run again, but Craig stopped her. He pulled her closer. "Why won't you let me stay with you?"

Ellie shrugged. "Maybe I don't want to be caught. How do I know you'll stick around? How do I know I can trust you?"

Craig backed away, letting her go. "I don't know." He closed his eyes, trying to figure out what to do when Dream Ellie stood beside him.

"I hope you do figure it out. I won't always be here." She took his hand, pulling him down the dark room. She looked back at him, a small smirk on her lips. "But I'm here now. Prove me wrong."

Craig felt a lump in his throat, trying to form words, anything that would make her stay. "You're always here, Ellie. You'll always be around."

_Open up your skull  
I'll be there  
Climbing up the walls_

* * *

Ellie pushed herself away from Dream Craig, trying to run along the wall. She could feel his eyes on the back of her neck, hungrily watching her as she tried to escape. When she reached the end, she found herself trapped in a corner. She watched as he walked toward her, shaking his head. "When are you gonna learn? I'm here. I exist. It's not the worst thing in the world."

Ellie pushed him away. "Don't you think I know that?! I don't want to see you. I don't want to ever look at you again. But you're here. You're always here!" She fell down on the ground, burying her face in hands. She weeped for refuge, an escape clause from the sudden doom of a dream, a path of solitude to freedom. "Just stay away from me."

Dream Craig shook his head. "But I can't. I can't leave you."

Ellie wiped her face. "Why?"

Craig shrugged, gesturing to dark room. "As much as you want me to leave, I can't because you don't want me to." He crossed his arms, standing close beside her. "I'm like this dark room, a secret in the back of your mind that you can't seem to find the light. Until you can put me away on a shelf, I'm gonna keep coming after you."

_It's always best when the light is off  
It's always better on the outside_

* * *

Dream Ellie snorted at Craig's suggestion. "You can't keep me, Craig. I'm not yours to have." She walked away, a door magically appearing at the far end of the room.

Craig stood, running to the door before she got to it. He blocked it, lunging at her. "You can't leave me here."

Ellie crossed her arms. "Why not? This is your prison, not mine." She tried to move away from him, reaching the doorknob.

Craig pushed her back. "This is your prison just as much as mine. I want to be with you."

Ellie chuckled. "No you don't. You chose Manny, remember. I'm second rate, your Plan B. Manny dumped you and now you think you can have me. I don't want you. You had your chance." She stomped away, trying to find another exit.

"But I had it wrong!" He screamed after her as she moved further away. "I thought I wasn't good enough for you. I wasn't the amazing guy you thought I was. I was this asshole who thought he was someone special because he had a few gigs. But the truth was, I was afraid of you."

Dream Ellie halted. "Afraid of me?" She turned, seemingly apprehensive. "Why?"

Craig sat down, not willing to look at her. "I don't know. I guess I never wanted to disappoint you, ruin what I had with you."

"So you used drugs?" She crossed her arms, looking unmoved. "I don't understand you, Manning."

Craig stood up, feeling a wave of hatred for the artificial Ellie. "What makes you think you're better than me? You cut... that's hurting yourself!" He threw his hands in the air, trying to relieve the tension that seemed to build. "We're the same, you and I. We hurt ourselves, trying not to hurt others, but we still seem to."

Ellie turned away, not willing to look at him. "When have I ever hurt you?"

Craig chuckled, shaking his head. "The moment I knew I would never be good enough for you and that you couldn't accept me."

Ellie ran to him, hitting him constantly on his head. "You idiot!" She continued to hit him across the head, not letting up. "I would have accepted you no matter what. You never let me in!" She hit him more, crying as she threw punch after punch.

_Fifteen blows to the back of your head  
Fifteen blows to your mind_

* * *

Ellie crawled up in the corner, trying to make Dream Craig disappear. "You don't exist. You don't exist."

Craig rolled his eyes again. "Here we go again."

Ellie looked up, screaming. "What do you want me to do, than?"

Craig folded his arms, staring at her as if the answer was obvious. "You already know what to do. You have to let me go. If you want me to leave, I'll leave. But you don't want me to, do you?"

Ellie sniffled, seemingly confused. "I do want you to leave. I told you to leave for the past three weeks. Every night, it's the same thing. You tell me to tell you to leave and you stay around. Why won't you leave me alone?"

Craig shrugged. "Because you don't want me to leave." He took a seat next to her on the ground, taking her hand. "I don't want to leave you either. But you have to be willing to let me go. If I leave, I won't come back."

Ellie looked at Dream Craig, feeling her chest ache with grief. She found him only more beautiful than in reality. He seemed flawless with his cheekbones, chiseled into a smile that made her weak in the knees. He reached for her, taking her in his arms. She breathed in his dreamlike state, remembering the few times she was close enough to smell his cologne or the times when he let her wear his jacket if it got too cold. She wanted his scent to surround her forever, but she had to let him go. She couldn't continue to torture herself over a guy that constantly hurt her. She tried to guard her heart from pain, but as he warmed the coldest parts of her soul, she only divulged the presence of him more.

_So lock the kids up safe tonight  
Put the eyes in the cupboard_

* * *

Craig pushed Dream Ellie away. "Stop hitting me!"

Ellie laughed out loud. "Why? I can't give you a little pain back from all the hurt you've given me?" She pushed him, trying to get a rise out of him. "Come on, Manning? You're not so tough now, are you? You can't hide behind your lies now. It's just you and me here. No one can protect you here." She shook her head. "And to think I cared about you."

Craig closed his eyes again, willing for her to stop. "Just shut up!"

"Why? So you can pretend that whatever you did outside of your... what do you call it again? Oh yeah, 'prison', will magically disappear. It doesn't work like that, Craig. You have to prove to me, prove to yourself that you want to be better." She walked up to him, nudging his shoulder until he looked up at her. "You think you're not good enough for me?"

Craig shook his head. "I'm not."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "What does it have to take to get you to see that you are! You said so yourself, remember? We're the same. If you want to be with me as much as you seem to think so, than why don't you prove to me that you're worthy. What do I have to do to make you realize that you are?"

Craig looked down, unsure how long his mind would continue to play this game. "Forgive me."

Ellie crossed her arms. "Just like that?"

Craig sighed exasperatedly. "What do you want from me?!"

Ellie looked at him expectantly. "Isn't it obvious?" She walked toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Craig could smell her lightly scented soap, not perfume. He had always liked that she didn't wear perfume like Manny or Ashley, just her clean body. He sniffed the air, trying to hold onto the artificial smell, lingering in the air.

_I've got the smell of a local man  
Who's got the loneliest feeling_

* * *

"I'm sorry I ever hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't give us a chance when I wasn't screwed up... well, less screwed up. I'm sorry I chose Manny over you. I'm sorry I didn't say sorry before now. I'm sorry that I can't really smell you, really touch you. I'm sorry that I may never be able too. And I'm sorry that I can't really apologize, knowing that you're something only my mind's eye can see." He looked down at Dream Ellie, holding her close, willing himself to not tear her away.

Ellie felt Dream Craig move away from her, spreading the cold from the room all over her body. She opened her eyes. "Where are you going?"

Craig looked down at her with pleading eyes. "Don't let me go, Ellie. I don't want to leave you." He took her hands, pulling her up. "We can make it. We can stay together just like this."

Ellie pulled away. "This isn't real, Craig. We're not together and we certainly can't be like this. I have to move on."

Craig shook his head. "No... we can be together. You and me. I promise, I'll take care of you and I'll be there for you. I'll stop hurting you, you'll see."

Ellie felt the tears form, willing them not to fall. "I can't continue to live like this. Dreaming you're here when you're not."

Craig frowned. "But it doesn't have to be that way. We can be together... out there." He looked upward, smiling. "Give me another chance. I can be better. I can make you happy. I can be everything you need, just give me that chance."

Ellie turned away, not able to look his way. "I've given you too many chances. I can't be with you. I can't let you hurt me again and again." She faced him again, feeling weak as she looked at him, even in her dream state, he still found a way to take her breath away. "We're not real. This isn't real."

Dream Craig walked up to her, taking her hand and kissing it. He pulled her closer, kissing her temple and kissing her cheek, slowly leading to her lips. He kissed her gently, not savagely, but hungrily. He held her closely, not leaving her side. "I may _not_ be real. Not like this." He pulled away slightly, taking his hand to her chest. "But I'm here. I own your heart and you own mine."

_That either way he turns  
I'll be there_

* * *

Craig continued to hold Dream Ellie, determined that if he said those words, that she would somehow be real and that this wouldn't be a dream. The same dream he had for weeks. They all started the same, all ended the same. He would have a fight with her, she would hit him, he would apologize and she would still leave. She would constantly leave like he always did. He always left her behind, never considering how she felt, what she needed or the fact that he needed her as much as she needed him. He thought that tonight might be different, somehow the tide would turn and she would stay.

Ellie looked up, smiling gently. "Wake up, Craig."

Craig shook his head. "Why bother? There's nothing good out there. Just the same plain white walls filled of empty dreams and blank futures."

She chuckled. "How poetic?" She looked up with a quizzical brow. "I'm out there. I'm right out those four walls." She took his hand, leading to a window that suddenly appeared. "You can walk with me under the trees out there. You can talk to me out there, be with me out there. You can let me in."

Craig shook his head. "You wouldn't want me to take you there. You deserve better than that."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Stop telling me what you think I need! You haven't been right yet, so stop trying to make those decisions for me." She walked away from the window, leaving Craig to continue to stare out. He saw the small pond that was near the building. A few trees surrounded it, making it look serene among the stark ivory towers that stood any a few yards away.

"I just want to be good enough for you. I'm a coke head. I'm nuts. Why would you ever want to be with someone like me."

Ellie shrugged. "I can't answer that question for you. You have to go out there and find out. That's why I'm always leaving you. You hide away in here, thinking that these little false moments with me will suffice for the real thing out there. I'm not always gonna be here. And I won't always be out there either." She took hold of his hands, squeezing them. "You have to get better. You have to or you'll never know for sure."

_Open up your skull  
I'll be there_

* * *

Ellie twisted and turned, jumping up in her bed. She blinked her eyes, taking in her surroundings. She could make out the closet and her chair. She looked to see the moon, seeing that it was pitch black outside like in the strange room from her dream. She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to calm her racing heart. She felt sweat down her neck, throwing off the covers as she raced to the bathroom. She splashed some cool water on her face, feeling her body shake all over. She heard a knock at the door, but she was fearful to open it. "Ellie, it's me." She sighed when she recognized the voice.

She opened the door, revealing a worried Marco. "Hey, is everything okay?"

Ellie crossed her arms defensively. "Yeah, why?"

Marco stepped inside, looking around. "I just heard you muttering kinda loudly, that's all. Something about 'Stay away' and like 'Don't go'. Just wondered if you were alright."

Ellie tensed up, slightly ashamed. "I'm fine. Thanks anyway." She smiled, trying to reassure him she was okay. "Just had a bad dream, is all."

Marco nodded. "I was gonna get some water. You want anything?"

"No, I'm fine." She followed Marco to the door, planting a kiss on his cheek. "Thanks, as always."

Marco took her hand, patting it softly. "All in a day's work." He chuckled, closing the door behind him.

Ellie walked back to her bathroom, pouring herself some water and drinking it slowly. She sighed, looking outside the window, still feeling trapped in her own dream. She knew she had to let Craig go, but there was something holding her back. It was as if something needed for her to hold out just a little longer. She chuckled, finding herself taking her dreams too seriously. "You really need to get out more."

_Climbing up the walls_

* * *

Craig woke up with a start, breathing faster than he ever had in his life. He felt his heart racing so fast that his ears started ringing, causing him to shake with anxiety. He rubbed his face, trying to shake whatever beating his dream did to his mind. "What the hell am I doing?" He asked himself that question far too many times to count, never quite able to come to terms with the answer. He thought if he could just stay in his fantasy, be with Ellie, that everything would work itself out. He stood up, walking over to the window and taking a seat. He watched the moon hide behind the clouds again, playing a game of masquerade as the sky seemed to be dimmer from hours before. He felt trapped in his own skin, aching to break free from the demons that lurked in his mind, clinging to a hope that there was something greater out there on the other side.

He wanted Ellie more and more everyday and the dreams were only a reminder of how chaotic his life was becoming. He had reached rock bottom, having lost her but he knew that if he ever got out and still couldn't have her, he would never be able to truly rise above. He looked at the clock across the room. _4:00._ He had been asleep for two hours, figuring that if he went back to sleep, he might get a few more hours, maybe a few more precious, artificial moments with her again. He fed off those small moments in his psyche when he could hold her, unlike he had in reality and soak up her light for just a little while. He could pretend that he was not ill, not crazy and somehow able to call her his own. But the moments seemed less and less real over the weeks, finding it more difficult to live on that alone and as he ached to see her again, he felt weaker because of it. A surge of strength ran through Craig's body as he walked across the room, digging in his pants pocket. A smile played on this lips as he found what he was looking for, walking toward the door. As he got closer to the end of the hall, he checked to see if the coast was clear. Relieved, he made one last stitch effort to make things right.

_Climbing up the walls_

* * *

Ellie opened the window, taking in the fresh air and hoping it would clear her senses. She had tried to go back to sleep twice more, but with no prevail. She had given up, prompting to sit by the window, hoping the fresh air would make her drowsy. She had heard Marco go back to his room a few moments before, sure that he was in dreamland where Dream Craigs didn't exist. She envied him for having Dylan in his life, knowing where he stood and even though she had someone who cared about her, she knew better than anyone that he wasn't who followed her in her dreams.

She walked to her bed again, hoping that this would be the time she could finally sleep. She closed her eyes, relieved that there was no Craig, but feeling slightly let down there wasn't. He had been such a staple of her dreams in the past few weeks, always there with a comforting smile, no matter how she felt about it. She could predict every outcome of the dreams. He would taunt her, make her admit that she didn't want him to leave her alone when she always said she did. She wanted him to be real, not some figment of her cruel imagination, creating weird scenarios where he would be there, waiting with open arms to comfort her. But who was she kidding? She knew that Craig was self-absorbed, trying to get his life together. He needed to, she had only wished he would be doing it partially for her.

As she felt herself reaching her first REM cycle, the phone rang. She heard Marco mumbling something in the other room, but reached out for the phone before he did. "Hello?"

Craig tensed up, nearly hanging up. But he smiled, gently whispering. "Hey."

Ellie sat up with a start, checking to see if she was awake. She slapped her face, blinking her eyes repeatedly. "Craig?"

Craig chuckled. "Yeah. Hey."

Ellie looked at the caller ID, not recognizing the phone number. "Why are you calling me?"

Craig felt a lump in his throat, fearing that he made a huge mistake. "I shouldn't have called. It's really late. I'm sorry."

"Wait!" Ellie sat up completely, folding her legs. "Why did you call?" She closed her eyes, trying to not freak out and hang up the phone.

Craig took a deep breath. "I just wanted to hear your voice. Can you talk?"

Ellie nearly questioned that herself. How or why was Craig calling her? Why now? And if this wasn't a dream, why did Ellie find herself more present and somehow relieved? "Yeah, I can talk."

_Climbing up the walls_

* * *

_Okay.... I know that was weird. But it's a strange song, so I hope you liked it. Tell me your thoughts!!! And as always, look out for more soon!_


	15. House of Cards

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead... so don't sue me.**_

_A/N: This is a continuation of the previous chapter "Sail to the Moon", concluding this little twoshot. This is a tad bit AU. Ellie and Craig are in college together with most of the gang. Craig never leaves to go to Vancouver. You'll just have to read the rest to find out more. I hope you're enjoying these, I know I am. And as always, read, review and enjoy!_

* * *

"**House of Cards"; In Rainbows**

_**Two Years Later...**_

"Oh, sorry." As the tall blond bummed into Craig Manning, she laid a hand on his shoulder as she passed. She smiled after a moment. "Hi."

Craig nodded, looking around her. "Oh, hey. Excuse me." He passed by the girl with another smile, heading across the room. He stopped when he stood next to Jimmy Brooks in a crowded room. "Hey man."

Jimmy looked over at the blond, seemingly offended and shook his head. "Um, dude. She was totally cruisin' you, man." Jimmy motioned over to the blond. "And she was hot."

Craig looked over at the girl, shrugging. "Whatever." He looked back across the crowded room, trying to get a glimpse of Ellie Nash. He crossed his arms, trying to seem unaffected by the way that her boyfriend, Jessie, stood beside her.

_I don't want to be your friend  
I just want to be your lover  
No matter how it ends  
No matter how it starts_

Jimmy rolled his eyes. "Would you just tell her already?" He came closer to him, trying to see Ellie as well. She was standing near Marco and Paige, laughing with Jessie. "Just tell her."

Craig shook his head, turning away from the group. "Yeah, and ruin the best friendship I ever had." He slugged down the remains of his drink.

Jimmy turned toward Craig, shaking his head. "And what if it's not ruined. Did you ever consider that?"

Craig looked back at Ellie, seeing her glow as she laughed with their friends. She seemed so happy with Jessie, and a part of him didn't want to change that. "But she's happy."

"Are you?" Jimmy sighed as he watched Craig take another drink from the table. The small get-together that Jimmy arranged had turned into an impromptu shebang. "Would it be that terrible if you told her?"

Craig rolled his eyes as if the answer was obvious. "Of course it would be. Not only would I put myself out there to get hurt, but I would have to compete with that guy." He looked over at Jessie, feeling a knot only get tighter in his stomach. "I mean, look at the guy. He's---"

Jimmy smirked. "You, just three years older."

"Exactly. How can I compete with him? I'm--"

"You." Jimmy chuckled when Craig looked dumbfounded.

"Profound, Brooks. Really." He walked to the other side of the room, further away from Ellie and Jimmy.

Jimmy went over to him, seeing Craig looking more sullen than before. "You should just talk to her. See what happens. Take a chance."

_Forget about your house of cards  
And I'll do mine  
Forget about your house of cards  
And I'll do mine_

Craig sighed, not looking at him, but across the floor again. "I don't think I could handle that kind of rejection... not from her."

Jimmy scoffed, turning around. "You don't get it, do you?" He turned to face him, grabbing a hold of his to get his attention. "You rejected her a long time ago, by which she was devastated. You couldn't hurt her more than you already have." Shaking his head, he went over to Ashley, smiling as she snuggled next to him.

Craig looked over at Ellie, finding her looking at him back. She waved slightly, smiling. Craig waved back, not really sure if he could move over to her. He watched as Marco whispered something in her ear, causing her to laugh.

* * *

Ellie nudged Marco, shaking her head. "What are you talking about?"

"Craig... he's been staring at you all night. See." He nodded his head over to Craig, who turned away. "It's weird, even for Craig." He shook his head. "What's his deal?"

Paige chuckled. "It's Craig. How could you ever tell something was wrong? He's always off."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Don't be rude." She grabbed her drink when Jessie wrapped his arm around her back.

"Hey kiddo." He kissed her neck, sending a round of goosebumps up Ellie's arm. "Want me to get you another drink?"

Ellie blushed. "Yeah, sure." She handed her glass to him, watching him walk away.

Marco scoffed. "Of course you don't care if Craig is being weird, you have that to go home to." He nudged her playfully when he noticed Craig walking over. "Speaking of the devil."

Ellie turned, finding Craig beside her. Without warning, she felt suddenly at ease. "Hey."

Craig smiled down at her, finding her just as breathtaking as she was from a distance. "Hey." He noticed Marco and Paige. "Hey guys. Great party, huh?" He raised his glass, clinking it with Marco's. He looked back down at Ellie, smiling gently. "Um... could I talk to you for a second about something?" He looked up at Marco and Paige, shrugging. "Uh, alone."

Paige and Marco looked at one another, nodding. Paige pulled Marco away. "Um, yeah. Actually, I needed to talk to you about that sweater you had on the other night and if it came in my size." She smiled hastily, with Marco in tow.

Ellie chuckled, shaking her head. "So, what's up?" She bit her lip involuntarily, still amazed at the magnetic energy the two could hold between them. "Is everything alright?"

Craig nodded. "Yeah, everything's fine, it's just--" Craig stopped when Jesse came up behind Ellie, wrapping a protective arm around her. "Uh, hey Jessie."

"Hey man." He stuck out his hand, shaking it briefly with Craig. "You're friend throws a decent party, even for sophomores." He nudged Ellie playfully, causing her to laugh softly.

Craig watched the interplay enviously, not knowing rather to punch Jessie in the face or just pull Ellie away from him altogether. He nearly walked away when Jessie whispered something in Ellie's ear, leaving the two alone again. Craig felt a small flip in his stomach with anticipation. "Oh, Jessie leaving?"

Ellie nodded. "Yeah, he has an early meeting tomorrow with the English department." She shrugged, sipping the last of her drink. "You still want to talk?"

Craig shook from his reverie, nodding. "Yeah. Uh, could we go outside?" He pointed outside to the back porch. Seeing Ellie nod in agreement, they both walked out. Craig saw Jimmy in the corner with Spinner Mason and Ashley, giving him the thumbs up. Rolling his eyes, he walked out into the night, seeing few people. He saw a couple making out in the railing. Clearing his throat, the twosome left in a rush of wrinkled clothes and smeared lipstick.

Ellie chuckled. "Yikes. Guess everyone is having a good time, eh?" She leaned over on the banister, crossing her arms.

"Not everyone." Craig kicked a red plastic cup on the ground, watching it fall over the edge.

Ellie rolled her eyes. "What is wrong with you tonight? You're acting weird." She moved closer, trying to read him. "Something happen earlier or what?"

Craig shook his head, looking up at the clear night sky. He could make out a few stars due to the city glare, but the stars that he did find were gleaming, twinkling from a far off place he only seemed to venture toward. Taking a deep breath, he turned to Ellie. "Remember a few summers ago... when we saw that star shower on my roof?"

Ellie tugged at her necklace, feeling her neck redden. "Uh, yeah. Of course." She would revisit that night often, the stars falling on them like a message from God, the heat radiating of Craig's perfect skin, the small moment when she could have let him kiss her, the fluffy pink blanket and how it didn't seem to match the hue of her cheeks. She missed the way they were that night and ever since her solitary wish, she would dream for something more, but somehow, she was still waiting.

Craig chuckled. "Do you remember what you wished for?"

Ellie stayed quiet, not sure where he was going with this. "Yeah."

Craig nodded. "My wish came true." He tapped the railing, visibly shaking. "Do you know what it was?"

Ellie shrugged, leaning on the railing, facing him. "I guess it's safe to tell me know." She smirked. "So, what was it?"

"Your happiness." Craig turned, walking away from her. He heard a subtle intake of breath from her, not if he scared her off. Fearful, he turned to find her shaking. "What? I thought you were happy?"

_Fall off the table,  
Get swept under  
Denial, denial_

Ellie shook her head. "You're unbelievable." She walked toward the door, when Craig grabbed her hand. "What?"

"Aren't you?" He genuinely thought she was, seeing the glow that he had always wanted to bring her brought on by someone else. His heart ached knowing that he missed his chance with Ellie, but he thought that knowing she was happy, he would be alright.

Ellie crossed her arms. "I don't know. I mean..."

"I wish I made you happy." Craig widen his eyes at his own mental slip, the urge to bolt from the party seemed the best option. "I mean--"

"But you do make me happy." Ellie looked down, not wanting to see his face. "You always had."

"But what about Jessie?" He took her hand, pulling her away from the deck into the backyard. "I thought--"

Ellie shrugged. "Jessie is wonderful, but..." She was halted when Craig's lips crashed into hers. She froze momentarily, eventually kissing him back hungrily.

Craig pulled away briefly, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I love you, Ellie. I love you so much." He leaned in for more when the back door burst open, Jessie rushing down the stairs, holding a backpack. In a blur, he witnessed Jessie pulling Ellie away, pushing himself to the ground.

_The infrastructure will collapse  
Voltage spikes _

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing, Manning?" He kicked Craig in the stomach, trying to get a rise out of him. He turned to Ellie, hollering. "I'm so glad I forgot my bag." He chuckled. "I leave for two seconds and you go running off with his asshole?" He kicked Craig again, to Ellie pleading against it.

"Stop it!" She pushed him back, fresh tears covering her face. "What the hell is your problem?"

"My problem? I'm sorry, maybe I'm hallucinating or were you not making out with this scum?" He nearly kicked Craig again when Ellie pulled him away. "What? How long has this been going on?"

Ellie shook her head. "It isn't like that. Me and Craig--"

Craig had gotten up during their altercation, moving away. "Ellie, I'm sorry." He looked over at Jessie. "She did nothing wrong, don't get mad at her."

Jessie flexed his fists, charging forward. "Just stay the hell away from her, alright!" At this point, more people were flocked to the back porch, watching on as the three stood at a tense distance.

Craig noticed Spinner and Ashley pushing through the crowd, shaking his head. "I'm sorry." After a moment's stance, he left the scene, leaving the party and everyone else behind.

_Throw your keys in the bowl  
Kiss your husband goodnight _

Ellie watched as Craig left, turning to Jessie. "You think beating Craig up is gonna fix everything?" She pushed him, wanting to hurt him back. "You think hitting him is gonna solve this?" She pushed him again, choking back tears.

Jessie grabbed her arms. "What the hell was I supposed to do? Just let him keep kissing you? Is that what you wanted?" He grabbed his hair in frustration. "What do you want Ellie?" He shook his head, chuckling despite himself. "Or better yet, who?" He looked at Ellie, plaining spent. "I thought we were past this. I thought you could finally let me be the one for you... but you're still hung up on him, aren't you?"

Ellie tried to compose herself, taking hold of her sobs. "Jessie, I..." She crossed her arms, ignoring the staring eyes that watched on. "I'm sorry." She took his hand, but he pulled away.

"You can't have us both. You can't want me when its convenient." He shook his head. "I can't take it any longer... you not being able to decide. Blowing hot and cold, saying that he was just a crush, your friend and than watching him kissing you." He backed away, lifting his hands in defeat. "This is just too much for me. Do whatever you want, Frosh." He chuckled at her petname, looking at Ellie in the moonlight. He slowly walked closer to her again, thankful for the darkened shadows that the backyard provided. Hesitantly, he kissed her gently on the forehead. "Just handle yourself when he hurts you, because he will."

Ellie felt her lip quiver, not knowing what to do. She briefly looked at their audience, thankful that they were at a reasonable distance and couldn't be overheard to easily. She nodded, facing the direction Craig had ran. Without another word, she walked, eventually breaking into a run.

_Forget about your house of cards  
And I'll do mine  
Forget about your house of cards  
And I'll do mine_

Jessie watched on, taking a breath. Looking at all the spectators, he laughed in exasperation. "Would you all buzz off already? Show's over!" He made his way through the crowd, grabbing a beer on his way and walked out the front door.

Ashley looked over at Jimmy. "Do you think we should shut this down?" She looked around, seeing everyone standing around awkwardly.

On Jimmy's nod, Spinner stood on a chair, snatching people's cups from their hands. "You heard him, folks! Party's over! If you could throw your trash into the well placed garbage bags, please. Thank you!" He pushed people toward the door, nudging others that left cups or food on the flat surfaces. "Litter is for the bitter!"

_Fall off the table,  
And get swept under_

* * *

Ellie looked up and down the street, trying to see anything that might indicate where Craig might have went. She ran for a while, hoping to find something when she froze. "The lake." Gaining momentum, she sprinted down the street, crossing the open field that led to the small lake near campus. Craig and her would often go there to study or talk after group. It was their place, and she found him by a large boulder. She approached with caution, until she was close enough to call his name. "Craig." As he turned toward her, visibly surprised, Ellie walked over to him, perching beside him on the large rock as she gingerly touch his ribs. "Are you alright?"

He looked terrible, a far cry from his usual gentle features from earlier that evening. He looked surprised to see her, but tried to hide it. He shrugged. "I've had worse beatings." He shook his head."What are you doing here?"

She looked over the dark mass of water, feeling slightly dizzy as the moon reflected off it, sitting next to him on another boulder. "Don't play stupid, Craig. It's been a long night." She wanted to reach out to him, but she kept her hands in her lap.

Craig crossed his arms, looking over at the lake. "Don't just assume I know every intention you have." He scoffed. "You dated an asshole for over a year, and I still don't know why you did that."

_Denial, denial  
Denial, denial  
Your ears should be burning_

Ellie stood up, nearly wanting to knock him down. "You don't get anything, do you? I was with him because I couldn't be with you!" She chuckled. "You were with Manny, doing whatever you two did, spare me the details, and I just couldn't continue to pine for you..." She looked up briefly at the night sky. "Do you know what I wished for that night?" She didn't wait for him to respond. "I wished for you!" She shook with fury. "I've always wanted you, you moron! And... like an idiot, I thought that you would finally open your eyes and see me... waiting for you to make the move." She watched him near her, pushing him away. "Don't." Turning away, she felt a stray tear fall.

Craig stood behind her, laying his hands on her shoulders. "Ellie... I'm sorry. For everything." He turned her around lifting her head, watching as her green eyes as they reflected the clouds from above. "I never meant to hurt you. I thought... I thought I was better off not being with you rather than hurting you." He leaned his forehead on hers, breathing her in. "I'm sorry."

Ellie scoffed. "It hurts me not being with you." They stood close together in each other's arms, afraid to move. The tension was only broken when Ellie chuckled. "You're not sorry, though."

Craig pulled away, looking confused. "Of course I am."

_Denial, denial  
Your ears should be burning  
Denial, denial_

Ellie shook her head. "No, you're not." She leaned toward him, kissing him gently. "You got the girl." With a playful tickle in her ribs, Craig pulled her toward him, holding her under the stars, knowing that their wishes finally came true.

* * *

_Corny, I know. But what's wrong with a little fluff every once in a while. More angst and some more fluff coming up!_


	16. Everything In Its Right Place

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. Too poor. **_

_A/N: Hey! I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I've been really busy with work and haven't had time to write as much as I've liked. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this next installment and be sure to check my profile page for the playlist that includes all featured songs. _

"**Everything in its Right Place"; Kid A**

* * *

The aroma of jasmine clung to the pillow as he turned over. Opening one eye, he looked over at the clock, reading it was eight in the morning, groaned inwardly as he sunk further into the mattress. He hated getting up, searching for anything to have an excuse to stay in his cotton-covered world, surrounded by the scent of her and the warmth of her small hand that always found his wrist in the middle of the night, pulling his arm around her torso. He scooted closer to her, watching as the small hairs on the back of her neck prickled under his breath, causing him to chuckle. "Morning."

_Kid A _

_Kid A_

Ellie mumbled softly. "Morning." She flipped over, her small eyes crinkled in its corners. "What time is it?"

"To get up." He moved his eyebrows playfully, sliding his hand over her stomach, stroking it tenderly. "Come on, sunshine. Time to give God your glory."

Ellie snorted, taking his hand into hers. "That really isn't gonna work on me, I hope you know that."

"I do. But this might..." He pulled her closer, nibbling on her earlobe, finding her irresistible as she pushed him away.

"Fine, I'm up, I'm up." She sat up higher in the bed, pulling the covers back. "I hate this new work schedule."

"Well, most people have to be at work by nine. Not really a new concept." He shook his head as he watched her stumble around the foot of the bed, looking for something.

Ellie bent down, picking up a flip-flop under the bed. "Fascists." She smirked at Craig's snorting, making her way into the bath.

_Everything _

_Everything_

_Everything_

He heard the show go on, rubbing his eyes as he got his clothes together for the day. He knew she was nervous about that morning, her first board meeting at the magazine was today, her presentation she had been working on all week had been leading up to it. He knew it as well as she did, having worked on it with her the previous night. He was completely confident she would do well, but as always, Ellie needed that extra reassurance she was all but too keen to ask for.

As he was going in the sock drawer, finding a pair of Ellie's panties with a pink frog in it, the phone rang. "Hello."

"Hi, Craig."

Craig looked down at the phone briefly before rushing across the room to close the door of the bathroom before speaking again. "Ashley... hi."

She chuckled over the phone. "Yes, hi! Gosh, it's so good to talk to you. It's been, a really long time." She chuckled some more. "How you been?"

"Uh, good. Great. You know, been pretty busy, with the label and everything. But I'm doing really good."

"That's awesome. I actually called because I'll be in town tomorrow. My band is playing a last-minute gig at the Green Ravine, you know, by Campbell. Anyway, I was gonna come up early, catch with the old gang. I was just gonna call Ellie, you know her new number? Her last one I think doesn't work anymore." There was some static on the phone, movement being caused on her end. "I know she gave it to me, but I can't find the letter it was in and I think I deleted her email by mistake." There was another bang from her end. "Crap."

Craig took a seat on the edge of the bed, looking around the room as Ashley continued to make a racket on the phone. "I have her number if you want to talk to her. She might be at work though, but I have that number too."

"Oh, that would be great. Thanks. Just a sec." There was some more noise, a crash. "Shit, I think I just brought the lamp." Another giggle and she was back on the phone. "Okay, what it is?"

After Craig gave her the number, he exhaled. "So, you wanted to get together?"

"Yeah, I mean, we haven't all hung out in a really long time, like... since high school. I mean, that was what, six years ago. I can't believe that much time went by." She was silent for a moment, coming back. "I actually wanted to talk to you too. If we could maybe get a drink, after the gig or something?"

Craig's mouth went dry as Ellie walked out the bathroom, wearing only a towel as her wet hair clung to her forehead, her shiny shins glistening in the bright morning sun. She give him a gentle smile as she left the room, heading for the hall closet. "Uh, yeah, sure. Sounds great."

"Awesome. So, I'll see you tomorrow than. I'm about to call Ellie, so I'll talk to you later. Bye!" She was off instantly, Craig's heartbeat throbbing in his ears. Ashley Kerwin called him... after three years of nothing but the random email or text message, just out of the blue. He shook his head, so like her to drop in when it was convenient. They were both musicians, even touring in the same towns, but they hadn't seen each in years. He tensed up when Ellie walked into the room again, looking fresh and clean, bringing him back to Earth again.

_Everything in its right place_

"Who was on the phone?" She sat next to him on the bed, looking curious.

She looked so professionally in her little black vest and white-collared shirt she insisted on ironing the night before. He couldn't tell her now, the stress alone would ruin her confidence for the meeting. He waited a moment before speaking again. "Uh, Stan. He said I had to get to the studio earlier today. He had some new samples he wanted to test out." He swallowed hard, not liking to lie about Ashley coming to town. She would find out soon enough.

"Oh, okay. Well, I better head out." She pushed his chin up slightly as she kissed him on the lips briefly. "Love you."

"You too." He licked his lips as she breezed out of the room, down the hall and out the door. He got up from the bed, watching as she walked to her car in the small parking lot, and drove off to the office. He banged his head on the window, loathing the next 36 hours until he could get seeing Ashley over with.

_In its right place_

_In its right place_

_In its right place_

* * *

Ellie paced back and forth in the board room, hearing the other employees filter in. She had rehearsed the speech on the drive to work that morning, knowing every pause and motion she would make, her charts all ready to be shown. She really enjoyed making the boards, even kidding around with Craig and pretending they were representing other things like new records that were good compared to the ones that sucked. She smirked as her coworker and friend, Beth, walked in, giving her a reassuring wink before taking a seat toward the back.

When the editor walked in, closing the door, she nodded at Ellie. "I see you're ready to begin, Ellie?"

"Yes, Gwyneth." She faced the room, all twenty-three members of the editorial staff awaiting her to speak. "Good morning, everyone." She paused as everyone said their salutations. "I would like to talk about our newest feature that we proposed in our last meeting. 'Local Artists', a monthly installment of new bands from large and small markets, from festivals to small club gigs. I believe this could bring us ahead of the competition, what blog sites have been doing on a small scale, but I think we can take it to the next level." She paused briefly, seeing Beth nod encouragingly before she continued. "Okay, I think the first city we should feature is Athens, Georgia, home of such bands as: R.E.M and Neutral Milk Hotel."

_Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon_

"You did wonderful in there, kiddo." Beth nudged Ellie playfully after the meeting ended, the room now only holding them. "I knew you'd do well."

Ellie shrugged, putting away her graphs in her portfolio. "Yeah, I know, it's just... it was the first time and I'm still a little worried about the feature. I mean, 'Local Artists'? Everybody does it already."

"What are you talking about? You just spent an hour talking about how it would change the way people review indie bands, from their cities, not they're genres."

"Yeah, I know, it's just... it seems really silly now all of a sudden." She hook her head. "I guess I didn't think it would go that well."

"But it did, and that's all that counts." She gave Ellie a one-armed hug. "Wanna go to lunch and celebrate?"

Ellie felt a smile tug on her lips. "Yeah, definitely." She grabbed her final papers. "I'll see you later than." She hurried to her cubicle, looking over at the stack of messages from that morning. She skimmed the pile when a name popped out from the slips. She pulled it out, feeling her throat constrict. "_Ashley_?" She grabbed her phone, dialing the number.

After three rings, someone answered. "Hello?"

"Ashley, it's Ellie."

"Oh my God, hi! How are you?"

Ellie cleared her throat, hoping it wouldn't come out as a squeak. "Oh, I'm good. You know, working and all." She rolled her eyes, clearing her throat. "What's up?"

"I'm gonna be in town tomorrow night for a gig. I'm actually heading up there tonight and crashing at Paige's before tomorrow when the rest of the band is coming up from Baltimore. The label wanted to set me up with a hotel room, but I just wanted to have that 'coming home' feeling, you know?"

"Yeah, sure." She looked through the stack, seeing two messages from Paige and one from Marco. "Does anyone else you're coming up?"

"Oh, you know. The usual suspects. But I was thinking we could all meet up for dinner or something. Maybe drinks after the gig. I have tickets for everyone, so it can be really fun, all of us together again."

"Yeah, sounds wonderful." She bit her lip, trying to calm the churning of her stomach. "So, I'll see you later?"

"Absolutely. I'm so excited. It's been way too long." She clicked off before Ellie could respond. She collected herself, taking a few cleansing breaths. She thought about Craig that morning, his look of worry as she passed him in a rush. She picked up the phone to call him, hanging it up before she dialed. "Just relax. It's just Ashley. She's not going to kill you for dating her ex. It was forever ago." She looked around, hoping no one overheard her small pep-talk. Picking up the receiver again, she dialed. "Marco?"

"Finally! I thought you might have fainted from shock or something about Ashley."

"No, I had the big, important, life-changing meeting today, remember?"

"Oh yeah! How'd it go?"

"Really well. They loved it apparently. It's gonna be in next month's issue."

"That's fabulous, El! I knew you'd do amazingly. So, have you told Craig?"

"No. He likes to keep secrets, anyway." She resented Craig than, keeping something like this from her. She threw her hair into a messy ponytail, not caring about her appearance anymore.

"Maybe he didn't want to upset you, get you all wound up."

"Maybe." She grumbled under her breath, trying to organize her desk. "I can't believe Ashley's coming back, after all this time. I mean, how many years--"

"Three. All we get is the occasional email..."

"The long-winded voicemails at two in the morning..."

"The random text..." She sighed exasperatedly. "When did she get so flighty? She was always so grounded and stable and..."

"I know, but she always had the tendency to jump to conclusions, trying to shake things up in her life when things got boring. After London, she never really was the same."

"Yeah, well. She's coming back. And I'm a bitch because I'm dating Craig."

"Oh, please. You really think she's gonna be all pissed off because you're dating her ex?"

"It's Ashley." The knot in her stomach began to tighten, making her lightheaded. "Look, I have to go. But I'll call you later, okay?"

"Yeah, just... don't call Craig and yell at him. I'm sure he didn't tell you for good reason."

"Bye." Ellie hung up, walking briskly toward the back of the office, rounding to Beth's desk. "Ready for lunch?"

_Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon_

* * *

Sitting behind the soundboard, he checked his cell every other minute, waiting to hear from Ellie, figuring she would verbally slap him for not telling her about Ashley. They both confessed that it was a tricky thing, dating after all the drama that had occurred between the three of them during their youth. One leaving for London, another having a breakdown and Ellie stuck in the middle to pick up the pieces. He was going to text her when another call came through. "Spinner, hey!"

"Dude, Miss Kerwin is rolling into town. Dig that."

"I know, crazy." He scratched his head, his curls going into a frenzy. "She wants to meet for a drink after her gig." He breathed deeply. "She had something she wanted to talk to me about."

"Um, have you told Ellie yet?"

"No." He had thought about mentioning it but he wasn't sure how to approach it. _Yeah, I'm gonna go have a drink with my ex that I had once proposed to. Cool with you?_ "Yeah, I don't know if I should, you know?"

"Yeah, well, the cat's gonna come out of the bag soon enough. You two are practically engaged. I mean, the way you two are is almost nauseating."

"Nice. Look, man, I'm just gonna wing it. Are you going to the gig tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Paige is all like, 'Wanna go with me as a date?' It's like high school all over again, just... no curfews."

"Yeah, right. See ya later, Spin."

"Later." Craig clicked off, turning the phone in his hand. He was listening to a sample, the bleeps and distortion fading in and out of his ear, wondering if he shake the anxiety from seeing Ashley again.

_Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon_

It wasn't until the drive home that he knew he had to tell Ellie. He knew hiding it from her wasn't going to work and by now she had already heard it from all their friends. At times, he loved that their close-knit group were always there, but they were always there, constantly meddling in each other's lives, for better or for worse. He walked up the stairs, dreading to open the door, imaging the death stare that awaited him.

As he opened it, he looked around, not seeing anyone home. "Ellie?" Coming up with nothing, he went into the kitchen, where he found a note.

_Be back later. Had to run a few errands_

_Love you, El._

Relieved that she still loved him, he pulled out a beer, hitting the answering machine. He halted when Ashley's voice filled the room. "Hey! I didn't have your cell number but I just wanted to let you know there's this bar not to far from the venue we can meet up afterwards. Let me know if that works for you. See you soon!"

Craig plopped on the couch, some of his beer spilling on his pants. "Christ." He walked over, hitting the delete button. Suddenly, the door opened, Ellie walking in. "Hey."

Ellie grimaced, continuing to walk past into the kitchen. "I already heard the message."

"Oh."

"Yeah, so you're having drinks? That's nice." She unpacked the bag of groceries, putting them in the cupboard. "It's always nice to catch up."

"Don't be like that."

"Be like what? I'm just saying it must be nice to be so friendly with an ex." She shrugged. "I don't think I ever was that friendly with any of mine. Well, maybe Marco. But that doesn't really count since we were never really going out. But imagine if I went out for a drink with Sean... or even Jessie."

"Okay, I get it."

"No, I don't think you do. She has no idea that we're together. She broke up with you and was in a dark depression after the shit you pulled in high school. Than she goes off to London, ditching everything and everybody and swoops in whenever she feels like remembering us." She turned to face him, her face reddened from the distress. "Look, I just, I don't want her to hate me."

"She's not going to hate you. And if anything, me and Ashley... we need to talk, really talk. It's a conversation we've been avoiding for way too long and once we have it, I promise she will not hate you or me. I'm sure she's not harboring some deep seeded love for me or anything. It's just..."

"Awkward."

"Yeah." He walked over to her, opening his arms as she walked in them. "Don't be nervous."

She buried her head into his chest. "I feel like such a bad friend. I mean, I've wanted to tell her, but she's never around and when she is, all she does is talk about herself, like always and I can never get a word in edgewise."

"Yeah, well, it'll work out." He kissed the top of her head, pulling her closer. "So, what are you planning to wear?"

Ellie snorted, pulling away. "Haven't really thought about it. Black?"

"Old reliable."

"Hasn't failed me yet." She kissed him back, finishing unloading the groceries. "What do you want for dinner?"

_Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon_

* * *

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Ellie hurried to the door, flinging it open. Seeing her standing in the hallway, she loathed the way her arrival must be known by the entire floor.

"Hun, you're not even close to being ready. I mean, look at your pores. They're a fright."

"Paige, always a pleasure." She widened the door. "Won't you come in?"

Paige pushed her way inside, dropping her coat in a nearby chair. "Ashley just left my apartment. I love the girl but God, does she talk a lot. I mean, all she did was talk about some weirdo band she opened for in Barcelona for like an hour or talking about her tour that she's starting next month. Can you imagine?"

"The nerve." Ellie picked up the coat, hanging it by the door. "Paige, look. I was just about to head out to meet Marco--"

"Wearing that?" Paige looked alarmed as she skimmed her eyes over Ellie's simple black dress. "I suppose you could pull that off, maybe add a scarf for some color or piece of jewelery. Here." She took of one of her necklaces from around her neck, handing it to Ellie. "It'll make the dress look better, trust me."

Ellie shrugged, putting it over her head. "Thanks." She looked down at it, admiring it simple stone. "It's really pretty."

"Of course it is." She looked herself over in the mirror, nodding in approval. "Where's Craig?"

"At the studio. He's supposed to be meeting us there later." She grabbed her purse and her coat. "Ready?"

"Yeah, let's go support our best friend." She giggled as she grabbed Ellie's arm, walking out the door.

_There are two colors in my head_

She looked around the small venue, a few apparent fans scattered about with band tees, chattering and awaiting the band to take the stage. She was sitting off the side of the stage, getting access from one of the roadies. She was sitting on a speaker when Ashley came over, sitting next to her. "You're quiet."

"Sorry. Just kinda preoccupied."

"What's wrong? Wanna talk about it?" Ashley scooted closer, facing her. "We haven't had our talks in ages."

Ellie smirked. "Yeah, I know. I miss them." She forgot that underneath all the tension that built up in her stomach, there was a best friend that she trusted and adored for as long as she had known her. "It's just... I had a big meeting at work yesterday and now I have all these new responsibilities like researching bands, small bands from all over. It's exciting and a little overwhelming. I don't know, I'm just nervous about doing well." She was relieved to talk about it a little, being too anxious with Craig to talk about anything besides Ashley. Talking to her now however, she realized just how much she had actually missed her.

Ashley pulled her into a hug. "I'm so proud of you. It was that local bands feature you emailed me about last month, right?"

"Yeah, I didn't think you'd remember."

"El, this is me we're talking about. Not Paige." She chuckled, pulling Ellie in for another hug. "So, any new guys in the picture. You told me you were dating someone, being all elusive. Give me the dirt."

"Um, about that, I was actually gonna-- Craig!" She looked up, seeing him approach the two of them, looking slightly sentimental, clearly seeing their closeness. "Hey!"

"Hey." He chuckled as Ashley turned to him. "Hey, Ash."

Ashley stood up, walking into his open arms. They embraced briefly, giving her a small peck on the cheek. She pulled away, smiling widely. "Craig Manning. God, you look great."

"So do you." He looked back at Ellie, seeing her eyebrows perk up. "I mean, how have you been?"

"You know, touring. It's been crazy. Just got back from Baltimore and before that, we were in Europe for two months." She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure Ellie's told you everything already."

Craig tensed up quickly. "Huh? What do you mean?" He looked over at Ellie, who looked equally confused.

"I mean, you guys are friends, right? I figured she kept you up-to-date with me and everything."

"Oh, right. Yeah, Ellie and me chat about you." He winked over at Ellie, causing her to snort.

Ashley looked back and forth at their mannerisms, smirking slightly. "I better get ready. Go out and get some good seats." She gave Ellie another quick hug. "We'll talk more later." She gave Craig a hug as well, whispering. "Us too."

Craig could feel a trail of goosebumps run up his arms, knowing only Ashley could make him get uptight. "Yeah, okay." He stood by Ellie as they watched Ashley approached the stage, getting her microphone checked again. "You okay?"

"Yeah. You?"

He grabbed her hand briefly, squeezing it. "Yeah."

_I have two colors in my head_

* * *

It was after the performance, everyone chatting in the private back room, surrounding a long table, food covering every inch of it as Ellie watched Ashley and Craig talk quietly in the corner. She felt someone behind her, looking up. "Hey."

Spinner took a seat next to her, offering some shrimp puffs. "You're all flushed."

"Yeah, thanks for noticing." She crossed her arms, watching as they spoke.

"You aren't jealous, are you?"

"No, of course not." Ellie rolled her eyes, snatching a shrimp puff from his plate.

"If it's any consolation, Craig's crazy about you. You don't have anything to worry about." He squeezed her shoulder, before standing up again. "Hey, and Ellie?"

She looked up. "Yeah?"

"I like your necklace." He pointed down at the large charm around her neck.

"It's Paige's."

"Thought it looked familiar." He chuckled, heading over to Paige and giving her some of his food.

Ellie watched as Craig and Ashley walked out of the room, most likely heading off to the bar. She pulled at the necklace, walking over to the bar. "Vodka tonic, please."

* * *

Ashley walked ahead of him into the small bar breezily, humming one of her songs as they walked to the counter. "Two Rum and Cokes, please." She took a seat on a stool, Craig taking the one next to her. She looked over at him, slightly glassy-eyed from the three beers back at the venue. "Do you remember that song you wrote for me in Grade 10?"

Craig chuckled, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, I do remember... quite vividly." He could feel himself blush under her watchful eye. It was hard to shake the glow that surrounded her, aware that she was the most beautiful woman in the room. "Why?"

Ashley shrugged, sipping her drink. "I guess it's just... things that like and how much they meant to me, you know? How that song was the epitome of romance to me." She slouched over the bar more, looking at the mirror across the bar. "I guess being around you like this and than seeing us in that mirror, all the time that went by and where we are now... it's just kinda weird." She turned to him again, a gentle smile on her face. "You bring me back to that time."

"Yeah, you do too." He felt her hand slink into his, not pulling away. "Ashley..."

"I'm engaged."

_What, what is that you tried to say?_

"What?" He pulled away his hand, shaking his head. "You're... engaged?"

"Yeah." She pulled something out of her pocket, putting a diamond ring on the table. "He proposed to me three nights ago. He lives in New York and is perfect."

"That's... that's amazing, Ash! I'm so happy for you." He pulled her into a hug, giving her a squeeze. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

Ashley's bottom lip trembled, meeting Craig's eyes. "I didn't want to tell anyone until I told you first."

Craig shook his head. "I don't understand. Why?"

"Are you kidding?" Ashley laughed out loud as she downed the rest of her drink. "You are still as oblivious as you ever were, aren't you?" She snorted, taking his hand. "You were the first person I ever wanted to be with forever. When we were together, I saw forever in you. And it scared me. And I'm still surprised the effect you have on me. For a long time, I thought you were the one that got way, the one that I was supposed to be with. But than, I met Lawrence. And everything changed." She picked up the ring again, sliding it on her left ring finger. "Did you ever feel that way with me?"

"Yes." He chocked back the sudden emotion that crept over him as he watched her examine her ring. "What was it that changed everything."

_What, what was that you tried to say?_

Ashley shrugged. "I don't know. I guess... maybe it was the way he snores when he sleeps next to me and hearing it in the morning, I don't care where I am because I'm home with him. Or when we're walking down the street, he takes my hand and just holds it and I instantly feel safe. But I think it's when we're in a crowded room... he looks at me like no one exist outside of us. I feel whole with him around. He's the void I've been missing." She took Craig's hand again, looking at him with affectionate eyes. "It's the best feeling in the world."

Craig thought about the previous morning, Ellie's red hair catching the sun's rays. How her smile made his heart race faster than he could breathe. How the smell of her hair made him feel more at home than anything he had ever possessed. How she seemed to light every fraction of his life by simply existing. He wanted her than, longed to be holding her hand instead of his old flame's. He took a deep breath, clearing his throat. "I'm dating Ellie."

_Tried to say_

_Tried to say_

Ashley nodded, laughing under her breath. "I _knew_ it." She patted his hand with her left, the ring catching the lights from above the bar. "Well, let me be the first to say it's about time."

Craig blinked his eyes, shaking his head. "What? You're not angry?"

"Angry?! Why would I be angry? We haven't dated in _years_... why would you think I would be angry?"

"I don't know. Ellie just thought that we were a couple and that she was a bad friend for dating her best friend's ex." He rolled his eyes, realizing how childish they both were being about it.

"Do you really think I'm Paige or what? I have never been that shallow and besides... you and Ellie... you're kind of made for each other."

Craig snorted. "I can't believe you're being so cool with this." He pulled her off her stool. "Come on, we better get back to the party."

Ashley smirked, pulling him to stop. "Thank you, for being so good about this. I mean, I'm so proud of you, with everything."

"Ash... it's me we're talking about." He rolled his eyes, knowing his history wasn't as clean as hers. "You can blame Ellie for that. Come on." They both walked down the street, eventually taking each other hands again. At the traffic light, Ashley nudged him playfully, continuing to walk faster to the venue.

_Tried to say_

_Tried to say_

* * *

Ellie was standing between Paige and Marco, both in a heated argument about the latest _America's Most Top Model_. "You can't be serious. Cameron was such a better model than Annex. I mean, what kind of name is 'Annex' anyway?

"How dare you? Annex was a beast, totally deserving of the title. Did you even see last week's cover shoot? She was as fierce as it gets."

"Yeah, a fierce beast alright. More like a bear."

"You are so rude. I can't believe--"

Ellie watched as Craig and Ashley walked into the room, hand in hand, pushing through Paige and Marco. She walked over as quickly as she could, feeling her own hands shake. "What's going--"

"She knows, El. It's fine." He looked down at Ashley again, giving her a quick peck. He walked over to Ellie, taking her left hand and kissing it, thinking he would put a ring on it soon enough. "Besides, Ashley has some news of her own."

Ellie looked from Craig to Ashley, seeing Ashley looking flushed at Craig's open affection toward herself. "What am I missing?"

Ashley raised her hand. "Um, I'm sorta engaged."

"Oh my God!" Ellie rushed over to her, giving her a strangling hug. "Why didn't you tell me?" She slapped her arm, pulling her away from Craig and over to everyone else, announcing the news.

Craig took a seat back at the table, watching as the two women of his life smiled and laughed as the others surrounded them with praise and love. He felt someone behind him, turning. "Hey man."

Spinner sat down, offering some cookies. "This place has the best food, man."

Craig snorted. "I bet."

They both were facing the crowd, sitting quietly until Spinner asked softly. "So, everything's good?"

Craig smirked, as Ellie turned in his direction, a smile materializing on her face, making him feel like nothing else existed outside of them. "Yeah, everything's great."

_Everything in its right place..._

* * *

_I always thought this song was about closure and the awkwardness of new beginnings, new leafs turning, and what the randomness thrown in. It's an incredible song and I hope you enjoyed it. _

_More to come, loves. --MrsBigTuna_


	17. Morning Bell

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or Radiohead. And it sucks.**_

_A/N: This is completely AU. No traces from the show. Completely my own creation. You've been warned. I have to say though, this is my favorite oneshot out of the entire collection. I'm really proud of it. And don't forget to stop by my profile for a link to the playlist so you can hear the song! Enjoy!_

"**Morning Bell"; Kid A**

* * *

Craig Manning tossed and turned in his bed, trying to escape the nightmare in his sleep. He kicked out, nearly knocking over the lamp and punched out, hitting his hand on the headboard. He tried his best to fight off his demons, but as the sun blinked through the curtains, he woke up, having to face another day in an empty bed. He pulled back the covers, recoiling slightly to the damp air in the room, wrapping them around him again. His mornings consisted of the same routine: nightmares, early morning sun and the cold damp room. It was his own personal form of hell, knowing every ending before it began and only hoping that he would be released from the pain eventually. The only trouble was... when would that be?

_Morning bell  
Morning bell  
Light another candle and  
Release me  
Release me_

He wiped his face, strolling over to the bathroom without looking at the bed. On these mornings, he found it best not to look at it, knowing that he could avoid it for a few more minutes before the utter shock attacked him in his heart when he saw the bare bed, the bare dresser and the bare room, filled of memories that seemed to stain the walls, dripping from the hangers and bled through the rugs. The laughter that once stood as a critical structure to the house crumbled beneath the foundation and could only be recovered by the kind of luxury that Craig knew not. The moments of sheer ecstasy that painted the hallways peeled off over the months, only showing the fake wooden paneling. It was a house that love built, but a house that love destroyed. He learned to hate these walls and despise the hold it had over his mind. It was only a house, but for seven years it was a home. He had many thoughts of seeing it go into flames, permanently erasing all the wasted years, but it was Ellie who it all seemed to trace back to. Where he ended, she began and like always, Craig had to clean up its mess, hoping that he could find the strength to not crumble within it.

_You can keep the furniture  
A bump on the head  
Howling down the chimney _

As he walked downstairs, passing by the envelope for the third time that morning, trying to ignore its omniscient presence, a constant reminder of the task at hand. What good would it do if he signed it now or if he signed it next week? He knew the verdict already and it wasn't in his favor. Ellie wanted a divorce. She left him, took their children, his babies, away from him. The anguish seemed to rest on his chest, leaving its marks of betrayal and infidelity across it like a jagged piece of glass. He tried to remember when everything seemed to go to hell, try to piece the puzzle together, desperately searching for an answer, a reason as to why the greatest love he ever had seemed to bring the greatest pain.

* * *

_**One Year Before:**_

Craig came back from New York, driving home from the airport when he saw Ellie on the front porch, laughing with a man. He felt odd seeing her so social, remembering back in college when she was anything but. He only got close enough to see her striking beauty after watching her in the practice room in the music building so many years ago. Shaking away the memory he walked up, seeing her face fall slightly, but recovering with a warm embrace. "Welcome home." She snuggled closer to him, but there seemed to be something false within her arms. He kissed her temple, trying to remember what her love felt like, and as soon as the doubt appeared, it vanished. "I missed you."

Craig smiled into her hair. "I missed you too." He watched the man on the porch looking at them, feeling predatory. Extending his hand, "Craig Manning."

The man stood up. "Gavin Mason. I just moved in down the street." He smiled at Ellie. "I have a son your daughter's age."

Ellie smiled. "Yeah, he goes to Madelyn's school. I met him last week at the PTA meeting." She used that tone that she always used when she talked about PTA meetings or bake drives or charity benefits. She hated the whole lot of them, always putting on a smile that only Craig understood, their own little inside joke that no one was wise to. "The kids are inside watching _The Lion King_, so we were having some tea out here. I can make some more if you want some."

Gavin shook his head. "I actually should get going. I have to take Spinner to his mother's tonight."

"Spinner?" Ellie chuckled as Craig looked confused.

Gavin chuckled as well. "He's actually Gavin Jr., but his mother, Paige and I call him Spinner. It was my nickname during my childhood and the kid kinda got stuck with it."

Ellie chuckled. "Imagine why?" The two both shared a laugh, leaving Craig feel slightly alienated. It wasn't until Gavin came out with little Gavin that Craig got the joke. He was a spitting image of him.

He gave Ellie a quick hug. "Thanks again, Ellie." He held the smile a little too long for Craig's comfort, but smiled in his direction. "It was nice meeting you, Craig." Ellie followed him to the car, as Craig watched their body language. He had never seen Ellie so comfortable with anyone besides himself and their mutual friend, Marco from college, before. He tried to not let it get to him, but as he watched Madelyn wave goodbye and the broad smile on Ellie's face as Gavin drove away did he feel like a second class citizen.

"Is anyone gonna say 'Hi' to me?" He asked playfully, but he felt almost as if it were truth. But the sight of his little Madelyn running into his arms was enough to erase whatever fear he had over the closeness of the new neighbor.

_Release me  
Release me  
Please _

* * *

_**Four Months Later:**_

Craig and Ellie walked into the darken house. They eventually found Gavin on the couch with Madelyn and Spinner, all sleeping in front of the television. Ellie smiled as she gently nudged Gavin from his slumber. "Wakey, wakey."

She gathered up Madelyn as Gavin stirred. "Sorry... must have drifted off." He smiled when he saw Ellie and Craig. "What's up, guys?"

Craig had gotten acquainted with Gavin over the past couple of months, finding they had plenty in common, including music. When Gavin had heard that he was _the _Craig Manning who wrote scores of classic hits over the past decade did they become even friendlier. "Hey man. How were the kids?"

"They were good, you know. Being little rascals. Besides, they helped me on my project today for the Cherrio's account." He pulled up Spinner, holding him close. "David's in the bed sleep. Madelyn and Spin helped me bathe him and stuff. Good times."

"Well, thank you again, Gavin. You're a real lifesaver." Ellie patted him on the arm, but lingered for the briefest of moments.

"Of course. But you should keep an eye on your Madelyn. She has serious potential in advertising." He chuckled, watching her nestle closer to Ellie's neck. "How was the ceremony?"

Ellie smiled up at him. "Craig got an award." She looked down slightly, sending Craig a mixed vibe. "The usual." She chuckled, but there seemed to be something far more sinister behind her pearly whites.

Gavin patted Craig on the arm. "Nice one, dude. I knew you'd do great." He pulled Spinner closer to his chest. "I guess I better get going." He waved as Ellie walked him out. "See you later, man." Craig watched on as Ellie spoke softly to Gavin in the dark, flooding images into his psyche, but was halted by the sweet smell of Ellie's shampoo as she handed Madelyn over to him. "I'm gonna check on Davy." She gave him a quick peck and a squeeze of the hand before ascending the stairs, leaving Craig quite unsure of where he stood.

_Release me  
Release me_

* * *

_**One Month Later:**_

Ellie walked out of the bathroom, smelling of jasmine and vanilla. She slid into the bed, fluffing her pillow as Craig pulled her closer. "Hey."

Ellie smirked, leaning away to put some lotion on. "Hey." She gave him a peck on the nose as if he were five, shutting off the light.

Craig reached over and turned it back on. He sat up, crossing his arms waiting for her to react. As expected, she looked at him with an intrigued expression. "What's up with you?"

He sighed, not exactly sure how to phrase. "We haven't had sex in two weeks. What gives?" _Delicate much?_

Ellie scoffed. "We've had sex more recently."

Craig crossed his arms. "Like when?"

"Last week. Me and you on the couch after Madelyn and David went to Joey's for the weekend." Ellie smirked. "But someone couldn't last that long if I'm remembering correctly."

"Hey! There was a squeaky toy under my knee. Every time I banged, it squeaked." He tried to hold back his laughter when Ellie started to snort. "Stop laughing!" He tickled her until she she pleaded for him to stop. Looking over her, he couldn't imagine anything more beautiful. "I love you so much, you know that?" He found it irresistible how he could make her blush after years of marriage. He leaned in, kissing her collarbone. "You're so beautiful." He continued to kiss her when Ellie got extremely hot.

She jumped up suddenly, pushing him back. "I'm sorry." Her face was flushed as if something lit a fire under her rear. "I think I'm coming down with something." She sniffed slightly, trying to give him a smile. She kissed him gently on the temple. "Maybe we can try again when I'm not feeling so badly. Goodnight." She turned off the light, leaving Craig to his thoughts of supple skin and cherry-colored hair.

_Where'd you park the car  
Where'd you park the car_

* * *

_**Two Months Later:**_

Ellie stood into the kitchen, rinsing out a glass from her wine. She had her back away from Craig who was sitting at the table, scribbling notes in his pad. He was feverishly jotting something down when he noticed Ellie dazed off. She was looking outside the window, slowly washing the glass, but not attentive. He smirked, walking behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. He adored moments when the kids were asleep and it was just them again, a couple in love and nothing more. They could pretend that parenthood was only for people with graying hair, not the songwriter and the photojournalist. He never thought they would ever procreate, figuring that they could never be intrigued after their respective childhoods, but it wasn't what they lacked that set them apart, it was what they had together. He held her closer to him, gently rubbing her stomach when Ellie seemed to push away. She stood up straighter, not making any eye contact as she put the glass away. Craig backed off, not sure what do say. Ellie turned around however, taking his hand and pulling him into her arms. "I'm sorry. Just had a chill down my spine." She looked up at him, her patented smirk on her lips. "Must be that stupid draft from the window."

Craig nodded, thinking he felt something more in her vacant expression than a simple chill. But he smiled, kissing her nose. "I'll fix it, I promise." He kissed her again and as she wrapped her arms around his neck, he was reminded how they ended up with two beautiful children.

_Clothes are on the lawn with the furniture_

* * *

_**One Month Later:**_

"And it's supposed to start next week. A week in Milan, a week in Venice, and two weeks in Paris." Ellie practically jumped out of her skin with joy. "It's only for a month and we can bring the kids with us. It's summer anyway and we need the vacation. It'll be wonderful. I haven't been to Paris since before Madelyn was born." She jumped into Craig's lap, more upbeat than she had been in months. "Just think, the four of us in Europe. It'll be perfect."

Craig smiled because she seemed so happy. She hadn't done any major work since before David was born, taking some time off that eventually became doing freelance with some publications in the States and throughout Canada, but she had missed the adventure they had in their youth, the way they could just take off at a moment's notice and how Ellie was traveling the world with the camera in her hand. He missed those smiles and he only saw them now when Madelyn played on the piano or when David learned a new word. It wasn't that the little things weren't amazing, but he saw the Ellie he loved fade slightly. "I'm in if you are."

"Oh, Craig!" She wrapped her arms around him, kissing him all over his face. "I'll call Gavin." She kissed him again and raced to the phone in the kitchen. Craig tried not to eavesdrop, but over the months, Ellie and Gavin had gotten closer, going to soccer games with Madelyn and Spinner, going to PTA meetings together and even volunteering for neighborhood watch a few days out of the month. He liked that Ellie had someone she could talk to since Marco left for New York three years before and only made the usual holiday visits, but there were instances when Ellie seemed to smile the most in discussion of Gavin than anything else. He tried to blow it off, thinking that Ellie had the tendency to cling unto good people, and he knew that Gavin was a good person. But as she laughed over the phone, twisting the chord like a schoolgirl with a crush only did Craig have second thoughts.

_Now I might as well  
I might as well_

* * *

_**Three Weeks Later:**_

Craig grabbed his hair, trying to restrain himself. "You have to be joking, Ellie! You can't just up and leave for Paris for a week and leave me and the kids here in Venice. That wasn't the deal!"

Ellie crossed her arms. "I didn't plan for this, Craig. I'm sorry, but the producers of the shoot need me on location. I'm constantly gonna be on the move, hardly around and I just thought it would be better if you just stay here with the Maddie and Davy until it's all over." She crossed the room, separating herself from him. "It'll be over before you know it."

Craig looked at her, trying to see if she was looking at him. He had did a little experiment over the past weeks, to see if Ellie would touch him, voluntarily. She hadn't in a week. "But Gavin gets to see you, right?"

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Of course. He's the director of the campaign. He has to be there."

"Oh, how convenient?" He walked over to the balcony of the hotel room, looking over the river that stood outside the window.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Ellie crossed the room again, shutting the door to the children's room.

"What do you think it means, Ellie!" He stood closer to her, refusing to touch her. He needed to know if she wanted to touch him. He hollered. "You--"

"Shh! You'll wake the kids." Ellie checked the children's quarters, making sure it was closed off.

Craig rolled his eyes. "Like you care. You haven't cared about them or me since you got here! You spend every waking moment with that man. You drag us out here so you can have a fucking Roman Holiday with this guy! I can't believe I've been so blind... or maybe I knew it the whole time and just denied it."

Ellie turned beet-red. "What are you insinuating?"

Craig chuckled. "Don't give me more bullshit, alright! It's over. It's out. Just admit!"

Ellie stood very still, not hardly breathing. She tried not to break eye contact, but there was a tremble of her bottom lip that made everything clear. She looked down, seemingly ashamed. "He believes in me, Craig."

"Excuse me? Did you say what I think you just said?" Craig couldn't form a thought, completely bewildered at her declaration. "And I _don't_?"

"When was the last time that you encouraged me to pursuit my career, huh? Have you tried at all to give me some motivation, some kind of drive? Do you even know that I applied to different agencies, trying to get back out there? You have no _fucking_ idea what I've been doing... and you don't care!" Ellie was flushed all over by than, tears streaming down her face as she trembled. "All you care about is the next _Juno_ or next _Grammy_ you can fit on the mantel. You don't give a shit what happens to _my_ career. God forbid it'll take the spotlight off you!"

A violent surge of hatred crossed the room, sending shockwaves throughout the hotel room, landing squarely in Craig's chest. "How can you say such a thing. I care what happens to you. Of course I do. But you never let me in. You're so pissed off that I don't inquire, but how am I supposed to know if there's anything_ to_ inquire."

"You never talk to me." She balled up in a corner of the room, looking completely lost in her large nightgown. Her red hair laid on her shoulders, giving the glow of the room the illusion of warmth that it lacked. In reality, Craig never felt so cold in all his life. He wanted to touch her, ached to hold her, tell her that he loved and adored her and wanted nothing more than her happiness, but he felt it in the pit of his stomach a truth that was too painful to vocalize. She looked up than, seeing the words scribbled on his face. "I'm sorry. But Gavin talks to me. He--"

"Don't ever say his name in my presence again." He nearly wanted to hit her than, just to give back the utter torture that was building inside for months. "Do whatever you want, El. But I'm going back home."

Ellie jumped up than, grabbing his hands. "Please... I'm sorry--"

Craig yanked them away, fearing her touch would only deepen the wounds that she slashed on him. "I'm taking the kids home. Do whatever you want to do with your_ precious_ Gavin." He grabbed his jacket and left the room. As he walked out onto the street, he pulled out one of his remaining solaces, lighting a cigarette and sucking in its toxic fumes, hearing a buzzing in his ears like an alarm that seemed to deafen all thoughts but hate.

_Sleepy jack the fire drill  
Round and round and round_

* * *

_**Two Months Later:**_

Craig was in his home office, going over their counseling session from earlier that afternoon. Ellie had suggested it after she came home two days after Craig and the kids left Venice. She wanted them to work out, and she had apologized profusely for her antics, never confirming or denying any altercations with Gavin Mason. They slowly seemed to get closer, Ellie touching him whenever she was in arm's length, kissing him and trying to make love, only succeeding twice over the last two months, both weren't nearly as romantic or intimate, feeling as if it were an obligation instead of a declaration of love. She had stopped going to soccer games with Gavin, only seeing him the brief moments in the evening when he would pick up Spinner for play dates, feeling it wasn't necessary to break up the friends that the children made.

Craig turned when he saw Ellie, leaning on the doorframe. "Hey."

"Hey." He turned away from her, avoiding her glare as he replied to some emails. "Kids in bed?"

"Yeah, I just put Maddie down. Davy's still a little restless, but he had a busy day today." She smirked, the kind of smirk she only put on when she talked about their children. It was the only time she smiled these days in his presence. He would be a fool if he didn't admit that the light that seemed to surround her in his mind faded weeks ago, not after their fight in Europe, but after she stopped seeing Gavin. She seemed like she lost her best friend all over again and he wanted so much to be able to make her shine again, but something told him that marriage counseling wasn't going to fix what was already broken. It was until Ellie sighed that made Craig turn her way. She held a weary expression, similar to a person at the end of their rope. "What are we doing?"

Craig rubbed his face, fatigue coming over in waves. He was simply tired of the 'Ellie Nash rollercoaster'. "I thought we were trying to save our marriage. It was your bright idea, anyway."

Ellie walked deeper into the room. "Nice. Blame me, like always. Like you were the victim in all this!"

"And you_ were_? You're the one, yanking our family to goddamned Europe for two weeks so you could fuck around with your little loverboy, doing God knows what!"

"I never cheated on you." And there it was. She didn't look up at him when she spoke the words, but he knew that it was a lie. He knew Ellie, rather she liked to admit it or not. He could read her like a book, knew her coutures, knew her words and he knew when she lied. She never quite mastered the art of lying and for good reason too. There was a lot that happened with them, not only fights and bickering, but the rare moments when he could see through her facade. This was one of those moments. "But I can't love you anymore. I'm tired of trying to make it work with you." She looked up, tears streaming down her face. "I've lost myself along the way and I want to find me again."

Craig nearly snorted. "So... who are you are right now?"

Ellie shook her head. "I don't know. But I don't like it. I don't like the person I see in the mirror. She's not me."

"I'm not her biggest fan either." He stood up, leaning on the edge of his desk. "So, now what?"

Ellie backed off, leaning on the door. "I think we should separate for a while, give ourselves time to really think on what we want... need to do."

Craig chuckled to himself, feeling the bile rise in his throat. "You think this is some kind of television show, where we 'take a break' and think things through? What the _fuck_ happened to you, Ellie? Has that dick really gotten to you. I bet you were practically begging for it--"

Ellie slapped him across the face. "You sick bastard! How dare you talk to me that way?! Who the hell do you think you are? Perceive to be so holier-than-now..." She shook her head. "You never wanted to be a husband. Just a partner. You expect me to be your rock and backbone, but what the hell do I have?!" She walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Craig rubbed his cheek, not sure what to do with himself. He sighed, taking a pillow from the hall closet and sleeping on the couch.

_Cut the kids in half  
Cut the kids in half _

As he left the studio the next day, he got a call from one of his neighbors. "Hey Craig, you didn't tell me you were moving?"

It took no time to get home, only to find his few remaining belongings and the rooms, left with furniture and a single note.

_Me and the kids are alright._

_I hope you can understand that we need to think about us and separate._

_I'll call you soon._

_Ellie._

_Cut the kids in half... _

* * *

_**Present Day:**_

Maybe it wasn't too difficult to trace everything back to when it all fell apart. He had tried blaming it all on Gavin, but he could have easily been another person, another reason for her to leave. Somewhere along the way he tripped up and lost her, not as seamlessly like in the movies but just as effective. He lost her for whatever reasons and a part of him wanted her back. He missed her laughter, her smell and he missed those small little smiles he could only make appear, sending him the greatest warmth he ever experienced. He pulled into the driveway, trying to avoid his chatty neighbor, just trying to escape the voices and possibly write tonight.

And there it was again, hitting him straight in the groin, grinding it as if in a vice and there was nothing he could do about it. The light brown envelope, howling like a poltergeist, distracting him from his writing, leaving him to wallow in the cesspool of grief and anger. How could he have not seen it coming? He asked himself repeatedly over the last two weeks when he was served the divorce papers during a meeting at the studio. He had just gone over the final touch-ups of a song with one of the label's newest artists when some stately woman with a brown briefcase and black patent-leathered shoes walked in with his new little friend. Bobby, the head producer didn't say a word and Jill, his assistant only offered her apologizes for letting the woman pass her without a thorough explanation to her arrival. But as such, he took it home, afraid to open it and release whatever spirit possessed it, whatever power it had over his mind and the fact that he hadn't written a single lyric during its tenure.

He sat at the table where it laid, going over the small war he was having with it, determined not to break. But there it was, staring back at him, mocking him, toying with his emotions, a symbol of what seven years and eight months of his life came to. He walked over to his wetbar, pouring a glass of scotch that he got as a wedding gift from a distant cousin. Ellie and him had agreed to open it on their twentieth anniversary, prepared to get completely smashed. Breaking that promise a week ago, he unscrewed the top, finishing it off. He drained the last contents, snatching up the envelope and tearing off the top. He flipped through the pages, seeing her name and his own, and the dotted line. "Here we go." He closed his eyes, signing it.

_I wanted to tell you but you never listened  
You never understand  
I wanted to tell you but you never listened  
You never understand  
Cos I'm walking walking walking..._

He jumped in his car, knowing that he was a little more than drunk to drive, but he had to get it out of his house. It had taken full control for two weeks, sucking out every shred of self-respect he had left, not denying the contamination it held over his home. He swerved slightly in and out of lanes, but it was a quiet night in Toronto, not many people were out. He drove past the brick houses, the lights on while the families sat inside. He wanted to be a part of that world again, a part of something real, but as he drove up the street to her new residence, he couldn't remember when he last was. He froze when he saw his car. He was there... with his children... children he hadn't seen in three days... but here he was, with her. He thought about kicking the back bumper like he once saw in an old teen flick years ago, or maybe setting it on fire. The evil deeds brought a smile to his face, but he pushed on, walking past it toward the door.

_The lights are on but nobody's home  
Everybody wants to be a  
The lights are on but nobody's home  
Everybody wants to be a slave  
Walking walking walking... _

He rang the doorbell, waiting for it to open when it finally did. And there he was. He answered the door. "Craig?"

"Hello, Gavin. Not surprised to see you here." He squeezed his fist, clenching tighter to the envelope. "Is Ellie around?"

Gavin almost instantaneously began to perspire. "Look man, I'm only here as moral support. Me and Ellie--"

"Can drive off into the sunset now or scoop up wild daffodils in a meadow. Whatever's your fancy." He shook his head, trying to repress the oncoming hysterical laughter. "Now, I'll ask you again... is my wife here?"

Gavin involuntarily flinched at the word 'wife', nodding. "Yeah, let me go get her." He closed the door slightly, just enough so Craig couldn't see inside. Within a few seconds, Ellie appeared, looking five years younger. The healthy glow that was once so infectious seemed to return to full light, making her look almost angelic. Her hair was in a messy ponytail and a smudge of something blue was on her cheek.

"Craig... hi." She provided the first smile in his company in weeks, making him ache inside. "What are you doing here?" She noticed Craig looking at her funny, rubbing her face. "I was helping Maddie with a school project." She shook her head, feeling silly with her appearance, but stiffened when she saw no reaction from Craig.

For an instant, he wanted her back again, just so he knew that for once in his life, he was happy. That even if he denied the crumbling of his marriage for months, he could still kiss her and tell her that he still loved her and wanted her with him always. She was his wife and when he said his vows, he meant every word. He wanted to be her rock, her backbone, but over the years, the roles reversed. She wasn't what she once was, the free, beautiful bird that swooped into his life and gave him greater joy than he could ever hope to find again. She had slowly dwindled into an imitation of that, a faint memory only there for show. But as she stood there, looking more beautiful than he ever saw her, he knew it was over. If this was what she called happiness, maybe it was his happiness too. Yes, he hated what they had become, but he could never hate her. "I'm here to give you this." He handed her what was left of the envelope. The forms were still intact, but the envelope was practically ripped to shreds. "Sorry about the envelope. It wouldn't open for some reason."

Ellie took it from him and for the briefest of moments, their fingers touched. She looked down at his signature, wiping away a stray tear that had fallen. "Craig--"

"It's over, okay? You won." He looked down at his shoes, not wanting to see her cry. "I want joint custody of the kids. You can keep everything: The house, the car, whatever. It's all yours." He looked up, seeing her bite her lip as she traced his name on the paper. She looked up than, and she could read the look of pain, silently screaming the plea of 'Why?'. "I'm walking." Craig leaned forward, gently kissing her on the forehead. He paused when she pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around him. It was the first time in weeks they had been that close and as the gentle smell of jasmine and vanilla drifted into his mind, he pulled away. "I'd better go."

Ellie looked up, wiping her tears. "Craig--"

"Goodbye, Ellie." He let go of her hand, walking to the car and not looking back. He knew that Ellie would agree to joint custody and whatever necessary paperwork would be taken care of in due course, but as he turned the key in the ignition, he couldn't look back, not anymore and not ever again.

_The lights are on but nobody's at home  
Everybody wants to be a  
Everyone wants to be a friend  
Nobody wants to be a slave  
Walking walking walking..._

* * *

_Okay... I know this came off as OOC, but I think it needed to be done. Even Ellie needs to be knocked down a few pegs. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed this._

_And sidenote: I believe that the real Crellie marriage would be way less depressing. For serious. :)_


	18. Knives Out

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. Same old jazz, different day.**_

_A/N: Okay, folks. As always, read, review and enjoy this next installment. This is an AU oneshot, completely my own creation. This is also a pretty somber one, from Ellie's perspective. And also, be sure to check the playlist for all the featured songs located on my profile page. _

* * *

"**Knives Out"; Amnesiac**

It didn't hit her, not right away. She always allowed things to simmer under the blazoned sun, letting it fester until it became too obvious to ignore. She could push it away, block it out, but under all the denial and oblivion, there lied a truth that she was more than willing to diminish. Out of sight, out of mind. That's how she attacked any dilemma. As long as she could put it away, hide the problem, make it go away, she could breathe. But the trouble was, she couldn't. She felt suffocated by the emptiness. The sun didn't shine as bright and the scab didn't seem as if it was healing. As mush as she tried to rid herself with the nightmares that plagued her subconscious, the truth found her at every turn, determined to be heard and dealt with.

Days, weeks had past before she found herself on the floor of her bathroom, the razorblade deathly close to her arm, tremors that took over her limbs and tears running uncontrolled down her cheeks. It was than that she had to admit the reality that Craig wasn't coming home. He left her. It took all Ellie's strength not to inflict herself, but as she was looking over the edge, dangling on the heartstrings of a love, a life that seemed so unlike what she expected, the truth seemed like an old friend, one she abandoned when she thought for once in her life, she could have all the thing she ever wanted. It was the truth that she was Ellie Nash, and good things never really happened to her.

_I want you to know  
He's not coming back  
Look into my eyes  
I'm not coming back_

* * *

_**One Year Earlier:**_

She recently took up running after walking past a store front window and seeing her stomach bulge out slightly. She was so frightened she was positive she shaved off a few years from her life. The clarity that came from running however was something she hadn't expected. She felt if she could just run, nothing could touch her, she could outrun life's problems and obligations. But she knew she could only have one destination. Like a breath of fresh air, she rounded to her small flat in London. They had recently taken up residence there when Craig had gotten an offer to move abroad. She remembered the day when they found it, off to the side in the little neighborhood of Soho. They had lived in Soho in New York and enjoyed the irony that they found their new home in another one. But what was different about this apartment was that it was off the beaten path, almost like a secret as they could meander through the garden shared in the complex and the city that provided history and sanctuary from the headache that eventually came with living in the States.

She did miss Toronto and New York often, missing the friends at home most of all. But she had made a commitment so many years before, when she was young and naïve, when love seemed attainable and every smile he casted was only meant for her. She gave him her heart effortlessly, not wanting it back. She trusted him against her better judgment. But it was when she was with him, alone in the dark with only their whispers for company that made everything she held dear to her more real. She didn't regret following him, her career allowing her to travel freely, but there was a small parasite, lurching at her insides, making her question everything, her faith in the one thing she always believed in and as she climbed the stairs to him, she was determined to let the fears past. She needed to allow herself happiness, considering that she wasn't the kind of girl happiness ever found.

_So knives out  
Catch the mouse_

* * *

_**Two Months Later:**_

She wore red lipstick. She was two inches shorter than him and she had unrealistically perfect teeth. Not even braces could make them that straight, but there she was. Her hand on Craig's shoulder was almost a slap in the face as Ellie watched on as his new glamorous producer laughed in the corner. Craig was by her side as two of Craig's managers were smoking cigars. She had only left to go to the powder for a brief moment , checking to see her small breakout due to stress was well-covered under the harsh lights that the room provided. She ignored the little parasite that seemed hungry to fee off her insecurities. Crossing the room, she slipped an arm around his waist, smiling coyly at Ronald and Colin, assuring herself of her rightful place beside him. Her spirits lifted when she watched Katrina's hand gradually fall away.

Ronald smirked over at Ellie. "I was wondering where your lovely girlfriend went off to." He took her hand flirtatiously. "Are you sure you're fond of her, Craig? I could use another beauty around the office."

Ellie yanked back her hand, hitting him playfully on the arm. Looking up at Craig, "Don't answer." She chuckled, watching the other two gentlemen shake their heads. "Besides, I couldn't leave the magazine high and dry without any explanation."

Ronald pouted slightly. "I'm sure _Q_ would understand." They chuckled some more, but Ellie could feel Katrina's eyes linger on the two of them, their hand now clasped.

"So, are you two ever going to get hitched?" It was hard to ignore the venom that dripped off her words, hoping fr a reaction from either her or Craig.

Craig simply looked down at her, the way that Ellie had always wanted to look at her, not completely smitten, but a confidence that he had everything he needed. "One day."

_Don't look down  
Shove it in your mouth_

* * *

_**Two Months Later:**_

She stirred her tea around her cup, the clinking echoing off the walls. She had woken up in the middle of the night, and as she searched the apartment for him, he wasn't there. She realized he never made it home from the studio and figured she could get some work done. She didn't like feeling as if she was waiting up for him, hating that nagging sensation deep in the pit of her stomach, clawing at her sides, reminding her of her doubts. The tea calmed her, but only so much as the hours slipped by.

It wasn't until nearly three in the morning when he pounded into the place. She pursed her lips as he swaggered into the sitting room, looking slightly drunk. "Had fun?"

Craig flinched at her tone, walking hastily over to her, kissing her flat on the mouth. "I'm sorry, babe. I know I should have called but the guys were really riding me to go out and I _had_ to." He flourished his arms for emphasis, chuckling to himself. "And Katrina insisted too, so I figured it would be fun."

Ellie stirred her tea more rapidly, unnerved at his callous demeanor about Katrina, even her name from his lips made her stomach lurch involuntarily. "So you didn't think I wouldn't have wanted to come?"

Craig rolled his eyes as if the answer was obvious. "Of course I thought of calling you, but it was already after eleven and I figured you would be sleeping" He shrugged off his jacket, eventually taking her hand. "I'm glad you're up though. I wanted you to hear the song we put down today. A real track, El. It's been a while, I mean, I think we really nailed this one, finally." He pulled the CD from his jacket on the back of the chair. "Come on." He beckoned her over to the couch as he put the CD into the stereo. He plopped down next to Ellie, pulling her into his lap as the first few chords of the song began to blast through the speakers. She allowed herself to close her eyes, drinking in the music, but all of it seemed blocked as the subtle smell of another woman's perfume clung to Craig's shirt.

_If you'd been a dog  
They would have drowned you at birth_

* * *

_**Two Weeks Later:**_

She shook in the shower as the scolding hot water drenched over her open pores. She closed her eyes, trying to erase the violent images resurrecting from the surface, the raised voices, the hateful words, the long pauses that associated with the fights that occurred when there was high tension. She sniffled, holding back the sobs that overlapped the tremors that attacked her knock-knees, wanting to sit in the tub and curl into a ball.

She knew he was asleep in the next room, exhausted from the hollering. He hadn't apologized, and she was fearful he might not. She had debated to sleeping on the couch, but as much as she hated him, she couldn't think of spending a night without him lying next her. She stepped out of the shower, looking at her reflection in the fogged mirror. It looked distorted, pieces missing here, parts of her anatomy fogged over there. She smeared it away, giving herself a good look over. She turned from side to side, her breasts damp and goosefleshed. She tried to see what Craig saw when he looked at her, if she was still as desirable as she was in her youth. She rubbed her stomach, the skin making a slight squeaking sound from the fierce attack of hot water. She had gotten her flat stomach back, feeling more attractive than she had in months. "Thank God." She chuckled to herself, the examination going better than she thought it would. She was twenty-eight and looked good. She made one final look at herself, letting a smile reach her lips, if only for the simple acknowledgment that she was still beautiful.

After drying off and slipping into her favorite flannel pajamas, she stood next to the bed. For the first time, she was afraid to join him. He laid there, limp from exhaustion. She knew he was under pressure at the studio, his next album had a fall release date and it was already the end of May. She wanted to comfort him, tell him everything was going to be alright, but she wasn't certain it was going to be. His back was toward her, his simple curve of his hip and shoulder making slight bump under the curves. She slid under the covers, afraid to disturb his slumber, but not even receiving a recognition of her presence. It was than that she felt like a stranger in her own bed. She didn't know him anymore, not really. She knew the things that everyone else knew him knew, but nothing personal, nothing that was just theirs. She reached to touch his hair, longed to her finger hold a curl, but she pulled back. Facing the ceiling again, she let a single tear fall from her eye, inwardly promising that she would take Marco up on his offer to visit him for a few days.

* * *

_**One Week Later:**_

She had worked it out with her boss to take the trip, allowing her to move up her usual trip to New York at the end of June a few weeks. She was more than grateful for the distance between Craig that the trip provided. They had had another argument the night before, even more heated than the one weeks before. This time, Craig had thrown a plate on the wall, frightening the married couple with a one year next door. She attempted to block out the hurt look in his eyes at her, the harsh tone he told her, "Have a good flight." that morning before she went downstairs to her waiting car. For a fleeting moment, she didn't want to come back, not to the screaming, the drama, the tension that rested in the walls surrounding them. They needed time apart. She needed to focus on her work and she needed to talk to Marco. The only other part about the flight that she hated was the fact that she was restless, anxiety surging through her arms as she twisted a napkin and nursed her second drink. She tried to absorb herself in the in-flight film, but nothing seemed to settle her. It was nearly five hours into the flight that sleep came over her, hoping that Katrina's hand or her feminine perfume didn't clog her senses. By the time she landed, she practically leaped down the stairs.

"Are you sure you're not imagining things?" Marco took her hand as they sat on a bench in Washington Park. "I mean, Craig adores you."

"He used to. He has _her_ now." She felt like she was fighting for him all over again like in high school. She had invested too much in their relationship to have this happen to them. "I don't know. It's just... he's changed." She bit her lip, determined not to breakdown in front of Marco, at least not in public.

"How so?"

Ellie leaned her head on his shoulder, not keen on dispelling her deepest fears and doubts, not so early in the afternoon. She had rather had a few more drinks in her first. "He doesn't look at me the way he used to. He will go hours in the house without saying two words to me. Most days, he'll just lock himself in his office, writing or talking to Katrina. I mean, he stays at the studio longer than he did on the last album. She's always calling him at all hours and a few weeks ago... I smelled her perfume on his shirt. I had to be hers, I don't wear that brand. It wasn't mine." She paused as she watched Marco to take in what she had said.

His expression was passive, turning to Ellie. "Do you love him?"

Ellie held back the initial shock of the blatant question, nodding. "Yes." She hastily wiped away a stray tear. "I love him so much it hurts."

"Than you need to talk to him, really talk to him, not fight with him. Make him listen to you. You can't keep this all balled up inside you, El. It isn't good for you and if what you're telling me is true, you need to do it soon." He squeezed her hand again, pulling her in his arms.

Her voice came out as soft as a whisper. "You think it'll work?"

Marco shrugged. "It has to, right?"

_Look into my eyes  
It's the only way you'll know I'm telling the truth_

* * *

_**Three Months Later:**_

She was holding Craig's hand as they sat in a quiet corner, the music thumping inside Ellie's chest as the lights cascaded on the dance floor. They were at a promotional party for the label, both of them dreading it because of the people they had to see, including a musician that had been trying to make a comeback over the past few months, determined that the trip-pop ear was still alive and well, pestering the pair all evening. They had scoped out the coveted spot, enjoying their solitary moment. She snuggled closer to him, feeling more in sync with him than in recent memory as he wrapped his free arm around her.

She reflected on the past few months, the weight that had been her shoulders after confronting Craig about his indiscretions and her suspicions, finding him more steadfast to prove himself innocent and worthy of her love. It took a while for the Craig she knew and loved to return in full circle, and it was just the words, the simple declaration of his love that made her see him again, the gentle eyes that made her weak in the knees and the strong hand that gripped hers in the darkened corner they sat. It hadn't occurred to her how much she had missed him after the storm had past and she was able to know on the first glance that he was hers. They watched as Katrina walked on the dance floor with her escort, swaying to the techno music blasting through the speakers. She glanced in their directions, smiling brightly at Craig before looking at Ellie with an even grander smile. Ellie didn't feel the normal savage instincts to rip her head off in the pit of her stomach, the subtle squeeze of Craig was enough to keep them at bay. He turned to her, smirking. "You wanna get outta here?"

She perked up almost instantaneously. "Could we?"

He pulled for toward the door, looking around to see if the coast was clear, opening it and racing down the hall to where they could get to the street. They laughed like teenagers as they rushed past security, getting strange looks from attendees. She felt young again, that effortless sensation of freedom surging through her veins. It was like she was running again, the clarity, the chase, the will to keep going. She needed this. She needed him. And as they clasped hands, walking to his car, she knew that whenever she ran, she was running to him.

_So knives out  
Cook him up  
Squash his head  
Put him in the pot_

* * *

_**Two Months Later:**_

"I saw her, Craig! You can't lie abut it. I saw you two together!" She had screamed until her throat was raw, her hands shook on their own accord, tremors ripping through her body. "Tell me the truth!"

Craig couldn't look at her. He continued to look at the window. "I don't understand what you want from me. I tell you the truth and you don't believe me." He turned toward, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "What else can I do?"

"Don't stand there acting as if you're innocent." Ellie fingered her hair, wanting to rip it out, desperate to move the pain from her bleeding heart. "I trusted you! I believed in you and you lied to me. Just admit it!"

"I'm not going to tell you want you want to hear, Ellie. I'm not seeing Katrina, alright. Don't be ridiculous."

"Don't tell me what to do!" She backed up against the wall, doing her nest to keep her distance from him.

He crept closer, the agony in his eyes nearly penetrated her defenses, but she stayed firm. "I love you. What can't you see that?"

For a moment, she wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe that wasn't him with his producer, snuggled up in a small cafe in the Chelsea. She was with a work friend and she happened to glance through the window, seeing him there. She didn't mention to Paige, but she felt her stomach lurch over, the urge to vomit overcoming her and hide away from the world. He little friend, the parasite, returned with vengeance, leaving her blackened and disturbed. And there he stood, denying it as if he was a pure as white. "I love you... so much." Without another word, she went into the bathroom and locked the door.

_I want you to know  
He's not coming back_

* * *

_**One Month Later:**_

It was a quiet morning the day he left. They had reconciled shortly after the fight, Craig apologizing about what she had see. He had told her they had taken Katrina off the project and that she wouldn't interfere with them again. She had wanted to believe him, clung to the love that she had for him through the doubts that overcame it, but she had surrendered to them. She couldn't sleep in the same room with him, feeling more of a stranger more than ever. She had made excuses over the weeks, 'work needed to be done', 'couldn't sleep', 'going for a run'. She had even taken to sleeping at work a few nights, just to get proper rest. She had longed for him but every time she neared, she was repelled by the very thought of his hands around someone else. She knew he was sorry for disrespecting her, but she couldn't forgive him.

Craig noticed the distance, and he didn't take it lightly. He would go into these tantrums, nearly as bad as when he was off his medication. He would lock himself in the bedroom, not leaving for any place other than the studio and wouldn't talk to Ellie for days. On the surface, they stayed together to make things work, to be the couple that everyone seemed to envy. But in reality, they were only together because it was something familiar, clinging onto the hope that it would work itself out, that they couldn't continue like they had been. She tried touching him, even just to on the shoulder or taking his hand, but he seemed contaminated somehow. She wanted to break down the boundaries that were set up as defense mechanisms, but the trust was too damaged.

So as they had gotten ready for the day, she felt him enter the kitchen, ransacking through the cabinets until he found what he was looking for, not making a mention or acknowledging her presence. She turned to him as he walked into the room again and their eyes met. She attempted a smile as her eyes watered, tracing through the memories, the time that had passed and what they had shared. Eight years of commitment, eight years of love had led to this moment. She watched as he crossed the floor for the final time, taking her hand and kissed her forehead. "I love you."

Ellie struggled to silence a sob as she nodded. "I love you, too." And he left, leaving behind only damaged goods.

_He's bloated and frozen  
Still there's no point in letting it go to waste_

* * *

_**Present Day:**_

She never meant to keep it so huddled under the protective covers, afraid to unleash her sorrow with the world. Her work had suffered, her friends had tried to comfort her, even Marco flew out to London for a week, doing his best to persuade her to return to New York, but that didn't help matters. She couldn't admit that she was still inclined to believe that any moment he would come back to her. Her love for him was still as great as the moment she realized he was all she ever wanted. She knew it wasn't healthy, she knew she needed to move on. She had been miserable the final months they were together. She had to remind herself he left her. She could move on. She was the one that was forced to end it. He took it upon himself to leave her. And she hated how weakened her heart was, how fragile she seemed to be because of what he did. She eventually came to the conclusion that he had left her not two months ago, but five. Maybe before than. She fought off dwindling on how long the infidelity might have been, figuring remaining ignorant was best. But it was what kept her up at night, the thoughts of loving him blinding and knowing she still did.

It wasn't until one day, shortly after her breakdown when she found herself on the floor of her bathroom that she knew Craig's love was like a poison, slowing killing her. Love wasn't supposed to be like that. Love was meant to heal wounds, not open them. Love was supposed to be uplifting, not demeaning. She was meant for happiness in her life. She didn't do wrong to anyone. She deserved a life that she could claim as her own. She had walked around for months in a shell, a poor imitation of her former self and she was sick of it. And a plan formed, one of renewal, of finding herself again. Even the excitement of action brought back some color to her cheeks.

It wasn't as difficult as she thought to resign at the magazine. She would miss some of her coworkers, especially Paige, who was Canadian as well, but she needed to leave. Getting an interview at _Spin_ that following week was easier than she had expected. She had the credentials and talent and she had connections nearly everywhere. It almost seemed to good to be true, how she could begin a new life, one that she would be proud to have. She began to put the little pieces of herself back together and remembered what it felt like to smile again. She could stand on her own two feet, not leaning on someone else for support. She as an independent woman. She was ready to face the world again, bearing in mind that she wouldn't abandon the best part of her, not letting him destroy her ability to see the good in others. She still loved him and she knew she always would, but she needed this, not him. And as she flew passed the Statue of Liberty, home only minutes away, she felt that liberation she hungered for. She knew she wasn't nearly whole again, but she had to start somewhere.

_So knives out  
Catch the mouse  
Squash his head  
Put him in the pot_

* * *

_More to come. ---MrsBigTuna_


	19. Airbag

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. Not anymore.**_

_A/N: I really love this song, just saying. It's one of the few feel-good songs this band has written, so I hope you find it as uplifting as I do. As always, check out my profile page for a link to the playlist featuring each song in this collection._

* * *

"**Airbag"; OK Computer**

The cracks in the cobblestone stretched further down the street as passersby walked along, maneuvering around other patrons as the marketplace grew in size, the morning rush increasing as the sun ascended over the Berlin street, greeting the day. Ellie pulled her scarf closer to her neck as she moved around a mother and her three children, trying to get the right eggs for that evening's meal. She pointed to the necklace that an older woman was settling, looking at the turquoise stone. "How much?"

"Thirty." The woman pulled it down, walking around toward Ellie, holding the necklace closer to her. "It would be a nice fit for you, duckie. That hair of yours, brilliant." She delicately tucked a strand behind her ear. "Yes, very nice, indeed. You buy?" The woman's eye grew in size, desperate for at least one customer before the crowd began to dwindle at ten o'clock.

Ellie shook her head. "Not today, madam." She gave her a small smile, touching the necklace one last time. "Maybe later in the week."

The woman nearly grabbed Ellie by the arm if not for Ellie's fast reflexes. "But please, lovely. This is a very prized item. I would rather see it go home with a more worthy owner." She smiled showing decaying teeth from the lack of proper orthodontic care.

"Sorry. I'll be back later." Ellie turned to leave, hoping to disappear as she passed by other merchants, hocking everything from baby clothes to jewelery they robbed from someone else the previous night. She had been fascinated by the small street in Berlin when she had first moved there months before. She didn't think places like it still existed, with the storybook-like characters, wearing tattered clothes and selling fresh food in wooden crates. She picked up several apples and pears that she had become huge fan for since landing in the city. "Three, please." She looked down to pull out her wallet when something caught her eye, plastered on the side of an abandoned building.

_**Craig Manning!**_

_**One Night Only!**_

_**Tonight 9pm!**_

Her stomach lurched up to her throat, feeling the need to vomit right there next to the fresh produce she just purchased. She could feel her hands shake slightly as she handed the man her money, scurrying down the sidewalk as quickly as possible, avoiding the building's wall at all cost, fearful to see his name again, knowing it was on every inch of its side, the neon yellow words giving more light to the street than the overcast from above. She had the urge to rip them all off, hoping to destroy them as he memories of a past filled with broken promises and tearful, lonely evenings. Dashing into a local coffee shop, she exhaled, hoping a freshly-brewed coffee would calm her nerves.

_In the next world war  
in a jack knifed juggernaut,  
I am born again._

* * *

"They're ready for you on stage right."

Craig looked up from his guitar, having finally tuned the last chord that had been difficult the entire ride over form the airport. He had had a hell of a time getting out of the concord, feverishly looking for an exit away from the hordes of paparazzi that invaded every corner of the airport, seeking his face to capture for the morning paper. He still had to get accustomed to his popularity abroad, not receiving not nearly the same welcome on his own country's soil. He chuckled at the irony as his drummer walked past. He looked over at the stage as everyone was setting for the sound check, readying himself for the local alternative rock radio station to announce him for the small crowd of fans that had lined up to get to hear some selected songs for the warm-up. He enjoyed them, but his mind was elsewhere.

He knew she was in this city, somewhere. He had gotten the address from Marco, having to nearly threaten his own life to get it. He patted his breast-pocket again, feeling it securely there. He had hoped he would have enough time to find it before he performed tonight, but it was looking less and less likely. He had had a Plan B, but that plan didn't seem to involve the paparazzi in the equation. Getting away from his PR for a rendezvous with an old flame was one thing, but he knew he had to take the chance and make things right, while he still could. He looked down at this wrist, her name etched across it as a constant reminder of how he pulled strength from it alone. The withdraws, the stints in rehab, the lonely nights that consumed him with depression and a haunting truth that he did this to himself kept him awake at night. That night, he needed to save his soul, not just for himself, but for her as well.

He walked over to the center of the stage, draping his guitar strap over one shoulder s he looked over at the crowded room. He had been at this for years now, selling out shows and having two successful tours, but every time he stepped on a stage, a bundle of nerves would attack him like cobras, sucking out every confident excuse he had as to why he stood there to begin with. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, he allowed a smile to rest of his lips as the room grew with an energy that he could literally fell. "How's everybody doing?"

_In the neon sign,  
scrolling up and down,  
I am born again. _

* * *

Ellie walked toward the cart that afternoon again, hoping to see the necklace she had turned down. Seeing it smartly cut shape on the rim of the stand, she rushed over, handling the pushy merchant the money. "I'll take it."

The woman flashed her rotten teeth again, nodding. "I knew you'd be back, lovely. This was made for you." She took it off its hook, neatly wrapping it in way paper when Ellie halted her.

"I'd like to wear it now, please." She handed it to Ellie as she put it over her head, pulling her hair back from underneath. She watched as the late afternoon's sun glistened under its dense reflection. "Thank you."

"Thank _you_, child." She took Ellie's face, patting it gingerly. "I see good things for you, midear." She smiled again, walking away to tend to another customer.

Ellie walked down the street, watching as her new purchase bounced on her chest. She had fallen madly for it upon first sight, knowing that she shouldn't have been spending money so carelessly, but she knew she deserved t. She had been writing freelance for two years now, expecting her luck to change soon with this new magazine that was supposed to go underway in the next few months a friend of hers had started with a small loan. She needed to believe that she could make something small into something of worth and this was her start.

She walked up the stairs of her small apartment on the edge of the college town, having resided here for five years now. She had studied abroad in her junior year, but had fallen in love with the surrounding town and its sleepy inhabitants, wanting to start fresh from the past years she had with Craig. After graduating, Berlin was the only place in the world she had wanted to be. She had postponed the move for another two years, staying with Craig in New York, but once things went from bad to worse, she took the leap of faith and moved, her friends and family thinking of her act drastic, living in Europe permanently, turning down offers at other publications in Canada and in the States. But she needed to escape, to grown her own roots and find her own path.

_In an interstellar burst,  
I am back to save the universe._

She changed into her pajamas, walking toward the kitchen as she pulled out her kettle for tea. She had been meaning to get some more tea at the market, but the necklace that still hung around her neck distracted her. She still couldn't comprehend the draw to it, why she needed to have it in her possession. She fingered it again, loving the weight of it in her hands. It seemed solid, sturdy, concrete. She felt that in the past few years, she had lacked that, as much as she enjoyed her time there, her inability to hold onto anyone longer than a few months only made things more obvious. It was why she traveled across an ocean, why she wrote for art magazines instead of music reviews, why she didn't want others to get too close. She wasn't over Craig. As much as she wished she could have been, there was no way she could shake him. He was as much a part of her as the necklace she wore, he was her solid, her concrete part of her, not matter how much he might have been unstable, he was her compass, always pointing her home.

As the hours dwindled, trying to pass the time by going over her latest article, editing her colleague's work, she couldn't seem to let sleep come over her. He was in her refuge. He had impeded her protective bubble and contaminated the city with his poison, spreading it through the sewers and watching it bend through alleys and bounce off the buildings. Even the sky didn't seem as dark and omniscient as it always had. It felt smaller. It was smaller because he was near. She stood up, pacing around her living room, tugging at the necklace as she listened to every creek from outside her door, hoping against hope that it would be anyone else.

_In a deep deep sleep,  
of the innocent,  
I am born again. _

* * *

He stood there for hours maybe, he wasn't sure. He could see her in her apartment, walking back and forth, as if deep in thought. He recognized that tense look in her shoulders, the stiff demeanor in her stride, the speed of her pace and its intensity. He wondered if she could feel him there, watching her. He could feel his own body react, the distance and time not having much effect to his loins that aches to be closer, to feel her, to breathe her in, for the only truth he had ever known, that she saved his life. Seeing someone leave from the building, he grabbed the door, sliding inside without much thought other than his destination.

As he approached the door, he could literally feel every step he took, as if he could tear through his own skin. With one final breath, he tentatively knocked on the door, smiling at the gold numbers "39", as though they too held some symbolic meaning to this fated meeting. Hearing her faint steps on the other side, the door opened suddenly, his breath taken along with it. He hadn't been that close to her in years, her faint freckles lightly patterned on her soft cheeks, the speckles of gold, reflecting off the numbers that stood next to her. He had stolen his words, thought and excuses with her vacant expression, only his primal instincts kept him from melting into the palm of her hand. But than it hit him like a ton of bricks as the pressure of her body forged with his that he realized he still hadn't taken another breath. Dropping his bag on the floor, they embraced each other until the soft street noises became a whisper, sharing a secret only they knew.

* * *

Ellie walked into the kitchen, pulling down another mug and scrounging around for some more tea. Finding some of the stronger kind, she poked her head for doorway. "You want some tea?" Seeing his head slightly bob, taking that a a yes, he turned around to make some. "I can feel them, you know?"

"What?"

"Your eyes, burning a hole in my back." She chuckled, turning around holding two mugs.

Craig blushed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. It's just... you're really here, in the flesh. It's been so long since--"

"I know." She returned to the small sitting room, passing him a mug. "How was your gig?"

"You knew about that?"

"I might have seen your posters around." She shrugged, sipping her tea.

He coughed as he drank his. "This is really strong."

"Yeah, that's why it's the best." She sipped hers some more. "You don't drink it too fast, just sip." She chuckled into her mug again as she watched him sip his gingerly.

"So, Berlin, eh? I never took you for living here permanently."

"It's cold and dark and lonely. There's something romantic about it, like its holding out for something good to happen." It reminded her of him often, most of the time against her own liking, that lost, tortured soul of his, always eager to move onto something more exciting, not regarding others in his way or at his side.

_In a fast German car,  
I'm amazed that I survived,  
an airbag saved my life._

He looked around the small apartment, taking in the small oil painting and prints on the wall, the books covered most of the surfaces and the lived-in chairs. "This place, it suits you." He drank some more tea, feeling it burning it way down his throat. "I guess you're wondering why I'm here, right?" He watched her lips purse, holding back the tremor in his hand.

"The thought crossed my mind, yes." She smirked slightly, hoping her sarcasm wasn't so abrasive.

Craig pulled out a few notebooks from his bag, handing it to Ellie. "I wanted to give these to you."

Ellie took them, looking alarmed. "What are they?" She fingered the spine, assured that his fingerprints tattooed every page.

"They're my journals from rehab. We're supposed to do journal entries every day, on how we're feeling, what we're ding, who we're becoming... you weren't there and I felt you deserved to know." He zipped up his bag, giving her a small smile. He felt suffocated there now. He had come and did what he needed to do, but why was she looking confused and lost, making the move through the door that much harder.

"Know what?" She looked into his eyes, searching for any clue and felt herself grow pale as the realization of her draw to the necklace, seeing the exact shade of blue in his eyes as the stone, involuntarily grabbing it as proof she had it.

"Just read them." He finished his tea, getting up. He swiftly reached for Ellie's cheek. "Take care, Nash." He walked from her when Ellie took his arm, groping down to his hand and giving it a squeeze.

"You too." Her eyes seemed to glaze over, blinking back tears. "See you."

_In an interstellar burst,  
I am back to save the universe. _

* * *

She watched as he walked further down the street, settling into her window sear as she opened the first page of his book. She could feel the trail of goosebumps crossing her arms as she grazed over of his penmanship, his words, his heart. Each entry was either detailed and precise or extremely blunt and honest. He wasn't censored ere, he was able to speak his mind, say his truth, bring out the thought he had always held back from the world. On these pages, she began to understand Craig truly for the first time and the impact of that notion made her feel lightheaded.

She didn't sleep that night, feverishly reading every curve and wave of his hand, the little details of his life, coming together at a head as the five years they had been apart seemed to merge. She thirsted for more, needed them to continue. She read entries of his struggles, his successes of resisting the urges to use and his near-fails, buying drugs and eventually flushing them down the toilet. She wanted to hold him, tell him she was there, but having to remind herself over and over again that he had been clean for over two years, that he had gotten better, that he was a better man now.

In the third journal, she had read an entry about his sexual activity, uncertain to read that one, the image of his strong arms wrapped around another, caressing their skin with his soft lips, growing envious of the phantom figure, but she saw her name, drawing her closer. His writing of "staying clean" and "virtuous to Ellie" made her heart thump harder than she knew possible. His celibacy was to keep him from the temptations, but he continued to insist in his writings that he couldn't imagine being intimate with anyone else. It wasn't until his final entry in the last book that seemed to only invoke that merit:

_**I give you my testament, my words, my soul. I've never given you anything you've deserved, only grief. **_

_**I can't give us back the years apart from each other, but I can give you this.**_

_**For you gave me a second chance at life, a second chance to be the man I'm meant to be.**_

_**I can never repay you, but in time, you might find it in your heart to let me try.**_

_**I leave you my heart, which you already own.**_

_**Yours always, Craig.**_

She wiped her eyes, trying to read the final words through the tears, feeling something behind the final page. Finding a plane ticket to New York tucked away, she couldn't remember when her feet hit the pavement of the street below, chasing down the shadow, the hunger that she had neglected to feed for far too long, hoping she could finally find her release.

* * *

He looked out the window of the expansive penthouse suite the label sprung for, wanting to leave the country as soon as he could. He intruded on her turf, made her life scarred more than it had been already. He continued to replay her grabbing her necklace in desperation, her look of utter pain as he waled out the door. He was always leaving her, choosing everything over her, even his own comfort for the space that rested between them know. He wanted so much for her to be happy, hoping that he could close that book finally. It wasn't fair how he continued to pull her along. He just needed her to know, finally that he appreciated her, loved her more than he could ever love another and despite his history of breaking her heart, he hoped she would give him another chance.

He cursed himself for giving her a ticket, pushing her into the idea of visiting him. She didn't need pressure. She should be able to decide on her own terms, but the longing for human contact, her contact seemed to take over his senses. He needed her. The instinctive shame he felt of the need diminished years ago. The need is what got him through the darkest moments during his recovery, overcoming the need for his powdery companion. She was his drug, addicted to her light and needed it to survive. Trying his best to bring the hunger under the surface once again, he left the room, escorted by two rather large bodyguards.

_In an interstellar burst,  
I am back to save the universe. _

* * *

He reached downstairs, a caravan of photographers surrounded the lobby, bombarding the other guests of the hotel, a sea of flashing lights, roars of his name as he passed though the revolving doors. He tied to block them out, forcing his way to the waiting car before he saw her. She stood there, her pajamas still on, a long coat wrapped around her small frame as she smiled wider than he had ever scene her, not even at their best. He walked cautiously toward Ellie, praying she wasn't a mirage, a trick of the mind that always seemed to fight with him for superiority. He saw the ticket clenched in her hand, chuckling. "Hey."

"I just ran." She broke their eye contact, looking stupefied from her embarrassing revelation. "I don't think I ever ran that far before. Three miles before I got the sense to take a cab the rest of the way. I just had to get here, to you. I know you gave me the books, but I couldn't stop reading them and I had to see you wrote and--" She paused as his lips crashed into hers, deepening it. He broke it long enough to pull her around a parked van a few feet away before locking his arms around her waist, taking her lips once again. She pulled away, long enough to smile. "Thank you."

Craig could hear the reporters near, hoping he could hide somewhere else but not caring. He could stay like this with her, in her dark green flannel pants and her frostbitten cheeks. "Thank _you_." He pulled her closer, opening his jacket. "Hold your head in here until we get in the car, okay?" He felt her nod as she silently folded herself into his jacket. They walked a short distance, his driver pulling close to the van.

Once inside, Ellie popped her head out of his arms, an exuberant energy shining from her skin. "That was fun." She snorted, feeling more alive than she had in years. "Is it always like this?"

"Well... sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not that popular at home."

"That's okay." She kissed him again, reveling in the fact that she could. "I just have more to you for myself."

Craig looked at her again, the hunger, the longing, the urges seemed to die. He had her, and he didn't have to feel guilty. He deserved happiness and so did she and he was willing to spend the rest of his life giving her just that. "I'm all yours."

_In an interstellar burst,  
I am back to save the universe. _

* * *

_More to come.... --MrsBigTuna_


	20. Pyramid Song

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi nor Radiohead. It's disappointing.**_

_A/N: This is another somber oneshot, but I hope you find it enjoyable. Also, this song is a gem and might be one of their true moments of brilliance. And a note to the wise, **bold italics** are lyrics, normal italics are flashbacks. An AU, my own creation. Now, go ahead and read. _

* * *

"**Pyramid Song"; Amnesiac**

Stretching his limbs as far as his weary body would let him, Craig walked onto his adjacent deck, looking over the ocean, the gentle breeze resting on his shoulders as storms clouds gradually descended on the beach. He inhaled sharply, letting the saltwater air gnaw at his senses. It was days like this, moments that happened far too often, when he missed her. She loved the rain, the ocean, the breeze and he hated that all the while, he could enjoy her indulgences. He looked skyward, hoping to feel the first drops of the spring rain when he heard the phone ring from inside. Sighing, he rushed to answer. "Hello?"

"Hey Craig. It's Joey." Craig could tell he was tense over the line, taking a seat by the table. "You weren't busy or anything, were you?"

Craig shocked his head. "It's fine, Joey. What's up?"

Joey took a breath, causing momentary static. "I just wanted to check in, you know?" There was a pause, Craig feeling the tension over land and sea. "It's just a year ago today..."

"I'm well aware of the date, thanks." He wanted to hang up than, knowing that today would be a long string of phone calls, surprise visits or emails from all over. He hadn't even touched the computer that day, putting off that dreadful task until tomorrow. He appreciated the effort, he really did, but everything was still so fresh, not fully healing after months and months of assistance. "If that's all you called for, I'm fine. Really."

Joey was silent for a long time before speaking softly. "We all miss her, Craig. It's okay to miss her. It's okay to grieve her. But you can't shut us out. Especially today."

He had tried to restrain himself, knowing that he had been very uncooperative after the incident, going off his medication for nearly a week before people feared the worst of his disappearance from the world, finding him in his bed, talking incoherently, mumbling her name. But he refused to be told when and how to grieve Ellie. He stood up, nearly pulling the phone cord out of the wall. "I miss her everyday, Joey. She was my _wife_! She was my wife and she died, okay?! I grieve her everyday, so don't tell me it's okay!"

Joey stayed silent again, seemingly shied away. "I'm sorry. You're right. I just... I was gonna come out and visit you and Ellie... this weekend. Angie wanted to come too. She's off from school for break. I think Marco had already planned on stopping by, so I kind of wanted to give you a head's up. It's just... she was important to us all." He sighed again. "Ellie... she might have been your wife, but he was a part of all our lives. You weren't the only person who lost her that day."

Craig cringed slightly at the sound of her name, it couldn't be helped. Somehow with her gone, it seemed like her name didn't exist either, as if it died with her. Not in the mood for a guilt trip, he moved closer to the table to hang up. "Look, Joey... I better go." He shifted in his seat, looking over at the darkening sky. He added lamely, "Thanks for the call.", hanging up almost immediately. He walked back on the deck, relieved he hadn't missed the rain, hoping that it would drench him whole, possibly even wash away the pain and reminisce of the past year. As if on cue, the rain fell without abandon, covering all surfaces.

He prayed for the rain to drown out the laughter he would hear in his sleep. The smell of jasmine creeping up on him in the middle of the night or the flashes of red that stood in the corner of his eye would disappear with him standing there. His mind would play tricks on him constantly, having to differentiate between logic and illogical occurrences, his own delusions from his condition and the pressure the grief took on him, sneaking up on him at the worst of times. He would swear he heard her footsteps down the hallway or see her bare feet peaking from under the bedsheets on lonely Sunday mornings. He would find an old sock and cry for hours, and they only mounted as the weeks and months past. He had been on alert all day, fearing the most extreme hallucinations would happen today of all days.

It wasn't until he saw it, her standing in the ocean that he knew he lost hold of reality finally. She looked like she always had in her youth, defiant and spirited, with a sense of mockery to all others. She stood as the waves came around her, laughing as if not a care in the world or the intrusive storm around them mattered. He blinked his eyes, hoping that it would disappear, but there she stayed, like a siren beckoning a crew of unsuspecting shipmen, she smiled and waved to him. He remained planted on the porch, positive that she would go away if he was determined, but she looked even more alluring, pouting slightly. The urge to run was so apparent to his loins he nearly gave way at the knee, but he remained. "This can't be real." He continued to watch, hypnotized by her image, his Ellie in the water. Thousands of images of them in that very ocean sprang to life, embedded in his hands and feet, pulling him to the ocean. He did his best to resist the urge, to fight off the temptations and indulges that weren't real, but before his conscious could take another moment to think, he sprinted for the water's edge, desperately searching for contact of his lost love.

* * *

_**I jumped in the river and what did I see?  
Black-eyed angels swimming with me** _

The shock of the waves tumbling over him sent him further out, touching the depths of the shallow waters. He broke the surface, ascending like a rocket. He turned to and fro, looking for something he wasn't sure he could find, desperately seeking something tangible, but knowing it was a losing game. She had to be here. He saw her clear as day just moments before. Just the feel of her skin, a sound her laugh, just once was all he needed to get through this lifetime. But she wasn't there, if she ever was. He inwardly cursed himself, childish to allow his imagination get the better of him. Lazily, he floated on his back, secretly wishing he would be taken by the undercurrent and parted by the responsibilities that seemed to consume his last strand of sanity. He closed his eyes, visions of her smile painted his eyelids, causing him to flinch.

_Craig shuffled back and forth in the dimly lit room, feeling as if his feet were in quicksand, pulling him downward into a vortex that he couldn't free or release himself from. He waited beside Ellie as she sat on the examining table, prodding time until the doctor returned with the results. He caught her eye, stopping. "Sorry."_

_Ellie shook her head. "I was wondering if you were ever going to stop." She reached out for his hand, pulling him closer. "We'll be fine." She kissed him hastily, just as the doctor opened the door. "I love you." _

_Craig squeezed her hand, hoping that he could prevent any harm to ever cross her. He leaned over, whispering gently for her ears only. "I love you too."_

_It wasn't until the doctor sighed with a grim expression of subtlety that Ellie's grip loosened on his fingers. Words of 'cancer' and 'low survival rate' and 'few months to live' only seemed to start the separation that was inevitable as Craig held his quivering wife. _

Craig opened his eyes again, seeing that the storm had only increased as the winds picked up speed, sending waves crashing against his skin. He tried to stand, but fell under the water's surface, reaching out into the abyss. He let himself fall into the depths, extracting the air in his lungs slowly until he hit the bottom to propel himself upwards. As he launched into the air, a fleeting urge attacked him. _Why go back up?_ He nearly stopped than to inhale the water that seemed to press on his aching chest, but it was Ellie's face again that crossed his mind, knowing she wouldn't want him to end this way.

_**A moon full of stars and astral cars  
All the figures I used to see**_

* * *

Once he broke the surface again, relieving his lungs of the strain, he laid on his back, allowing the rain to drown him whole. The effect of the falling rain and the water beneath him created a sonic tomb-like essence, making him feel weightless. He closed his eyes again, wanting to see her face again, even if it was only in his memory. At least there, they couldn't be taken or stolen like she was from him, they were his, as she always would be.

_Ellie walked across the floor slowly as she reached the bed. Craig watched her as she scooted gently beside him, hoping she let him touch her tonight. She had been going through a phase where she didn't want to be touched, fearing she'd contaminate him. He missed holding her through the night, feeling her by his side made her real and he needed that reassurance. "Baby..."_

_Ellie shook her head. "Not now, Craig." She crotched over, holding her stomach. Shortly after the diagnosis and the state of the treatment, she would have intense and sometimes violent intestinal pains, causing her to shake throughout the night, making it harder to stifle the need to comfort her. As she shook before him, he flexed his fists, imagining attacking the pains head-on, banishing them from her. It was than that Ellie curled up beside him, doing her best not to upset her tender stomach. "Hold me."_

_**All my lovers were there with me  
All my past and futures **_

_Craig gathered her up without any objections, rocking her until her sobs subsided. He looked down at her perfect face and kissed her forehead. "I love you."_

_Ellie looked up, smiling slightly. "I want you to have a really dramatic and intense death. Nothing lame like stomach cancer." She took his hand, squeezing it with all the strength she could muster. "Promise me."_

_Craig nodded silently, smelling her hair and whispering in her ear. "I promise."_

* * *

It didn't take long for Craig to fell the spasm traveling up his left leg. He tried to stretch to out, but it was persistent, clawing at his tenants and crushing his shin. He reached down, trying to kneed it out, but to no avail. The agony was almost unbearable, forcing him to bite down hard on his bottom lip. Within moments of tasting blood, the pain lessened, replacing the stark pain of his leg with his now bleeding mouth.

"What have I gotten myself into..." He spoke for the first time since his voyage into the stormy afternoon. He couldn't tell how much time had passed, if Marco might have stopped by already or if anyone else had attempted to reach him. And here he was, in the middle of the storm of the century, trying to prove something that he wasn't sure even existed.

Another wave of nausea passed over him, seeing the blood that surrounded him. He was suddenly struck with the notion of sharks, knowing that they smelled the blood of their prey. He turned around, wondering if sharks were near. The queer thought left him as soon as it came, remembering that they hunted only during the twilight hours. He chuckled than, floating on his back once again, seeing the shore at most a half mile away.

_**And we all went to heaven in a little row boat  
**_

_Ellie was standing by the sliding glass doors that led to the back porch, looking out longingly. "I want to swim."_

_Craig came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I know." He felt her tremble, knowing she was crying again. She had been visiting with Ashley earlier that week when she came to visit from New York, with their two year old godson, Conner. Ellie hadn't mentioned her agony until after Ashley's departure for her longing for a child of her own, knowing that it was impossible. Her crying spells were only more frequent. _

_Ellie turned into Craig's arms, leaning into her chest. "I don't want to be jealous." She sinked deeper, allowing another round of tears to pour. After a moment, she looked up again, sniffling. "When did I start crying so much?" She wiped her face, shaking her head. "It's nauseating." She nearly pushed Craig away, but she continued to lock her arms around his back. "I guess it's for the best, you know? I mean, I don't think I could bare to leave someone besides you."_

"_You're not leaving. You're right here." Craig pulled her closer, hoping that his words held weight._

* * *

Craig's foot hit something hard, causing another round of pain to course through him. "Perfect." Looking up, he noticed the red buoy, marking the three mile mark. His stomach twisted than, as he looked back toward the shore, seeing how far he had floated out. "Shit." He lurched forward, making more forceful strokes, but they only seemed to cast him further away. "Shit, shit, shit." He spun around, looking for something to sustain him so he could catch his breath, drifting back to the buoy. He pulled himself onto it, trying to gain his bearings.

"_How do I look?"_ _Ellie rubbed her bald head as she strolled slowly from the bathroom._

_Craig looked up from his newspaper, resisting the urge to laugh. He had seen pictures of Ellie when she was a baby, her green eyes seemingly larger than life as her pale skin surrounded them. She spun around slowly, giving a 360 degree perspective. He walked over to her, rubbing it, feeling her skull. "You look perfect."_

"_Really?" She rubbed it herself, covering her hand with his. "I mean, I couldn't stand picking hair out of the drain anymore." She smirked, giving him a nudge. "Besides, I look kinda badass like this."_

"_Oh yeah. All you need is a leather doggie collar and maybe a whip and I could take you over there on West Hollywood with all the leather Daddies."_

_Ellie snorted. "You think I'd fit in?"_

_Craig turned her to face the mirror, the reflection of them as he felt her small frame beside him. "Like I said, you're perfect."_

_**There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt** _

He felt like a complete jackass, knowing that he stupidly ventured on this unforeseen quest to wherever figure he had seen and not knowing how he would ever, if he could, get back to land. The storm pushed on, not letting up whatsoever, only establishing Craig's predicament. He took another deep breath, weighing his options. He could stay here until the storm ended, hoping that he could swim back in calmer waters. But as his hands were slipping on the wet iron, he realized that wouldn't pan out. "Fuck."

_**I jumped in the river  
Black-eyed angels swimming with me**_

"_I'm fine, Craig. You don't have to carry me." Ellie struggled in his strong arms, rolling her eyes insistently. "Put me down!"_

_Craig shook his head as he maneuvered past a misplaced chair. "We're nearly there." He came to a stop near a large easy chair at the large picture window. "Here we go." He placed her gently in the chair, grazing her cheek with his hand. _

_Ellie pulled away, sniffing away his hand. "You didn't have to do that." She straightened herself in the chair, trying to compose herself with some dignity. "I'm not invalid."_

_Craig put his hands in his pockets, nodding as he perched on the armrest. "I know."_

_Ellie scoffed. "Don't talk to me that way. You treat me like I'm some old lady you have to take care of." She shoved him off the chair, sulking back. "Just leave me alone."_

_Craig stood there, watching her as she flinched, small ticks flooding her arms. He wanted to reach out to touch her, but she had been so standoffish the past few weeks. The treatment wasn't working, and Ellie had refused anything further. She wanted to spend the remainder of her out of the cancer wing and with Craig, but even that seemed trying . Craig slid next to her in the seat, having ample room as she had lost more weight recently. Ellie scooted away, but Craig pulled her closer. "You can't push me away."_

_Ellie shook her head. "I can't do this." She struggled and pulled some more, but Craig's strength overcame hers, leaving her to crumble in his lap. Her sobs were faint, but he felt her shake as if she had used up all her tears long ago. "I'm sorry."_

_Craig rubbed down her head, not having grown any back in several weeks, but he remained looking down at his beautiful wife, hoping that some miracle would occur. He couldn't get through this life without her. He needed her. So why was God or whomever testing them, testing him. He held all this inside of course, knowing all questions would never be answered properly. Instead, he held his wife, reveling in her touch. "I'm sorry too."_

* * *

It was than amongst the harsh waves that he longed to hear her name. Maybe it was the thought that he could never say it again or hear it if he died out there or maybe it was the fact that today of all days he decided to risk his life on the same day she lost hers but he let go of the buoy, sliding down into the ocean again. And for the first time in months, he said her name. "Ellie." It felt foreign to him, like a word you had to look up in the dictionary, as if he knew the word, but had to remember the meaning. He needed to know if she was with him today, if what he saw was real, if only to him. He needed to know if she still loved him, even after death. But most of all, he needed to know if he saved his own life, would it be worth it to not be with her at last.

He contemplated his own death more than a few occasions, only thinking he would be reunited with her. He schemed different dramatic ways of going, from overdoses to electrocuting himself on stage, but nothing was as reassuring as her touch. He longed for it every moment of everyday, pushing the urges to commit the unspeakable crime well hidden in the depths of his complex mind, but the thought again seemed more in reach than ever. He had a choice to make: live or die. Neither seemed appealing, even dying didn't guarantee being with Ellie, but he needed to know she was with him. He needed her, more than he ever needed her before.

_**A moon full of stars and astral cars  
All the figures i used to see**_

_Ellie was lying in the bed, looking out at the ocean. She couldn't walk on her own in the last few days, nearly collapsing under her own weight. Craig was across the room, strumming on his guitar, afraid to look at her. She looked so small in the bed, as if she could drown in the moss green featherbed, but despite her petite frame, she held a stern grimace, as if she still could break a person with a single glare. She turned to him than, clearing her throat. "What are you working on?"_

_Craig shrugged. "Don't know." He continued to strum, closing his eyes and imagining her walking into his arms. It was painful to be around her, and he hated himself for it. He couldn't understand how his perfect wife deteriorated before his eyes. _

"_It's not your fault, I hope you know that." Ellie had sat up without him noticing. She looked less pale than normal, seemingly flushed from the movement. _

_Craig looked back at his guitar. "What's not my fault?"_

_Ellie chuckled. "Me being disgusting." She ran her hand through her hair, grown out into a pixie cut. "Don't pretend like it isn't obvious. It's okay. I mean, there's no point in crying about it." She smiled despite herself. "I'm a walking... well, not anymore, but I'm a corpse." She looked out the window again, holding her smile. "When... you know..." She hesitated as she watched Craig walk over to the bed._

_Craig took her hand, feeling how frail she was, contradicting her broad face. "You are perfect. I love--"_

"_Stop it!" Ellie shook her head, patting his hand. "Listen, please?" When Craig nodded, she continued. "When I go, I want to be pushed out to sea. My ashes... you know?" She closed her eyes, almost as if she took pleasure in this arrangement. "I want to be free." She looked at him than, a tear falling down her cheek. "And close to you."_

_Craig pulled her into his arms than, hearing her ragged sobs. "Okay, baby. Whatever you want."_

_Ellie shook her head. "I want to stop being a little bitch about all this and stop crying." She choked out a laugh, holding her stomach. "Does it ever stop?"_

_Craig held her, thinking about the private moments backstage before he performed, wanting her there with him and admitting to shedding a few tears or when he would wake up nearly every hour to check her pulse, terrified to find her dead beside him without holding back the tears. "I don't think so."_

"_That sucks." She chuckled again, wiping her face. They held each other, both scared about the future, but hoping they could have as much of it together._

Craig smiled again as he said her name again. "Ellie." He looked skyward, seeing the clouds dissipating, as small spots of blue peeking through. "You're out here, aren't you?" He leaped forward toward the shore, forceful stokes as he made distance. He swam for several minutes, the storm calming as he grew nearer. He allowed a small smile on his lips as he pictured her beside him, coaching him on. He knew that even in his thoughtless decisions, she stood there with him, never faltering. He wanted to see her again, just for a moment, hoping that it would make the journey easier.

* * *

_**All my lovers were there with me  
All my past and futures**_

He stopped, trying to catch his breath. "Where are you?!" He screamed into the water, squirming anxiously as he could make out the shore. "I need you, Ellie!" Saying her name was as if he was breathing life into her again. He never wanted to say her name anymore, wanting it to die with her to cease the pain. He dove into the water again, striking blows to the overpowering waves. "I gave her to you!" He fought back the sobs, stuffing them below the surface. "Give her to me!"

_Craig looked down at the urn, looking at the intricate patterns covering its side. Drifting along the beach, he followed the path behind Ashley, Marco, Joey and Angie. He didn't want them here, he needed to do this alone, but when they showed up that morning after the service, he couldn't tell them to leave. He held it protectively to his chest, afraid it would disappear, afraid that the last fragments of her existence would be robbed from him. "Okay, I think this is fine." He stopped, facing the water as everyone crowded around him._

_Joey stood next to him, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "Do you want to say a few words?"_

_Ashley wiped away a stray tear as Marco wrapped a nurturing arm around her, turning to the urn. "I'll miss you." He kissed his hand, laying it on the urn gently. _

_Ashley nodded. "Goodbye." She broke in the middle, sobbing silently. She turned around, walking back toward the house along with Marco._

_Joey looked out into the ocean, smiling slightly. "This is what she wanted, right?"_

_Craig nodded, continuing to look intently at the fragile case. "Yeah."_

"_Than you have nothing to worry about." He rubbed Craig's back, watching as Craig opened the top, and shook out its contents, allowing Ellie's ashes gently get taken out to sea. _

_As the final remains rolled under the current, Craig closed the lid, looking back at Joey. "I'm tired. I think I want to lay down." Craig walked back into the house, walking past his friends. "Thanks for coming." Without another word, he went into his bedroom, closing the door._

_**And we all went to heaven in a little row boat  
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt**_

* * *

Craig could nearly touch the bottom, clutching his toes to the slippery sands. "Nearly there." He squinted his eyes, seeing Marco on the beach. He waved out, watching as Marco drew closer to the water's edge. As he emerged out of the water, he finally collapsed on the surf.

Marco rushed to him, gasping. "What the hell happened to you?" He checked his pulse, his hands shaking with nerves. "Are you breathing?"

Craig chuckled. "Yes, I'm breathing." He coughed up some water, turning toward Marco. "When did you get here?"

"Um... I don't know, about ten minutes ago... why were you out there? Wasn't it just raining?" Marco took off his jacket, wrapping it around Craig shaking shoulders.

Craig shrugged. "I just needed to take a swim." He chuckled, falling on his back as he gazed above. "Why are you here?"

Marco huddled closer to Craig, trying to prop him up. "You're freezing. Let's get you inside." He pulled Craig up, when he pulled away.

He looked out to the sea again, blinking his eyes repeatedly, hoping against hope that she would appear again, but knowing she would not. "She's not out there, Marco!" He walked further away, throwing off the jacket. "I threw her out there and she's gone!" He fell down in the sand again, hugging himself as the wind rushed past them both. He shook violently, the ordeal crashing against his shoulders, buckling under the pressure, finally resulting with him in the arms of Marco, crying for the first time in a year. It felt cathartic, the act of actually crying. "Where is she?"

Marco stroked his hair, rubbing his arms. "She's here." He held his friend, a feeble attempt to calm him. "She'll always here." And they stayed by the shoreline, allowing the winds and the drizzling rain cloaking them with a cleansing blanket, fearful to let go.

It wasn't until long after Marco left and after he found himself under the covers when he said her name again. "Ellie." It wrapped around his throat, sliding down his veins and soothed him as he shut his eyes, hoping it lived on and breathed, knowing that somewhere out there, her name was real.

_**There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt**_

* * *

_I know... just go with it. More to come. ---MrsBigTuna_


	21. Reckoner

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. We're in negotiations at the present time. **_

_A/N: Winding down to the final few here. I have to say, this was the funniest one for me to write. I enjoy writing laughs so much more than angst, and angst more than fluff, and the great thing about this pair... they have all !three If you haven't already, please stop by my profile page for a link to all the songs featured. If you think the stories are good, the music is no comparison, especially this song. As always, read, review and enjoy!_

* * *

"**Reckoner"; In Rainbows**

"What's that smell?" Ellie walked the length of the bus, sniffing the air like a blood hound. "I think something's gone rancid."

A lanky gentleman with a goatee popped his head from one of the bunks. "Sorry, bro." He waved the curtain a little, fanning the air.

"Nice." She ran to the small bathroom in the back, grabbing the disinfectant spray, drenching the surrounding area with its scent. "Christ, Travis. What crawled up and died in your ass?"

_Reckoner_

"Dunno. Think it was the Mexican food we had in Austin last night." He pulled his head back behind the partition, as Ellie plopped down on the nearest couch. She turned to find another two guys leave the front, faces scrunched up. "Travis."

They both fanned the air, coughing obnoxiously. "Yikes. I thought some food in the kitchen went bad." The taller of the two went into the kitchenette area, opening the fridge. "Nope. Food's all good, Michael."

Michael smiled reassured. "Thank God." He sat next to Ellie, looking her over. "You okay?"

"No." She had been on this tour for seven days and hadn't gotten more than three complete sentences from the musician she was interviewing. "Does he always stall like this?"

Michael shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much. But don't get discouraged. He'll come around. He's just been in a funk lately."

"Really?" He ears perked up for the first time in days. Some actual insight into the elusive mind that was Craig Manning. She had been chosen for the cover of _Rolling Stone_ magazine, her first one, with Craig Manning. His shows had been the hottest ticket all summer long, going on a three month tour across the United States. She would be on the tour from mid-July until its last concert at the end of August. Her article was due in September, but she needed notes every few days on progress. She had other articles due before them, including one that was due the next day, having just finalized it. She hadn't been worried about her other works, most of them small fry to the one she was on now. She needed this one to work, but she was starting to have second thoughts about her approach. Could this be the direction she needed to go? "What kind exactly?"

_You can't take it with you_

"Well, not 'disco funky', that's for sure." He chuckled at his lame attempt at a joke, barely getting a rise from Ellie. "You don't laugh much, do you?"

"I do when something's funny." She quipped back, smirking at his frown. "Seriously, should I be worried?"

Michael shook his head. "No, man. Craig's just... Craig, you know? He gets like that."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "That's helpful." She jotted a few little notes in her pad when the bus hit a bump and stopped abruptly. "Ouch, Spencer! That was my foot."

Spencer stood up, brushing of his pants. "Sorry, dude." He patted her head, getting a snarl. "Relax."

Ellie stood up, not thinking about the paused motion of the bus. "Do you all have to refer to me as 'dude' or 'bro' or 'man'? You are aware I'm a woman, right?"

Spencer smirked. "We're all _very_ aware, sweetheart. If you rather us call you 'chick' or 'sweet bum'--"

"First: Gross. Second: How about 'Ellie'?" She watched as the other two looked at each other puzzled. "Forget it." She shoved Spencer out of the way, walking to the front of the bus. "What's the hold up?"

"Flat tire. I'm calling AAA right now. They're sending a man out in about an hour so just sit tight." He smiled at her, pulling out his cellphone. "Be right out here if you need me, El."

Ellie rolled her eyes, going back further in the bus where she was met by Craig. He smiled down at her, rubbing his eyes. "Morning."

"It's three in the afternoon." She scoffed, pushing him out of the way. "I have to go to the bathroom."

_Dancing for your pleasure _

"Okay..." He watched her go, shaking his head. "What's up her ass?" He sat next to Michael, taking an handful of his chips.

"Give you one guess." He pulled the bag further away. "Look, man. You have to give her more than that crap that you give most reporters. It's the cover of _Rolling Stone_, dude."

"So?" He reached for the bag, but Michael put it behind his back. He crossed his arms. "It's just a stupid article. She has two months to get it done."

"More like six weeks and you wasted one of them already." Michael gave him the bag of chips, Craig greedily munching them. "Look, okay? She's cool. I mean, me and Spence give her a hard time, but she's really cool. _And_ hot. And she knows music and she knows what she's doing. I think if you gave her the chance to talk to you, she could really write something good, maybe even great. Just give her the chance. For us. Or just for yourself, whatever. But we need this, if you like to admit it or not. I mean, we might be big shit right now, but it can be all gone. Like that." He snapped his fingers for emphasis. "Just talk to her tomorrow when we get into Phoenix."

Craig nodded solemnly. "Fine. But if she makes us look like amateurs, it's all your fault." He took his bag of chips, bringing it down to the second level of the bus, where he found Ellie tapping on her Mac. "Hey."

Ellie looked up, feigning pleasantries. "Hi." She continued to type, watching him take a seat near her. "What's up?"

He looked around his head. "Has the bus stopped? I know this thing moves smoothly, but this is insane."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "We have a flat tire. Ben's waiting on AAA now so we can get moving. We'll be about an hour behind. I heard Spencer say that Mark and David called... what's your other manager's name?"

"Tony?"

"Yeah. Him and some of your other PR, including that new handler of yours... Steph or something, are making sure everything will be set up for your soundcheck when we get there."

"What are you now? My assistant?. You know more about everything than the people who handle all this stuff know." He chuckled, watching her continue to type. "What now? You don't talk?"

"I know all that stuff because I hear everything, instead of the stuff I should be hearing, like you answering my questions for the interview." She closed her laptop, looking at him square in the eye. "I have an article to write and that might not mean much to you, but it does to me. It's kinda a big deal for me and I would just really appreciate it if you could just stop screwing around your time here, because your screwing around with _my _time. I have a deadline and I'd like to meet it. So, if you're not gonna bother talking to me about the interview or actually let me interview you, than just leave me alone." She opened back her computer, tapping harder than before.

_You are not to blame for  
Bittersweet distractor_

Craig hadn't been talked to in such a manner in quite a while, seemingly refreshed. "Hey, um, I'm sorry." He stood up, taking a seat on the end of the couch she was sitting on. "I just... _really_ hate interviews. Like, they're the worst, always. They never get the jokes I might say since irony never really translates on paper and they always make me sound so spacey or stupid. Or a total douche." He scratched his head, sending his soft curls into a frenzy. "I didn't mean to offend you, I just... figured you'd end up offending me."

Ellie closed her laptop again, looking Craig over. "You didn't give me the chance to." She smirked, hearing him chuckle. "Look, I want to write a really great article with you. Not that lame shit that you've done with everyone else, especially that crap you gave _Spin_ last month. What _was_ that?"

Craig chuckled. "That guy, Thomas. Yeah, total tool. He had it coming."

"Well, that may be, but I can't afford to have some shitty article because you don't like me."

"Who said I didn't like you?" Craig looked confused as Ellie looked baffled.

"You've barely spoken to me in the past week. I figured I had a bad smell or something the way you would distance yourself."

_Dare not speak its name_

"I just don't hang out with reporters. You're kinda the enemy. Making most of us look like posers and giving us labels and whatever. I mean, being in magazines was cool at first, but after a while... it gets stall and bland and less interesting. You always ask the same crap and than wonder why I'm not all honky dory about it." He sighed, moving closer to her. "The point is I don't not like you. I think you're actually really nice, but I just... can't be on every second of every day."

"Fair enough. But I have to give my bosses something by tomorrow night." She raffled through her notebook. "I have plenty of quotes from your band mates, loads from Michael. But I need more from you."

"Okay, well. How about this? Tomorrow afternoon after the soundcheck, you and me. We can talk, ask me a few questions, whatever." He held out his hand, smirking.

"Deal." Ellie shook his hand. "You're kinda a dork, you know that?"

"Nice. Be sure to put that in the article." He smirked, standing up and leaving her alone. He met Michael at the top of the stairs. "We're gonna talk after the soundcheck, okay?"

Michael shrugged. "You don't have to answer to me, man." He patted him on the back, walking off the bus.

_Dedicated to all you  
all human beings _

* * *

"Ellie! It's dinnertime!" Spencer yelled down the stair way, padding his way back down the thin walkway toward the little diner area. "I guess she's coming up."

Ellie walked toward the bathroom to watch her hands, seeing it was free when she pushed it open. Before her eyes, she saw Craig downing a few pills, drinking a glass of water. She tried to shut the door before he saw her but it was too late. "I'm sorry." She ran in the other direction, her mind reeling.

He lunged at the door. "Ellie--" Craig felt his stomach bunch, the urge to chase her seemed viable. "Crap."

* * *

"That was great guys!" A man in a white shirt and black blazer clapped his hands, walking over to Craig. "Nice work. They'll love you tonight."

"Yeah, sure." He made a face behind the man's back as he walked over to Spencer. He leaned over to Michael. "Why the hell is Mark watching our soundchecks now?"

Michael shrugged. "He wants to get all hands on, I guess. You can talk to Dave about it though, he hates him too." They both chuckled as they unplugged their guitars. "Hey, there's Ellie. Ooh, and she's wearing that cute shirt of hers."

Craig snorted. "Cute? Dude, when I see Nancy next week, I have to tell her to keep you away from her Cosmos."

"Screw you, man." He nudged him, winking at Ellie as she waved. "Besides, I think she could be good for you."

"Who, Nancy? I mean, I thought about a few times, but since she's your girlfriend--"

"No, you idiot. Ellie." He nudged him again toward her as she took a seat on the stage.

"Hey." She hatched up her messenger bag, holding her trusty notepad. "So, you ready to go?"

"Yeah, just a sec. I need to bring this over to Mitch to get tuned up again." He jogged over to the other side of the hall. "Hey man, Burke needs a little tightening up. He's sounding a bit flat on G."

Mitch nodded. "'Kay, man." He looked over towards Ellie. "That's hot reporter still with you guys? I thought you left her in Austin?"

"Nope. She's with us until Seattle." He looked over at her again, noticing a small dimple on her left cheek. He hadn't paid much attention to her looks, mostly turned off by her profession rather than scamming on her like every other guy around him. Looking at her now however, he had wondered why it had taken him this long to notice. "I better go." He walked back over, slower, giving himself a few more glances at her. "Ready?"

_Because we separate like  
ripples on a blank shore  
(in rainbows) _

"Yeah." She waved at some stage hands and someone from craft services. "See ya later." As they walked to a small bistro near the corner, she seemed more composed than she had been the past week. He figured since she might be actually doing her job, she was more in control. When they had gotten seated, there were a few stares and one moment of starstruck by the hostess. Ellie chuckled. "Someone's popular."

Craig scoffed. "Oh yeah. But that's nothing. No one's asked me to sign a body part yet. Those are always fun." He shook his head, looking out at the street. "So, let's get this thing started."

Ellie nodded. "Okay." She pulled out her voice recorder and placed it on the table, turning it on. "Okay, so Craig Manning" She paused to his chuckle. "Shut up." She started again. "So... does that name have the same weight it did five years ago or do you feel like you have reached your zenith?"

Craig chuckled. "Um, I guess I have to say that I hope that I never reach my zenith. If I ever did, that would suck."

Ellie looked intrigued. "Why?"

"Well, you have no other place to go but down. And that's no fun." He smirked, shaking his head. "Seriously though, I'm still feel like I'm just starting out. I mean, I'm headlining gigs now, but I'm still a long way away from being in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, you know? I'm still growing as an artist. I'm still learning about myself and I'm still trying to find a sound that defines me to my listeners."

"And what sound is that?"

Craig shrugged. "The sound when you wake up in the morning, blink your eyes and don't want to head out to work. It's the last thing you ever want to do. But than you hear this sound, this music that makes all the rested hours somehow worth it. Because there in lies a camaraderie, a kinship and you know that you're not alone in the struggle. If people feel that when they hear my music, than I have done my job."

Ellie watched him for a moment longer, denying the goosebumps that prickled on her neck. "Um, that was good. I think that's it for now."

"Really? I thought we were just getting started."

"Well, I still have a few weeks with you. There's plenty of time to get more outta you." She put back her notepad and recorder, finally eating some of her food.

"Hey, um..." Craig sighed, replaying that moment from that previous night in the bathroom. "Look, I have some explaining to do... about what you saw."

Ellie eased up slightly. "Oh, okay." She pulled out her recorder again when Craig halted her.

"Off the record." He looked at her, ready to rebuff. "Please?"

Ellie reluctantly agreed, putting it away again. "Off the record."

Craig took a deep breath, looking over his shoulder. They had been seated in a secluded area of the restaurant, so he felt a little safer before whispering. "I'm bipolar." He rubbed his forehead, avoiding her stunned reaction. "Yeah, so what you saw was me taking my medication, prescribed by a doctor." He smirked. "I'm not a junkie, just I have dependency on them so I can stay lucid."

Ellie twisted her napkin in her lap. "How long?"

"Since high school. My father was diagnosed too. It's hereditary apparently. Anyway, I've been having treatment for nearly ten years now and it doesn't bother me anymore. I mean, it's who I am."

"Wow. When Michael mentioned you were in a funk--"

"Michael spoke to you about it?"

"No! No, he just said that you were in a funk. I thought that meant that you were just in a bad mood or having an ego trip." She blushed slightly. "Now I feel like a jerk."

"Don't. You had no way of knowing." He smiled. "It took me a long time to get here. Loads of therapy and minor breakdowns, but I've overcome them."

Ellie faltered for a moment, thinking about each word she chose. "I think this is what the article should be about."

Craig blinked at her. "What?"

"This. Your condition. You can tell me about your condition, how you've overcome the obstacles, how it's helped you in music, in life." Her mind was reeling again, but for a complete different reason. "There are so many people with this disorder, Craig. Do you know what it would be like for you to tell people about this? You would reach people on a whole other level, truly connect to your listeners, your fans... this could be the article."

Craig shook his head. "No."

Ellie felt slightly offended, desperately grasping for straws. "Why not? All you've done since I've met you is complain about how you're depicted in magazines. This is your chance to really have something authentic, something that is all you."

"And this has nothing to do with the fact that you'll be hailed at _Rolling_ like the second coming of Christ?"

"First of all: you're not _that_ popular. And second: this will make you feel closer to your listeners. They'll know the real you. Isn't that what music is all about, the connection to people?"

"No, it's about the illusion of the connection." He pushed back his food. "This was a mistake, I shouldn't have told you."

"So what? You would have rather me think you're a pill-popping addict? Because up until ten minutes ago, that's who I thought you were." She stood up from the table. "Look, I'm not gonna tell the world about it, okay? It's off the record. But..." She sighed, looking at a man she thought had a chance to do great. "Do you know why I asked for this?" She hitched up her strap, crossing her arms. "I asked to do it because I really love your music. Most of the bands I've interviewed in the past year I've hated or thought that they were at their end. But not you. You're so talented and destined for greatness. And yeah, sure, you're getting some publicity and people think your shit smells better than others, but what do you want to be remembered for? A few good records and great concerts or someone that changed the way we thought about musicians, baring his soul out for the world to see." She turned around prepared to storm off before facing him again. "You'd be surprised how little people judge. You just have to not care." She proceeded to walk out of the restaurant, leaving a dumbfounded Craig in her wake.

_Because we separate like  
ripples on a blank shore  
(in rainbows) _

* * *

Craig had left the restaurant hours ago, fingering his strings before showtime. As he watched for the light signals, hearing thousands of fans screaming in the hall, he drifted back to Ellie's words. _Would it really make a difference?_ He thought of how he would feel seeing his musical idol on the cover of a magazine, telling the world his darkest secret. Would he feel sorry for him? Would he think it was all a stunt? Or would he think he was brave? "Craig... Craig! It's your cue!"

He blinked out of his reverie, doing his best to hold back his smile. Walking on the stage, seeing the smiling faces, the answer to those questions didn't matter. He wouldn't know until it happened. So what if he told the world he was bipolar? There was plenty of other crazy things he could say. At least he wasn't coming out of the closet. _That_ might send unwanted fan mail.

_Take me with you _

* * *

_**Two Months Later:**_

Craig stretched his long limbs, walking out of his bedroom to find his mail on the coffee table. In a brown sealed envelope, he recognized the delivered package whenever he did a magazine, getting an advanced copy. He picked it up, hesitant to open it. "It's already done. You can't stop the presses now." Sighing deeply, he ripped it open, seeing his face staring back at him. He laughed out loud, seeing his title suggestion on the cover under his face. "_Manic Manning: The Untold Story_". "Huh." He laughed again, going over the article, feeling slightly liberated. It was out there, and he couldn't take it back.

Standing up with more vigor than he had in days, he sprinted for the phone, dialing a number by memory. "Hey, I got the article."

Ellie chuckled. "So?"

"It's... really great. Wonderful in fact."

_Dedicated to all you _

"Glad you approve." They lulled for a moment, each slightly apprehensive to speak. At that moment, their professional relationship ended. For five weeks, they were thick as thieves, both learning more about the other. He had opened up himself far more than he had with anyone and she opened up to him as well. He knew her better than some of his exes, making this harder than he thought it might be.

"Ellie... I, uh, I was wondering... since you're in town-- you are in New York, right?"

"I live here, Craig." She chuckled. "What were going to ask me?"

"Would you want dinner tonight... with me?"

Ellie paused, trying to make him squirm just a little more while her stomach was doing cartwheels. "I think I could manage that."

_all human beings_

* * *

_More to come. Thanks for reading, babies. --- MrsBigTuna _


	22. The Tourist

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead, okay?**_

_A/N: Okay, do I watched the film... and I was very happy. A well-crafted Crellie storyline, with a sublime ending, or beginning if you're me. At any rate, I was listening to my boys and knew I had to write a oneshot from this song, which even the title goes with it perfectly. This is during the climax of the film, from Ellie's perspective. It's rather short, so please read, review, and enjoy! _

* * *

"**The Tourist"; OK Computer**

She couldn't breathe, the air dry compared to the moist, wintry atmosphere that welcomed her at home. She clung to the bottle, imagining herself following into it head first, hoping it would erase the past few days, the looks of joy crossing Craig's face as he looked over at his beautiful girlfriend with chocolate brown skin, an impossibly perfect smile and skin clear of blemishes. She was a model, for Christ's sake. How the hell would she ever compare to that? She thought about all the pretty people she left behind at the party, how Paige seemed to fit right in, even Marco, and how she always seemed to stick out like a sore thumb, her red hair and her pasty skin, the feeling of mediocrity pulling her hand as it eased another intake of her clear liquid, her friend with an off-brand name.

And his face, so perfect and handsome as she always wanted to remember. She held onto those eyes, the ones that seemed to penetrate her roadblocks she was too quick to build, making her ache for a remedy to the pain that continued to come, waves of wanting like the waves out a sea. She could hear children laughing around her, a dog barking at the ocean surf and curious as to how she found herself here after all that had happened in just three days. She closed her eyes again, the vision of him serenading her just hours before, his words, his voice, the hope that seemed to only live in his presence. Little did she know, the hope couldn't survive, even with her footprints in the sand, making a road map of the journey she had made, and the one that she still had ahead.

_It barks at no-one else but me,  
like it's seen a ghost._

* * *

She faced the sea again, the hypnotic rhythm of the waves, crashing against the sand like a song, a constant looping of something she wanted to forget, but proceeded onward. She choked back the tears, pushing her hair out of her face as the wind knocked it to and fro. How was she always allowing him to affect her. She could stop this, all of it if she just didn't love so easily. She was always being disappointed in others, their lack of compassion, their lack of depth, the way they seemed to pass through life, not caring and being concerned. She was tired of being passed over by prettier girls, smarter women, better students. She deserved better. She wanted better. But it was her own fault, like always. She allowed Craig to enter her heart once again, let his words speak to her and misinterpret things, again. She could have just been his friend, been someone who didn't let people in, but she took a chance. And failed, again.

She paused in her pacing, wondering if time could stop whenever she wanted it to. That maybe she would stop it before her father deployed to Afghanistan, or before Craig went on the road the first time, or maybe yesterday, before she found out he wasn't alone. She willed herself not to think nonsensical things, stopping time, changing the past, being as powerless as she was from taking another sip. She hated this, hated herself for wanting so much and never having. She could have things, but she never seemed to want to reachable. She always had to create impossible expectations for herself and hose around. Maybe because she was just scared of having reached them, and what if she couldn't go further. Maybe than she wouldn't be able to blame anyone else. She couldn't seem to fix them, fix her life, or make it better. She focused on things that seemed impractical to accomplish, thinking that if she focused hard enough, it would flourish. But why? Why couldn't she just accept things? Why couldn't she just admit that things were bad? That she had a sick father. That she wasn't going to get the boy. That she was on the verge of alcoholism. That she was fucked up. She was supposed to be the stable one, the leader, the one that seemed grounded, adjusted. How had everything seemed to go wrong so fast and how come coming to L.A., the place so far away from her problems it was a different climate, different air, different water that she seemed to sink deeper into the pit of doom that was her life?

_I guess it's seen the sparks a-flowin,  
no-one else would know. _

* * *

With final intact, she dropped her bottle. She needed to breathe. She felt suffocated in everything, in her scarf, which she ripped of her neck, in her clothing and in her skin. She couldn't seem to grasp anything that didn't seem to fall through her fingers, grazing her fingertips and leave her like everyone else. She couldn't take it anymore, she needed to take a stand, push the envelope, make a change. The pressure on her lungs seemed to drown her, fighting for a life she wasn't sure she actually wanted. As much as she fought to salvage her own sanity, she never thought it might be too late to save. She was damaged goods, she knew. She had known for a long time. And anything that showed that, he sick father, her complicated mother, her failed relationships, it only resulted to the obvious: why bother?

She smirked at the crashing waves through the tears, blinded by the reflection from the fierce sun, beaming down on the water as if hundreds of thousands tiny crystals. They fermented on the surface, sparkling and blazoning, creating a mirror that only showed a dream, a image she only wished she could live in, escape from her escape plan, fall into and never leave. She walked into the water, letting it cover her body as she walked deeper. She could feel her limbs quiver, her flesh goosefleshed from the wetness. But it wasn't the fear of drowning that made her heart race, it was the possibility that something wonderful was just a little further away, she just needed to move closer, and get to that place, the wondrous place where waves looked like diamonds and girls with broken hearts could be mended.

_Hey man, slow down, slow down,  
idiot, slow down, slow down._

* * *

The water hit every part of her body, making her want to laugh through the tears. She felt them cling to her face, staining her freckles and painting them with a coating of sorrow. She didn't want that when she got to where she was going. She wanted to be clean of any disdain, any tattoos of displeasure. She wanted to be free, free from the stress, from the pain that always followed her, through darken streets to bright boardwalks. How could she had expected that it wouldn't find her here, in a place where everyone hides. It was a thought, sure, but not a very good one. She wanted to be strong enough to face things, to be the one to look at the truth and not flinch.

She envied her father's bravery, knowing she inherited her mother's lack thereof. She wanted to know what it was like to see his men die, to know that he could be the next one to leave this earth and still push on. She couldn't face that kind of fearlessness, seemed too fragile to even attempt it. But she feared the most was looking into his eyes and knowing it was gone. It was what kept her up half the night, knowing that her father wasn't ever going to be the same and being too afraid to face that truth. Like everything else in her life. If she could just be braver, if she could just be more honest. If she could just be more.

_Sometimes I get overcharged,  
that's when you see sparks._

* * *

She felt the current pulling her in slightly and her heart raced even harder. It's happening, she thought, it might finally happen. Maybe beyond she could be enough. To keep a man interested. To keep her mother sane. To keep her father from hurting himself. But she couldn't anything. She had fixed her mother once upon a time, sending her to a place she thought would help, but she still couldn't completely trust that it helped. She had fixed Craig once, sending him into the right direction, but all she managed to do was send him further away from her. She wanted to believe she helped others, but how could see wen she couldn't fix herself. It was laughable even to fathom that she should be the one to help anyone.

But that was it, she cared too much. She cared about her mother too much. She cared about Craig too much. She cared about people that would always disappoint her. She wanted to trust people. She trusted Marco, but all he ever did was through it back in her face. She trusted Craig, but all he did was make her believe something that was never truly real. She trusted her father's bravery, but even that seemed to fail her in the end, knowing he couldn't be fixed by her hands. She seemed contaminated, wishing she could cleanse herself of her selfish desires and appreciate what she had. But she couldn't. She wanted more. She walked further, hoping it was closer, her hunger for more pulling her deeper, not looking back.

_They ask me where the hell I'm going?  
At a 1000 feet per second,_

* * *

Just a little further, she thought, just over the reef, she could find salvation, something that would drown her whole to a point where things made sense and everything wasn't pear-shaped. Maybe she could stop caring, stop loving, stop feeling. It had gotten her nowhere by now, the constant wanting, needing for a better place was all that seemed to get her through. She just wanted everything to stop. Was that so much to ask? She could feel the world around, moving onward while she continued on, hoping that it would do just that as she moved further. She didn't want to be missed, remembered. Why would she be? She couldn't accomplish anything because of her fear, the boundaries that paralyzed her to move on, but she fought them as she walked through the cesspool, the current pulling her in. She wanted to float on air, the sensation seemed strangely comforting as the surf grew further away. She wanted this, she thought, needed this kind of thought to keep her steady, the motion of the ocean wrapping her like a cocoon as she got carried out to sea. It was like a game, how much further could she push, how much further could she make herself walk until she had no other chose but to keep going.

She closed her eyes, his image as he smiled at her on the beach. She beckoned him to follow her, to hold her hand, to touch her arm and to wrap himself with the love he had only given to few. She saw her father, his strong arms holding her has she willed herself not to cry, knowing it could be the last time he would. She saw her mother, her gentle face as they held each other in the cold, lonely nights when they couldn't seem to hold themselves together. She saw home, the place where she smiled and cried, laughed and danced, wanted too much and received too little. She wanted to go back than. And maybe, when she had reached the place unknown, she would go back there, if that's where the current led.

_Hey man, slow down, slow down,  
idiot, slow down, slow down._

* * *

It was than that she heard his voice, ignoring it as she made her quest. She needed to get there, to get away from the sounds of the children, the barking dog, the images in her head, away from Craig. "I'm fine!" She raced away from his stretched hand, but her caught her before she slipped under the surface, taking his arm back in response. She felt his strong arms, wrapping her like a gift that she had longer to know, clinging to a false hope that expired once she saw Marco. She pulled away, not wanting to be touched but as they reached the surf again, she collapsed. "I'm fine."

Marco rubbed her back, pulling her closer. "It's okay."

Ellie closed her eyes, willing herself to get back, to feel the water, that sweet freedom that was so close to being in reach. She had finally gotten closer to the reachable, and she was robbed of that. But she felt his head on hers, his sweet smell that reminded her of Sunday afternoons and inhaled deeply. He brushed past her earlobe, whispering. "I'm here."

Despite the shaking, they all gathered each other, Ellie holding onto Craig for all it was worth. She wanted to use him, just this one time, just to know that it was worth it just to be in his arms, feeling safer than she ever had. She felt braver, felt stronger and while they laid there, she feel their love surrounding her, hoping that she could live on it alone.

_Hey man, slow down, slow down,  
idiot, slow down, slow down._

* * *

_I know, pretty short. But I think this is one of the saddest and loveliest songs this band has put together. Please listen to it. And thanks for reading._


	23. Optmistic

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi and Radiohead. That's about it.**_

_A/N: The second part of this little story bonus, since I had already finished this collection over a week ago, just had yet to post them. This is also from the film, and is Craig's perspective. As always, read, review and enjoy. And please check out this song, which was the first song I ever heard from this band. _

* * *

"**Optimistic"; Kid A**

He couldn't stop looking at her, which was extremely frustrating seeing as he still had a girlfriend. He felt guilty, knowing that it wouldn't be much else but to end it. He hated that he had to hurt someone else, break another heart, but the one's that stood in front of him seemed to be the only one that mattered anymore. He had fought so hard for so long, making amends with everyone, but never completely making them with her. He owed the most to her, he knew. She deserved his whole heart, and he was willing to give it without falter, but for the second time, one of them was in need of help they couldn't provide for the other. "How are the eggs?"

Ellie smirked."I'm still breathing, so... good." She chuckled over her plate of food, making the room less gloomy. He could watch her just like that, always, with the morning sun beaming on he red mane, her simple existence allowing him to feel grateful.

"Good." He watched her finish her plate, taking it from her and putting it in the kitchen. He turned around again, looking back at her. He knew she was heading to the airport that afternoon. Marco had dropped off her stuff that morning, making everything that more real. He didn't know when he would get the privilege to hold her glance again. He didn't want her to leave, no yet. "You want anything else?"

_Flies are buzzing round my head  
Vultures circling the dead  
Picking up every last crumb  
The big fish eat the little ones  
The big fish eat the little ones  
Not my problem, give me some_

* * *

Ellie shook her head, walking across the room. "I think I'm just gonna take a shower." She grabbed her toiletry bag, giving him another smile. "See you in a bit." She took his hand briefly as she passed him, letting go before he could pull him toward her.

He listened to her in the other room, imaging how things would be if for once they had it right, if they actually gotten together when they were still untainted by the world at large. But deep down, they were always tattooed by everything, victims of improper home lives, of their own self-destruction. He imagined they could have a million of these mornings, cooking her breakfast, seeing her smile across the table and hundreds of her giggles illuminating his home and his life.

She emerged, smelling of vanilla and jasmine, looking somewhat more composed. "I love your shower. It's a thousand times better than the relic I have at my place." She rubbed her face, shaking her head. "There's actual pressure."

Craig chuckled. "Glad it lived you to your expectations, Nash."

"And how." She seemed to brighten at her nickname, heading for he luggage. "Are you ready to go yet?"

His first instinct was to say no. He wasn't ready for this all to end. It only just began. He was only just beginning to feel close to normal again, forgetting what she could do to him, her simple presence, so reassuring, her ability to make him feel like a better man, a greater man. "Yeah, you've got a plane to catch." There wasn't time to talk of chances that seemed to pass him by, not yet.

_You can try the best you can  
If you try the best you can  
The best you can is good enough  
If you try the best you can  
If you try the best you can  
The best you can is good enough_

* * *

The ride over was a quiet one. They were used to the silence, the unspoken truths, the idle pattern of whispers and secrets and the too-close-to-calls. It was their regimen, the way they operated. It was so simple for them to fall into that line of silence. It was their friend when the world grew too frightening or when they couldn't accept the words that were lurking under the surface. He looked over at her from behind, knowing that he was always a few steps behind her, always seeing her backside. He gripped the steering wheel, trying to gain control over his disconcerted heart. He was frustrated that he couldn't help her. He sighed, figuring saving her from drowning would have to do.

It wasn't until she reached out for his hand. She offered it without words, just a gesture of affection. He saw it, a porcelain limb he knew wouldn't be able to let go of if he held it. But he took it, feeling her grab hold of it tighter. They continued the ride over, holding hands in silence. And for the first time in a long time, he felt happy.

_This one's optimistic  
This one went to market  
This one just came out of the swamp  
This one dropped a payload  
Fodder for the animals  
Living on animal farm_

* * *

She stood there with her ticket in her hand, looking slightly smaller than usual. She looked defeated and he hated it. He wanted to tell her she was stronger than this, that everyone gets sad and wants to hide from the pain, that she wasn't less human, but more. She helped him be more human, bringing from the depths of his sorrow to the light. She smiled despite her somber mood. "You really came through for me." She looked like she wanted to say more, but she held it back, as if her every dream, every wish was just on the tip of her tongue, but she held back, seemingly where that it wasn't the time to dispel everything, not yet.

Her bright green eyes beamed at him again, full of grace and admiration. He knew he should have accepted that as his amends, that he had saved her life and that it it wasn't for him, he wouldn't witness her smile before him. But it wasn't enough. He wanted of her, wanted to take every infliction away. But it wasn't up to him, and that's what hurt the most. Their truths seemed more painful than others, possible because they seemed more effected, more in tune to the emotions, wearing their heart on their sleeves and hoping someone would take them. But he knew his belonged to her, it always had. "We can call it even."

_If you try the best you can  
If you try the best you can  
The best you can is good enough  
If you try the best you can  
If you try the best you can  
The best you can is good enough_

Ellie smiled again, making this part even more painful. They always seemed to end things at airports. He hated them with their inevitable goodbyes, their resolute notion of an ending. It wasn't fair. He wanted this more than anything. Why was it so hard for them? "I guess I better go." She reached over, embracing him briefly. She looked back at him again. Unsure if she wasn't going to say anything, turning around instead. She watched her walk away, with one final look back. And as she walked on, it felt like before. He always seemed to be the one staying behind, hr backside as his only guiding light home. Trying to salvage any composure her had left, he turned to leave.

But unlike before, he looked back. She was staring at him, unwilling to walk any further. The vision of her running toward home would haunt him in his his dream, he was sure. It was than that he last control of his legs, pulling him toward her, toward his center, toward his home. He held her tighter than he ever held anyone, wanting to fuse her into himself, carrying a piece of her with him always. Their lips crashed, kisses of hunger, of unity, of reason tat made everything before it and after worthwhile. She looked up at him again, wondering if all life's answers rested in her eyes. "I guess we'll always have L.A., right?"

_I'd really like to help you, man  
I'd really like to help you, man  
Nervous messed up marionettes  
Floating around on a prison ship_

He kissed her again, holding her and holding himself together in her embrace. "Someday, maybe." He knew it was a long shot, their track record filled with blotches and erase marks, but he knew his salvation laid in her arms. He stood straighter, seeing her pick up her bags as she walked again, not before kissing him one last time, bruising him with her brand on his lips, hoping that it would stay until they reunited.

He waited until he couldn't see her head in the crowd anymore before he was able to move his legs. He couldn't go with her, he knew. She needed help to get better, one he couldn't supply. And one day, they would have their day, with morning sunshine, laughter and badly made eggs. It wasn't their day, not yet. But soon.

_If you try the best you can  
If you try the best you can  
The best you can is good enough  
If you can try the best you can  
If you try the best you can  
Dinosaurs roaming the Earth  
Dinosaurs roaming the Earth  
Dinosaurs roaming the Earth_

* * *

_Okay. Hoped you like, and I believe this is only the beginning of Crellie. The final chapters of this collection will be up soon. Thanks again for reading. _


	24. A Wolf At The Door

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. Neither are that easy to get a hold of. **_

_A/N: I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update this collection. It's been hectic with school, work and just life in general. But I'll try to produce faster. Again, thank you to all my faithful readers and I hope this doesn't disappoint, as the next several chapters will be one story. As always, please check my profile page for new additions to the playlist and enjoy!

* * *

_

"**A Wolf At The Door"; Hail to the Thief**

He could hear his pulse throbbing in his ears, the incessant thumping, the temperature rising as the lights on the stage diminished, leaving the crowd screaming for more as he left them behind. He could feel the walls vibrate behind the curtain, streaming into the backstage where chaos lived and breathed. He used to drain his soul onto this guitar, solidifying the only truth he was able to believe. It was his promise land and his battlefield, both healing and breaking him with one performance. But his constant, his one common link that kept him grounded was always at arm's length, her eyes dancing along with the pulse in one universal beat, carrying him into her embrace. "Good show."

"Thanks." He kissed the top of her head, trying to steady himself until he found a speaker to sit on. "I shouldn't have danced in the last number, I think I threw my back out."

"Oh, getting too old for all that movement, eh?" Ellie snorted as she scooted next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder. "You did great, okay? Don't worry about it. I don't think they noticed, anyhow." She took his hand lazily, so familiar and natural. He held it tighter to remind himself she was real, even if her breath was warm on his arm.

He closed his eyes, a heavy weight crashing over his right frontal lube, slicing his vision. He jerked his hand away from Ellie, standing up suddenly. "Hey, um, I need to take a walk." He moved closer to the back door, ignoring the traffic surrounding it. He felt Ellie pulling his arm, shouting over his shoulder. "I'll be back in a minute. I need to get some air."

_drag him out the window  
dragging out your dead  
singing i miss you  
snakes and ladders  
flip the lid  
out pops the cracker  
smacks you in the head  
knifes you in the neck

* * *

_

Ellie paused, watching him leave, knowing about his chronic migraines, a condition that he developed in the last five years. It reached its peak usually after strenuous exercise, particularly after concerts, so she was used to the behavior, but still felt affected, seeing him in such pain, helpless to stop it. She left the hallway into his private dressing room, fiddling with the costume rack, the assortment of shirts and jeans he had at his disposal, knowing he would always wear the same three pairs of pants in any given tour. She needed to see a pattern, needing that security, bothered by her own behavior of his ailments.

Craig threw the metal door open, the cool, late October breeze greeting him like an old friend, gently tucking through his thin sleeves while he leaned against the brick wall, holding his breath. After a moment, he released himself from it, walking down the darkened alley that led to the busy street, surrounded by tour buses and stragglers from the event, still trying to catch a glimpse of himself. He dodged a few cars as he crossed the street, making his way to the corner store when he saw a band of teenagers hanging outside. He managed to avoid eye contact, hoping they wouldn't recognize him when he entered.

The store was small, only holding about three other patrons when he made his way to the back, finding the only remedy that held back the nausea, Chunky Monkey ice cream. He usually split it with Ellie, but he figured he could do with a pint of his own, the waves crashing harder against his skull, as if cracking under the pressure. He knew it wouldn't result in a hemorrhage, but the bright fluorescent lightening didn't help matters. He passed by two young women, both whispering excitedly, his name mentioned in snippets, only heightening his paranoia. He avoided getting any medication, fearful to set off any side effects that might turn him for the worse. As the women left, the cashier looked him up and down. "They kept looking at you funny. You famous or something?"

Craig dropped a twenty on the counter, scooping up his bag. "Or something." He pulled his collar to his throat, leaving the store as he made his way back to the venue. He noticed the pack of young thugs had left, leaving him more at ease. He could see the alley again, catching sight of the back door at the mouth of the alley when an intense surge of pressure he never experienced before attacked the back of his head. Before he could get a good grasp of what was happening, he was attacked again from the side, the smell of cheap leather intoxicating his nose membranes. He hit the wet pavement with a thud, hearing laughter all around him, no origin and no ending, piercing through the slicing of his brain. He could taste blood on his lips, trying to gain momentum to stand and fight back, but before another reaction, he was kicked in the ribs, taking any air from his lungs.

_kicks you in the teeth  
steel toe caps  
takes all your credit cards  
step up get the gunge  
get the eggs  
get the flan in the face  
the flan in the face  
the flan in the face  
dance you fucker dance you fucker  
don't you dare  
don't you dare _

"Can't handle it, faggot?!" Another kick into his side proceeded, laughter continually spreading like wildfire, contagious among the group. "Come on! Get up!" The leader kicked him in the jaw, lifting Craig head from the ground momentarily before crashing to the sound of a thud on the ground again. "Fucking pussy. Can't even fight. Get the fuck up!" He kicked him again, letting the others get a few swings and kicks in for good fun.

Craig tried to get up at every chance, but the nausea blinded him from conscious, the pressure only being felt. He could taste more blood, but the voices seemed more distant, as if he was being beaten by a twelve foot pole but the audience was in the shadows, mocking and laughing manically. With as much strength as he could muster, he swept the closest leg, knocking one of them to the ground with him, feeling slightly liberated. He heard the leader laugh again, as if amused that their plaything had his own moves to bring forth.

"That was good, cocksucker. You gave Nelson a knot on his head." He kicked him in the chest, his sneaker making a imprint on his collarbone. "Nelson... aren't you gonna--" He was cut off by yelling from a far distance.

Craig tried to open his eyes, but his retinas were covered with blood, nothing but red blotches was his vision, only imagining the figures that surrounded him now. He recognized one of the voices, his head roadie as he hollered for help from inside. He couldn't hear the thugs anymore, unsure of how long they've been gone. He seemed to lose track of time, his sense of direction and the hysteria made him unbalanced, grasping for anything that might be able to help him. He could feel someone's breath near his face, unable to speak, his words dying mid-throat. Snippets of an ambulance being needed was the only thing he could catch, falling deeper into the abyss of his mind, withered with images of nasty teeth, hooded figures and bespectacled doctors. The picture of his father was clearer than the rest, making him quiver with undying fear.

_don't you flan in the face  
take it with the love its given  
take it with a pinch of salt  
take it to the taxman  
let me back let me back  
i promise to be good  
don't look in the mirror  
at the face you don't recognize  
help me call the doctor  
put me inside  
put me inside  
put me inside  
put me inside  
put me inside

* * *

_

Ellie held his hand the entire ride over to the hospital, only an hour ago in the same fashion. She held back the sobs that threatened to come, keeping herself in check until he was safely in surgery. She watched as the EMTs worked on steadying his blood pressure, preventing him to crash, sustaining the bleeding from his cranium when his head hit the pavement. She mentioned about his chronic migraines, not causing much of a difference to the bleeding, not knowing what to do but hold his hand, feeling his pulse underneath her forefinger. "I'm right here."

It wasn't until the waiting room where she sat to do nothing but wait was when she began to get nervous. She hated having to be away from him in his condition, not knowing when she would see him, if she would have to stay overnight, wanting to have his children near him. She called Marco once she got the hospital, telling her to bring the kids. They always had them stay with Marco when they toured through New York, giving them the much needed escape from them getting into trouble or confusion around the equipment and paparazzi. She could see them piling up outside, having already catching the story for the late night news, imagining headlines from every news outlet possible. She had ignored every text message, email and IM she had received in the last three hours, wanting to block them all out and be with her family.

She was tapped on the shoulder, given noticed that Marco and her children had arrived from the other side of the hospital and were being escorted to her wing, feeling more relief than she felt all evening. Seeing their brown crowns making their way down the hall, she smiled as they ran into her arms, asking for Daddy. She looked up at Marco, who shook his head. "I haven't told them anything. I figured it was better coming from you." He reached over, embracing Ellie protectively. "Have you heard anything?"

"Nothing yet. He's still in surgery." She knelt down to Taylor and Zooey, both looking shell-shocked by all the chaos surrounding them, their mother in the obvious shambles. "Come here." She pulled them both in her lap in a chair, stroking their backs. "Your Daddy is..." She looked at Marco, who shrugged. "Your Daddy will be just fine, okay?" She kissed Zooey, whose bottom lip trembled, at seven-years-old, being more aware than her four-year-old brother. "You just have to brave for Daddy, okay? And everything will be fine." She held them tighter, feeling Marco's hand on her back.

"Mrs. Manning?" A young nurse smiled in her direction, holding a clipboard close to her body. She walked over, remaining to have a smile on her face. "Hi, I'm Nurse Murphy. Your husband is in the recovery ward now and is asking for you." She smiled down at the little ones. "I can watch them if you like."

Ellie shook her head, looking toward Marco. Marco understood, taking both of their hands. "I have them, thanks. If you could point me in the direction of the cafeteria though, please?"

_i keep the wolf from the door  
but he calls me up  
calls me on the phone  
tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up  
steal all my children  
if i don't pay the ransom  
but i'll never see him again  
if i squeal to the cops _

Ellie watched them until they disappeared down the hall when she followed the nurse with her long blond ponytail to another part of the hospital, until they turned to his private room, seeing his feet poking slightly from the bottom of the bed sheet. She chuckled despite herself, grabbing one of his big toes to his delight. "Hey you."

"Hey." He reached out his hand, taking hers tightly. "How long was I in surgery?"

"Three hours." She moved closer to the bed, propping on the edge of the bed, facing him. She saw the bandages around his head, almost in a comical fashion, suppressing the laughter. She couldn't understand her reactions, until he nodded silently, as if he could read her mind. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore and tired. Like I got jacked up." He chuckled, pulling her closer. "Are the kids--"

"They're with Marco getting something to eat at the cafeteria."

"Oh, good." For the first time, their was an awkward silence, unsure if they should remain silent and just be happy he survived the surgery or should they be trying to fill a report for the waiting police detail down the hall. Craig opted to kiss her hand, unable to find the right words. "I don't know what happened. I could barely see my hands in front of me, my vision was blurry with the migraine and everything. I would have--"

"Shh, it's okay. You're okay. You'll heal and you'll be fine, okay?" She said it with such confidence, it only made Craig believe her more. She leaned over, kissing him softly on his bruised lips, choking her up unexpectedly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be--"

"It's okay, El." He pulled her into his arms, wincing slightly at the pressure of her body against his. "The assholes broke five ribs." Ellie jerked her head to look at him, shocked. "Yeah, I overheard them saying so when I was waking up from the anesthesia. There's some other stuff but I'm sure the doctor will let us know."

As if on cue, a doctor in a white lab jacket walked inside, grabbing the case file from the end of the bed "Mr. Manning." He looked over at Ellie, nodding. "Mrs. Manning. I'm the Chief of Surgery, Dr. Davenport." He extended his hand to both Ellie and Craig, smiling. "Just want to let you know that the surgery was a success and we were able to sustain the internal bleeding--"

Ellie jerked away from Craig again, causing him to wince more. "Internal bleeding? I thought--"

"Yes, with the five broken ribs, he punctured an organ, causing substantial bleeding near his abdomen, but we were able to stop it from spreading and stitched up the wound." He moved to the other side of the bed, pulling his stethoscope to his ears. "If you can lean forward slightly, Mr. Manning." He checked his breathing, nodding. "Fortunately, he didn't puncture anything too vital, such as his lungs. Are you sore any place in particular?"

Craig motioned around his side. "All over here mostly."

The doctor nodded, feeling around, asking what hurt and what didn't, making notations on his clipboard. "Okay, I'll prescribe some pain medication for the healing and some more bandages for the cut on his skull. Upkeep is simple enough, just keep the area clean and if you still feel pain after the prescription is complete, I want you to come back for another checkup before we give you more. Standard procedure." He made a few more notations before looking back up. "I was told you have chronic migraines, correct?"

"Yeah, for about five years now. Will any of the medication make it worse?"

"Actually, it might lessen their intensity. I can prescribe an antiemetic to help with the nausea. It should work fine with your pain medication." He looked through the file, mumming. "I see you're taking medication for bi-polar."

"Yes." Craig could feel Ellie squeezing his hand, preventing him from reacting to the new line of questioning. "I've been taking it since my youth. Will that effect--"

"No, it can coexist without much side-effects." He made his last few notes when a nurse came in, checking his IV and his vitals before both heading for the door. The doctor turned around again, smiling. "We'll have to keep him overnight, maybe two nights at most before you can take him home. If you'd like, we can arrange a rollaway bed for you to stay with him." He was aware of their situation, nodding to the front of the hospital. "We understand that you would prefer to avoid the cameras and reporters just yet."

Ellie would have agreed, but she didn't feel comfortable leaving her children to stay in a hospital for nearly two days, even when she despised hospitals in general, from the bright linoleum floors to the way the lights hummed when nothing else made a sound. It reminded her of her first internship at the tiny magazine in New Jersey that never got warm in the winter, bringing back images of chapped hands and clicking from above. "Um, I think we'll stay with a family friend." She turned to Craig, who seemed to be aware of her thoughts, squeezing her hand in reassurance. "But thank you."

"Absolutely. Again, if you need anything, just call for a nurse and they'll be able to help you." He smiled one last time before leaving the room the same way he entered.

_walking like a giant crane and  
with my x ray eyes i strip you naked  
in a tight little world and are you on the list?  
stepford wives who are we to complain?  
investments and dealers investments and dealers  
cold wives and mistresses.  
cold wives and sunday papers. _

Ellie stood up than, fluffing the pillows. "You sure it's okay if we crash at Marco's?"

"Of course it is. I don't want the kids staying here as much as you don't. I'll be fine." He smiled so easily, making Ellie forever envious how he could put anyone at ease so naturally. "Just don't forget to come pick me up."

"I'll be here first thing in the morning. I just don't want the kids spending the night."

"I know." He reached out for her hand again, kissing it gently. "I'm sorry about all this. I shouldn't have left the venue. I could have easily opened a window or something."

"It's not your fault, so don't even try to blame this on yourself." She mocked anger, furrowing her brows. "Just promise me you'll be better in the morning?"

"I'll do my best, ma'am." He chuckled when Ellie leaned over, giving him another kiss. "See you in a little while." He watched her leave slowly, until she closed the door, leaving him alone with his thoughts, ones he did his best to keep at bay while she remained in the room. With her gone, they had ample room to roam and haunt him, lurking in the shadows for their next attack. He pulled the sheets over his chest, protecting it from being invaded. As he leaned further back into the pillows, he tried to hold onto her smell, her touch and her soft lips that bruised his own, waiting until he would be reunited with them again. It helped somewhat, but the present notion that they only breathed at arm's length made him uneasy, wishing for the daybreak.

_city boys in 1st class  
don't know we're born  
just know someone else is gonna come and clean it up  
born and raised for the job  
oh I wish you'd get up  
go over get up go over and turn this tape off.

* * *

_

Ellie sat on Marco's couch with a glass of wine, tremors flowing like a shallow stream, unaware of its progression, unknowing to the pattern they were creating, driving its host up the wall. She took a sip, looking over at Marco as he poured into his glass, a solemn grimace on his face. "He's okay. So why am I so worried?"

"Because you know what this can do to him. We both do." They were well acquainted with his past, the beatings, his demons and shadows that followed him where he went as if it were their own. They had been down the rabbit hole, chasing him until he had found his bottom, bringing him back to the surface. "We both know this isn't the end."

"Yeah." She knew it was the beginning of long nights, endless nightmares and a series of whispered conversations in the dark with the blackness and vague, ample space to hide in. "It was nearly twenty years ago last time though. I don't think he can..._I_ can handle it this time around."

"You're gonna have to." He moved beside her on the couch, pulling her into an embrace. "You have to for your kids, El. They need you. They need you both and they can't afford to lose their father if he breaks again. Last time was different. We all saw that happening, we knew he needed help and we couldn't help him. But he got help. Now, it's our time to bring him back. And you know you're the only one who can. If anybody can do it, it's you."

"But how do I know? How will I?"

"You know the signs, Ellie. But don't be too hasty. Just..." He sighed, taking another sip of his wine. "He trusts you. Just don't let him get too distracted. Meaning..."

"We already canceled the remainder of the tour. The concert agents are already sorting out refunds for tickets. I just..."

"Give him time. He has to process it. We both know what can be triggered if he's backed into a corner. Just make sure he takes his medication and stays on the ball to recovery." He stroked her hair, her head propped on his shoulder. "He'll be fine. Just support him and remind him you're there."

Ellie nodded, standing up. She embraced Marco quickly before heading down the hall to the guest room, watching as the kids peacefully slept. She knelt down, looking over as Taylor snored softly. She rubbed down some of his curls, reminding her so much of his father, with his gentle features, making her ache for Craig's touch. She stood up, keeping her emotions in check before stroking Zooey's cheek, kissing them both before leaving the room again. As much as she needed Craig to be okay, she needed to protect them from harm and heartache. She only wished she didn't have to do it alone.

_i keep the wolf from the door  
but he calls me up  
calls me on the phone  
tells me all the ways that hes gonna mess me up  
steal all my children  
if i don't pay the ransom  
but i'll never see him again  
if i squeal to the cops

* * *

_

_Okay, more to come. _


	25. Nice Dream

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi** **or Radiohead. So, not my problem.**_

_A/N: I'm really excited about this story since it seems to fit so well with the music, like everything else in this collection. Again, please visit my profile page for the playlist link to all the music mentioned. As always, read, review and enjoy!

* * *

_

"**(Nice Dream)"; The Bends**

The sun beamed on his back as he rested late into the morning, coating it with the warmth that only went skin deep. He could tell it was nearly noon by its position, tossing back the covers from his legs and walking downstairs to the sounds of his children filtering in and out of the kitchen and their playroom. He searched around for their mother, finding her with her hips swaying to a song on the radio, an old Eric Clapton tune. He slid his arm around her waist, leaning in. "Hey."

"Good, you're up. I made some lunch if you're hungry." She had some flour on her cheek, wiping it off with the back of his hand, regretting it immediately as she looked like a vision of Susie Homemaker, donning an apron. "Sorry, I was trying to make some cookies, but the flour exploded in my face when I opened the bag."

"It's fine. You look cute." He closed his eyes as a tremble went up his spine, knowing it was time to take his medication. Over the past few weeks since the incident, his healing had gone well enough to not wear his head dressing anymore. He still needed the painkillers, but for the most part, the healing was over. He walked into the downstairs bathroom, reaching up for his pills when he looked in the mirror. He glared at the dark and heavy circles around his eyes, mostly due to the frequent night terrors that found him in the dark crevices in their bedroom, waiting to pounce on the daft victim, overcoming the drowsiness the medication promised. He needed to gather his strength to fight them, but he simply bent to their will, allowing them to control his sleeping pattern and induce hours of mind trickery. He splashed some water over his face, hoping to wake himself. He felt like a zombie, a shell of a man he pretended to be. He was a master at charades, creating illusions he trained everyone to become familiar with, but even he was slipping up, losing at his own game. It was only Ellie that really saw his missteps, his clumsy falls and his sloppy mistakes. Hopefully, he could get a grip of them once more, become himself again, if he even knew who that was.

He looked into the mirror again before taking a handful of assorted pills, feeling them making their way down his throat. He could taste its chalky flavor, the bitter bile that often followed. He tried to remember to breath through his nose, the ritual as familiar as his reflection, leaning on his optical twin for support. Glancing one last time, he another face greeted him with such stark imagery, he jumped back into the toilet, the lid slamming down.

"You doing okay in there?" He could hear her concerned voice through the door, knowing she was worried about his medicine dosage. He had been careful not to overdose, taking the right amount. He had beaten off most of the dark figures the last few nights, getting some sleep, but with the missing sleep over the past weeks, he still needed to catch up.

"Yeah, I'll be right out." He stood back up, griping the sink in an involuntary spasm flexed through his arms, before sitting on the rim of the tub, taking another breath. His migraines had all but stopped, with the less exercise and strain, but the anxiety stayed. The guilt he felt with Ellie's worrisome act, she needing to watch him along with their children, but there was only so much he could do. He checked behind him reflexively, seeing nothing but the toilet and small cabinet filled of toiletries. Shotgunning his final three pills, he opened the door swiftly, nearly running from the ghosts of his past, spying his wife across the room, leaning over as Taylor was coloring. Zooey was sitting on the computer, playing a game, giggling at a joke that the computerized cartoon made. He paused, observing the seemingly happy family in front of him, emotion overwhelming him. How could he deny them? The sudden nausea that often found him took a toll as he grabbed his coat, needing to escape the perfection he knew he could never measure up against. "Hey, I'm gonna take a walk."

Ellie shot up, looking concerned. "You okay?"

He knew the last time he said he was going for a walk, he came back looking like the a meat market's chopping block but he nodded, kissing the top of her head. "I'll be right back. Just a walk around the backyard and field. I'll be back in a little bit." He patted Taylor on the head when he slipped out the back sliding doors, his curls reminding him of his own. Zipping up his jacket, he admired the changing leaves around him falling off the trees, making room for the snow that would eventually cover the branches in a few weeks. With the holidays on the horizon, it was only a matter of time that the stresses of the holiday would officially set in. He seemed apprehensive, as if he was waiting for the other shoe to drop while he walked around, unsure if he was being followed by someone or his own shadows, playing tricks on him as always. It was different than before, the flashes of his face catching him suddenly, usually with a smile. As much as he told himself he was over his death, that he could face his father's legacy with his head held high, memories horned from decades of burying. He loved his father, and he had forgiven him, but it was the weakness, the helplessness that found him haunted by his past.

_They love me like I was a brother  
They protect me, listen to me  
They dug me my very own garden  
Gave me sunshine, made me happy _

He craved to be on stage again, the power he possessed, the adrenaline that surged through him as he sang and danced and got lost in his own words and lights. He missed being able to disappear in front of thousands of fans, only his music being his identity. He would strum his guitar for hours a day to try and ignite that spark, but it was never enough. He began to resent the house, a comfortable prison which seemed to suck out his motivation to write, only getting the resemblance of creativity during the few moments of being high under the new medication. He shook the thrill they caused, focusing on the house that stood in the distance. He didn't want to blame it, but with everything that seemed to cling to its walls, the dark figures in the night and the blockage that only made it breathe more, he felt unable to get a release. He seemed trapped, knowing that only within minutes of traveling around, he would be spotted by the paparazzi, only making it more difficult to be somewhat normal.

* * *

Ellie turned over, looking at him still awake, watching the shadow play on the ceiling. "Anything up there I should know about?" She moved closer to him, trying to make out what had caught his attention.

"No. Nothing to worry about." He answered more reserved than usual, more defensive as he continued to look above.

"But I do worry, all the time." She sat up slightly, looking at him more directly. "This isn't normal, Craig. You have to try to get some sleep. You've been sluggish all week, not eating your breakfast. I need you to keep your strength." She cleared her throat, looking shamefaced before turning to him again. "Have you been taking your medication?"

"Of course I have." He couldn't tell her that he was more reliant on them than her these days. He had been so completely devoted to them, he wouldn't do anything, not even play or write before taking them. He had become obsessed with his new pain killers most of all, the numbing effect on the bruised ribs, evolving the constant throbbing into a gentle nudge every once in a while. They didn't always fight off the night terrors, but they kept the triggers away, allowing him to have some semblance of a normal sleeping pattern. He could feel sleep coming, but Ellie distracted him with her concerned stares and troublesome confessions. He knew she meant well, but he needed her to let him figure this one on his own. "Ellie, I'm fine. Just let me get some sleep, please."

Ellie nodded, turning on her side facing away from him. "Good night."

He wanted to pull her into his arms, but the space was needed. He knew she meant well, but he had to figure this out on his own. He struggled to find sleep again, the aches of anxiety showing its ugly face, the smirks of a deceased that long left this world, forming pictures across the ceiling, descending on the shadows of his bed, crawling up his feet and reaching closer, the coolness grabbing him and shaking him from his own delusions into this tortured realm of haunts and ghosts of the past. But it wasn't what made him ache. There were times that his visions brought some form of welcome, as if his father presence resolved a pang he never knew existed. He hated the conundrum, the ravaged loneliness of missing him and fearing him, an internal struggle that he couldn't fight alone. Staggering up from the bed, drunk with the notion of fighting, he rummaged through the medicine cabinet, finding the small white pills and taking a handful. Looking back into the mirror, he could breathe.

_Nice dream, nice dream

* * *

_

Over the past few days, Ellie had been distant on the issue of his medication, knowing that his prescription was almost finished. She doubted that he needed another one, considering that he had been without bandages for over two weeks and that he had been doing better with the nightmares, screaming less when he did fall asleep and even going as far as going to bed early. She wanted to believe he was doing well on his own, but she seldom saw him playing on his guitar in the last week, knowing something was distracting him. She couldn't figure it out, but knew they had to go to the doctor tomorrow to see if he didn't need a refill. She hoped that they could put this whole mess behind them sooner rather than later, looking to find any excuse to start over again, a fresh new beginning.

"Hey." She poked her head into his office, seeing him fiddling with his notebook on the couch, a blank sheet in front of him. "You all packed for tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I actually scheduled a meeting after the doctor's appointment that might be all day so if you want, you can head home after and I can just come up and meet you later."

"Oh, well, I guess that sounds okay." She smirked before sitting next to him, scooting closer. He had been timid recently, affectionate, but easy to recoil. She tentatively rubbed his knee, reciprocating the smile he was giving her. "Are you sure? I can bring the kids with us and we can get a room or something, maybe spend the day in Central Park and visit Marco. He hasn't seen the kids in a while. I'm sure he'd love--" She paused when he stood up, walking over to his desk.

"Yeah, that sounds really nice, but I won't be around the entire time. I'll be at the label all day and most likely through the night. I don't think it's a good idea to go through all that and I won't be around to enjoy any of it." He looked through the blinds, not looking at anything, trying to distract himself from the persistent tremor crawling under his shoulder blade.

Ellie joined him at the window, instinctively rubbing his back. "Yes, I suppose you're right. Sorry I suggested it." Ellie nodded before turning when Craig had caught her hand. He pulled her closer to him, bringing her into his arms.

He held her, feeling sickeningly cruel, lying to her like he was. He hadn't lied to her like this in years, not even through their entire marriage, and yet, here he was, fighting with himself over an old sickness. "I promise, we can have a nice day in New York, once the heat dies down and I'm in better shape."

"Okay." She held him longer, hoping she could feel what he was keeping from her in his arms. She used to be able to see when he was lying, even when she didn't want to believe he was. She wanted to believe everything was the truth. She was always gullible with him, making herself feel foolish whenever she ended up being wrong with him, when she would have easily spotted it within another. It was the effect Craig had on her. He always had that way about him, with everyone, especially her. They both knew why, even though they'd never admit, even marriage couldn't give them the will to admit their weaknesses for each other. "I'll call a car for tomorrow than". She left the room, unsure if she should have or not.

He heard her down the hall before going back to the bottle that rested in his pocket. He looked down at the label, reading it again as if to memorize. He had finished his pain killers four days ago and was going up the walls with withdraws. He had been pining for an excuse to take off and find some drugs, but he needed to get the prescription from the doctor before he did something illegal. Just a few more hours and he would be reunited with his precious pills, one way or another.

_Nice dream

* * *

_

The flight to New York was a quiet one. Taylor had gotten into the habit of sleeping in their bed whenever he got scared in the middle of the night leaving Craig with few choices in falling asleep after the third time he found his son's foot near his mouth, looking to the stars for guidelines. He failed at being the good man he had come to be when he surrounded to his addictive personality, so easily entranced by third-party substitutes to evade him from pains of yesteryear. He thought of Ellie, snoring soundly before he left that morning, another round of guilt penetrating him while he left toward the city they both missed. They had both agreed to return to Toronto when they started a family, knowing the city wasn't a good place to start one and wanting them to be Canadian citizens like them. But they both longed for the lights and hunger that roamed its streets, the uncertainty that each day brought and the reassurance that life could start fresh.

As he waited in the doctor's office, Craig ignored the dryness of his mouth, trying to stay cognizant to his surroundings with the hunger for the pills growing stronger. He had heard the doctor had cleared his schedule on his own accord, not wanting to bring any unnecessary attention to him, but he simply wanted an answer. "How did the x-rays come out?"

"Oh, we'll get the results in a moment from the lab." He wheeled his chair closer to him, looking over his chart. "But there are a few questions I need to ask. It looks like you haven't taken your Demerol in a few days. Was there something wrong?"

"How would you know that?" Craig bit his lip, regretting it as soon as it left his mouth. "I mean, yeah, I haven't taken it in a few days but--"

"The beauty of urine samples. We can tell exactly what you've been doing, eating or drinking. And it should be more of an impression, but it seems to very nearly pass through your system. Now--" He was interrupted by an intern with his results. "Ah, here we are. Let's see how things went." He looked them over toward the fluorescent bulbs, nodding. "Well, it looks like most of your bones are setting properly and very nearly healed. I think we can take you off of the medication now anyway. I can ween you unto a sister drug until you've fully recovered. A simple prescription of Advil should do the trick." He scribbled something on a pad, ripping it off and handing it to him. "If you have any other questions..."

Craig could feel his sweat glands go into overdrive, the worry hitting a zenith as he realized that there would be no refill, having to go through with his "meeting". He pulled at a loose thread on his jeans, unable to make eye contact with the physician without fear of confessing, or have his eyes do it for him. "Uh, no. I think that's it if you think that'll take care of anything."

"Are you sure? You're not having any other concerns? Are you still feeling any pain or any bleeding you wanna tell me about?"

"No. I think that takes care of everything." He knew he couldn't bluff anything else. He would be in the hospital for more tests, more probing and getting closer to his secrets that were left better in the dark. "Yeah, so if I'm finished, I have a meeting I need to get to in about an hour." He checked his watch again, seeing it was nearly three. "Thanks for everything, Doc."

"No problem, Mr. Manning. If you need anything at all, just give me a ring." He smiled again, one of those flawless ones that only dentists and doctors played by overly buff soap opera actors could produce. He had a sneaking suspension that he was mistaken for one several times, even asked to play one, but he let him keep his dignity, nodding as he was escorted back to his security detail in the lobby. Smiling at the pleasant receptionist, he followed his bodyguards to the elevator.

_I call up my friend, the good angel  
But she's out with her answerphone  
She says she would love to come help but  
The sea would electrocute us all

* * *

_

The car pulled over to the curb in front of a building in Chelsea, seeing its mirrored glass reflecting off the rooftops of the grimy streets that New York inhabited. He walked in with his two bodyguards, looking awkward with all the extra baggage. He was never one to have such detail but the label insisted after the incident, not wanting anything to happen to him before he made his comeback that following February. As soon as they sat down at the table, he noticed a tall man come through the door, looking for the restroom. Craig recognized the walk right away, excusing himself from the table. He casually followed the man into the room, clearing his throat. "Hey Jay."

"Shh, I told you not to call me by my real name, man." He checked the stalls, seeing it was clear before turning around, a smug look on his face. "How's it going, man?" He extended his hand, Craig taking it.

"Obviously not that great, since I had to call you." He chuckled, digging his hands in his pockets. "When did you move here anyway?"

"A while back. After all that shit that went down a few years ago, I found the States to be a more... lucrative syndicate, if you know what I mean." He looked Craig up and down again, shaking his head. "I guess old habits are hard to break, eh?"

_Nice dream, nice dream  
Nice dream, nice dream _

"Yeah, I guess." He was getting more anxious, worried that his detail would start getting concerned and start looking for him. "Look, I don't have much time to catch up, so do you have it?"

"Easy, home slice. Is this the way you take care of business? No wonder you got your ass kicked a few weeks ago."

"Look, man. Do you have it or not? I can go anywhere. I was trying to do you a favor since I know you and--"

"Oh, you're doing _me_ a favor? Oh I see, so _I'm_ the one with the itch that needs to get scratched, right? Funny, thought I was the one that had--"

"Oh my God, would you just shut the fuck up and give me it to me!" He wanted to punch him in the face than, not thinking of his raised voice or the people just on the other side of the door. Jay had what he needed, craved for the past four days and he just wanted it. "Look, I'm sorry. It's just been really stressful and--"

"Whatever." He pulled a few small sacks, tossing the across the room, landing near Craig's hands. "That'll be $1500."

"Here." Craig tossed his a wad of cash, not counting it. "Thanks." He stuffed two out of the three bags in his pockets, opening up the other one and taking three pills at once, praying they would take effect soon. "Thanks, man."

_Nice dream, nice dream  
Nice dream _

"No prob, Manning." Jay counted the money, nodding. "I'll get a new shipment in at the end of the month. If you can hold of until than, I can have one of my guys send you some there--"

"Are you kidding? I can't have anybody remotely connected to you around my family. Just... I'll come down here. I come down here all the time since the label is here."

"Right, I forgot. Big family man now. Can't have the little wifie knowing her husband is on the mend again." He smirked to himself. "I always had a little thing for the redhead anyway. How's she doing anyway?"

"Shut up, Jay." He scoffed before leaving the room, seeing one of his bodyguards looking suspicious. "Sorry, got a little car sick. Still nauseous from the flight." He shrugged as he watched Jay leave the restaurant out of the corner of his eye. "But don't let that stop you from getting something to eat." He leaned back, the medication slowly passing through his bloodstream, giving him the high he sorely missed.

_If you think that you're strong enough  
If you think you belong enough  
If you think that you're strong enough  
If you think you belong enough

* * *

_

The flight was delayed, not getting him home until nearly the kids bedtime, seeing Ellie with her messy ponytail, cleaning a spill Zooey most likely made, inheriting her mother's clumsiness. "Hey."

Ellie turned, some miscellaneous food on her neck and shirt, looking more stunning that he could ever imagine. "Hey." She walked over, kissing him on the cheek. "They're a little wound up. Patricia made them cupcakes, so you know..." She rolled her eyes, thinking their nanny wasn't the best they could do. "Anyway, they've been a little hard to put down tonight." She turned to Craig, finding him behind Taylor before he picked him up, scooping up Zooey with his other arm.

"Come on, you two." He screamed over their screaming, playfully walking like a dinosaur, stomping his feet as they went up the stairs.

Ellie watched as they left, doing her best to ignore the nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach, that uncertainty that always worked against her trust, what treaded the waters, never breaking the surface. She followed them after cleaning up the kitchen, discovering Craig tucking in Taylor while Zooey's room was already closed for the evening. Humming softly to his son, he was the vision of the man she had always knew he was capable of being. Waiting by the door, she took his hand as he left, walking to their room. "Thank you."

"Of course." He striped his shirt from his back, sweat coming off. He hoped it was unnoticed, walking into the bathroom before Ellie could. He pulled out the last bag of pills from his pocket, knowing the other two were well hidden in his suitcase. He stuffed it in his sock, putting it in his shoe and walking back out. "Hey."

Ellie laid on her back, clothes still on and drifting in and out of a deep slumber. "Hey." She smiled as he walked toward her, lifting her head up slowly as they met at the knee. "How was your appointment?"

It was unfair that he had her. She was a blessing in every form of the word and he felt more out of place in the room with her glow overcasting the darkness that cloaked his shoulders, draping and dragging him deeper into the past. He wanted to hold her, get lost in her light and disappear in it. If only she knew what a pathetic excuse of a man he was. If only she knew that she loved a false man. If only he had the heart to tell her, too selfish to not have her as his own. Instead, he pulled at her food-stained tee, revealing her porcelain complexion, kissing her collarbone. "Well enough to do this without pain." He undid her button on her jeans, kissing between her breasts, getting lost in the dream of her existence, her heavenly moan as their bodies collide. He opened his eyes, hers meeting his as they both reached their climax together, never shutting him out. She was so open, and still after all these years, he felt himself shutting down, only thinking about what lied in his shoe, footprints of a path he wasn't ready to follow, knowing that he didn't have a choice. Not anymore.

_Nice dream, nice dream  
Nice dream, nice dream

* * *

_

_More to come... MrsBigTuna_


	26. Paranoid Android

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. Nothing new. **_

_A/N: I was hoping I could use this song for something, so I was really happy when I figured out a way to. Again, please read, review, and enjoy and please check on my profile for a link to the playlist of all the songs.

* * *

_

"**Paranoid Android"; OK Computer **

Christmas was in another week and all Craig could think about was trying to fight the traffic toward the city. He had promised Ellie that he'd pick up some last-minute presents while he was down there for two days, thinking it would be just as convenient since he had another meeting. He had already messaged Jay that morning, getting the time and location, different every time. He had just left the airport, riding in the town car with only one bodyguard today since he had asked to get the detail decreased, insisting that he could handle himself. The label reluctantly obeyed, but he was still followed from time to time whenever he was in the city, especially during the holiday rush. He took his last hit the night before and had been itching to get back to the city in more ways than one. He even felt the change as soon as he crossed the border, the air feeling thicker, the mystery that settled over the skyline that brought him closer to where things made sense, where he could pull off the mask and reveal his true scars.

He had distanced himself from Ellie after a week of being on his new "prescription", fearing she could smell the lies off his body. He needed to find excuses to stay away, running out of them quickly but suddenly being in New York nearly every weekend, surrounding himself with the likes of musicians of his youth again, the shady underbelly of a city that shined at every hour, only darkening in the depths of its gutters and decayed under pressure. It was getting harder to stay away, wanting an escape clause, a passageway to her arms again without the guilt, without the grime that the city left on him. He was covered with it, a new layer of skin to hide behind. If only he could erase her face from his mind, maybe the nagging would quiet down. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much and he could do his dirty deed in peace.

_Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying to get some rest  
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head

* * *

_

"Right on time, Manning." Jay crossed his arms by the end of the empty bar, only occupied by a few regulars, not even looking up from the pints to glare at Craig. He walked down, the bartender not leaving his post as he turned his back, if he too was familiar with the business that was about to transpire.

"Shouldn't we--" He paused when he felt Jay slip a hefty weight in his open jacket pocket. "Uh, how are you?" He tried to play coy, looking around to see if anyone saw the smooth exchange. He pulled out his usual amount of cash from his pants pocket, handing it to Jay under the counter.

"Doing fine. Just finished the Christmas shopping, you know? The kids were wanting some new video game or whatever. Wii 7 or something. Who the fuck knows, right?" He finished the last of his drink, patting Craig on the back. "Pleasure as always, but I better be off." He nodded across the bar, "See you, Mack." Without further discussion, he left the bar, leaving Craig with enough supplies to get him through New Years.

He stood up, leaving a twenty on the table before walking out to meet his bodyguard. "Uh, I was gonna walk up to the FAO Schwartz store up here. If you wanna--"

"No, I'm good man. I already got all the presents I needed to get. Can't stand the crowds enough as it is. I'll just stand out here and have a smoke if you don't mind."

"Not at all." Craig waved as he walked further down the street, sliding on some shades before he casually popped a few pills into his mouth, swallowing them dry. He was already feeling their effect when he reached the store's entrance, the sound of children's screaming was more like a dull hum as he let himself get taken by the colors and amusement of the place. The vividness of the colors sailed over his retinas, imprinting distortions, carrying him up and down the aisles. Red balloons were hung on every shelf, painted faces and clowns were in every corner and the circus of his mind and the cavernous hideaway and coves collided. He picked up a few stuffed animals, their faces indifferent and judging as he carried them. He watched the simulated machinery, carrying balls on a assembly line, taking it to far off places. He mused that it would travel to deep, hidden corners of the earth, returning with snow or some sort of exotic precipitation. He strolled further, unaware of the stares and whispers of other patrons, witnessing his casual attitude, disguising himself and following the paper airplanes whizzing through the air. He grew attached to its gems, the magical essence of the place as if time stood still, that imaginations weren't mocked and the purpose of creativity was to share it with the world, the one that only really mattered.

_What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)  
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)_

He took a seat on an enormous stuffed elephant, paired with another, recreating Noah's Arc when he saw a ginger-haired girl running through the adjacent aisle. She looked back and forth, clearly having lost her mother in the crowd. She spotted Craig, running over toward him. "Can you help me find my mommy?"

Craig remained amazed at the similarities she had with Ellie, down to the dimple. She reminded him more of his precious Zooey, miles away, possibly playing with her brother, unknowing of her father's mischief and general disregard to her or anyone else. He felt caught in the naughty act, as if this was a sign from God, playing another one of his classic tricks on him. He could feel the pills burning a hole on his pocket when the little girl tugged at his sleeve. He took her hand, trying to focus. "Come on, sweetheart."

He brought her to the front of the store, losing his sense of direction in the process. He could feel his pupils dilate, the stretching nearly blinding him until he found himself at the large desk, a foreboding director looking down from his chair, seemingly more than intimidating. "How can I help you, sir?"

Craig looked down at th little girl again, if only to confirm he hadn't imagined her, standing there like a cutout of a dream, a memory he didn't know he possessed. "Uh, she's lost. She needs to find her mother."

"Yeah, I can't find my mommy." The girl began to sob, causing other patrons to look at her with confusion. The sound was piercing, slicing the cavity between Craig's state of mind, filling it with a brightness he couldn't repress.

_When I am king, you will be first against the wall  
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all  
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)  
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android) _

He knelt down, trying to calm her when the director asked for her name. Her name was Sofia, hiccuping as the man paged for her mother on the PA system. Sofia moved closer to Craig, clinging to his hand, squeezing in anticipation for her mother. He squeezed back, reminding him of Zooey again. He ached to leave this store with as many toys he could carry, rushing home to her, but he stayed firmly in place, waiting. It wasn't until he saw the woman rushing towards his knees that he made the connection, Sofia being seized by the arms of her mother. "Where did you run of to? You had me worried sick. I thought something terrible happened to you!" She shock the child, as if to prove she was real. "Don't ever do that again!"

Craig turned away, not wanting to see the child get scolded, rather seeing her be nurtured. He tried to leave the scene when the mother grabbed his hand in the same fashion as her offspring. "Thank you so much for bringing her here. God bless you." She looked around, her husband, who looked more severe grabbing Sofia's hand while his wife carried about a half a dozen bags, nearly covering Sofia's face. She was able to manage to look at Craig one last time, desperation to leave again flooding her face as her father yanked her closer to him, a fearful glance thrown at Craig. It was than that the pills couldn't chase away the darkness, the looks of longing for escape hit him right between the eyes. He watched the little girl be taken away, fighting the urge to rescue her, separated by degrees that couldn't be measured.

He suddenly grabbed any toy in arm's reach, bringing them to the cashier. "Ring these up, please." Nervous ticks covered his limbs, dissolving in a pool of his own sweat as they revived upon themselves, creating a vicious cycle until he found himself on the street again, the cold December air clawing at his chest. He rushed to his town car, not making eye contact with his waiting escort, begging him to get him back to Toronto. He buried himself in the purchases, smelling of children's laughter and bubblegum, a poor excuse for his Zooey and Taylor.

_Ambition makes you look pretty ugly  
Kicking and squealing gucci little piggy  
You don't remember  
You don't remember

* * *

_

He held the bags in his hands. The weight of them appeared multiplied as he sat at his desk. He had them hidden in a locked drawer, knowing they would go untouched, but he had to hold them, to feel them there, the evidence of his choices and where they had brought him. He wanted to toss them down the toilet and start fresh, but he was too old to do that, using all of his second chances. Even they didn't help fighting off the dreams, only magnifying them. After his outing days before, he couldn't seem to close his eyes without seeing the fear in that little girl's eyes, his parallel fears of years ago, creeping behind him like an uninvited guest, stowing away until all defenses were down. He opened one bag, taking three pills out and jamming them into his mouth before he could change his mind, swallowing them whole.

It was a poison, the addiction, spread like wildfire as he tried to involve himself with the family, doing his best to enjoy the days festivities. His stepfather and sister were with the kids and Ellie, laughing and singing, but he couldn't lift himself from the hole that he was buried in. He could feel the scratching of the walls, stretching his limbs, seeing just out of the rim, but to no avail, he couldn't manage to get out. He left the room, wanting to make a connection, sitting beside Taylor under the tree, ignoring the pangs of distance that rested on his shoulders. He could feel Ellie's stare, resisting the urge to tell her to stop, exhaling through his nostrils. He looked up at her, their eyes meeting when he mouthed, "I'm okay."

She didn't seem convinced, glancing at the kitchen when she walked over to it. He followed suit, watching as she turned on her heel, arms crossed in the usual fashion. "What is wrong with you today? You've been acting off and distant, did something happen?"

He watched her accusatory stance change to concern so quickly, nearly making him chuckle, repressing it. "I'm sorry."

"You should be." She faced the tree, watching as their children played under it. "They can tell, you know? They feel it, just like me." She turned again, taking his hand. "It's been a rough few months, but I need you to pull it together, just for a few more hours until after they go to sleep." She nudged him in the ribs, not thinking that they were just healed. "For them."

_Why don't you remember my name?  
Off with his head, man  
Off with his head, man  
Why don't you remember my name?  
I guess he does.... _

He wished he could do everything that he wanted to for her, the knowledge that he couldn't making him even less agreeable. "Okay." He stepped closer to her, holding her for a moment before she pulled away.

"We'll talk later, okay?" She kissed his cheek, grabbing a plate of bakery fresh cookies for everyone.

He watched them, oblivious to his demons and secrets, wanting to stop time than. They all looked perfect in the respective positions, as if it were choreographed. He took another breath before joining them again, figuring if this is what it felt to be on the pills, he was too afraid to deal with life without them. Not yet.

* * *

She slid into bed beside him, fluffing her pillow when he stepped out of the bathroom. He joined her, turning the television on, trying to hear the droning voice of the newscaster. She was quiet after Joey and Angie left, tucking in the kids before taking her nightly shower. It wasn't until she snatched the remote that she spoke, putting it on mute. "You acted like an ass tonight. I hope you know that."

"Look, I told you I was sorry--"

"I don't give a shit if you were sorry. Joey flew in from Calgary to be here and Angie from Vancouver to be here tonight and they didn't feel welcome. Hell, _I _didn't feel welcome. You shut yourself in your office, doing God's knows what, making a complete jerk out of me and yourself. It's Christmas, for fuck's sake!"

Craig pinched the bridge to his nose, doing his best to keep his emotions in control. "I told you yesterday that I wasn't feeling well. I was doing my best to keep it together." He took Ellie's chin, facing him. "I'm sorry. I am."

Ellie pulled away, getting out of bed, beginning to pace. After a moment, she paused, looking at Craig, her lips quivering. "Why aren't you telling me what's going on with you? It seems like ever since the incident, we've been out of sync, like you need to keep me away from your thoughts and feelings, like I can't handle them or something." She shook her head when she glanced toward the television. "It's like-- Oh my God!" She quickly found the remote, propping on the bed as she turned up the sound.

Craig looked, seeing a familiar face across the screen. "..._Canadian immigrant, Jason Hogart, alleged member and newest suspect to the aforementioned drug cartel, taking residence in Bronx, NY. He, along with several other suspected accomplices were arrested, waiting for a Monday arraignment in which some insiders are saying that the lack of snow in the area can be found amongst the kilos of cocaine and prescription drugs found at one of several locations. More of this story when we return..._" It took several moments before Craig realized he had been holding his breath. He looked at Ellie, with a mirrored expression of shock.

_Rain down, rain down  
Come on rain down on me  
From a great height  
From a great height... height... _

"My God. Can you believe we knew that guy? I knew he was into some shady dealings, but nothing like this. Did you hear? _Kilos_ of drugs. Jesus." She sat stunned for several moments before drawing closer to Craig, who seemed incognizant to his surroundings.

Jay, a man he had trusted for weeks now, feeding his addiction with such care, providing personal service, was arrested and behind bars. He knew that he was involved in a much larger outfit, but he never concluded he was any large figurehead to the operation. His first instinct was to flush the stash once and for all, ridding any evidence, but he knew they wouldn't keep a record of customers, even he wasn't that careless, but he was also careless enough to get himself caught, and so publicly too. It all seemed surreal, his mugshot viewed by all of Toronto and New York, invading people's homes on the most precious of days. He felt surrounded, as if the world could see his fears, the tattoos on his back, branding him the junkie he really was.

Ellie muted the television again. "I can't believe it. I mean, I can see it happening, but you never think something like that can happen to someone you know, you know?" She continued on that tangent until she realized Craig had been silent. "Craig?"

Craig continued to look at the screen on mute, reading the closed caption. He shook his head, not thinking of what would happen to Jay, but what he feared most, that the supply is now dead and he would have to stick himself out there again, naked without the protection of a familiar face. "Yeah, just... I can't believe it."

"I know." She snuggled closer to him, forgetting about her anger from before, simply enjoying the closeness they shared now, being in his arms. "Do you think we should call his family? See if they're alright?"

Craig shook his head without hesitation. "No, it's best not to get involved."

Ellie nodded. "Yeah, I suppose so." She leaned heavier into his chest closing her eyes. "I love you."

Craig rubbed her hair, smoothing it down as he turned off the light. "I love you too."

* * *

He had four pills. Four. He couldn't risk going a few days without more for fear of signs of withdrawals from Ellie. He had planned a trip to New Jersey the night before, talking to a bookie friend of one of his roadies. They used to talk often back when he still followed the hockey statistics but lost touch once his albums soared up the charts, distancing himself from his humble beginnings. He called him, explaining his situation and was given information on a fellow who lived out by the Jersey Shore. Craig knew he could get away with the rendezvous, going as far as ordering two months worth until he could find a local supplier.

Ellie watched him pack, the familiar unsettling intuition returning. "How long are you going to be gone?"

"Just overnight. I'll be back before lunch." He zipped up his duffel bag, turning on a dime before kissing her forehead. "You know how these label meetings go, but I'll be back early tomorrow morning."

Ellie stopped him before he left the room, looking into his eyes for the first time in what felt like months. There was space between himself and them, as if a mental block covered the light that was always so bright. He seemed blinded by it, and it frightened her. She inhaled quickly before saying, "Craig... is everything alright? You know you can talk to me."

"What are you talking about?" He could feel her trying to break down the boundaries lines he built over time, doing her best to see past it all, but even he wasn't brave enough to see what lied behind. "I'm fine. Now please let me pass before I get stuck in traffic." He pushed his way through, seeing the town car pull into the curved driveway. Just as he approached the door, Ellie stepped in front of it. "Ellie--"

"Look, I know that you've been distant because of what happened and that you haven't been sleeping because of the bad dreams and that you've been taking your medication and how they can effect your mood swings, but..." She took his hand, as if a plea was being made, made for them both. "I need for you to let me in again. I can help you. I'm here to help you." Her voice shook from emotion, holding back the tears. "I know you need me. It's okay to need me. Because I need you. And they need you." She looked past him toward upstairs, where Zooey and Taylor still slept. "Just, don't forget that, please. Whatever you're doing, you can't do this alone. You don't have to do this alone."

He wanted to tell her than about everything, that he needed her more than anything, but this was his problem, something he had to deal with on his own. He couldn't expose her to more disappointment, something she was given too often in her life. He wanted to give her something she could hold unto, even if it was false. He nearly forced her hand out of his, walking past her. "I'll see you tomorrow." As he pulled away, he fought the urge to look back, to his home, standing at five feet and three inches, the only one he could ever truly call his own.

_Rain down, rain down  
Come on rain down on me  
From a great height  
From a great height... height...  
Rain down, rain down  
Come on rain down on me

* * *

_

He had walked down the darkened block of the man's house, a stray cat walking across the street as he approached the address. Knocking on the door, he heard yelling from within until it swung open, a woman with a disheveled appearance stood in the doorframe. "What?"

"Uh, I'm here for DJ. Is he around?" Craig glimpsed inside, seeing a small child on the floor in front of the television, looking just as unkempt as the woman.

She looked over at him for a moment, nodding. "Yeah, come in." She closed her robe, walking deeper into the house, slapping the child on the head. "Get outta here, Travis!" She continued to move deeper down a narrow hallway, screaming. "CHARLIE!"

Craig paused, looking around the rooms and seeing that instead of seeing more of the same, the rooms were furnished with top-of-the-line appliances, a home entertainment center that was much like his own and a dining room set that looked to be made completely out of glass. Garish, but expensive all the same, making him slightly more anxious. It wasn't until he saw the heavyset man come from the back room that his mouth went dry, regardless of his pills. "Hello."

The man scratched his beard, looking him over. "Craig, right?"

"Yeah." He waited until the man took a seat before he spoke again. "Jeff told me about you and--"

"Marty, get the fuck outta here! You see me doing business." He pushed her out of the room, shaking his head. "Stupid bitch." He pulled a cigarette from his shirt pocket, offering one to Craig. "You some rockstar or something, right?"

"I'd rather not talk about that. Could we just make the exchange so I can go?"

Charlie snorted, nodding. "Jeff told me you'd be all hasty and shit. Look, I got what you need, okay." He went digging into a drawer in a nearby desk drawer, tossing him several bags. "You got my money?"

Craig pulled out the cash, not counting it as he looked at the ten bags in front of him, plenty to keep him together for a few weeks. "I better get going."

_That's it, sir  
You're leaving  
The crackle of pigskin _

Charlie stood up, grabbing Craig's arm. "One more thing, kid." He drew one last drag from his stick, tapping the ashes on the table without an ashtray. "You never met me. If you get caught, and you might with all these fucking cops sniffing around here trying to catch any motherfucker with a fucking rock up his ass since the cocksuckers from New York pinched all those assholes in the Bronx last week, you better not run your fucking mouth about me or I swear to God I'll cut your prick off and feed it to my dog." He pointed down to the dog that suddenly made an appearance, looking solemn and hungry. "You got me?"

"Yeah, I got you." He collected his stash, piling it into his pockets before leaving the room. He walked past the little boy, who seemed all too familiar with the scenario. He found the street a surprising relief from before, looking up and down the block before walking to his rental car. He drove with more speed than before, popping a few pills from the closest bag. As he passed through the town, the streetlights swirled around, making lightning bolt designs across the sky, the urge to vomit increasing. He knew he shouldn't operate large machinery, but he couldn't risk being driven out there without rising suspension and he couldn't go without the pills any longer, the withdrawals growing worse with every long stretch between dosages.

He thought he might be good until he saw the cars slow up ahead, traffic forming. He moved slowly forward until he saw the police cars surrounding the bridge, his senses heightening. When his turn came, he had put the final bag under the seat, hiding them all. An officer tapped on his window, smiling. "Evening. There was a armor truck robbery about a half mile from here about an hour ago and we're checking all the cars to see if the perp might try to leave the state." He smiled until he noticed Craig's dilated pupils and shaky hands. "You okay, son?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm fine, officer. Just a little tired. Been driving all day, you know? Trying to get home to my family in the city." He tried to check the tremors, but he had been without for nearly seven hours and even with the drugs in his system, his paleness seemed to be a dead giveaway.

"Can I see your license and registration?" The officer's friendly demeanor quickly dissolved.

Craig nodded. "My license is in my pocket. But this is a rental... I think the papers are in the glove box." He reached into his pocket, handing him his foreign license and rental papers, getting disapproving looks from the officer. "Something, uh, the matter, officer?" He inwardly cursed himself for stammering, knowing it wasn't looking better for him.

"Could I ask you to step out of the vehicle, sir?" He looked more intimidating, signaling for another officer from across the way. "If you can just stand next to me for a moment while I ask you a few questions."

Craig did his best to focus, not to stubble, but the flashing blue and red lights from ahead caused his eyes to crossover, not unnoticed by the police men. "If I can just ask what is the cause for this, I can explain--"

"Open your mouth." He pulled out a breathalyzer from his belt holster, shoving it at Craig's face.

_The dust and the screaming  
The yuppies networking  
The panic, the vomit  
The panic, the vomit _

He did as he was told, certain he wouldn't have any alcohol in his system. When he passed, he seemed more confident, looking even smug to the officer. "Like I said, just tired, been driving all day." He nearly opened the door when the officer looked inside the car, seeing a few stray pills on the seat. He looked back at Craig, his pupils still dilated more than usual.

"I'm afraid I have reasonable cause to check the vehicle for contraband." He went for under the seat, finding the last little biggie Craig had hidden, a smirk on his face. "Look what we've got here."

"You can't look in my car without just cause! This is illegal!" Craig nearly jumped on the cop when the other grabbed his wrists, slapping handcuffs on them. "You can't do this! You need a warrant."

The first officer turned around, holding two of the bags, pulling a pill out of the bag. "Actually, I have reasonable cause as soon as I saw your eyes and those junkie shakes of yours. I could practically see the withdrawals crawling over you, kid." He shook his head. "Guess we're going downtown, boys!" He chuckled, following the second officer to the squad, pushing Craig in the backseat, slamming the door as he rang home again.

_God loves his children, God loves his children, yeah!

* * *

_

He couldn't tell how long he was in the cell, hours, days, it all blended together as the insides of his stomach burned, ticks crawling all over, drowning him in his own insanity. "When the fuck is my lawyer gonna get here!" He screamed to himself, trembling in the cell block alone, after the police finding out who he was, they put him in the private suite, excited about the prosperity that might have followed, a high-profile musician, busted for drug possession. Craig imagined the headlines, how his fans had once cried for his speedy recovery would now turn their backs. He couldn't even fathom the looks he would receive from his friends and family, but most of all, Ellie. He ached for her and wanted to push her as far away as possible, even willing to undergo more pain to prevent her seeing him in this state.

"Hey, princess!" The officer that arrested him stood at the bars, a smugness that couldn't be measured surrounding him. "Looks like you made bail. Your lawyer's here and a few other people to. Nice big welcoming crowd." He unlocked the door, opening it wide as Craig remained. He shook his head. "Fucking junkie."

Craig could hear footsteps coming closer, crouching over toward the floor when he recognized a smell, only belonging to one person. He peeked through his arms, seeing her stand near him, her look unreadable. He couldn't find his voice, seeing Ellie stand so close. He simply sat upright, leaning against the wall without a word.

His lawyer, Frank, came behind her, pulling him on his feet, followed by his manager and agents, grabbing him and pulling him across the floor. He avoided eye contact from everyone as someone wrapped a blanket around him before exiting through the back entrance, missing the band of paparazzi. It wasn't until inside the car, Ellie and Craig nearly alone when she allowed herself to sob. "Oh Craig."

He couldn't comfort her, knowing it would only make things worse. So as they drove, he watched the skyline of the city toward the airport, the freedom and exposure of everything released to the hounds, to the world, to her. It was unstoppable, much like the pangs in his chest. He had single-handedly ruined himself. But like everything else, it was what he did best.

* * *

_More to come. ---MrsBigTuna_


	27. Like Spinning Plates

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Radiohead. Permits are pending.**_

_A/N: This was originally one large chapter, but since the last one was already huge, I figured I could split this one up, and get to use yet another great song from the band's catalog. Also, this little story is slowly becoming more and more like "Walk the Line". Meh. Anyway, as always, please check my profile for new songs and enjoy the reading!_

"**Like Spinning Plates"; Amnesiac**

* * *

She sat in the back, not able to be near him as he stood at the podium, his hands shaking from the withdraws. Her leg flinched back and forth, kicking the back of the bench in front of her, disturbing someone nearby. She ignored the cross expressions from other attendees, focusing on the back of his head, his large curls as he fingered them. The courtroom was smaller than she imagined it would be, only seeing them from a television screen. The air seemed thin, the closeness of other people felt suffocating, as if the walls were caving in. The weeks leading up to this moment went up in smoke, fading as soon as he entered the courtroom. She had been distant for some time, avoiding eye contact, making excuses like him, unwilling to let the pain seep through the curtains she drew up on her heart. It had to be this way, unsure if she could brunt the extremities or weight of the proceedings.

The judge approached behind his bench, looking stern as he looked down at Craig's frail frame, pale and pasty, looking more broken beyond repair. He skimmed his paperwork, nodding to the two counselors and making his ruling with a simple nod. She had envisioned a gabble, a resounding clap to finalize his sentence, but the whole ordeal was anticlimactic. They had made a plea bargain, getting a mandatory rehabilitation stint and a year of counseling. She breathed a sigh of relief, watching as Craig gave thanks to his representation. Once the judge went back to his chambers, he turned to face Ellie, the first time in nearly sixteen days. An almost vacant expression crossed his face, matching the emptiness that rested in her belly. She exhausted her tears, using the supply she was given. She simply stood there, crestfallen on their own presence.

She stood up, matching his eyes and the thought of being away from him for a month didn't terrify her. It was the look in his eyes than when he found her, dressed in a black dress, unarmed and defenseless only made her shake harder, an explosive ready to ignite. She was brought back to their youth, standing at the airport again, the shell of the man he was once before her, touching her cheek. She pulled back slightly, enough to get a rise out of him. "Ellie..."

"I can't." It was a faint plea as she shook her head, tears welling up, flowing freely. "How did we get here?" Her lips trembled, unable to understand their predicament.

"Not in here, please..." He grabbed her hand, but she pulled back, leaving the courtroom. He followed, catching up to her as she sat on a bench near the vast window, facing the Manhattan skyline from across the river. Kneeling before her, he reached out. "Baby..."

She pulled back, digging as much conviction as she could muster. "Fuck off."

He recoiled instantly, not seeing such anger since their youth, when she was far more cynical and jaded, before the power of love had softened her over the years. She looked lost in her adult clothes, as if they were playing make-believe and this was all an elaborate plan. But he watched her shake, unable to comfort her.

Her hands gripped the edge of the seat, turning her knuckles white. "You don't get to feel hurt and wounded now." Bringing her hands to her lap, she looked up at him, her defiant glare piercing through her tear-stained cheeks. "Do me a favor?"

He kept his distance, looking her square in the eyes. "Anything."

She let the moment pass them, the disheartening words on the tip of her tongue, wanting to slap him and dig her nails into his flesh, to show him her pain, to make him see his damage, that she was damaged too. Once it was gone, she breathed deeply, meeting his eyes again. "Get better. Not for me. But for the kids." She looked down at her hands, feeling his eyes pass her, not looking up. "And yourself."

Craig nodded. There was nothing else he could do but be completely in her debt, as if it was any different from before. He always felt that their relationship was him continuously paying her back for every wrong doing he made. Albeit his indentured servitude as her husband or the simple fact that he could never break even, he needed for her to be there to let him try again once he returned. "I love you." He bent down, kissing the same spot before turning to leave to join his attorneys. He paused shortly, looking back at his beloved. He stopped himself from comforting her and continued on, squeezing his pick in his pocket.

She felt as if she aged on the bench, the light stretching across the marble on the floor, flickering and fading and passing her by while she remained. Knowing her security detail was waiting for her downstairs, she slowly stood up, starting on her descend into a long road through hell.

_While you make pretty speeches_

* * *

**THREE WEEKS LATER:**

Craig liked feeling the crunching sounds of snow beneath his feet, like he was crushing something that was weak and unprotected, giving him some power and control, something he lacked here. He was headed back from his Narcotics Anonymous meeting to the cafeteria when he saw one of his counselors walking toward him. "Hello, Craig."

"Dr. Ventura." He stretched out his hand, shaking it. "How can I help you?"

"Well, this is your last week coming up, and I wanted to go over some of the final lectures that you'll be attending before your exit interview and analysis."

"Right. Okay, well I was headed to lunch, but-"

"Oh, of course. I was going to pull you out of the Role Playing session and discuss it with the rest of the board around 1:30?"

"Sounds good. I'll see you than." He offered a forced smile, but the muscles in his jaw seemed tense. "I better be off."

"Indeed. Until than." He tipped his hat, making his way further down the quad. The wind blew fiercer as it turned around the large building up ahead, pulling his coat closer.

He ate his meals alone, distancing himself from the populous. He didn't want to make more friends like him, with their deep-seeded hatred for authority and anything else of the sort, daring to be the outcast that he was always fearful of being in his youth. Back than, he wanted to blend in, to be invisible, fade into the background, but alas, his place in life was firmly in the spotlight, despite his disdain. There were moments when it wasn't so bad, as long as it was in his control, but even than, he needed his guitar for company. It was only until the world began to peel away the facade he had masterly created to block it out had he pushed further away from the chaos.

Going toward the dining area, he saw that the mail had been delivered, venturing to see if he had gotten something. "Anything?"

The young woman smiled bashfully before standing. He got a kick the first few times he would see her looking at him whenever she was on the desk, but he had gotten more annoyed at her lack of professionalism. Getting the few envelopes, she handed them over. "How has your day been going, Mr. Manning?"

He took them, without cranking a smile, doing his best to appear unmoved by her condescending tone. "Okay. Thanks." He walked away, before she could go into another of her rambling sentences, giving him goo-goo eyes as if she had met her favorite celebrity, sadly knowing that he might be.

The other inhabitants were the usual affair, mostly socialites or ne'er-do-wells, trudging through the corridors, aimlessly following the path to get them released back to their agendas and pill boxes. He got the occasional stare, but everyone was either a ghost or chasing one, everything unclear. But there was an overall understanding that this was just a large reception room, and once their name was called, they could finally leave this all behind. It was the ones like himself, doing their second and third stints that made very little eye contact. He walked around in a haze mostly, distracted by the people on the outside and how the world continued to go on without them.

Getting a seat far from the others, he managed to get some northern exposure, with the trees that swayed in its own private symphony, a tranquil scenery to give him the comfort to open his letters. The first few were letters from the label and agents, but one small one stuck out from the pile. Recognizing the handwriting, his stomach dropped to his feet. Tearing it open, he watched the gentle rise and fall of Ashley Kerwin's cursive.

_**Craig - **_

_**She's not doing well. We both know she would be the last to admit this, but she's turned a corner. I don't like going behind her back but I felt you needed to know. She's convinced she has to be the pillar of strength for you, but you have to prove to her she can need you too. I love you both and I only want your happiness, but you've only caused her pain of late. **_

_**I don't want to lecture you, but I can only be here for one of you right now and she needs us both. Do your best in there while I try to kept things together out here. And when you return, I'll still be here. **_

_**Don't fuck this up. **_

_**A.K.**_

He reread the letter before tossing his plate of food away, rushing back to his bedroom and opening one of his many journals, jotting away as inspiration reached him from beyond the brick walls that separated him from his heart and home.

_I'm being cut to shreds._

* * *

She was fascinated how the world around seemed to progress, that even the birds chirping outside of their window was some ramification of the life that was being lived while she stopped, taking in every chance to reflect on the past three weeks. The days apart from him stripped her like pigments of skin, shedding and accumulating until they buried her into a tomb of her own sorrow. The separation anxiety had gotten to her more than she had liked, overcoming every facet of her life, knowing the distance was only the beginning. She had failed. She allowed him to fall into the clenches of addiction, again. He had worked so hard for so long, the years of therapy, the years of dedication and all of it, gone to the wind. She failed him. And as the hours slowly moved closer to their reunion, her only comfort was the children laying asleep down the hall, imagining their thoughts on the matter, fearful to admit she had failed them as well.

She remained in bed, her only company an oversize pillow and the morning sun, beaming its light through her window sheers. It was only seven thirty, not wanting to bother the children until after eight. She enjoyed this time in the day, like God was giving the Earth a second chance, a new beginning and the quietness of the house only made her feel more solitude, as if she was making the journey alone. It made her miss him more, her partner, her companion, but despite her better judgment, he had drifted away.

She had slowly but steadfastly removed routines from her daily life. From the jogging in the early morning to the blank computer screen that remained in its vegetative state since his departure. She hadn't responded to emails in days and even screening her phone calls. Bit by bit, Ellie carved a distinctive path of self-destruction, spiraling slowly down. She lived for her children most days, but more recently, not even their bright faces could shake the depression. She had depended on Craig for so long to feed her need to be empathic, to quench that thirst to help him and support him and once that fact remained to be unseen, she felt herself crumble under the pressure. As much as she seemed to be his crutch, he was hers. Feeling itchy, she forced the quilt off herself, touching the cold bare wood beneath her feet as she made her way through the top floor. A form of phantom limb took over her as she walked the hallways, picking up stray toys and small socks, leading to Taylor's room.

She sat by his bed, watching his subtle but even breathing, the rise and fall of his chest nearing hypnotic. She crossed her arms, doing her best to contain the raw emotion bursting at the seams, begging to escape as he turned on his back, cracking an eyelid to reveal a sapphire iris. "Hi Mommy."

"Hey Tay." She watched as he reached out to her, taking her hand with his surprisingly warm one. "Sleep well?"

He sat up, shaking his head. "I had a nightmare."

Without thinking, she climbed into his bed, pulling him into her arms. "Oh, sweetheart. Why didn't you come to me?"

"Because Daddy's not there. Daddy wasn't in my dream either." He snuggled closer to her chest, hot tears staining her thin shirt. "I couldn't find him."

Her own fear got the better of her as she scooped him closer into her arms, wrapping him completely in her bathrobe. She had feared a similar fate for his father, a man lost in his own thoughts, petrified by a ghost of his past and consume by a substance that only made things worse. She was afraid she couldn't find the man she had once married either. "I'm here, baby. Okay? You can always come to me, okay?"

Taylor simply nodded, sniffling his nose. "Okay." His breathing slowed eventually until a soft lull, drifting into sleep.

Ellie watched him there, the simple sensation of another heartbeat close to her own brought a deeper sorrow that she had first conceived, causing her to take him in her arms, bringing him into her room. As she laid him back down, he grabbed onto his father's pillow, his scent still lingering as a sweet smile graced his face. It was enough to make Ellie leave the room for a moment to have a private sob.

Despite her zombie-like mannerisms at home, she had put on a stone-face outside of her four walls, desperate to maintain some consistency for the public. She hated that everything was being played out in front of the cameras, a dozen cameramen at the gates of their compound at any given hour, snapping pictures from afar at any movement between the trees, forcing Ellie to pull Zooey out of school for the duration of her father's stint. She had tried to keep the ordeal from their lives, protect them from the bright lights as much as possible, but everyone was watching her, as if she was channeling her other half from the inside. She would get the weekly check-in from friends, but even they seemed repelled to a degree by the circus that existed outside of the tranquil surroundings of their home.

She resented Craig than, when she felt her security and privacy being pulled away. She had remained elusive for years until he had gotten his first double-platinum album seven years before, skyrocketing him into the public eye and becoming one of rock's most innovative artists with his constant evolving recordings. Before she could register themselves as "celebrities", every publication had wanted her as their editor, making outrageous claims and pleas for her to write for them. Initially, she was standoffish and offended by the attention, solely because of her husband's success, but she eventually learned to take it in stride, gradually creating a freelance routine, one that allowed her to write for some of the most respected publications in the business, earning her own creditability. But it wasn't until these recent events, her life being pulled into seventy different directions had she lost grip of her work and let it slip. She hadn't written anything in weeks, with deadlines rapidly approaching. It was the least of her worries, knowing the she could get extensions on them all, but refusing to let the stress show. It wasn't until she attempted to write however when the realization occurred. She couldn't, and that terrified her.

_You feed me to the lions_

* * *

**ONE WEEK LATER:**

The phone rang across the room, pulling herself away from her room to answer. "Hello?"

"Hey."

"Hi..." Her throat clenched, hearing his voice on the other end. "How are you?"

"Okay." They were never much for words, at least to each other. Another beat passed before he spoke again. "They're releasing me next Wednesday."

"I know." She had been counting the days, but she cleared her throat all the same. "How's counseling going? Dr. Ventura had sent some literature for me last week about some of the stuff you're doing and your progress." She stammered a little, rolling her eyes. "Have you've been watching TV?"

"Not much. I try to avoid it if I can."

"I wish I could." She hadn't meant to get irritated so quickly, hastily adding, "It's just... it's been really hard."

Craig sighed, unable to come up with nothing more than another apology. "It'll be over soon."

"No it won't." Ellie wasn't strong enough to handle this conversation. "Look, I have to get the kids ready. We're going to Marco's for the weekend."

"Oh? Good. It'll be good for you all to get out of the house and be around other people."

"I'm aware." She was getting more annoyed by the second, wanting to hang up. "I have to go, Craig. But..." She sighed before talking softer into the phone. "Just get better, okay?" She nearly hung up the phone when Taylor's head poked out of her room. "Hey, wait." She walked closer to her son, pulling him to her hip. "Someone wants to talk to you." She brought the phone to Taylor's ear. "It's your father, honey."

"Hi Daddy!" Taylor's voice resounded through the whole floor, stirring his sister in the other room, who eventually went pounding down the hall to join her brother, both fighting for their father's voice.

Ellie watched the pair, giggling and jumping as their father spoke from miles away, tears welling in her eyes. She took a seat inside her room, taking a breath when Zooey passed the phone to her. "Daddy wants to talk to you again." She hugged her mother as a thank you before joining her brother, making their way toward the kitchen downstairs.

Ellie breathed before answering. "Hey."

"Thank you."

"Of course. They miss you too." She wanted to get off the phone before her voice betrayed her again, cracking as emotion ran raw up her throat. "We all miss you."

"Oh Ellie, I-"

"I have to go. I'll talk to you later." She hung up before she could muster anything more, sliding down to the floor and bringing her knees to her chest, quietly sobbing into the stillness of the morning.

_A delicate balance_

* * *

He stood in his room, facing the window as he watched several vans pull up yards from the entrance gates, various camera equipment being assembled as piles of reporters rushed closer, aiming to be the first to get the scoop. Craig knew what was coming next and feared to leave the safety the center had supplied him the past month. He was free of the hypocrisy of the tabloids, the redundancy of newspapers, the thousands of fans he let down, but the only pain that could breakthrough the barriers, moving mountains in the process was her. He hadn't slept the night before, the anxious cluster of butterflies, the excitement and dread of having to face her again. He had lost something, he wasn't sure if it was after he took his first illegal drug or after he lied about it, but something shifted than, and he knew it wasn't going to ever truly be the same.

A knock at the door signaled they were ready for him, feeling as if he was about to perform in front of thousands on stage again, only now it was a different production with another cast of players. A quick intake of breath and he opened it, faced with his longtime manager and friend, Marc. "Hiya, kid."

"Hey, man." They shared a quick embrace as they walked down the hall, meeting Dr. Ventura and the Director, Dr. Beaumont. "Hi."

Dr. Beaumont patted Craig on the shoulder. "Good to see you, Craig." He smiled at Marc before turning back to Craig. "If I can have a private word?" He nodded, directing Dr. Ventura to take Marc to the lobby. After they were alone, Dr. Beaumont walked further down the hall to his office, inviting Craig inside. "Craig, do you know why I brought you in here?"

Craig shook his head, unsure where the conversation was leading. "Can't say that I do."

He turned from the window, his cold blue eyes reminded him of another doctor from yesteryear. "I've known you in some ways for nearly seven years. We've been through a lot together, and I want you to know, I don't want you to abuse what you have at home."

"What are you talking about?"

"Ellie, Craig. She's a good woman, damn good woman. Anyone would be a lucky man to have her as their own. But in order to truly get over addiction, you have to eliminate the innate nature within you to have that need. Don't make her your drug."

Craig rolled his eyes. "I won't. She's my wife."

"Yes she is! She's your wife. Treat her as such. Love her. Protect her. Be her husband. Don't use her as your crutch any longer. Learn to stand on your own, so she can stand by you."

Craig turned away, speaking more to himself than the doctor. "I don't want to use Ellie. I just... I don't want to do it alone."

"You don't have to. You need each other." He pulled something from his desk drawer, passing it to Craig. "This is my direct number. Once you get settled, I want you to call me and I can set you up with an appointment with a colleague of mine who resides in Toronto. I want you both to go to counseling."

Craig had expected this suggested at some point, nodding. "Sure."

Dr. Beaumont looked Craig over one last time before offering his hand, "Good luck to you."

Craig shook it. "Thank you. And to you." He attempted a smile, but failed, shaking his head as they both walked toward the door.

Craig saw Marc at the end of the hall, waving as he met him toward the middle. "You ready to go back home?"

Craig turned back to Dr. Beaumont, who nodded knowingly before facing Marc again. "As ready as I'll ever be." He looked straight ahead as the pair strode toward the front entrance, a car meeting them only steps away. Rushing inside the black town car before photographers afar could snap a decent shot, they pulled away, not looking back as the car made its way down the long path toward the iron gates. Craig watched on as the flashing lights passed by the tinted windows, unable to look inside the car, only seeing a reflection, an utter blackness, a void.

_When this just feels like spinning plates._

* * *

"Thanks for the call, Marc." She nodded, looking over the table at Zooey and Taylor, coloring paper. "Uh huh. Okay, see you soon." She hung up, walking toward them. "You two almost finished?"

"Taylor keeps on coloring outside the line!" Zooey nudged her brother, showing off her work. "See? You're supposed to color like this." She proceeded to stick her tongue out.

Ellie chuckled, not noticing the gesture. "It's okay if Taylor goes outside the lines, as long as it's colorful, right?" She patted his head, who turned to Zooey, sticking his tongue out. Hearing them bicker, she leaned over, checking on the banner. "Everything looks really good. Oh, Zooey! Those colors look lovely together."

"Thank you, Mommy!" She looked smug at her brother when Ellie patted his shoulder.

"And look, your 'W' and 'L' look really good. You almost stayed in the lines the whole time. Good job, sweetie." She went into the kitchen, pulling out a tray of cookies, feeling more domestic than she had in months. She baked on the rarest of occasions, usually when she was stressed and found it better than other practices of her youth. "I just got off the phone with Uncle Marc. He said Daddy will be here in an hour."

"An hour!" Zooey and Taylor looked up in glee. "YAY!" They both ran into the kitchen, attacking Ellie's legs as she stood close to the stove. "Daddy's coming! Daddy's coming! Daddy's coming!"

"Okay, okay. So hurry up with the banner so we can hang it before he gets here." She smiled as she watched them hustle back to the table. "And I might let you get a cookie if you can finish in the next ten minutes." She laughed out loud as they rapidly colored, both Zooey and Taylor coloring outside the lines.

_I'm living in cloud cuckoo land._

* * *

The car pulled up to the back gate, the paparazzi still holding a nightly vigil in the main entrance, keeping Craig in the shadows. The quiet grounds seemed plucked from a distant land, the lush tapestry of frozen foliage cascading down the lane. His heart ached tenfold for his family, their warmth pulling him through the maze of trees. It was when he saw the golden reams of light touching the white snow, melting him to his knees. He walked a little further when he heard Taylor's small voice in the distance, laughing. He stopped in his tracks, wanting to enjoy it in solitude, the pleasure of hearing his happiness was enough to put him in the grave. But he continued onward until he finally reached the sliding glass doors. Knocking softly, Zooey's head turned in alarm, washing away instantly when she recognized him. "Daddy!"

Taylor and Zooey lunged to the door, pulling it open and attacking his legs like dead weights, clinging to him. "Daddy!"

Ellie stayed in the kitchen, removing the pot roast from the oven, making sure everything was ready to eat. She stirred the gravy more, checking on the mashed potatoes, and lowering the flame on the string beans. She couldn't look at Craig, knowing she wouldn't be able to control herself. She maintained her strong defense, her emotions locked down, and continued to keep her hands from shaking. She wiped her nose, the simple scent of him reaching across the room. She turned away, taking a few more breaths when she felt him standing behind, reaching for her. "Ellie."

She turned, noticing the children had disappeared into the den. "Hi." She bent her head down, not able to look at him.

Craig pulled her closer, letting her wrap herself around him, hearing her ragged sobs vibrate against his chest. Her cries were hollow, almost void of emotion, as if she had cried for centuries, tortured by the distance and desperately trying to grasp hold of them again. He held her tighter, letting the tears fall down his face. He looked around the kitchen, his favorite meal nestled on the counter, and kissed her temple. "Is this all for me?"

"No. It's for all of us." She looked at him than, allowing herself to smile for the first time in weeks. "We're all home."

* * *

_And this just feels like spinning plates _

Long after the children had went to bed, Craig remained downstairs, looking into the flames. He felt Ellie join him on the couch, but remaining on the opposite end. "Why are you over there?"

"I don't know." She stayed there, crossing her arms as she faced him. "I don't know."

"Ellie."

"You lied."

"I know."

"It's more than that, though. You lied to us, over and over again. But what's worse..." She pulled her knees to her chest, resembling a version of herself from a past life, an Ellie he hadn't seen in years. "You didn't trust me enough to tell me you had a problem. As if nothing I've done mattered."

"It wasn't like that."

"Than what was it like?"

"It was me failing you again." He stood up and leaned on the mantel. "I couldn't even look at you. I only saw what I was doing. I couldn't be around you. Or the kids. I just, I wanted to be rid of all feeling, you know? I didn't want to have to be... me."

"Fuck you, Craig." Ellie began to walk upstairs when Craig grabbed her arm. "Let go of me."

"I'm sorry."

"That's not good enough."

"I know."

"You can't assume that everything is going to be okay. You fucked this up."

"I know."

"You should have told me."

"I know."

She began to walk closer to him. "We're supposed to be in this together."

"I know." He took her hand. "And you have to let me make it okay."

"Why?"

"Because deep down, you want them to be okay too. And you know I won't stop until you can trust me again."

"What if I can't?"

He lightly kissed her hand, pulling her back to the living room. "I'm willing to wait it out."

They both sat on the couch again, with Ellie leaning into his chest. "You're gonna have to wait a long time."

Craig kissed her temple, pulling her close. "It'll be worth it."

_Our bodies floating down the muddy river. _

_More to come..._


End file.
